All of me (18 page)

‘Absolutely!’ I whisper, unbelievably
happy.

By nine o clock, I am shattered and feeling
ill, ‘is it ok if I crash here guys, I am whacked.’

‘Sure,’ Lucy soothes, ‘are you ok though
you look pale?’

‘Yeah, just cannot be bothered to drive
home.’ I yawn.

‘You are always welcome, Emily,’ Tom stands,
‘there is always a bed for you here.’

Lucy finds me some nightwear and I climb
into bed, my head full of happiness for Lucy and Tom, sadness for my
incapability in making Matt happy.  I glance at my mobile phone and notice no
calls from Matt, my heart sinks there has not been one day, since Matt found
out about the baby, that he hasn’t checked in on me before I go to bed. I turn
over, sleep refusing to claim me, despite my tiredness.

I wake regularly during the night to pee my
mind going over and over Matt’s last conversation,
if you don’t want me I
will just be a father to George
.  Is that what I really want? Immediately
my insides somersault and I know that no, absolutely not! I want Matt, he
understands me, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings and needs too.
Right from the beginning he informed me that I bring out an insecurity in him. 

Doesn’t he deserve someone who is capable
of loving him whole heartedly, could I ever give all of me to him?  I do love
him, I know this but can I love him enough?

The next morning, I drive home and tidy the
flat. It is Saturday and I have a ton of laundry from the week.  I am normally
over Matt’s the weekend and miss him dreadfully.  I don’t know how to reach out
to him, I am terrified of rejection.  We intended to go baby shopping this
weekend as I haven’t bought a thing, preferring to wait until nearer the time. 
I sit and sip a peppermint tea, I feel nauseas. I enter the bedroom and lay on
the bed falling immediately into a deep sleep. 

I wake and dash to the bathroom throwing
up, all I have eaten is a piece of toast at Lucy’s, I have sweat forming on my
forehead.  Maybe I am coming down with something, I strip down and dress in my
short pajamas laying back exhaustedly on top of the bed. 

I remain in bed throughout the day, arising
only to pee.  I have a dull pain in my head and back. I attempt to stand and
move around thinking it is probably because I over did the cleaning this
morning but the ache refuses to diminish.

By eight o clock I feel dreadful, I reach
for my phone intending to call Lucy but find myself talking to Matt.

‘Hi,’ he murmurs quietly.

‘Matt’ I cry when I hear his voice, ‘I feel
so ill.’

‘Where are you!’ he demands anxiously.

‘At my flat, I keep throwing up can you
come?’ I sob.

‘On my way,’ he whispers, ending the call.

A buzzing awakes me and I move to the door
buzzing Matt in, he rushes up the stairs and takes one look at me.

‘What happened?’ he holds me, ‘you are
burning up.’

I rush to the bathroom and vomit up bile.

‘How long have you felt like this,’ he
growls.

‘Please don’t be mad at me, you are
supposed to love me,’ I cry, ‘something is wrong Matt, our baby.’ I sob. He
moves me to the bedroom laying me down and dials an ambulance.

I am hooked to an intravenous drip
containing antibiotics and glucose, I am dehydrated and have a kidney infection
due to an untreated water infection.  I have been prodded and pulled about for
most of the night and am now settled.  Matt is beside me his hand in mine, his
face pale.

‘Go home and get some rest,’ I advise him,
stroking his hand.

‘No, I prefer to stay. I won’t settle at
home.’ he looks stern.

‘The baby is fine,’ I assure him.

His eyes flash, ‘yes, but you aren’t Emily,
it isn’t all about the baby. I keep on telling you,’ he reminds me and I nod,
determined not to piss him off right now.

The doctor arrives and informs me that I
will be remaining in hospital for a few days, ‘we need to keep you here to
monitor you and encourage those antibiotics to work before we let you home. 
Your blood pressure is slightly raised, so a rest won’t do you any harm.  I
suggest you go on maternity leave now, Miss Taylor.’ He cocks his head towards
me.

‘Thank you doctor, she will.’ Matt shakes
his hand, I swallow back my usual argument that I make my own decisions, I feel
too sick. My eyes move over him taking in every detail he is so handsome, yet
so stubborn.

I awake a couple of hours later and he
remains at my side, ‘you cannot stay here for the duration Matt, I need you to
be strong to help me when I come home.’

He glances up to me a question in his fatigued
eyes, ‘to the house?’ he looks cautiously.

‘Yes, to the house,’ I confirm.

He nods, ‘for good?’

‘If you will have me?’ I whisper and he
bends and kisses me gently, ‘always.’

It is mid-morning and I have demanded that
Matt go home to shower and rest. 

‘Anything else?’ Matt enquires taking my
keys.

‘No, just some night things and toiletries,
they won’t let me get up anyway.’ I complain.

‘Should I call Lucy? She will want to know,’
he tests.

‘I guess, but don’t go worrying her, she is
pregnant.’ I smile at him.

‘Really? What great news!’ he shakes his
head, ‘life is full of surprises,’ he grins.

Matt calls Tom in the end and gives him the
job of informing Lucy assuring him that I am fine and not to rush up to the
hospital, but they are welcome to visit that evening when I have had some rest.

I sleep on and off most of the day, the
infection probably being the reason that I have been feeling so lethargic over
the past week or so.  When Matt returns I shower and change into the fresh
nightwear that he has brought.

‘That feels better, thank you,’ I sit on
the bed plaiting my hair.

‘I didn’t bring the raunchy kind,’ he winks,
smiling suggestively towards me.

‘Ha! Pervert,’ I tease, ‘you been hunting through
my underwear drawer?’

He wiggles his eyebrows at me and I giggle
gently.

‘You look more rested,’ he regards me
gently, ‘I was so frightened,’ he admits quietly.

‘Me too,’ I whisper my eyes holding his, my
gaze displaying the depth of my feelings.

When Lucy and Tom arrive for visiting later
that evening Lucy is mad at me, ‘why on earth didn’t you call us if you were
feeling bad? She stayed with us Saturday night, she didn’t say a word!’ she
informs Matt who is well and truly staying out of the sister’s thing. ‘I knew
something was wrong, but I thought it was because you were mad at her,’ her regard
directs at Matt who isn’t fazed by Lucy’s temper either.

‘She didn’t call us, because she has Matt
now,’ Tom scolds her, ‘remember!’ he sends her a message through a stern look
and I suddenly comprehend how frustrating Lucy and I were to Tom in the
beginning.  Matt smiles over to me from the window observing our interaction.

‘I know Tom, but she is my sister,’ Lucy
frowns at him.

‘But Matt is her boyfriend, Lucy. She
relies on him now, we have to step back,’ he instructs.

Lucy doesn’t look happy about the situation,
but I realize that I did rely on Matt, the first person I wanted to call was
Matt not Lucy.  I gesture for Matt to come over to the bed and pull him down to
me, ‘I love you’ I whisper into his mouth and I feel his grin as his lips move
over mine gently.

They discharge me from hospital the next
day, I remain on antibiotics in tablet form with strict instructions to rest
and drink plenty of fluids.

Matt has become my rock, he has been there
constantly, yet quietly in the background.  He has a presence about him that has
no need to shout and demand, he asks and he receives.  I arrive back at the
house and he has had all my belongings packed and brought over to his home, a
part of me is furious and I notice his stubborn glare recognize this fact, but
he chooses to disregard this information as unimportant.  I comprehend his
motive for the action is to prevent me altering my decision even though I have
no intention of doing so, he is withdrawing my options.

‘It would have been more respectful to let
me to pack my own belongings Matt, stop bulldozing me. I mumble unhappily.

‘I packed your personal belongings myself,’
he assures me, ‘the furniture I have had redelivered to Tom and Lucy’s above
the garage for when they have visitors and I paid the lease off on your flat, I
hope that was ok?’

‘Now you are asking?’ I murmur, but where I
would have previously taken it to the next level and battled with Matt, I
silently fume.

He flickers an anxious glance towards me
and I exhale a breath moving over to switch the kettle on.  I feel him behind
me before he wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck.

‘Don’t be mad at me,’ he whispers into my
ear, ‘I just want to take all the stress away.’ 

Despite my delicate condition, I feel my
insides warm at the contact I lean my head to the side to allow him better
access.  He chuckles, ‘no you are on a ban Miss Taylor.’

I sigh irritated once again, he turns me to
face him and pulls me into his embrace ‘you are very cranky, go sit and I will
set a fire,’ he instructs pushing me gently in the direction of the living room.

********

I spend the next few days mainly on the
sofa in front of the crackling fire, whilst Matt attempts to work in the
office. 

He has a meeting regarding the new gym and
calls Lucy over to sit with me.

‘I don’t need a babysitter, Matt.’ I
complain.

‘No, but I will be reassured if someone is
here, it is for my benefit not yours.  I need to check in on my mum too.’

‘Of course, send her my best,’ I forgot
about his mum, ‘how is she doing?’

‘Good,’ he nods, ‘she has more scans next
week.’

‘Well, I can always take her if you are
busy, I am not intending to stay on this sofa much longer.’ I inform him
stubbornly, ‘just so you know!’

‘No, and you aren’t going back to work
either, just so you know!’

I sigh, I was supposed to train up a
replacement before my departure and feel awful, ‘I may go back to train the
temp.’

‘No Emily, you are not going back period! 
You are going to be a mum to George and enjoy every minute,’ he growls, ‘I am
not doing this again with you.’

‘Ok relax,’ I snap, Matt had called my work,
whilst I was in hospital to inform them of my absence, ‘what did you inform
them anyway?’

‘That you are taking maternity leave from
here onwards and will not be returning, you don’t need to work,’ he states.

The buzzer at the gate rings and Matt moves
to let Lucy in, ‘that isn’t your decision Matt,’ I shout out.

‘Yes it is,’ he growls before leaving.

‘Hey,’ Lucy calls as she enters sometime
later, ‘wow, this is something else,’ her eyes are rolling around the room
taking it all in, ‘why the hell would you argue about being here?’ she murmurs,
‘come on show me around,’ she demands helping me up.  ‘Are you two quarreling
again?’

‘Yes,’ I grumble.

‘Let it go Emily, seriously,’ she scolds.

We are sitting in the conservatory when
Matt reappears a couple of hours later, we are drinking tea and discussing
pregnancy.

‘Hi,’ Matt calls his eyes finding mine,
immediately assessing my mood.

‘Hi,’ Lucy returns.

‘Hey!’ I smile slightly as he moves over to
me.

‘How are you feeling?’ he stands me up and
wraps his arms around me bending to kiss me tenderly, I feel an apology in his
kiss, which leaves me flushed.

‘Fine,’ I murmur as his eyes penetrate mine,
‘sorry Lucy,’ he drops another kiss on to my lips, ‘how are you feeling, are
you as sick as Emily?’ he turns to my sister.

‘No, a bit nauseas at first, but not to the
extremes as the drama queen?’ she nods towards me.

‘Good news,’ he nods, his lips twitching
slightly, ‘do you want to join us for dinner?’

‘No, I am going to get home to my husband,
he loves half term when I am at home, he actually receives a proper meal,’ she
smiles.

‘Are you returning to work after the baby
is born?’  Matt presses innocently.

‘No, I am going to enjoy every moment this
could be my only chance,’ she smiles, rubbing her next to nothing bump.

‘Good for you,’ Matt smiles, ‘if you can
afford it, why not eh?’

‘Exactly,’ Lucy calls unaware of the
undercurrent in Matt’s words, whilst I glare at Matt whose stubborn eyes find
mine refusing to avert.

‘I will leave work as soon as things get
too much for me with the pregnancy, I am taking no chances,’ she stands to
collect her belongings.

We are enjoying dinner in the conservatory
and Matt has been pensive, ‘I have been thinking,’ his eyes find mine, ‘that
once you have had the baby and recovered, if you really want to work, which I
don’t agree with by the way, I will give you one of my gyms to get involved in,
you can take the baby with you.’