Away From the Spotlight (76 page)

From then on
, I w
ould
f
all asleep in John’s a
rms
to wake up in Will’s.  It didn’t seem fair that I was able to have them both, even if Will wasn’t really there.

Three
Years Later

I
t was loud and chaotic in our household as usual as my husband, three children and I all tried to get ready for our days at work or school.  We had two offices and two schools to get to that
morning.

My son, William, and
step-s
on, Jack, were
sixth
graders
at
a
private
school not far from
our
gated ho
me
in the
Palisades
.

William had his father's good looks, including his bushy hair and green eyes, and was as kind and loving as his father ha
d been.

Jack was a lot like his father, tall with dark-haired good looks and his father's quiet disposition.  Jack
now
spent
every
weekday and every other weekend with us, and the alternate weekends with his mother, Ashley, and her new family
.

With their dark hair and same relative gene pool,
William and Jack
were not blood-related, but
loo
ked like they could have been.

“Good morning, Mrs. Maher,” John said brightly as he entered the kitchen.  My reaction to my married name was not quite the same as it had been when I was married to Will, but I smiled knowing that calling me “Mrs. Maher” made John happy.  Of course, my official last name was “MacKenzie-Maher” in keeping with the differ
ent last names of my children.

After commands from John to get moving, the boy
s
wa
ved goodbye and headed out the door to John
's car.  John kissed me and walked
out the door behind them.  John would drop the boys
off
at school and then
drive
to Downtown L.A., where he
was a partner
in the
law
firm where we
had
met.

I was responsible for our two
-year old daughter, Samantha.  Samantha had my red hair, thanks to my genes and the fact that John was
three-quarters
Irish and must have had a
red
head
in his family somewhere as well.  I managed to get
Samantha
dressed and fed
,
and carried her out to the car to take
to day care on my way to work at the charitable foundation established in Will’s memory.

Notwithstanding the difficulties I had
in connection with my
miscarriage
after Will’s death
, I
had been
blessed in
getting pregnant almost immediately after marrying John and
being able to carry Samantha to term.  She was the
redhead
ed little girl I had always dreamed of having and was becomi
ng my best friend in the world.

That night, after work, I would pick up Iain and Margaret at LAX.  They visited us at least twice a year religiously and we visited them in England regularly as well.  Although I caught their wistful looks every once in a while, I knew that Iain and Margaret were happy that I had found someone to share my life with after Will’s death. 
They considered me a daughter and treated John like a son-in-law. 
And, of course, they treated Jack and Samantha like their grandchildren along with William.

John and I
had
built a good life together and I was satisfied, not
as
blissfully happy as I had been with Will, but happy with the fact that my life had meaning and that I had a
loving,
happy,
and
healthy husband and
family
along with
many good friends.

John passed away from complications of pancreatic cancer at the age of
seventy-four
.  We had been married for
thirty-seven
years.  The night after the funeral, I saw Will again as I had virtually
every night since Will’s death.

“Do I get to see John in my dreams too?” I asked Will when I woke up in his arm
s at our flat in Hampstead.

“Yes, but just this once.  He has somewhere to be.  I’ll le
ave you two alone for a while.”

Will led me out of the bedroom and I found John in our
bedroom
in the Palisades waiting for me.  He looked just
like
he did when we married in our 30’s.  It was so nice to see him this way as opposed to the pale, sickly
,
and fragile man that had passed away
several
days previously.

As I was also in my 30’s in this scenario, I ran up
to
John
and hugged him tightly.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,”
I cried.

“I’m better than okay now.  Don’t worry about me.
 
I will miss you
though
.  I hope you
’
ll be happy with Will.”

I leaned away. 
“What do you mean?  D
on’t I get to be with you too?”
 
If I’m dreaming, why can’t I dream of both Will and John
?

“No.  I do
n’t think that’s how it works.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think you’re meant to be with Will and I’m
meant to be with someone else.”

My eyes went wide. 
“Who?”

“I don’t kn
ow.  I just know it’s not you
,
”
he s
tated
matter-of-factly.

“How do you know?”

“I just know.”

“
Was there someone else?
”
  A sob escaped my throat.

“No.  I think I was meant to be with Ashley and then with you in life.  We were meant to raise our children together and to have Samantha together.  I’m just
not meant to be with you now.”

“I don’t understand.”
  I continued to sob quietly.

“I don’t either, but I will soon, I
suppose
.  I’m just here to say goodbye an
d to tell you that I love you.”
  He hugged me
again and my sobs subsided.

“I love you
.
”

“I never expected that you would, but
was glad
,
am glad
,
that you do.  I knew that I could never fill the hole in your heart left by Will, but I was happy to have the chance to try.  You made me very happy i
n life.  I hope you know that.”
  He kissed my head.

I pulled away slightly still holding on and looked him in the eyes. 
“You made life worth living again for me.  You are the father of my children.  I was very lucky to have
you.  I will
always
love you.”

He kissed me and we made love one last time in what had been our home together. 
Afterward
, I
held onto him tightly and
cried, knowing that this w
as it for us.

“Do you remember what you said to me after we broke up the first time?  You told me that you wanted me to find someone
who
would make me happy and that you would be envious.  That’s the way I feel right now.  I want you to be with Will because I know he
is your soul mate and
will make you happy in the long run, but I will be envious.  I
love you enough to let you go.”

He got up and dressed.  What he was dressing for, I couldn’t imagine.  I ran up to him and kissed him hard. 
“Don’t go.”

“I have to. 
Will’
s waiting for you
a
nd
my soul mate
is waiting for me.  I’ll love you always.  Take care of our family.”  He kissed me
,
and then wa
lked out the door and was gone.

I started bawling
,
ran to the bed and flopped face down, sobbing uncontrollably.  It was lik
e John had died all over again.

When I looked up, I was in Hampstead again and Will
lay
next to me, looking at me with concern
etched in his beautiful face
.  He
reached over and
cradled me in his arms.  “
Are you going to be all right?”

I cried in his arms without answering for what seemed like hours until
there was no water left in me.

“I’m sorry
,
Will.  I know I’m h
urting you by being like this.”

“Shhh.  It’s okay.  I know that you love him in your way.  And I know that you love me more.  I can live with that, so to
speak.  I have for years now.”

“Our children
?
”

“Are fine.  John was very sick and I think they
’
re happy he is at peace now.  He
was able
to see his children grow up and to see his grandchildren.  He lived a full and happy life surrounded by those
he loved and who loved him.”

“Did he?  How is that possi
ble if I wasn’t his soul mate?”

“He only knows you weren’t his soul mate now.  He didn’t know that when he was alive. 
H
e did lead a happy and fulfilled life. 
N
ow he will have a happy and fulfilled
afterlife.”

“Will he be able to see our children in
their dreams too like you do?”

“No.  He’s on his way now.”

“Then how come you do?”

“I told you
this once
.  I
’
m waiting for you.”

“Can’t yo
u wait wherever John is going?”

“I could, but then I couldn’t be he
re for you.  You’ve needed me.”

“When do we go there?”

“Not for a whil
e.  You still have more to do.”

“How can that be?  I’m
seventy-two
.”

“I just know that you do.  Before you have to wake up, let’s go somewhere together.  How about your place in
M
id-Wilshire?  That’s where we told each other we loved each other for the first time.  I remember being sad when you moved.  That
place held
such good memor
ies
for me.”

“You never said anything.”

“What could I say?  You planned on moving before we met and you would have had to leave
eventually to move in with me.”

“You could have
told me what it meant to you.”

“I’m telling you now.  The first time you told me you loved me was one of the hap
piest moments of my existence.”

“Same here.”

It was strange
how
,
when I was with Will
in my dreams
, my memory was crystal clear
and
not the hazy thing it should have been at age
seventy-two
.

Will led me
in
to
the bedroom of
my former apartment.  When we arrived, we were in our mid-20’s again.  I could almost feel the way I did that night so many years ago, the memories were so strong.  As we made l
ove, I whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you, more than I did
even then if that’s possible.”

While cuddling with Will afterward
, I asked, “When we move on, do we still get this?” I
asked
, referring to what
we had just done.

“I certainly hope so.”

“But you don’t know.”

“How could
I?  I haven’t been there yet.”

“Then I have news for you.  We will be doing a lot of this unt
il it’s my time, just in case.”

“You won’t hear any argument from me.  I think it’s time you got back now.  You don’t want to worry your family.  Lay back now and sleep, love.  I’
ll be waiting for you tonight.”