ARC: Essence (24 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Wind whipped through my hair as Rex, Ryder and I bounced along a trail that bypassed the collapsed Wawona Tunnel. We were headed straight for Taft Point, along the twisting south side of the park’s road system, and the night was so black, I could barely see the sky above our heads.

“She’s not walking at night, you know. She needs to rest. Not taking a step until dawn.” Ryder sat crouched in the seat behind me. Through the cracks between the seats, he secretly gripped my hand.

My thoughts were such a cacophony of dissonance that I couldn’t make sense of them. Rex had planned to kill me. Or drug me and send me to Camp Four. But now he was going to make me walk Taft Point instead. And Ryder loved me.

I couldn’t decide how I felt about that, but I knew I wouldn’t be sitting here without Ryder’s intervention. And I knew the warmth of his hand settled me some. He hadn’t told me about Camp Four, but he’d stood up for me, too.

This was as far as I allowed myself to get, because I had bigger concerns: I had never walked Taft Point before. Not even with a safety line.

Although my vertigo had begun to lessen, it still came and went without warning. And those bouts of it – those swirling, dizzy moments where I couldn’t even stay on my feet… Those were absolutely crippling.

My fear of heights didn’t help. There were times when even sitting near the edge of the Taft Point cliff became too much for me. It had become a bit of a running joke – those instances when I had to stop cheering for the boys and move away from the highline – but the reality was anything but reassuring.

Rex will let me use a safety line, right? He can’t possibly expect me to walk without one.

Two days ago, I would have answered that question without hesitation. But now… Now I wasn’t sure about anything. Particularly not Rex’s sense of forgiveness.

The sky was still dark when we finally made it to Taft Point. It was a few hours before dawn, so Rex informed me I could nap if I liked. He even procured a military blanket from the back of the Jeep for me.

I was struck by the inconsistency of this generosity. He’ll give me a blanket when I’m cold, but he’ll also drug me or shoot me if he needs to?

I wandered away from the parked Jeep and laid my blanket out beside a boulder. I considered tearing away into the wilderness or starting down the trail to the Valley, but what good would that do? Rex would find me – probably within a few minutes – and I had a feeling I was never going to get a better deal than the one he was already offering me.

Ryder initially stayed with his father, but I heard him approach an hour or so later. His footsteps were soft, and his voice was tentative when he whispered, “Red?”

I considered pretending to be asleep, but I knew Ryder was the only ally I had. So even though my feelings toward him were confusing, I only hesitated for a moment before answering, “I’m here.”

“I brought you something.” He extended his hand. “Money. Nicked it from my old man. Enough to get you started when you get back to civilization. And this.” He pressed a silver locket into my hand. “I couldn’t get back to your room – couldn’t get your pendant – but I know it reminds you of your family. So take mine. And pretend it’s yours, OK?”

I turned the locket in my hands. The Centrist motto was carved on the outside, but a photograph of a woman and a little baby was tucked inside. A blond woman. Ryder’s mother.

“I didn’t know you had this.”

“No one does.” He shrugged. “I used to follow her around sometimes, but I never talked to her. Rex forbade it – said she’d blow the cover on our whole operation. So I stayed away. And I watched her. One day, she dropped this.”

“Is that you?”

“Not sure.” He studied it. “Could be me. Could be one of her other kids. But that’s definitely her, and I probably look at this thing ten times a day.”

“Why didn’t you ever talk to her?”

Ryder sighed. “Rex made a choice when he brought me out here. And I made a choice when I came with him.”

“But Ryder, you were
two years old
when he took you from the city. How could you have possibly protested?”

“Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, cept the loyalties you choose.” He paused. “I screwed up, Red. I should have never brought you here. I get that now, but I swear I didn’t know Daniel was killing people on our borders. I didn’t know you weren’t allowed to leave.”

“But you knew about Camp Four.”

“I did.” He sighed. “But when my old man explained it to me, it made sense. He wasn’t purposefully hurting anyone, you know? He was just treating people there, was just letting everyone believe the thing they wanted to believe anyway: we’re all invincible out here.”

“But we aren’t.”

“I know. And it’s wrong. I see that now, but it’s too late.”

I closed the locket. “You could leave too, you know.”

He shook his head. “I can’t. What kind of person would I be if I did?”

“What kind of father would expect you to stay?”

Ryder lowered his eyes. “Rex… has noble intentions. Wants to do the right thing out here.”

“But what good is that if he’s doing the wrong thing to get there?”

Ryder’s expression became pained. “This is so messed up right now, Red. I know it is, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am about it.” He shook his head. “That doesn’t mean shit – I know it doesn’t – but I promise I’ll get you a safety line. So even if you fall… My old man just wants your readings – wants to scare you a little, I think – but I swear on my life I’ll make this safe for you. It’ll be just like the Yosemite Falls walk.”

I nodded.

“And… I love you. What I said back there… I want you to know I meant it.”

“Then come away with me.” Before I knew it, tears were clouding my eyes. “If you love me, you’ll leave this place and come with me.”

His eyes clouded as well. “I can’t,” he said, pulling me into his arms. “I’m sorry, Red, but I just can’t.”

“Why not?” I wanted to be mad at him, but there was no time for that. Instead, I found myself sobbing against his chest. “But I love you, too. I don’t want to have to forget about you.”

My ache was immense. It spread from my heart down through my limbs, and it sank so deep inside me that I couldn’t imagine my life without Ryder in it. His arms tightened around me, and I think he may have been crying, too. It was impossible to tell, because my body was so wracked with sobs that it took everything in him to hold me steady.

“I don’t know where I’m gonna go,” I finally said.

The reality of this crippled me, but even more than that, I realized I needed to tell him something. “Mono Lake. They went to Mono Lake.”

“Then that’s where you need to go.” Ryder picked up a stick and began sketching a map in the dirt. “It’s hard to get there from here. You should turn around and head back to the Valley. I’ll make sure you get a horse, maybe even a car. Supplies – a few days’ worth, at least.” He paused. “And I’ll make sure Daniel doesn’t follow you; I’ll escort you out myself. Make sure you’re safe, make sure you find them…”

Tears began rolling down my cheeks again. “But Ryder… I don’t want to lose you.”

As he pulled me to his chest, his answer was strangled. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”

I slept fitfully. My dreams were haunted by gunshots and vertigo, and even Ryder’s arms couldn’t comfort me. Instead of sleeping, I found myself memorizing every single detail about him. The feeling of his warmth as he lay behind me, the sound of his breathing, his suntanned skin and the freckles that spread across his forearms.

I thought of his laugh, of the sleepy way he always stole the blankets, and I was overcome by so much grief that it was hard to stop myself from breaking down again. It was only the pressure of his hand against my ribcage that kept me from losing it.

He chewed his fingernails right down to the quick, and a scar stretched around the curl of his right thumb. A tree-climbing accident, he’d told me one day while we sunned like lizards on the banks of the Merced.

Everything had seemed so hopeful then, so sunny and innocent that even my memories were clouded by golden light. But he’d known about Camp Four then, and Daniel was already killing deserters on our borders.

If I’d known then what I knew now, would I still have come away from the city? Would I still have left my family and the Movement and everything I’d ever known? Would I still have taken risks, conquered fears and slept under the stars? Would I still have fallen in love with him?

I didn’t have much time to think about it. Just as I began to finally sink into sleep, wisps of gray began lightening the eastern horizon. Before I knew it, it was a chilly, early dawn.

Rex woke us by tapping Ryder’s boot. Ryder started and rolled backward, and Rex must have still thought I was still sleeping, because he said, “Did she tell you where the deserters are?”

I froze, but Ryder’s response was immediate: “Yes, sir. Confirmed they went to Fresno.”

A pause. “Think you can trust her?”

“With my life, sir.”

“Very well. If she tells anyone what we’re doing out here…”

“She won’t. Knows how much we have to lose.”

“That’s what worries me.” Rex’s footsteps crunched as he paced around the clearing. “How soon can she walk?”

“Soon. But just so you know, we’re using a safety line today.”

“We are?”

“She’s never made this walk before.”

A pause. “Very well. I just need some strong readings from her. I won’t let her slip away without doing her part.”

Ryder nodded. “You’ll get them.”

The highline looked like a string stretched across the top of the world. As Ryder double-checked the straps of my climbing harness, I realized I had grossly underestimated my fear of heights.

How could anyone possibly walk this without a safety line?

The Taft Point route stretched in the gap between two cliffs – a horseshoe of space that allowed Ryder to very quickly hike back and forth between sides, inspecting gear. The cliffs were gaping, and they opened to a narrow stretch of nothingness that was more than three thousand feet from top to bottom. The height was dizzying – incomprehensible even without a head injury – and the expanse of sky below us made my eyes play tricks on me. The dim stillness of the Valley floor seemed to be moving away from me, and the cliff walls stretched and bent as the sun worked its way over the horizon.

I imagined the granite shifting under my feet, and I was struck by the similarities between this and the way I’d felt inside the Wawona Tunnel. Neither extreme was healthy – too much space had the same effect on me as too little. Both made me feel small and insignificant, as vulnerable and defenseless as a child.

“See this ring?” Ryder pointed to the large steel ring attached to the other end of my safety line. The webbing ran through its opening, and it slid back and forth when he touched it. “Step over it when you start walking, and your line will drag it along the webbing behind you.”

I nodded.

“The most dangerous place to fall is right at the beginning or the end, because you could swing around and smack into the cliffs. But if you fall in the middle, you’ll have nothing to hit but air.”

He tried to look reassuring. “If you feel yourself falling, try to catch the line with your hands. Otherwise, you’ll bounce around and it may be harder to reach. But if you can’t grab the line, don’t fight it. The harness’ll catch you, and you can sort out your balance once you stop bouncing.”

I nodded. What I really wanted to do was turn around and run, but it was too late to leave now. Rex was waiting just behind me, and he had already double-checked my heart monitor to make sure it wouldn’t malfunction during my walk.

“You understand why I need you to do this, don’t you?” Rex had said. “We have worked too hard to simply let you walk away.”

I didn’t bother to respond. I had glimpsed into his soul – deep beneath his handsome face and cool, blue eyes – and all I had seen was greed.

Unlike Ryder, I didn’t believe in greed for the right reasons.

What I saw in Ryder’s eyes was harder to quantify. Grief, fear and remorse, mostly. These emotions were tempered by resignation, but they were sometimes overpowering – like when he tightened my safety line and whispered, “I’ll be waiting for you on the other side, Red. You can do this. And even if you can’t, I’ll still be there to catch you. OK?”

Catch me. The idea sounded hollow now – its promise marred by its reality. But I knew Ryder was doing everything he could for me, so I simply squeezed his hands and waited for him to take his place on the far side of the cliff.

As he walked away, I felt Rex creep up behind me. “Godspeed,” he whispered, laying his hand on my shoulder.

His presence startled me. I could feel the heat of his hand as it burned into my skin, but it wasn’t comforting heat. It was too strong, like a flame, and I felt it creeping inside me and attaching itself to my fear.

I shrugged myself free and took a step toward the cliff. Here goes nothing.