Away From the Spotlight (75 page)

John looked eager and it made me nervous, thinking
about
our past experiences.  I wasn’t ready
to fend off his advances right now.  But then
I thought about how I had always believed that, in the absence of Will, John and I probably would have been together.  Maybe we were supposed to be together
.  Our lives kept throwing us together.

“Okay.”  I
’m sure that my
nervous
ness must have been obvious
.

“You don’t have to worry about me coming on too strongly this time.  I’m still a marr
ied man, at least for a while.”

“
Good
,
”
I said under my breath.
My nervousness dissipat
ed a little.

When we left the party at the same time, we received a strange look from Daniel.  I
was
certain that John would have some explaining to do on Monday at work.  We headed o
ff in separate cars to a family-
friendly Mexican restaurant on the Wests
ide.

The boys got on very well and John kept his promise not to come on too strong.
There was no touching or hand-
holding at all.  I was both relieved and disappointed.  It had been so long since anyone had touched me, other than
Will
in my nightly dreams
.

John and I spent a lot of time together in this manner over the course of the next several months.  John requested and received primary custody of Jack.  Ashley would get Jack two weeknights and every other weekend.  William and Jack became best friends.  When
it was time for the boys to start
the
third
grade
, John enrolled Jack in the same private school as William so they could
be
together.

John didn’t make any attempt to get physical with me at all.  We spent our time with the boys
, among friends,
or in lengthy conversations. 
Not that I wasn’t attracted to John.  I had
always
been attracted to John.  But since John never tried anything and I felt that
any
romantic thoughts
of
John constituted a betrayal of Will, our relationship
remained one of good friends.

John and Jack became a part of our lives as if they had always been there. 
We
felt like
a
family.
  And John blended well even among Will’s friends, with whom I made sure I remained in regular contact.

About eight months
after that first dinner together
, John brought Jack to the house for a
Friday
night
sleepover.  The
moment John and Jack
walked in the door
,
Jack went runn
ing upstairs to William’s room as he always did.

John gave me a cheek kiss
in greeting
and said,
“I have some news
for you.  My divorce is final.” 
He
smiled like there was some special meaning to it
.  I seemed to be missing it
.

“Congratulations
!
  I’m happy for you.  I’m glad everything
worked out.”  I gave him a hug.

John
didn’t let go.  “I’m not married anymore
.”

“
Yes
,
”
I said simply, still not understanding.

“Well, these past eight months have been
wonderful
.  W
e’ve
s
pen
t
a lot of time together.  I’ve noticed you still haven’t dated anyone else.
”  He hesitated and then spoke again, “
I promise that I’m not going to make the mistakes of the past and put pressure on you, but if you want me, I’m yours.” 
John
was still hugging me, probably not wanting to look at me while he said th
at
for fear of my reaction.

I had thought about
being with John
over the course of
the p
revious
several months, but it had made me feel guilty
, particularly
since
I spent every night dreaming of Will. 
D
espite the fact that they were vivid, the dreams were
n’t real.  This was.  John was.

I
leaned up and looked
into
John’s
eyes
as I responded,
“I do.
  I want you.
”
 
I saw happy surprise in them as I said this.

John
leaned
back from the hug
and kissed me as if he had been
waiting years to do so.

Before it got more involved, I pulled away. 
“Why don’t we go have a glass of wine?  The kids won’t be asleep for a while.  We’ve waited a long
time.  C
an you wait until then?”

He smi
led.  “What’s a few hours now?”

After the boys were safely asleep, I led John up to my
bed
room.  I felt odd at first
since
it
had been Will’s and my
bed
room, but my need pushed those
uncomfortable
feelings aside.  Despite the fact that we were both anxious, there was a gentleness there that I had never felt before.  I realized
,
as we m
ade
l
ove
, that I did love
John
and perhaps always had
in some way
. 
I did not love John in the all-consuming manner that
I loved Will and
I knew that it
would never be that way, but I did love
John
.

“I love you,” John said as we lay together
in each other’s arms afterward
.

I
looked at him in the dim light th
rough the window
and responded,
“I love you.”

“You don’t have to say that.”

“I’m n
ot just saying it.  I mean it.”

“Please.  I’d rather you were honest with me.  I understand that you can’t feel what I do.  I’m just gr
ateful we’re together finally.”

I tried to be convincing
because
I meant it. 
“I’m trying to tell you that I
do
.”

“You have no idea what that would mean to me, how happy that would make me.”
  He still didn’t believe me.

“Then be happy.
”

Almost as if he were testing me, John said,
“If that’s true, marry me.”

“You’ve been
single
for
all of
a day and you’re ready to marry again?”

“I’ve been ready to marry you for years.  If I hadn’t been such an idiot, we probably would have been married years
ago, even before you met Will.”

“I’m sorry.  I know it hurts you for me to say this, but, despite my feelings for you, I would never regret Will
ever
.  Besides, I
believe
things happen for a reason.  If things didn’t happen th
e way they did
, there would be no William and no Jack.  I can’t wish my son away that easily and I don’t
believe
you would wish away yours.”

“You’re right.  I know.”

“So let’s not regret the past and start living in the present.  Thanks to you, I actually want to
do that
now.
”

“So does that mean you’ll marry me?”
he asked hopefully.

“Yes, but I expect a more formal proposal later
,
”
I said teasingly
,
although I meant it.

“I’ll do anything if it means I get to spend
the rest of my life with you.”

“You don’t have to go overboa
rd.”

“Isn’t that what Will did?”
John asked, but sounded like he regretted saying it out loud.

“Yes, but I’
m not comparing you.”

“Good, because
I don’t think I could keep up.”

“I felt that way myself most of the time I was with him so I know the feeling.  All that matters to me is that it
’
s special and heartfelt.  I don’t require extravagance
.  In fact, it embarrasses me.”

“Did you ever tell Will that?”

I really didn’t want to continue this line of conversation, but answered anyway
,
“Yes, but he liked to have his fun in spoiling me.  He was like a little kid.  I couldn’t refuse him when he went overboard.
”  I then realized that I could set some ground rules for
the
relationship
between John and me
.  “
I’d rather we
do things
different
ly
.  I don’t want you to feel like you have to compete with
Will
.  I’d prefer that our relationship be completely
separate and
different.”

“I don’t th
ink it could be any other way.”

“Good.  Then it’s settled.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

I fell asleep in John’s arms and woke up in Will’s in the same bed.  It was jarring and, once I realized where I was, I felt
an overwhelming sense of guilt.

“Where a
re we going today?” Will asked.

“I don’t know.  Where do you want to do go?”
I’m sure I looked guilty.  I probably looked surprised as well to be dreaming of Will after sleeping with and agreeing to marry John.  My guilt now was two-pronged, like I was cheating on both of them.

“How about
the cottage
?”

“Where we were engaged?”

“Yes.”

“You know then.”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry.  I’m not
trying to betray your memory.”

“I know.  I
’
m happy you want to live again and that you’re taking st
eps to be happy in life, but I’
m sad that it is with
him
instead of me as it would have been had I not
left
,
”
he said euphemistically.

“Maybe
that’s
why I’m still dreaming of you,” I thought and said
it
out loud
, not meaning to do so
.

“What
’s that
?”
Will looked confused.

“I wondered why, after today, I’m still dreaming of you.
  Maybe I’m here to ask
your
forgiveness.”

“There is nothing to forgive, but if you require it, you have
it
.”

“Now I know I’m dreaming because there is no way Will would forgive me. 
Y
ou were intensely jealous of John.”

“I still am.  I’d say envious is a better word though.  But I get you here and I’ll take what I can get.”

“Does that mean I’ll still dream of you?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll still be here. 
I
’
ll always be here waiting for you
as long as you want me
. 
Let’s go to our cottage.”

We
returned to the cottage where we stayed at the time of our engagement.  We
made love
in the bedroom there
and it was the fiery, passionate, can’t keep our hands off each other
, all-consuming
kind of sex that we had always had.  It was in stark contrast to
the gentle, soothing lovemaking with John earlier in the evening.
The fact that I was having completely different sexual experiences with two different men that I loved in vastly different ways would have completely blown my mind if I hadn’t been able to tell myself over and over that Will was just a dream.  I knew that, if they were both real and I had to choose, I would choose Will, but I was glad at th
at
moment a choice didn’t appear necessary.