Away From the Spotlight (74 page)

We subsequently h
eld
a
similarly
large
m
emorial
s
ervice in England. 
I worried that Will’s family would blame me for keeping
Will
in the U.S. where such a tragedy could occur.  Will’s mother made a particular point of trying to relieve my guilt on that issue.  Although my guilt would never be completely
abated
, I did feel better after the talk. 
The only
other thing
I recall about attending the
m
emorial
s
ervice in England was how painful it was to stay in our flat in Hampstead, each memory of
my time there with Will
hitting me like a slap in the face.

Shortly after
my return from England,
I
miscarr
ied
.
  I
first
had to bear the grief of losing
my husband
and
then I had to bear the
additional
gri
ef of losing my unborn child. 
The
doctors informed me that
a miscarriage
in the first trimester w
as
common and more likely due to some abnormality of the fetus than anything else
.  Nevertheless
, I still blamed my circumstances for my miscarriage and also myself for becoming so traumatized, thereby placing my unborn child in peril.

I became depressed, but did my best to hide it from William.  However, I started dropping weight rapidly as my appetite had vanished.  My parents visited regularly for a while after Will’s death and my mother finally insisted I see a doctor about it.  Not surprisingly, I was prescribed anti-depression medication and referred to a grief counselor.  Between the medication, the counseling and the support of my friends and family, I managed to get by one painful
,
grief-filled
day at a time.

Paparazzi followed me everywhere for quite a while, trying to get shots of the grieving widow and son.  In light of the fact that it was
a
p
hotographer who
killed Will, I did not take it well.  I hired bodyguards and tried to stay out of the public eye as much as possible.

William and I remained in the house in the Palisades.  I kept the flat in Hampstead, put a good deal of money in trust for William, and provided
for
Will's parents and sisters.  I then placed
some of
Will’s assets into a charitable foundation in Will's name.

After a few months,
I procee
de
d to channel my grief into
heading up
th
e
charitable foundation.  No more running on the legal profession treadmill anymore.  I quit the firm, never return
ing
from my leave of absence.  I was able to take the communication and organizational skills I had gained in the legal profession and put them to good use.  I wanted to
en
sure
something
good came of Will's death.

L
arge sums of money
pour
ed
in
to the foundation
from grieving friends and fans.  I
made
sure that
the income from this money was well-spent. 
We also had many individuals willing to volunteer their time to help out in any way they could.
  Katherine Sullivan was
of
particular help when it came to
further
fundraising
efforts
and events where we needed media attention.

We lobbied for stronger enforcement and penalties against paparazzi for privacy violations and endangering their victims
,
and for the liability of the
tabloids that pu
blished
photos
and video
obtained
from paparazzi who crossed the line. 
Later, we began to p
rovide for families in need that had suffered tragedy as the result of d
runk-
driving accidents.
We
eventually
branched out into other areas, donating to a vast number of good c
auses over the years.

My work
at the foundation
g
ave
my life meaning when I didn't know how I would manage to go on after Will's death.
 
Meaning also came from raising Will
iam.  K
nowing that I had to take care of William initially got me through the bad times.  No matter how much I didn't want to live for me anymore, I knew that I had to live for William.  I owed that to Will.

The other thing that
lifted
me from utter
despair
was that, in my dreams, I was able to live another life, one where it was just Will and me and we were happy
together
. 
N
ot long after Will's death, I started to have vivid dreams every night.  W
ill and I
would spend time
together
at the various places we had
lived or visited
when he was alive
.
Each night, Will would ask me where I
wanted to go.  I would answer, “
the cruise on the Thames,
”
“
the hotel where we were engaged
,”
“
the house in the Palisades,
”
“the Four Seasons in Las Vegas” or some other place that had been special for us, and we would go there.  We would make love
,
and talk about my l
ife and how William was doing.

Despite the fact that I was working full-time for Will’s charitable foundation, I still kept in touch with
most of Will’s and my friends, including my friends from my old
law
firm. 
Max
, Daniel and John were
, by this time,
all married and had kids, some of wh
om
w
ere around William
’s age
.

About three years after Will’s death, William and I attended
the
fifth
birthday party for Daniel’s oldest daughter, who was about
two years
younger than William.
  When we walked in the door and William saw all the princess décor, he made a face at me.

“I’m sure there are boys around here somewhere.  Go find them.” 

William ran off toward the backyard where most of the party guests
had congregated
.  I followed him
and caught up with
Max
, who was there with his twin
eight
-year-old daughters. 
Max’s
wife, Colleen, was pregnant, and had stayed at home
that day
since
she was still in the
morning, noon and night
sick
ness
phase of the first trimester.

“Where are John and Ashley?
” I asked
after I had greeted
Max
.
 

“Joh
n will be here with Jack soon.”

I thought
that
it was strange that
Max
hadn’t mentioned Ashley.  Usually, whenever I was around,
John and Ashley
came together as a matched set. 
“What about Ashley?”

“I think I’ll
let
John
tell you himself,” he said ominously.
 
“
Here he is.”

John escorted his son, who was only a few months younger than William, to the area where all the
boys
were playing,
including my William
.  He
then approached
Max
and me
. 
After greeting John,
Max
left to
check on his daughte
rs who appeared to be arguing.

“Where’s Ashley?” I asked
as I hugged John,
cu
rious now after
Max
’s comment.

“Not coming.”
  He wouldn’t look at me.

“I hope nothing’s wrong.”
I thought
that perhaps
Ashley was sick and
I
started to worry a little.

“Well, I think we’re finally getting a divorce
,
”
John said
solemn
ly
.

I said with surprise,
“I d
idn’t know anything was wrong.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to tell
you
, was I?”

“Why not?  Aren’t we good friends?”
I asked in confusion.

“Yes, but I didn’t want you to think i
t had anything to do with you.”

Now he had completely lost me. 
“Why would I?”

“Because, after all these years, you must know that I’m still in love with you
,
”
he said quietly and without looking at me.

My eyes went wide. 
No,
I had no idea.
 
John and Ashley
had
reconciled and
married about a year after Will and I
married
and
ha
d
been married for about
eight
years. 
Why would that give me any indication that
John
was still in love with me?

I tried to change the subject back to Ashley, although I was completely floored by John’s statement.  “Weren
’t you in love with your wife?”

“
Yes, but n
ot enough
,
apparently. 
Ashley
said she wanted someone who loved only her so she found someone
else
.”

“
Y
ou
’ve
been
married to her for
eight
years and ha
ve
a son
together
.  How can she say that?”

“It’s an excuse, probably.  She
was
n
’
t wrong
in saying that I didn’t love only her
, but there
was
no way she could know that.  I think she always thought she was settling for me
just
as I had always thought
, but didn’t verbalize,
that
I had settled for her.  She just finally
found someone better I guess.”

“
You’re saying you both settled for each other?  That doesn’t sound like a recipe for a happy marriage.
”

“
I know, but I tried to be a good husband and a good father.  It just wasn’t enough.  What else could I have done?  You’ve been unavailable
.  You
’ve
made it quite clear that you don’t want anyone but Will.  Look at you,
more than three years have gone by
and you’re still not dating
at all.”

John’s words made m
e
uncomfortable and defensive. 
“I don’t want anyone else.  I’m just living
my life for William right now.”

“Exactly.  When are you going to realize that, at some point, you’re going to have to live your life for
you
? 
I’m not saying you have to choose me, but you should start choosing life instead of living vicariously through your son.  It’s not good
for him to see you doing that.”

“Point taken.  What do you suggest I do?”
  I looked down
, feeling a little helpless
.

Max
looked over at us
at this point
, but
,
as we appeared to be engaged in an intense conversation, he walked in the
other direction toward Daniel and Daniel’s wife, Suz
ie
.

“Why don’t
you
start simply?  Our boys are the same age.  Why don’t we go out for dinner, the four of us.  You and I could have some adult conversation and the boys would have each other
for company
.  What do you say?  How about
tonight
after the party?”