Anywhere But Here (24 page)

He finally dropped my shirt back down and I let my hair fall before I turned into him again.

“But forgetting isn’t possible. So I kept it with me.”

“And the birds?”

The only piece that hadn’t been part of the original. I’d had the artist in New York add them.

“The people I lost. There were two. Derek added the third.”

“Your dad, your grandma, and . . .” He waited for me to fill in the third.

“A boy I loved.”

“Right,” he ducked his chin, diverting his eyes and raking a hand through his hair. “When did you have it done?” His eyes found mine again.

“A little over three years ago. After I completed my counseling and treatment. It was my first time getting ink and it was like another form of therapy.” It was the first thing I did with my first royalty payment from the book.

“I can see you didn’t stop at one.” His eyes raked over my arms, one a watercolor painting of wildflowers covering my left forearm, the other a bright under the sea scene that stretched from my right elbow to shoulder. “It’s good work.”

“Thanks.” Absentmindedly, I rubbed my hand over my left forearm while I struggled for something else to say. Then all of the sudden, something changed in him.

“What happened, Shae? Help me to understand what made you try to take your life? I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since you said those words on the beach, and it’s killing me.”

I looked out over the quiet, dark street, unable to meet his searching gaze. I walked over to lean against the railing, folding my arms across it, and tried to find the words. In the end I couldn’t make myself give him the whole truth, but I found myself mixing parts of it with lies that I knew would be easier for him to accept.

“New York was supposed to be this big adventure. Freedom from my mother, a chance to become anything I wanted and do something great. In reality, it was a big, cold, lonely city and I was lost. Didi scraped together everything she could to get me through that first semester at Columbia, but I couldn’t hack it and had to withdraw. I found a job I hated but paid me enough to survive while I tried to take online classes at a smaller university and I struggled for a year, but I was making it. Then I got in a car wreck and everything changed. Spent a week in the hospital, lost my job, had no insurance for medical bills, no car because that small insurance check wasn’t enough to cover the hospital bills and replace the car. I was messed up from the wreck but didn’t go to physical therapy because I didn’t want more bills. Didi wanted me to come back here, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take the memories. I was stubborn, but not so stubborn that I didn’t call my mom and ask for her help. She said I had to live with the mess I’d created for myself, and that was just it for me. The last thing, and I couldn’t deal, so I took a bunch of pain pills and checked out.

“Woke up two days later in the hospital still in hell, but this time they didn’t just send me home. I was checked into a treatment center and forced into group therapy. I don’t know what Didi did or how she managed to pull together the money, but she took care of my bills, and in group I met Lizzie. It took a long time for me to stop wanting to check out, but once I got there, she and I moved into an apartment together. Life went on, but I was still so angry for everything I’d lost, mostly the life I thought I’d have. I came back here still holding onto all that anger.”

“I noticed.”

“But I’m tired. I’m so tired of it.” I hung my head, letting my eyes fall to the rose bushes that lined the porch.

“I should have been there with you,” he whispered solemnly and I twisted my head to the side to take in his profile. His eyes were fixed ahead but I could tell he was somewhere else in his head.

“Or maybe not. Maybe we weren’t supposed to be anything but what we were, a moment in time that wasn’t meant to last.”

He turned his head to me. “Do you believe that?”

“I don’t know.” I tore my eyes from his. “It’s easier to believe we just weren’t meant to be than to let myself wonder if we had made different choices, if things would have turned out differently.”

“Do you regret it, us?”

Even all the times I blamed and hated him, the answer to that had never been yes, and I think therein lied part of the problem. True loss–that deep, agonizing, gut-wrenching, feels like you can’t breathe, kind of hurt–can only be felt when you’ve truly loved. To not feel that loss would mean closing yourself off to that love, something I could never bring myself to wish for, which only made me want to hate him that much more.

“No. I wish a lot of things were different, but I don’t regret the time I had with you, or who I was when I was with you,” the quiet admission fell from my lips and hung between us before my words faded into the night with no response from Kellen. I couldn’t even bring myself to look over at him after making myself vulnerable to him, something I swore a long time ago I would never do again, but it seemed it wasn’t enough for him. He wanted me to expose more.

“Did you mean it that time you told me when you looked at the future, all you saw was us?”

This time I did turn my head and found his eyes waiting to capture mine. “Why do you think it was so hard to keep going when you weren’t there anymore?”

He was the one to look away, hiding his face from me. I was tired of this give and take where I gave and all he did was take, and I was just plain tired. “It’s late, Kellen, and I don’t know what we’re doing.” I pushed away from the railing. He turned his body into mine.

“There’s something I need to tell you about what happened the night before you left for New York.”

Shae

December 18

Senior year . . .

“Shaeleigh, Mr. Nash, are you ready?”

We both rose from our seats and heads turned to watch us make our way to the front of the classroom. I avoided meeting any eyes and tried to quell the nerves that were making my stomach do somersaults. We knew this scene by heart. We’d practiced it dozens of times in the last few weeks, despite Kellen’s insistence that we could just read from scripts like most of our classmates were opting to do. I didn’t want to read from a piece of paper. It detracted from the scene. So I made him memorize lines, and with no small amount of protesting, he did.

“Shaeleigh and Kellen have chosen
Pride and Prejudice
,” Ms. Renner informed the class and then addressed us, as she had all of the pairs that had already done their presentations. “Tell the class a little about the selection you’re going to be reading, its significance to the story and characters.”

We stood side by side in front of our classmates, the same ones who’d been speculating and gossiping about our relationship since Homecoming. Unfortunately, we hadn’t been able to put the rumors to rest. That may have had something to do with the amount of time we’d spent together since my split with Jeremy, who couldn’t be bothered to hide the scowl on his face.

He’d apologized no less than a hundred times since our little spat outside of gym class and his cruel behavior following. It only took two weeks before he was back to calling me baby and begging for a second chance, making promises and swearing it would be different, only to be let down when I told him in no uncertain terms that we would not be getting back together. After that he was bitter and resentful, but he let me be. Kellen was a different story. Jeremy was more antagonistic than ever toward him, and only grew more so when he wasn’t able to provoke a reaction out of him. I knew Kellen still despised Jeremy, but most of the time acted indifferently toward him.

I had no doubt the escalation in Jeremy’s behavior had a lot to do with how close Kellen and I had gotten and the rumors that said we were even closer than we were. The break-up drama had opened my eyes to a lot, and made me realize how much time I’d wasted on relationships and friendships that were entirely superficial. Kellen gave me something else. He gave me real and honest to the point that sometimes I didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but even then it was better than the popularity games the rest of my so-called friends played. As a result, I stopped playing those games and watched how quickly I became an outsider.

Cammie was the only one who didn’t give a shit even if she didn’t understand what I was doing with Kellen. She’d never played the game like everyone else. She wanted to be liked and be on top, but she didn’t do it by trying to be what everyone wanted her to be, or by being the good, nice girl everyone liked. She made everyone want to be her and be liked by her by acting like a total bitch who took what she wanted and did not give one shit what anyone said about her. I didn’t always agree with her, but I respected her a hell of a lot more than the rest of them and she was the only one I knew wouldn’t talk behind my back. If she had something to say, she said it to my face and then we painted our nails and argued about whether Lucas belonged with Peyton or Brooke on One Tree Hill. For the record, Peyton. He belonged with Peyton. The fact that Cammie was my best friend was the only reason I forgave her misguided opinion that he should be with Brooke.

Really that should have told me a lot.

Kellen gave me a gentle nudge with his elbow. Ms. Renner and the rest of the class were waiting expectantly and I’d just been standing here awkwardly. Kellen and I agreed it would be better if I did the intro since I was more passionate about the story and less likely to say something inappropriate that would get our grade docked.

I cleared my throat, “The scene we’re doing is somewhat the turning point of the book. It takes place between the two main protagonists, Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy. Despite the differences in their position–Mr. Darcy is quite wealthy and prominent while Elizabeth is very much a commoner in the Regency era–Mr. Darcy attempts to propose marriage to Elizabeth, who at this point has been quick to judge Darcy harshly since he wounded her pride quite early in the story. I think the scene really captures the essence of the title and the character flaws they both must overcome.”

My eyes quickly flitted to Ms. Renner who gave a slight approving nod and then I turned to Kellen. “You ready?” I asked softly.

“Of course, Miss Bennett.” He winked and then drew himself into character. “In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

There was something different about this time than all the other times we rehearsed it. He wasn’t goofing off or being cheesy now. I felt a blush creep over my cheeks as I delivered my line of rejection not quite as effortlessly as he had delivered his, but then as he shot back his retort, I started to really get into it, drawing on Elizabeth’s stubborn nature, and quick, fiery temper.

“I might as well inquire, why with so evident a design of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me
against
your will, against your reason, and even against your character? . . .” I went off on him and watched as he bit back a grin and tried to remain in character. We went back and forth and it felt like a real argument until we were both near yelling at each other and then he moved into his final rant that would lead to me delivering the last blow.

“ . . . Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? To congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?”

I channeled the proper level of indignation and let him have it, executing the lines in a way I hoped Jane Austen would be proud. “. . . and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the
last
man in the world whom I could
ever
be prevailed upon to marry.”

Kellen had one more parting line that should have ended the scene, but there was this look in his eye and before I could even catch my breath after unleashing my inner spitfire, his lips came down hard on mine. My lips parted in shock and he took full advantage, sliding a hand over my cheek, back into my hair and holding me tighter to him while he stole the air from my lungs, sweeping his tongue into my mouth where it met, and to my surprise, tangled with mine as I became an active participant in the kiss. My mind didn’t even have time to process what was happening, or why I felt like I’d never been kissed in my whole life until the moment his lips touched mine, before he tore his mouth away almost as if the kiss burned him.

Eyes still locked together, I stared at him and breathlessly murmured, “I don’t remember that being part of the scene.”

The intense look on his face softened into something else and he let out a soft chuckle, brushing a hand over his hair and ducking his eyes. That’s when the rest of the world came crashing back into our moment. I heard the resounding chuckles and whispers of our classmates followed by a quick reprimand from Ms. Renner.

“Mr. Nash, Miss Bradford, thank you for your presentation, but next time if you could refrain from violating school policies on public displays of affection, it would save me the trouble of writing the two of you up.”

“Sorry, it won’t happen again,” he mumbled and then the bell dismissed the class. Everyone scrambled out of their seats. Even Kellen rushed to the back of the classroom and retrieved his bag. He hurried out the door while I still stood there, beginning to feel very foolish, and very confused.

I turned to Ms. Renner. “Are you really going to write us up?”

“I’ll call it a case of getting swept up in the moment. You two delivered quite the believable dialogue there, Miss Bradford. Your grades will reflect accordingly. Enjoy your Christmas break, Shaeleigh, and I’ll see you back in class after the New Year. I’ll look forward to reading your journal entries then.”

“Thank you Ms. Renner, enjoy your break too.” I grabbed my stuff and slipped from the classroom, wondering why and where Kellen took off in such a hurry, only to come face to face with Jeremy waiting for me, a look of betrayal on his face.

“That looked like a lot more than just friends to me.”

I stopped. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t owe him any sort of explanation, not that I even had one, but he looked genuinely hurt. “Jeremy . . .”

“Save it. It’s whatever. I hope you’re happy, but he’s all wrong for you, Shaeleigh. A guy like Nash will never be able to give you what you want.”

“Like you did?” I retorted.

“I know. I fucked up, but I do actually give a shit, even if you don’t believe me. He’s just going to use you up.” He adjusted his backpack over one shoulder and then turned to leave.

“Jeremy,” he glanced back over his shoulder. “For what it’s worth, even though you don’t deserve an explanation, there really isn’t, or wasn’t anything going on with us. I don’t know what that was back there.”

“Quit lying to yourself and me. You know exactly what it was. It’s been there between you two all along, whether you want to admit it or not. So which one of us is worse? I physically cheated, but there were no feelings involved in it. You were the only one I wanted. Can you say the same?” He walked away without waiting for an answer.

Since it was the last day of the semester, we were on a half-day schedule and school was out for winter break. I went to my locker, searching the halls, hoping to see Kellen waiting for me like he’d taken to doing on days he didn’t have to work. We’d make plans to hang out after cheer practice while he waited for his sister to quit talking with her friends, and then he would take her home and wait for me to get out of practice. Up ‘til now, the project was always our guise for spending time together, even on the days we just hung out in the den at my house where I tried to turn him into  a Tree Hill Ravens fan and he pretended not to love it. Now the project was over and we no longer had that excuse to use.

For weeks I’d been trying not to think about it, and just going along with the hope that nothing would change and I’d still get those “What’s up?” texts from him when practice let out, to which I’d reply. “Just leaving practice. You coming over to work on the project?” Of course I’d have to start leaving off that last part. His response would always be, “On my way.”

He’d pull into my drive within minutes of me getting home. If Mom was home, we’d just ignore her glacial looks and go straight to my room or the den, and if it was a lucky night where she was out, sometimes we’d got out to the pool and hot tub if the sky was clear, and other times we still went to my room or the den. I’d gotten used to having him in my house. I hadn’t been back to his since Homecoming night. He hadn’t invited and I wasn’t about to invite myself, even though I’d tried to make it clear that I didn’t have a problem with where he lived. I think he did though.

Now, I wasn’t even sure that it would matter. Whatever happened back there in class had freaked him out, enough that he bolted without even waiting to talk to me. I got my things from my locker, prepared to just go home since there was no practice over the break. Cammie cornered me before I could make it out of the school.

“What am I hearing about you making out with Nash in English class, you ho bag?”

“We didn’t make out, he just sort of kissed me after we did our scene,” I mumbled, slamming my locker shut.

“I heard it was hot.”

It was. My face heated once again just thinking about his mouth on mine, regardless of how brief it had been.

“It wasn’t a big deal,” I tried to brush it off.

“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit. Your red face right now tells me otherwise.”

“Fine, I don’t think it was a big deal to him,” I admitted on a sigh.

She stopped, faced me fully and arched her brow. “But you want it to be a big deal? Are you planning on hooking up with him? Wait, have you already?”

“No,” I retorted. “I would have told you if I had, and no I don’t plan to. You know that’s not how I am.”

“Yeah, I do, which is why I’m confused about the look on your face. Clearly you want that kiss to be something, but I’m telling you right now, you pursue it with him, the only place it’s leading is to his bed and then you crying on my shoulder when he says
thanks
followed by
see ya around
, and you know I’m speaking from experience.”

The reminder jabbed at the thing in my chest that had been acting funny since Kellen kissed me.

“I know,” I clipped out, angrier than I should have been.

She picked up on it. “Hey, I’m just trying to help you avoid another broken heart, but if you want to go for it, by all means, go for it. Don’t let me stop you.”

I let out a frustrated breath. “I’m not going to hook up with him, and I know you’re only trying to have my back, but I’m just tired of everyone telling me he’s only trying to use me.”

“Maybe because you’re the only one who doesn’t think he is,” she snipped.

“Then let’s just drop it if we’re not going to agree. Haven’t we already learned it’s better if we just avoid this topic?”