All We Know Is Falling: Fall With Me: Volume One (29 page)

The idea of that caused me to make a weak, broken sound. “I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay with me.” I want more than I deserve to ask for. “Don’t try leaving again.”

“I should. I really should just pack my bags and go far from here. Leave you in peace.”

“I don’t want that.”

“You will. When you finally start seeing what I am, you’ll want me gone.”

I shook my head and wiped away more tears. “No. I know exactly what you are and I want you.”

I think he was choosing not to hear me, because he said, “I still have those moments. The ones where I wake up in the early hours of the morning. Before the sun comes up. Do you ever feel that? Like you’re alone and broken and nothing will ever feel right again? It’s such a lonely feeling. I don’t do well when I’m alone.”

I wish I knew what he felt like. But I didn’t. This kind of pain was new for me. When I was in a dark place I knew how to pull myself out. I’d find someone I loved and I’d let them do it.

“I’m here now. You don’t have to be alone. I can stay with you your whole life. You don’t have to wake up alone anymore.”

“I do. Because I’m afraid that I’ll drag you down to where I am. And at least one of us needs to get out of this alive.”

“Please,” I held his face in my hands. “I’m not afraid of the dark. It’s too late to undo this. Please hear me.”

I could see that my words did nothing for him. So I tried something else. I pulled him to me and kissed him. I tried saying everything that I didn’t have words for. I needed to show him that nothing changed between us.

I laid back and he moved with me. We were in the same position as we were before, only this time he wasn’t running. My hands went to his back and I pulled him down so I could feel his weight on me. The pressure was comfortable and I loved feeling like I was surrounded by him.

He pulled my dress strap back and kissed me from my neck to my shoulder and back again. He stopped at my throat and looked down at me. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Why?” I whispered.

“You know why, Lamb.”

I sat up with my back against the backboard. “No. No I don’t. And if you tell me the reason that I think you’re going to then I’m gonna be a little upset with you.”

He laid on his back with his head at my hip. “I’m going to have to upset you then. Because I know now what I didn’t realize before. You deserve a lot better than me.”

I can’t do better than him. Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. “No. I don’t accept that.” Of the hundred reasons we shouldn’t be together, that wasn’t even on the list.

“You have to.”

We sat quietly for a while and I went into my own head. I was in this so deeply. I was already in love. The thing I was trying to avoid. My options were these; I could not try. I could take no for an answer, because, honestly it was probably for the best. Not for why he thought it was. But because I could stop it from hurting me more later. Then comes option two. Because option one is ridiculous. Love was the threshold and I crossed it. It was too late for me. Even if I never saw him again, it would ache for the rest of my days. I wouldn’t go a single day without mourning him. Whether he was alive or dead.

So I could try. I could push and do as my father told me to. I could take what I wanted. I could fight. Because nothing was impossible. Could we win the fight if I was the only one fighting?

“Can I ask you something?” I said quietly as my fingers moved through his hair.

“What?”

“You’ve…you’ve been with a lot of girls. Why did you let them see your scars but not me?”

He didn’t take a second to answer. “Because you mattered. They didn’t.”

“None of them?”

“Not a single one.”

I was on top of him a second after that. There was surprise in his face before my lips went to his. He made a sound of protest but that only lasted a second. Then he made that growly sound again and it made me a little dizzy. Then I made a sound too, softer and more desperate.

He flipped us over and his hand gripped my waist. My legs moved around him and he rocked against me. My brain became mush and it was a real fight trying to not make a loud and embarrassing sound. I didn’t succeed.

He stopped kissing me. “Really, we shouldn’t be doing this. I can’t.”

I smiled. “Well, sweetheart, I’m not sure all of you got the memo.”

He looked down but he was pressed too tightly against me to see what I was feeling from him. “That isn’t my fault. The blame lies entirely with you. Though I apologize.”

“Don’t. I like it.”

His mouth dropped open slightly and an eyebrow went up. “Are you trying to kill me?”

“No,” I said with false guilt. “If I wanted to kill you, I’d do something like this,” my hand moved down his sides and I dropped my legs so I could reach his zipper.

“Okay then,” he rolled off of me and onto his back. “We should just end that right there.”

I sucked in a breath between my teeth. “Should we?”

“Yes,” he covered his face with his hands.

My door opened and Hadley was on the other side. She was holding her phone and her eyes went to the two of us.

Hale moved quickly to cover himself with a pillow, but if Hadley’s giggles were anything to go by, she already saw.

“Guess I know what you guys were up to,” she smiled. “Sis, I took it upon myself to stock your nightstand with condoms. Clearly you need them. But it feels a lot better without them. So I suggest you try and figure out the rhythm method since the pill won’t work on us.”

“W-what do you mean the pill won’t work on us?!”

She looked at Hale. “Later. Anyway, Mom’s gone for the night and we’re ordering dinner. Blue Balls over there can join us if he wants.”

“Hadley! Be nice.” I looked over to him and he looked like he was trying way too hard not to care about this. “Wanna stay for dinner?”

“Sure,” he said flatly before he pulled his sweater back on.



We ordered from a Chinese place and we all sat at the table while we ate.

“Back off. Brom Cat,” Hadley warned him. “I will kill you.” He kept looking up at her. Expectantly. Probably because she always feeds the stupid cat.

Hale took a bite of his food. “So, you’ll tell me some stuff but not all?” he asked after I finished explaining as best as I could. My father already let the cat out of the bag. I was trying my best to pick up the pieces.

“Yes. Are you going to be able to deal with half answers to everything?”

“I think so. Hadley is your sister? And Walter is your brother?”

I nodded. “Louie is our dad.”

“How did Maddy get involved in any of this?”

I wondered how he would react to this next part. “She’s our sister too.”

His eyes widened slightly. “Sister? How old is she?”

“Older than she looks. A lot older. She raised us since we were a day old.”

“Hale,” Hadley said, “Can you pass the wood—I mean salt?” she snickered and he narrowed his eyes at her as he passed the salt. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I’m never coming back here. I hope you know that’s your fault.”

“I’m sorry. This must be really hard on you,” she almost didn’t get the words out before she exploded with laughter. 

“Stop it,” I said as I fought a smile.

“Sorry,” she picked at her food. “This place is good.”

“Yeah. It’s better than the last place we ordered from.”

She smiled and I knew I was screwed. “Yup. They’ve got some stiff competition.”

“Jesus,” Hale mumbled.

“HADLEY! Don’t make me hurt you!”

She held her hands up. “I surrender. I’m done I promise.”

Hale shook his head. “Anyway, what about your biological mother?”

“We never get to meet them. He…gets us and brings us to someone he picks out for us. A sibling.” He did it for many reasons. Only some of them I knew. To help keep the secret. To ensure we know what we are. To help keep an eye on us.

Hale breathed out and tried to figure it out in his head. “That makes no sense.”

“I would if you had all of the pieces.”

“So I guess that will always remain a mystery. What do you know about your mother?”

“Not much. I have her eyes and I was born in Paris.”

“She was an artist,” Hadley said. Our eyes went to her and she explained. “I remember Louie saying that when he dropped you off. She liked to paint.”

My head dropped and I stared at nothing.

“Do you wish he left you in Paris?” Hale asked.

My eyes went up. “No. I love my family. I wouldn’t trade what I have for someone I don’t know.” And my mortal mother would die one day. I’d be all alone. “I’m happy with this life.”

After we were done eating I made Hadley do the dishes alone for all of her jokes. If Hale really didn’t come back I’d hurt her for it.

We sat on my bed and I had my head on his shoulder. Our hands were laced together.

“Can I go back to bringing you to school and home again?” he asked me.

I smiled. “Yes. If you want to.”

“I do.”

“Good,” I laughed. “Then it’s settled.”

“It is.”

I let a few minutes pass by before I took a risk. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

“Rory…”

“Just to sleep,” I told him. “I just don’t want you to go home yet. I want to wake up with you next to me.” I missed it.

He took a deep breath. “If you promise to not take advantage of me in the night, then I suppose I could stay.”

“Take advantage? Like I can’t have you if I wanted to,” I said confidently.

He let go of my hand and crossed his arms. “No. I have an iron will.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah right.”

“It’s true.”

I decided to prove him wrong. I pushed him onto his back and straddled him. I already saw a losing fight in his eyes, but I wasn’t done. I slowly undid his zipper and I watched his face as he fought internally about what he was going to about it.

I leaned over and opened my nightstand. Hadley wasn’t lying. I shook my head and sighed when I saw the three boxes of condoms she threw in there. I pulled a single one out and put the corner in between my teeth and prepared to open it.

Hale held my hands steady. “No. Please, Godno. Not the teeth. Anything but with your teeth.” I wasn’t sure if that was bad or not, but It didn’t take long. I was in the perfect position to figure out the answer to if it was bad or good. I managed to control my smile.

“S’OKAY, AURORA!” Hadley screamed from the living room. “YOU’LL GET THE HANG OF IT AFTER A FEW TIMES!”

I froze. No. No way. She couldn’t possibly thing I was— “Oh god…she thinks—” She does…she really does.

“IT’S A LOT EASIER ON GIRLS. IT’S PART OF WHY I SWITCHED BACK.”

I blinked and fell beside Hale on the bed. I dropped the condom and stared at the ceiling. “I’m done playing now. I think the only option left is suicide.”

“How the Hell did she even hear me?” Hale threw the condom back in the drawer and zipped up his pants. He looked back at me. “Maybe I’d have some sympathy for you if you’d helped me more with her earlier. You wanted to laugh. I could just see it on your face.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Can we just go to bed now? I don’t want to be conscious anymore.”

“Fine with me. But you’ll need to put on a pair shorts or something on.”

“Why?”

“Best not give me access to you. I might lose my mind and do something stupid like…I don’t know…”

“I think you do.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Liar.”

I got up and picked out my jammies. Shorts and a button up. I changed in the bathroom and went back to bed, turning the light out before I did.

Hale snuggled up behind me under the covers. It was so much warmer with him next to me. I could get used to it. But I knew I wouldn’t get the chance. Not with his new issues with it.

“Goodnight, Lamb,” he kissed me under my earlobe and his lips lingered. For someone who didn’t want this, he sure wasn’t good at trying to live it.

“Goodnight.”

I laid there and thought about way back when he first told me his intentions with me. When he told me he wanted me to love him. And when he said it again and again. I was sure I never would. How wrong I turned out to be.

I wonder what he would think if he knew he got his wish. I wondered if he’d ever know.