Awake and Dreaming (16 page)

“She's a graphic artist,” said Theo. “She paints wonderful cards of dressed-up animals and kids playing.”

“Did she show them to you?”

“Uh huh.” Theo flushed. Was that a lie? Laura
had
shown them to her—but not yesterday. She went to get ready for church before Sharon could ask her more.

“W
HAT A GREAT OLD HOUSE
,” said Sharon as they walked up the Kaldors' steps after lunch. Theo stood silently in the hall as Sharon met the rest of the family. She barely heard her aunt's goodbye as she drank them in. She was
home
.

“We're glad you could come, Theo,” said Laura. “The girls begged to see you again. I hope you're feeling better now.”

Theo knew she couldn't call her “Mum”—not yet, not until she'd figured out how to make them remember her. But she gave Laura a huge smile. “I feel
great,
” she assured her.

But right away, things began to go wrong. “Come and see our room,” said Lisbeth. She pulled Theo up the stairs, Anna following.

Theo trembled as she stared at the familiar, messy space. But her bed and dresser weren't there. She opened her mouth to remind them that she'd once slept here. But she couldn't get out the words, as Anna and Lisbeth competed to show her things.

“This is Heather, my best doll.” Lisbeth put the red-haired doll in Theo's arms and Theo hugged the familiar shape for comfort.

“That's my favourite hockey player,” said Anna, pointing to the poster by her bed.

“I
know,
” Theo began, “I—”

“—Oh, do you like him, too?” asked Anna.

“This is my eraser collection,” said Lisbeth. She pulled down a box from the top of the bookshelf and knocked off a china horse.

“Lisbeth!” Anna picked up the horse. Its leg was missing. “Look what you've done, you stupid klutz! You're an idiot!” She punched Lisbeth's shoulder.

Lisbeth started a high-pitched, whining wail. “Owww! You hurt me! You're not supposed to hit me, Anna! And Daddy said you're not supposed to call me an idiot!”

“Then you're a—a person of low intelligence! You broke my favourite horse! I'm telling!” Anna ran out of the room.

Theo stood there in bewilderment while Lisbeth continued to cry. The two of them had never hit each other or spoken to each other so meanly …
before
.

Laura came into the room, followed by Anna. “Stop that awful noise, Lisbeth! Tell me how Anna's horse got broken.”

“It was an
accident,
” cried Lisbeth. “It fell off the shelf!”

“She's a dingle-brain!” fumed Anna.

“I am not!” Lisbeth shoved her sister.

“That's enough!” Laura's voice was stern. “I don't want to hear another word! How can you be so rude when you have a guest? If you don't stop arguing this minute, Theo will have to go home. Do you understand?”

They both sniffed and nodded.

“That's better. I'm sure I can mend the horse. Help me find the leg.” They all got down on the floor and Laura found it under the bookshelf.

Anna looked embarrassed after Laura took the horse downstairs to glue it. “Sorry, Theo. It's just that Lisbeth's such an—”

“If you say that word I'll
scream
. Then Mum will come up again,” warned Lisbeth.

Theo watched each of them pull back her anger. Before, they had seemed so close. Didn't they like each other any more?

“Theo, come and see
my
room,” called Ben from the hall. Theo was glad to get away from the feud. She followed him into his familiar, smelly room. “Where's your iguana?” she asked him fondly.

Ben looked puzzled. “What's a gwana?”

“You know—you used to have an iguana called Mortimer. You fed him flies and bees and kept him in a cage. Sometimes you and I took him for a walk in the cemetery, remember?”

Ben stared. “You're
silly
!” He ran into the girls' room. “Theo's silly! She's making things up about me!”

“Don't be rude, Ben,” said Anna crossly. “Theo can say anything she likes. You're the one who's silly. You're always pretending things, so why can't she?”

“I'm
not
silly!” shouted Ben. “I don't like you and I don't like Theo!” He ran out, slamming their door.

Theo's eyelids pricked. How could he say that? Sweet Ben, whom she'd spent so many happy times with before …

“Do you want to go outside, Theo?” asked Anna. Lisbeth followed them, but she was sulking so much she'd stopped speaking.

The three of them climbed up the mountain, ran along the beach and explored the cemetery. Every time Anna told her about something, Theo wanted to say she had been here before. But the longer she put it off, the harder it was to begin.

Lisbeth was so silent Theo wondered if she was mad at her as well. But when they finally rested on the grass underneath the angel, Lisbeth asked Theo a question. “Why do you live with your aunt instead of your parents?”

“Don't pry, Lisbeth,” said Anna, but she looked curious, too.

They had never asked her questions before. Theo took a deep breath; she may as well tell them. “I used to live in Vancouver with my mother,” she began, “but she lives with her boyfriend now and he doesn't want me, so I came over here to live with my aunt.”

“That must have been really hard,” said Anna.

“Are you going to stay living here?” Lisbeth asked.

“I don't know,” said Theo. “Nobody says.”

There was an awkward silence. Theo squirmed at the girls' pity. She could tell they thought she was strange.

Before,
she had never felt this uncomfortable. Then they had just accepted her, with no questions about her past. Then she had been their sister. That was getting harder and harder to believe.

Finally Lisbeth spoke. “
I've
been to Vancouver—lots and lots of times. We go on the ferry to visit Grannie and Gramps. They live on the North Shore. It's really pretty there. Was it pretty where you lived, Theo?”

Theo shook her head. “No. It was all grey. Not like here.”

She was thinking of what Lisbeth had just said. “Do you like going on the ferry?” she asked carefully.

“Oh, yes!” said Lisbeth. “We run up and down the deck and pretend to fly in the wind.”

“I like the way all the kids play at the front of the lounge,” said Anna. “We always meet new people there.”

Theo shivered inside. “Did you—did you go on the ferry in February?” Her voice was so low she had to repeat her question.

“February? No, we haven't been to Vancouver since Christmas, but we're going for Easter,” said Anna.

“Oh.” It was too much to hope for. She
knew
they'd been on the ferry; she knew how they pretended to fly and played in the lounge. But they didn't remember.

And there was no point in telling them, because they weren't the same. They acted as if they had just met her yesterday. They already thought she was strange; they would think she was even stranger if she told them she'd once lived with them. They'd never believe her.

Had
she lived with them? Of course she had! How else could she know them so well? But that magic time seemed more and more distant as the afternoon went on.

B
EFORE DINNER
Theo sat in the den with the others and watched TV. Ben still gave her insulted glances. Anna and Lisbeth still muttered to each other when their parents were out of the room.

“John!” Dan came to the door. “Why haven't you taken out the garbage?”

“I forgot,” mumbled John.

“This is the third time you've forgotten this week! I'm tired of reminding you. There'll be no allowance for you this Saturday.”

“No allowance!” cried John. “But I wanted to get some new tapes!”

“That's too bad,” said Dan. “Maybe this will teach you to remember. Now get going on that garbage!” Theo had never heard his voice sound so harsh.

John stomped out of the room. He hadn't spoken to Theo since his curt hello—as if she were only a friend of his sisters. She couldn't believe he was the same John who had taught her so patiently how to ride a bike.

Only Bingo and Beardsley treated her the same. Beardsley rubbed against her legs, his throat rumbling, and Bingo followed Theo around all afternoon, as if he were overjoyed that she was back.

“Bingo sure seems to like you,” said Lisbeth.

“Just push him away if he's a nuisance,” said Anna.

“It's okay.” Theo buried her head in Bingo's soft neck and sniffed up his yeasty smell. She was beginning to long for the day to end, so she could go back to Sharon's and cry.

A
T DINNER
all the Kaldors' bad moods came together in one noisy complaint.

“I don't want to sit beside Theo!” said Ben.

“Behave yourself, Ben—what will Theo think of you?” Laura made him stay in his place, but he kicked at Theo's foot all through the meal.

“Someone has been at my books again,” said Dan. “I found two lying on the floor in the den. I've told you again and again to put them back when you've finished with them.”

John glowered at his father. “Don't look at
me
.”

“It was probably Lisbeth,” said Anna.

“It wasn't!” squealed Lisbeth. “I can't even read those thick books!”

“Okay, simmer down,” said Dan. “But it's got to be someone in this family who keeps leaving them around—who else could it be?”

“Dan, for heaven's sake stop fussing!” said Laura. “It's probably you who left them there—you've just forgotten.”

“It's
not
me!” Dan's voice sounded just as aggrieved as Lisbeth's. “All I ask is—”

“Dad,
please
change your mind about my allowance.”

“Mummy, Anna won't pass me the pickles and I've asked her three times!”

“I don't like this fish. Pirates don't
eat
fish.”

“Shush!” Laura raised her hand. “
Everyone
shush!” She looked around at the sulky family and sighed. “I'm sorry, Theo, I don't know what you must think of us. You've come on a bad day. We're not always like this.”

You were
never
like this before, thought Theo miserably.

“Will you come again?” asked Anna, after Sharon arrived. “Can you come on Saturday for the whole day?”

Sharon turned around from admiring one of Laura's paintings in the hall. “She'd love to, wouldn't you, Theo?” Theo couldn't answer.

“They're so
nice
!” said Sharon on the way home. “Their house has such pretty things in it and Dan and Laura are so interesting. I think the kids will be good friends for you. I hope you don't mind that I said you wanted to go back.”

Theo wondered if she minded. The Kaldors had been such a disappointment. Yet something in her still couldn't resist them. At least, when she was there, she could re-live the other time.

“What's the matter?” The light was red and Sharon turned to look at Theo. “You seem so sad. Didn't you have a good time?”

Theo tried to sound more cheerful. “I'm okay. Just tired.”

“It's a good thing you're having that check-up tomorrow,” said Sharon. “But I'm not surprised you're tired. You're not used to a large lively family, after boring me! You don't have to be friends with them. But why not give them one more try?”

“I don't care,” shrugged Theo.

16

T
heo stood in the hall and clenched her fists as Anna and Lisbeth clattered down the stairs to greet her. All week the real Kaldors and the magic Kaldors had clashed in her mind. Maybe on this visit the family would be the perfect one she had known.

At least they were in better moods today. Anna only called Lisbeth an idiot once and John even asked Theo how she was. Ben had forgotten his anger; he showed Theo his new plastic dinosaurs. Anna's face was tender as she braided Lisbeth's hair and Dan hugged John after he played his new piece for them. To Theo's relief their best selves—the only selves Theo had known before—still existed.

There was even a moment before lunch that came close to the bliss she had once experienced here. Dan had made pizza dough and everyone was creating his or her own pizza from the ingredients he'd arranged on the kitchen table. Arms got tangled as they reached for green peppers and cheese and onions. As John helped Ben cut a piece of salami into a smile, Lisbeth and Laura began singing “Aiken Drum.”

“‘And his mouth was made of pizza, pizza, pizza,'” they all yelled. Theo joined in and they smiled at her. She
had sung this with them before, in the car on the way back from skiing. While the song lasted, she was back—back in that time when she'd really belonged.

But as the day went on, Theo began to realize she could never really belong. The magic was over—only the real Kaldors remained. In the real family that moment of perfect harmony in the kitchen rarely came. Someone was always out of kilter and complaining or arguing or moody.

And now Theo was an outsider. John and Anna didn't protect her, Lisbeth and Ben didn't adore her, and Laura and Dad didn't hug or kiss her. Often someone referred to a person or an incident Theo didn't know about.

And now they asked her questions—uncomfortable questions.

“What does your mother do?” Anna wanted to know, as she and Theo and Lisbeth sat on top of the mountain after lunch.

“She's a waitress.”

“Where's your dad?” asked Lisbeth.

Theo squirmed. “I don't know. He lives in Greece, but I've never met him.”

“Never met him!” Lisbeth looked shocked. “Poor Theo!”

“That's not unusual, Lis,” said Anna. “Theo's parents probably got divorced when she was a baby, like Ashley Forster's. He must have met you when you were younger, Theo—you just don't remember. Maybe you can visit him one day. That would be wonderful, going to Greece!”