Anywhere But Here (23 page)

“Just don’t want you to get caught up in some idea that I’m your hero or that I’m something I’m not.”

“Are you going to continue to be straight with me, even when you don’t think I want to hear it? And treat me with respect and not make me feel as worthless as Jeremy did?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Because that’s all I need you to do. I don’t need you to be anything else, so get it out of your head that I’m somehow going to fall all over you like a damsel in distress and expect you to turn into Prince Charming. I already did the charming thing, and he turned out to be a snake, so I’m good there. I just need a friend right now that I can trust, and who’s never expected me to be anything but what I am. Right now, that’s you.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“You hungry?”

“Yes.” I’d hardly eaten the last few days. This was the first time I’d had much of an appetite.

“Then sit tight. I’ll be right back.”

He returned a few minutes later with a selection from the cafeteria that we shared. He’d picked out things he thought I would prefer, like a fruit and yogurt parfait and a salad, and then he talked me into eating some of the pizza and fries he’d gotten for himself. I asked him to show me what he’d been working on in class, but he said it wasn’t finished. After a few minutes of incessant nagging, he did let me look at a few other sketches from his book.

“Wow, these are really good.” I flipped through it, and then he took the book from me before I could flip to the last few. “Are you going to art school?”

He chuckled like there was something funny in my question. “No, I doubt I’ll be going to art school, or any school for that matter.”

“Why not?”

“I look like I got tens of thousands of dollars lying around for college?”

“There are scholarships.”

“And who do you think is going to give me one?”

“You don’t know that you couldn’t get one, and even without scholarships, there’s financial aid.”

“And if I go off to college who’s going to work to make sure Trin has food to eat and clothes to wear to school and all the other shit she needs?”

I’d heard rumors that Kellen’s parents weren’t around. I think the story was that his dad died, or maybe went to prison and his mom just bailed, but I’d never paid too much attention to what anyone said, and I certainly hadn’t asked him about it until now. “Where are your parents at?”

“My dad got sent up to Broad River when I was ten. Got twenty three years, died four years into his sentence and that was a year after my Mom took off. Don’t know and don’t care where she’s at, but it means I’m all Trin’s got.”

“That guy, the older one at your house, he was your brother?”

“Yeah. That’s Tucker, and he’s about as worthless as my dad was. Sure as hell can’t count on him to look after Trin, so like I said, I’m all she’s got.”

“That’s not right,” I said softly.

“No it’s not, because she deserves a hell of a lot more than that, but it’s life and there ain’t shit I can do about it right now, except take care of her the best I can and make sure she does get to go to college.”

“You deserve more than that too.”

He wasn’t comfortable with the conversation and quickly diverted the subject. I didn’t bring up his family or home situation again after that. We parted when the bell rang, but before I could make it to my fourth period, Cammie, on her way to lunch, cornered me in the hall, dragging me off out of earshot of our classmates.

“What the hell are you doing, Shaeleigh?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that everyone is talking about you and Nash. Jeremy is having a damn fit about it, and did you see his face? Did you know Nash beat the crap out of him?”

“Can we talk about this later? I need to get to class.”

“No, you need to tell me what you’re doing with Nash. Using him to get back at Jeremy isn’t smart.”

“I’m not using him. I’m not doing anything with him. We’re just friends.”

“Says every person in denial ever.”

“I’m not in denial. There’s nothing to deny.”

“Kellen Nash doesn’t do just friends, Shaeleigh. He does fuck buddies.” She would know.

“Well it’s different between us.”

“Oh God,” she groaned. “Don’t do this. Please tell me you are not dumb enough to think he’ll be different with you. I know you’re hurting over Jeremy, but you are just going to dig yourself into a deeper mess with Nash.”

“I don’t think anything, other than he is
just
my friend, okay?” I debated telling her about what happened after I left the party on Saturday, but wasn’t sure that it would help convince her I wasn’t doing something stupid. “You don’t need to worry, but I need to get to class now.”

Cam was right about one thing, Jeremy was having a fit. He was outside the gym waiting for me before fifth. I looked around, hoping to see Kellen so he could run interference for me again, but he wasn’t around yet.

“Jeremy,” I gritted when I got near him, “if you care at all about how I’m feeling right now, please walk away and give me space.”

“I just need to talk to you.” And that right there was the crux. It’d always been about what he needed and wanted.

“I don’t really care what you need. I needed a boyfriend who wouldn’t cheat on me, but instead I got you.” I tried to walk past him to get to the gym, but he blocked me, putting his hands on my shoulders.

“Please just listen. I’m sorry I screwed up. It was a mistake and it was stupid, but I don’t even care about her.”

“That makes me feel so much better. Good to know you threw away our almost two year relationship for a screw that didn’t even mean anything. Now move out of my way so I can go change.” I shoved his hands away, noticing that several of our classmates showing up for gym were gathering to watch, but I didn’t feel like giving them a show. Unfortunately Jeremy did.

“It’s not like that,” he insisted.

“Then what’s it like? Because from where I’m at, it looks a lot like our relationship meant nothing to you.”

“That’s not true. You mean everything to me.”

I thought I was going to be sick. Everything was just lie, lie, lie and it made me feel that much more foolish that I hadn’t been able to see through it before.

“No, I don’t. If that were true, you wouldn’t have slept with Daisy. You wouldn’t have hooked up with her at Josh’s and then lied to me about it. You wouldn’t have cheated on me with all those other girls either.”

“Who’s been telling you I cheated with other girls? Is it Nash?” he spat his name with a sneer. “What are you doing with him, Shaeleigh? Are you just trying to get back at me?”

“No, it’s not about you Jeremy. The fact that you think I would use him to hurt you just proves you don’t even know me at all.” Once again, I tried to end this conversation by going inside where I could escape into the girl’s locker room, but Jeremy wasn’t done having this out and there was no one around who felt like helping me out. They all just wanted to gawk so they could recap it all later for the rest of the school.

“Well what else am I supposed to think when you’ve been spending all this time with him lately? And then showing up to class with him at your side and eating lunch with him and sending him after me on Saturday.”

“You’re supposed to trust me, like I trusted you! I spent time with him because I had to for our project, and now I’m spending time with him, because unlike you, he actually gives a crap about what I need right now, and I didn’t send him after you on Saturday. I was too drunk and sick and heartbroken to do anything. Because of you! He’s my friend. That’s all he is and all he was every single time you wanted to have this fight. So do not bring him into this and try to make him your excuse or put the fault on me. You cheated. Not me. And now I’ll spend time with whoever I want and it’s none of your business anymore.”

“Well maybe I wouldn’t have cheated if you weren’t so damn frigid.”  His words were a slap to the face. “Ask any guy here what he would do if his girlfriend wouldn’t let him touch her.” I couldn’t believe he was doing this, and doing it in front of everyone.

I shook my head, fighting back the tears. “I’m not frigid,” I whispered meekly.

“Keep telling yourself that, but if you weren’t, I wouldn’t have had to go somewhere else just to feel wanted.”

Something in me snapped and I raised my hand, but someone caught my wrist before I could lash out with my hand. “Not worth it.”

Kellen had finally showed up, and Jeremy did not look happy to see him. I was wishing he’d showed up about five seconds later. “Easy for you to say, you already got to hit him.”

Jeremy’s glare shot to me. I returned it coldly.

“Come on tiger.” Ignoring Jeremy completely, he steered me inside the doors and walked with me toward the girls’ locker room. “He’s an asshole and his pride is wounded. He’s going to be a dick. Just ignore him.”

“I was trying to, but he wanted to have it out in front of everyone, and he said–”

“I know, I heard, and I wanted to break his face too. Again.” The doors to the gym opened and Jeremy and everyone else started trickling in. “Only an asshole who doesn’t know how to treat his girl would try to blame it on her,” Kellen said loud enough for everyone to hear.

Jeremy’s temper led him to be a jerk throughout the period. He just couldn’t let it go. He had to go out of his way to not only get in Kellen’s face, but to be cruel to me. I was impressed at how well Kellen kept his cool, like it didn’t even faze him. It wasn’t like him, but I think he was trying to keep it from escalating for my benefit. This tactic pissed Jeremy off all the more.

I was thankful when the hour was up, but knew Cammie would have more to say in sixth, especially since by now I was confident someone had sent a text and everything that happened in gym was making its way through the school.

By the time school let out, rumors included that I was a virgin, frigid prude, that I preferred girls, and on the polar end, some were speculating that I had cheated first or that I was rebounding now with Kellen. Oh and some jerk even decided to suggest that I’d had a threesome with Kellen and Derek. A lot of the people talking were people I’d considered friends, or at least in my group, but I couldn’t say I was all that shocked. Disappointed maybe, but not shocked.

The girls had split; those close to Daisy were no doubt helping to fuel the rumors that didn’t make her look so bad. And the ones who I guessed were on team me that came up to ask how I was doing, were still hoping I’d give them details about me and Kellen, or strike back at Jeremy by saying he had a tiny dick, or an STD or anything I wanted to make up to make him look bad, as if what he’d done didn’t do that already. I was tired of the fakeness, and the two-face backstabbing that I’d watched go on the past three years. I’d just never been in the middle of it before. I was over the drama already, but I knew it would be days or weeks before everyone else was.

When I found Kellen leaning up against my car in the parking lot, I decided right there to stop caring. Up ‘til now I’d done everything to be the good student, the good daughter, the good friend, the good girlfriend, the good cheerleader and everything else I thought I had to be, and what had it gotten me? What had it achieved? All those people in there that’d I’d tried so hard to please, were acting as if my life was the latest episode of Gossip Girl meant for their entertainment. So when Kellen asked if I wanted to meet up with him after cheer practice at the library to work on our project, I told him to forget the library and meet me at the pizza place by the school so we could get food before going to work at my place.

“Or you could just say to hell with cheerleading practice and we could take off now.”

“I can’t blow off practice,” I sighed, even though it was tempting.

“Why? Those girls are bitches, and do you even enjoy it?

I had to think about it for a moment. “I honestly don’t know anymore, but I have a commitment to the team.”

He reached forward and brushed aside a stray lock of hair from my cheek. “What kind of team talks behind your back and behaves like petty little bitches?”

I shrugged. “Football is almost over, and then I just have to get through the basketball season. I can handle that.”

I traded my backpack for my cheer bag and then promised to text him when practice was out. There were a few sets of eyes on us as we both walked away from my car in opposite directions.

Let them talk. Let my mother be disappointed, but I was done caring.

Shae

May 8

Present . . .

The party was over for me.

I squeezed some of the sea water from my dress and left Kellen standing under those damn lamp posts, not even caring what he must be thinking right now. I searched out Trin so I could say goodnight, but she wasn’t around the pool. I found Lizzie sitting with Ci and Lu and snagged her. Cici protested, insisting it was too early for us to bail on the party, but gave up the argument when I told her I wanted to get an early start in the morning.

Liz had no qualms about calling me on my excuse once we’d made our goodbyes to everyone outside and headed in to look for Trinity. “I saw you disappear onto the beach after a certain someone. You two go for a swim or something, and does he have anything to do with why you’re in such a hurry to get out of here?”

“Let’s just find Trin and say goodbye. I’ll fill you in on the drive home.”

I expected to find her in the kitchen, but it was empty. Thinking she might have gone to the den, we followed the hallway and accidentally stumbled upon her locked in a very passionate embrace with someone in a small alcove. They broke apart the second they heard our footsteps on the hardwood, but it was a second too late if they were hoping not to be caught.

Imagine my surprise when the guy she’d had her mouth fused to turned out to be Derek. They both wore that
busted
look, and Derek quickly excused himself. I arched my brow at Trin, who grimaced.

“Don’t suppose you want to just forget you saw that”

“Not a chance, but I’ll give you a reprieve tonight. We were just coming to say happy birthday again and good night, we’re taking off. Tomorrow I expect some details.”

She reluctantly agreed and then we said good night.

“Well damn, now I feel like an ass for flirting with him earlier,” Liz confided as our feet crunched through the gravel drive to the car.

“Don’t. They weren’t exactly advertising their togetherness. I didn’t even know or I would have warned you.”

We made it blocks from the party before she couldn’t hold back her inquisitiveness. “Okay, I’m dying here, are you going to tell me what happened down on the beach?”

I let out a heavy breath. “A lot. I’m still processing. Some of it was . . . hard. The other day, when I saw him with my mother, they were leaving an NA meeting.” She knew my mother’s coping mechanism consisted of Chardonnay and popping pills, or at least it used to.

“He was an addict?”

“Not when I knew him. Back then he never would have touched the stuff. His brother and both his parents used. He was so determined not to fall into the same trap.”

“How long has he been clean?”

“He got clean a couple weeks before I went off the deep end, right after . . .” I couldn’t even bring myself to say it, but I didn’t need to. Liz understood.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, and I guess my mother finally got her wake up call, because she started going to meetings just a few days after she found out I’d been admitted. Of course in all her sharing with the group, she never mentioned her reason. Kellen wanted to keep pressing the issue that I needed to fix things with her. I may have lost it a little bit. I broke down and sort of word vomited about what led to my stay in the treatment center.”

Out of the corner of my eye I watched her head snap to mine in shock. “You told him everything?”

“I told him some of the highlights, but no, not everything.”

“Oh,” a bit of disappointment hung from her words. “How, uh, did he take what you did tell him.”

“He  . . .” he handled it perfectly. He handled me perfectly. “It was easier to tell him than I thought it would be.”

“Do you think that maybe you’re ready to tell him the rest?”

“No. It was bad enough that he saw the tattoo.”

“How did that happen?”

“I kind of fell in the ocean and in case you didn’t notice, my dress is pretty see through right now.”

“Oh, but, uh, you two were playing in the water together? Without trying to drown each other?”

“I wouldn’t say that, no. I was in the water, but I was looking back at him on the beach. We were sort of teasing each other, and he didn’t warn me that a large wave had built.”

“I see.”

I was pretty sure she was seeing a lot more than there actually was to see.

“So, this is really going to work? You living here again and seeing him and being okay with that?”

I thought about it for a minute and thought about tonight and the past week, even remembering how angry I’d been when I saw him the first day back in town, and how different it was from how I felt down on the beach.

“Yeah. I think it’s going to be okay. I blamed him for so long, just because finding someone to blame was easier than accepting there was no one to blame. But we were two kids, both of us carrying too much weight on our shoulders. I had it built up in my head that we could save each other, and when that didn’t happen . . . I don’t know, but he was the first good thing I’d had since my dad died and then when it turned out to be a lie . . .”

“I know, but like you said, you were just two kids then. You’re not now.”

“Unh uh, Liz. Things might be okay, but they’ll never be what they were.”

“Maybe they’ll be better.”

“That chapter’s done. I’m glad I’m making peace with him, but that’s where it stops.”

“Bullshit. Anyone who sees the way you two still look at each other knows the story is far from over.”

“The only thing you see is a reflection of the past.”

“No, it’s not the past you’re both still hanging onto. It’s each other you can’t let go of. Even I can see that.”

“We spent a few months together a lifetime ago, when we were teenagers. We both know that high school romances rarely last.”

“We both also know that your life can change in a lot less time than a few months. It’s not the time that matters, but who you become during that time. He left his mark deep in you and I think the reason you wanted to hate him so badly is because you’ve never stopped loving him.”

I kept my eyes straight ahead on the road. “You’ve been watching too many Nicholas Sparks movies.”

“That may be true, but it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. The tattoo, the books, the fact that you haven’t seriously given another man a chance.”

“That’s not true, I’ve dated,” I contradicted her.

“No honey, you’ve gone on dates. Not the same thing.”

“And besides the first book, what do any of them have to do with Kellen?”

“Please, you’re forgetting that I’ve read them all, and after meeting Kellen, I feel like I’ve met each and every one of the guys you wrote on those pages, because in little ways, they’re all him. Maybe you don’t even realize it, but it’s the truth.”

I thought back over the four novels I’d published and couldn’t deny that the heroes had some similarities, but that didn’t mean they were all Kellen, it just meant I had a type.

A very Kellen like type . . .

“So what?” Very convincing argument, I know. “I haven’t been pining for Kellen the last seven years. That stopped a long time ago”

“I’m not saying you’ve been pining, just that every once in a while, life hands out second chances. I think this second chance is one you’ve both been waiting a long time for.”

“Liz, you’re forgetting the thing I’ve kept from him.”

“So tell him. It’s time, Shae.”

“He’ll never be able to look at me the same. The girl I used to be, he painted her on the wall of his shop, but I’m not that girl anymore. She lost her way and became someone else. The girl he loved isn’t here anymore.”

“Neither is the boy you loved. Instead there’s a man, and from what I can tell, a good one. Maybe he’ll be angry at first. Maybe he’ll look at you differently, but different isn’t always bad. You both made mistakes. You’ve both been through hell and back and somehow ended up finding each other again. Now maybe you should get to know the people you’ve become and you could find something new. Something better than before.”

Better than before.

I let myself play it over in my mind for just a moment, before I brushed it aside.

“This fresh start is about me figuring out who I am on the other side of the place I’ve been living for too long, and coming to terms with whoever that turns out to be. I think it’s something I need to do before I even consider what life could be like with someone else, especially with someone who played such a big part in the history that brought me here.”

She sighed, “You’re probably right. I just can’t help but want to believe there’s some kind of happy ending in this for both of you. I don’t want it to end like it did.”

I knew the feeling, but this ending wasn’t up to me.

Liz was right about one thing though, and that
was
up to me. Kellen deserved the whole truth. I just didn’t know how to tell him. Tonight had changed a lot for us, mostly for me. It wasn’t just that I’d realized there was no room for the hate and blame in this new life I was trying to build, but I didn’t want to hate him. Sitting beside him in the sand, thinking back on other times that each other’s company was all we’d needed, the moments where words and conversation became superfluous because everything between us could be felt even in the silence, I’d realized some things. Despite everything that happened all those years ago, I wouldn’t have changed a moment of the time I spent with him leading up to it. That year changed my life in ways I’d always be thankful for, and I don’t know that it outweighed the pain that followed, but it didn’t have to.

Sometimes pain comes into our lives on the tail of happiness. Doesn’t mean we can’t still be grateful that we got a taste of the good stuff, or that we can’t have moments like those again. At twenty-five those were lessons I was just learning, and I knew I had a lot more to learn. In a lot of ways, despite everything I’d already lived and experienced, it felt like my life was still only just beginning and I didn’t want to spend it bitter, or resentful and regretful.

These were all things that ran through my mind while I showered and prepared to close my eyes on the day, ready for tomorrow, but the night wasn’t over. Not long after I’d flipped the light off in my room and climbed beneath the covers, someone knocked at the door, dragging me from bed. The light in Liz’s room, was off and had been since I got out of the shower. I didn’t hear any sounds coming from behind the door, so I guessed she was already asleep.

I couldn’t imagine why anyone would have a reason to be knocking on the door this late, which meant I had a pretty good idea of who it might be. My heart started beating more erratically with each step, hoping I was wrong.

I wasn’t.

I flipped the porch light on, peeking out the window, and it reflected off the shiny black bike in the drive.

When I nervously opened the door, he stood on the porch, no longer in the board shorts he’d been wearing at the party. At some point he’d tugged on his signature faded jeans and a black hoodie.

“Kellen, what are you doing here?”

“You didn’t really think this was over, did you?”

I knew he meant our conversation, but my mind went back to Liz’s words in the car about how this thing between us wasn’t over.

“This isn’t really the best time. I have an early morning. Liz is sleeping and I was already in bed.”

He shifted on his feet, scrubbing a hand over his jaw. “I know, but we weren’t done. You just walked off before I could process and now I have some questions.”

I sighed, glanced back over my shoulder at the dark, quiet house and then stepped onto the porch, clicking the door shut behind me. I walked over to the swing that hung at one end of the porch. Kellen, instead of sitting next to me, leaned his hip against the rail.

“Can I see it?”

“You already did.”

He held my eyes until I gave in and stood, turning my back to him and lifting my hair. His footsteps sounded on the wooden boards and then I felt him right behind me. I turned my head slightly, trying to watch over my shoulder, but when I felt his rough fingers graze the skin at my back when he reached for the hem of my tank top, I lowered my gaze. As he lifted, I held one arm in front of my chest to keep my front covered as he exposed my back.

I felt his eyes skimming over every inch as if he was using his finger to lightly trace all the lines. And then one finger did brush over the words that followed the flight of the birds almost to my neck.

“Anywhere but here,” he breathed, so close that the warmth of his breath on the back of my neck sent a tingle down my spine. His hand fell away.

“I thought you would have thrown it away, not have it inked on your skin permanently.” He was referring to the original drawing. The one he gave me before either one of us knew how bad things were going to get. The truth was, I had a box full of his drawings I hadn’t been able to throw out. This was only one of them.

“I thought about it. Like I said, it became my heaven and hell, a place I wanted to go back to and forget all at the same time.”