American Made (Against the Tides #2) (19 page)

I hate that I fought him so much on coming with him this week. I needed it whether I wanted to admit it or not. And even though I’m not actually talking about the other day, some part of me feels a bit better about it. I don’t know why people think you have to talk about a situation to make it better. I’m proof that if you bury your demons deep enough you can force yourself to forget. Or at least pretend you don’t see them.

As much as I want to stay here and spend the morning with Gentry touching me, my shoulder is aching from lying on it all night. I know there has to be something in my bag to take the edge off and the coffee smell coming from downstairs is calling my name.

Inching out from under his arm, I slide into my shorts and pull Gentry’s t-shirt over my head. I quietly shuffle stuff around in my bag until I find the pill bottle I’m looking for and head downstairs. I pop the top off the bottle and count them out as I walk. As I step into the kitchen I make the mistake of looking up even though the noises coming from the room tell me I shouldn’t. Rush’s ass flexes as he thrusts into Envy on the kitchen floor.

“My eyes!” I scream, covering my face. 

The pills go flying, falling to the floor and scattering across the tile. I hear them scramble to get covered as I back out of the room. By the time I get back to the stairs Gentry is rushing down them to see why I screamed. He grabs me, looking me up and down to see if I’m OK, and pulls me into his arms. I bury my face into his bare chest and try to get the image of what I just saw out of my head.

“What’s wrong? What the hell happened?”

“Rush’s ass. Naked Envy. My eyes!”

“Come on, you guys!” Gentry yells at them. I hear their feet slap against the floor as they step up behind me and Envy is the first one to speak up. Taking a chance, I turn around, grateful that everything essential is covered now.

“I’m never gonna unsee that!”

“Sorry,” Envy mumbles. ”It was my fault. I didn’t think anyone else would be up this early and I’m not used to having to sneak around while we’re here.”

Gentry stiffens behind me and Rush’s eyes shoot to him. It makes me think something is wrong other than the fact that they were hooking up. When what she says finally sinks in I cock my head to the side.

“What’s that mean? This is more than a one-time thing?”

“It’s Rush’s birthday week,” she says, shrugging, ignoring the fact that Rush is trying to get her to stop talking. “We’ve been doing this for years but I’m not used to having to sneak around because the only people ever here were participating.”

“But I thought Gentry told me that it’s usually the three of you that come up here.” Every second I think about what she’s said, the more I piece together what she’s actually saying. Rush is as white as a ghost and I don’t even think Gentry is breathing any more.

“Well yeah. That’s why we didn’t have to worry about sneaking around.”

The second the words leave her mouth everything she said seems to hit her. I step out of Gentry’s grasp and turn to look at him, hoping that he’ll tell me that I misunderstood her. There has to be some other explanation for what she’s saying that doesn’t involve the three of them being together and keeping it from me. The feelings I’m having as I wait for him to say something are new to me and I’m not sure how to handle them.

Gentry reaches for me but I step back, noticing for the first time that Knox is standing at the top of the staircase watching.

“Say something,” I beg but he stays silent. The terrified look in his eyes tells me everything I want to know. “Say anything, Gentry.”

When he still fails to tell me that I heard wrong, I climb the stairs to get my stuff, ripping my arm out of his grasp when he reaches to stop me. I have to get out of here before I do something I’ll regret more than letting myself get into a situation like this. When I reach the top of the stairs, Knox won’t look at me at all.

“Thanks for tellin’ me, Knox. I’m glad to know that our decade of friendship means so much to you.”

“Emerson,” he protests, finally looking at me.

I ignore the look he’s giving me and turn away from him. “Don’t fuckin’ talk to me, Knox.”

Grabbing my wallet, I force my way past him and down the stairs again. When I get to the door Gentry is right on my heels, begging me to turn around and talk to him. It isn’t until I step outside that I realize I didn’t drive myself here.

This is why I don’t do this shit. How the fuck did I let this get this far? Why did I even come here without having a way out?

“Emerson, stop!”

I continue to ignore him and decide that walking the nearly two hundred miles home is better than staying here. Gentry grabs my arm when I reach the end of the driveway and spins me around. The movement makes my arm throb, reminding me that my pills are scattered across the kitchen floor but I’m not going back for them now.

“Why would I stop, Gentry?”

“To let me explain.”

I shake him off and step back. “I got all the explanation I need. This was never gonna work anyway. So just go back inside and fuck Envy like you usually do. Hell,” I yell loud enough that everyone can hear since they are now standing on the deck watching us. “Maybe Knox can join in this year too! Three holes. Three dicks.  And since Ari’s here and Knox is head over heels in love with her, maybe he can tag her in too! Sounds perfect! Happy birthday, Rush. I hope it’s a good one!”

Gentry growls when the words leave my mouth and I begin to walk away again. “Let me explain.”

 “Is that what you want, Gentry?” I ask, pointing at the house. “You want someone who will just let you fuck them with your buddies? Because that’s not me, and you should have realized that from day one.”

“No, damn it! I want you just like you are. I told you that the other night.”

I run my hands through my hair, trying to dull the aching feeling in my chest. “Could have fooled me. If you did you would’ve told me. You should have told me, Gentry. You shouldn’t have let me come here without knowin’ and you should have filled me in on what usually happens on this trip when you were tellin’ me about it.”

“I thought you knew!” he says, trying to defend himself. “I thought Envy would have told you about it at some point over the years until the guys said something the other day. But you’re right, I should have told you anyway.”

“And that makes it even worse,” I scream. By now I’m sure that even though you can’t see them, the neighbors are getting quite the show. “You relied on the hope that someone else told me and then when you found out they hadn’t, you
still
kept it from me.”

“I know, baby,” he whispers, stepping closer to me with his hand outstretched. “I know, and I’m so sorry.”

I step back so he can’t touch me. “You brought me here and let me sit here like a fool thinking that for once in my life I had a relationship that wasn’t full of lies. You found out all my secrets, Gentry. You saw the first breakdown I’ve had in over fifteen years, and you
still
didn’t tell me. Did you actually think that I would be OK with you coming here without me if I knew what usually happened on these trips?”

“Nothing you do is like other women, Emerson. How the hell should I have known that you wouldn’t be OK with it?”

“By asking me!”

 Spinning around, I head toward the road again. Gentry’s footsteps crunch the gravel behind me as he follows, still trying to get me to calm down and go back to the house.

“Everyone has secrets, Emerson,” he yells at my back and I can tell he’s grasping at straws now. Anything to get my attention and make himself feel better about the situation. I know I’m probably overreacting, but for once in my life I can’t stop myself. “You damn sure know that since you keep them from everyone.”

Unable to stop myself, I spin back around and don’t stop moving until I’m chest to chest with him. The hurt in his eyes is evident, shining bright behind the blue and brown that swirl together, but the anger I feel outweighs any thought I have of backing down. I fight to hold on to the anger because I know the second I let it go I’m going to break. Awhile back I started to realize that Gentry was slowly piecing my heart back together but all his work just went to hell. I need the anger to stay as long as I can keep it because it’s like a vice holding me together, and the second it is gone, I know the shattered pieces of my heart that Gentry was gluing back together won’t stick and I’ll be worse than I ever was before.

“You’re right,” I seethe, digging for more anger because I know he is but I can’t allow that sway my mind right now. “Everyone does have secrets. But what I kept from you, and the fact that you’ve fucked one of my best friends on probably every surface in the house you fought with me to come to, are two vastly different things.”

“How?” he shouts, throwing his arms out to the sides. “How the hell is it different? Tell me how you can justify your secrets, but not mine.”

“Because what I kept from you was to keep you from knowing exactly how much of a nightmare my life has been. I didn’t want you to know and try to picture what I’ve seen. What you kept from me was to hide the fact that Knox was right about you bein’ a whore, and finding out the way I did is one hell of a way to ensure that I see you guys together every time I close my fuckin’ eyes.”

Gentry opens his mouth to say something but quickly thinks better of it. Nothing he could say right now would help the situation anyway. He may stay silent but the way he stares at me speaks louder than anything he could ever say.

This. This right here is why I never let myself feel so much for a person. As much as I want to keep saying that it was because I didn’t to hurt them if something happened to me and I didn’t come home, I can’t. I realize now that, more than anything, it was because I was afraid that they would make me actually feel something again and they would break me. I closed myself off after Sam died for a reason. Feelings and heartache fuck with judgment and tear people apart. They can break you quickly and all at once, or slowly, tearing you apart piece by piece until you feel like you’re nothing. Sometimes, if you’re strong enough, you can bounce back, but other times you’re left to live as nothing but a shell of who you used to be.

I spent years accepting that I would never be more than what you saw. I was just a shell, and if you didn’t know the things I was capable of all you would see was a pretty package. Foolishly I let Gentry breathe life back into me, showing me that I could have more than I ever allowed myself to. Now that I know better, all I need to know is how long it will take me to be back to being fine as the empty shell again.

“DO NOT follow me, Gentry,” I say, pulling myself away from him. “If you do, I will use every ounce of hurt and anger I have built up inside of me, and I’ll make sure you hurt as much as I do right now.”

“How are you gonna get home, Emerson? And what about your stuff?” he yells at my back. “At least let me drive you home so I know you get there!”

Without turning around I answer him, trying to keep my voice steady because now that I’m not staring him down, I’m starting to fall apart, “I’ll walk, maybe catch a bus. Hell, I’ll just flag down truckers and fuck my way home! Anything is better than stayin’ here with you. And it’s just stuff, Gentry. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to buy new shit and start over.”

Watching Emerson walk away from me is harder than I ever expected it could be. Then again, I never expected to see it happen. It wasn’t that I didn’t know it could happen someday, but I never thought I would let myself feel this deeply for someone else.

I’ve never been on this side of the fight; I’ve always been the one to walk away.

Have I said things like what Emerson just said to me? Have I made people hurt as badly as I do right now?

Right now every beat of my heart feels forced, like someone is squeezing the life out of it. My feet feel like they’re weighed down with cement, making it impossible for me to move from the spot she left me in. It’s like a force is holding me hostage so I have to watch her leave me without being able to do shit about it.

I can’t move, have to fight to breathe, and every time I open my mouth to yell after her, her words come back and slap me in the face. Everything she said was right. I should have been the one to tell her and it should have happened long before it did. I can lie and say I was keeping it from her because I didn’t want to add more shit to her already horrible mindset, but the truth is I was afraid to tell her. I knew that finding out would freak her out even if she isn’t like the usual women I’m with.

When I finally manage to pull my head out of my ass, she’s been out of my sight for far too long. I’ve been staring at an empty stretch of road hoping she’ll change her mind and turn around. I should have known better. One thing I know about Emerson is that she won’t rush into a warzone without having an escape plan. She wouldn’t willingly put herself in a situation that has her alone and surrounded by terrorists.

Right now, to her, this is an active warzone and she thinks we’re on opposing sides of the fight. The landmine she stepped on back in the house started a battle she doesn’t think is worth fighting.

I can’t let her walk away without at least trying to save what we have. If I can just make her see that I was trying to protect her, maybe I can get her to forgive me. I know it’s a long shot, but I have to try. Just because she doesn’t think we’re worth fighting for doesn’t make it true. I’d give up everything to make her see what I do when I look at her.

When I finally get back up to the house, everyone is dead silent and staring at me. Everyone except Ari, who, understandably, can’t look away from Knox. There’s nothing like finding out the best friend of your late husband is in love with you from someone screaming about it in the same breath as tagging him into a gangbang. 

Pushing past them, I take the stairs two at a time until I reach the room I was sharing with Emerson. It’s hard to believe that less than an hour ago she was curled up in my arms and now I’m unsure if I’ll ever have a chance to touch her again.

As fast as I can, I grab everything we brought and throw it back into the suitcases. There’s no use leaving it because if she even gives me a chance to take her home there’s no way in hell she will want to come back here to get everything.