American Made (Against the Tides #2) (16 page)

I force myself to move forward because seeing Maverick, a kid I’ve watched grow up over the past few years, hurts like hell. Pulling the strap to my gun over my head, I hand it off to Reid, doing the same thing with the one holstered on my thigh. 

“Take it slow and easy. Don’t push him too far too fast.” It’s obvious to me that Reid can tell how nervous I am. He grabs my arm, forcing me to look at him. “I wouldn’t be telling you to do this if I didn’t believe you were capable of doing so successfully.”

I don’t say it, but his encouragement gives me the push I need. Reid takes over the spot I left and I step up between him and Miles, walking closer with them slowly.

“Maverick,” I say, trying to keep my tone calm. “Maverick, honey, it’s Emerson Hollis.”

He spins, wide eyed, and presses the barrel of his gun against his temple. “Why are you here? Get out of here!” he screams. “You shouldn’t be here! How did you know where I was?”

His tear-filled eyes dart around the room but he never takes the gun away from his temple.
Where the hell did he get a gun?

“Maverick, I work for the SRU now. We got a call about some scared kids because someone had a gun. We didn’t know it was you until I saw you. Can you tell me what’s goin’ on?”

Maverick fists his free hand by his side before pounding against his other temple. “Nobody understands what it’s like to hurt like this,” he sobs. “People don’t get it!”

“People don’t get what, Mav? Can you tell me?”

“Why? So you can judge me too? You were the one person in my life that doesn’t look at me like I was a freak. Can’t you just leave?”

The wobble in his voice as he tries to calm himself down kills me. There are very few things that make me feel like I do right now. Watching Ari breakdown when she was told that Brett was never coming home would be one of those times. Sam would be another.

“I can’t do that, honey. You know I can’t do that.”

“I don’t want to scare the kids,” he mumbles. “I don’t want to hurt them. They don’t deserve it like I do.”

Like he does? He seemed fine when I saw him last week.

“We need to get him to let the kids out of here so they don’t get hurt,” Rush’s voice crackles through my headset.

I need to know what is going on in Maverick’s head, but I know I need to get the group of kids out first. 

“Maverick, I know you don’t want to hurt anyone so how about we let the kids and their teachers leave and then we can talk.”

He sinks back against the tank glass and nods. Driving the heel of his hand into his eye, he attempts to wipe the tears out of his eyes.

Oh, Maverick. What the hell have you gotten into?

We push forward, creating a barrier between him and the group of people. Not taking my eyes off the gun, I force myself to push my personal feelings about Miles and grab his shoulder. I hold onto him so he knows where I am while Reid gets everyone he can off the floor. We have almost everyone out when he screams at us, making us stop before the majority of the high school class can get out. When I can no longer hear footsteps on the ramp, I go back to talking to Maverick.

“Thank you for lettin’ those kids go, Maverick.”

I try to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when he opens his mouth to speak again. “The little kids… they shouldn’t have to see what’s going to happen.”

“You said before that people don’t get it. What don’t they get?”

My question only seems to irritate him, making him smash the gun against his head again so I stay quiet and wait for him to calm back down.

“It hurts so much,” he cries. “No one knows what it feels like to blame themselves for something they can’t change. They don’t know what it’s like to hate themselves so much that the only thing that will take the pain away is ending everything!”

“Nothin’ is worth what you’re thinkin’ about doin’,” I tell him.

He screams, something about Sarah as he begins banging the back of his head off the glass behind him. At the mention of his sister’s name everything starts to make sense.

“She can’t do this, Reid,” Miles mutters. “She’s losing him.”

 “No,” I bite out, finally realizing that I’m probably the only one that can. “I
can
do this. I think I know what’s goin’ on with him.”

Turning my attention back to what I’m doing, I watch his erratic movements, trying to figure out what he’s going to do next. I breathe a little easier without a ton of little kids around, but I’m still worried that his finger is going to slip. The bullet will either hit him, us, or one of the extremely large glass panels, causing thousands of gallons of water to break free. Thankfully the kids that are still here have managed to work themselves to the floor behind us.

“Maverick, can you tell me what’s going on? Are you missin’ Sarah today? Is that why you’re doin’ this?”

My question receives yelling and his gun pointing at me as a response. “Don’t talk about her! You know nothing! You’re just like everyone else and I can’t do it anymore. It hurts so much not to see her and it’s all my fault! You don’t know what it’s like to hate yourself every day of your life!”

My past suddenly slams into the present. Every second that I’ve taken to try to forget, every ounce of energy it takes to force the hateful feelings away, are wasted because of one kid.

Fucking kid.

I take a deep breath and pull myself out of my thoughts. “Actually, I do know what that’s like, Maverick,” I admit softly.

“Don’t lie to me,” he screams, thrusting the gun in my direction again. I know that any second Rush will be given the go ahead to take his shot but that’s the last thing I want.

“Emerson,” Nolan speaks up from the truck. “Rule one is never lie to the subject.”

I want to scream that I know what the rules are. I want to fly out of this building and punch Nolan just for thinking that I don’t, but I can’t even fathom walking away from this without Maverick being safe.

“I’m not lyin’,” I say to Maverick, but it’s meant for them all. “I know exactly what it’s like to hate yourself every second of every day. I know what it’s like to fall asleep prayin’ you don’t wake up, and to wake up wishin’ you hadn’t.”

“No you don’t,” he moans.

“I do, honey. Just like I know what it’s like to blame yourself for bein’ the reason you can’t see your sister anymore. I know how much it hurts.”

His eye shift across the room, landing on everything but me. I need them on me. To get him to focus means that I’m starting to get through to him. It means I’m not letting the world in on my past for absolutely nothing right now.

“Everyone says they know, but they don’t! People blame me but they don’t realize that the things they say to me are what I think every single day! You don’t know! You kill people for a living.”

Ouch. You don’t shoot to kill, you shoot to protect.
I remind myself. I think those words have come out of my mouth or run through my head more times since I started this job than they ever did before.

For years I’ve forced myself to be strong. In my mind, tears make you weak, but right now, watching him break down over something I know all about, has me on the edge of crying. I take a deep breath because I know that I’m no good if that happens.

Choosing to ignore his comment, I continue. “I just wanna talk, Maverick. That’s it. I’m just here to talk but in order to do that I need you to lower the gun. You don’t have to put it down, but I can you lower it so no one gets hurt on accident?”

“You just want me to put it down so you can be done with me like everyone else.”

Stepping in front of Miles, I force Maverick’s attention to me despite everyone telling me not to.

“I don’t wanna be done with you, Maverick. I just want you to know that even though you feel like you’re alone, you’re not. I’m not lyin’ about knowin’ how it feels. I’ve been through the same thing. I can help you get through it.”

He slams the gun against his temple again and screams. “There’s only one way to get over it.”

“No, there isn’t!” I raise my voice, letting my feelings get the best of me for a second before reeling myself in. I guess I’ve always assumed that one day every ounce of hatred that I had toward myself would come out. I just never thought that it would be because of a sixteen year old or in front of a ton of people that have no right to know the things I’ve been through. Taking a deep breath, I force myself to keep going. “You wake up in the mornin’ and blame yourself for Sarah dyin’.”

His eyes snap to me, exactly where I need them to be. “I hate waking up in the morning,” he mutters.

“I know.” I swallow hard. “I know because sometimes before you have a chance to open your eyes you can forget. For just a few minutes every day you forget what happened and everything is OK.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, finally lowering the gun to so it is pointed at the floor instead of his head or one of us. I can hear the exhaustion in his voice. “But as soon as I open my eyes it all slams back into my chest. It hurts, Emerson. I can’t do it anymore.”

“You can, Maverick. I promise that if I can make it through it, you can too.”

“I don’t believe you!” he escalates again.

“Emerson,” Reid says quietly in my ear. “You’re doing great but I think you’re going to have to give him more than
I know
as an answer. We have his parents in the truck with Nolan now so we’re going to get some information from them, but keep going.”

I dig deep, thinking about things that I’ve forced myself to keep under the surface for years. I know before the words even come out of my mouth that I’m going to pay for it later.

“Remember how you asked me if I had any siblings when we first met? I told you no… that was a lie.” Maverick’s eyebrows draw together in confusion but he slowly lowers the gun a little more with each word I speak. “I had a brother. Sam. His name was Sam and he was two years older than me. When I was twelve he was in his first year in high school and he said it was hell. The kids were mean, the classes were too hard. Everything got to him until he couldn’t take it anymore and he killed himself.”

“That’s not the same!” He sniffles, dragging his free hand under his nose. “It wasn’t your fault that your brother died. I let Sarah get in that car. I told her to go. I disobeyed our parents and let her go with her friends anyway. If I had said no and made her go back inside she’d still be here. She’d still be alive!”

I take a step forward, inching closer to him. “If I had stayed inside with Sam that day he’d still be alive, Maverick. Every morning since then it hits me that he’s really gone. I blame myself. There are days that I can’t get up unless I force myself. There are times that I can’t stand to look in the mirror because of what I see lookin’ back at me. I have nightmares and no matter what I do, or what people tell me, nothin’ changes the way I feel.” His eyes flick from my face to his feet and I know I’m close to getting him to give up so I continue to inch closer.

“They blame me, Emerson,” he whispers.

I shake my head, knowing exactly where he’s coming from. “No, they don’t. They don’t blame you for anything, honey. They’re outside talkin’ to my friend Nolan right now and all they want is for you to come out safely and go home with them.”

“It’s never going to get better, is it?” he mutters, sounding completely defeated. 

“Better?” I try to conceal the wobble in my voice as I ask, reaching my hand out slowly. “I won’t lie and tell you that it gets better but it does get easier to deal with.”

Clasping my hand over the barrel of the gun, I pull it gently from his hand. The second it is out of his hand I pull him into me hold the gun out for Miles to take. Maverick wraps his arms around me, sobbing into my neck about how sorry he is and how much he misses his sister. He sinks to the floor, pulling me with him until he’s cradled against my chest. I can’t help but wonder if I’ve actually helped him by letting him know what I’ve been through, or if we’ve simply delayed the inevitable.

“Holy shit,” Knox mutters, staring at his phone.

“What’s up, man?” I ask, dropping down next to him on the couch in the lounge.

“This isn’t good.”

Reaching out, I grab his arm and move it until I can see his screen. What looks like a cell phone camera feed plays on his screen with the YouTube icon in the bottom corner. At first I think he’s just watching something stupid but the second the person in tactical gear turns her head I know I’m wrong. I suddenly can’t breathe because the woman on the screen is Emerson and there is a kid thrusting a gun at her.

“When was this?” I ask when I finally find my voice. Every word that comes out of the speaker on his phone has me gripping the edge of the chair. 

He shrugs. “A few hours ago maybe. Envy sent me the link because it’s on the news. I guess it happened while we were out on that last flight.”

I have a hard time watching the rest of the video and even though everything turns out fine at the end, everything that was said was hard to hear. By the pale look on Knox’s face I figure that he knows nothing about what Emerson was telling the kid with the gun.

“Has anyone heard from her? Does anyone know if that stuff was true?” 

He shrugs again which is not the answer that I was looking for. Jumping up, I rush to the locker room and grab my shit out of my locker. I run past my Commanding Officer without a word and I know that when I come in after my vacation I will be in deep shit for leaving early without permission. I jump into my truck, tear out of the parking lot and weave through traffic like my ass is on fire until I get to Emerson’s house. I try to calm down as I drive but the more I try, the worse it gets. How the hell could Rush let me know about the fight she and Miles got into a few weeks ago so I knew what was going on, but couldn’t give me a heads up on this? Seeing what happened on YouTube would’ve been a hell of a lot easier if I had gotten a heads up.

When I get to her house I don’t bother knocking because I’m sure she won’t answer anyway. Pushing my way through the front door, I start to yell out her name but stop myself when I hear her sniffle. I follow the sound until I see her.