Awkward (24 page)

Good. Words were coming out of my mouth. That was a very good sign.

“Thanks for being here. So about that YouTube video …”

I laughed self-consciously. “Yeah. That was pretty embarrassing.”

“It’s hilarious. It really is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. When he started twitching and you just shoved him back into the pavement.” She laughed. “You really had no idea he was fine?”

I shook my head. “I wish it had all been an act, but the video wasn’t planned. I’m not a good actor. I could never convince anyone if it wasn’t genuinely me, freaking out.”

“Have you thought about taking any
CPR
classes?”

I grinned at her even though that question had been haunting me through the halls of Smith High School. Actually what I heard the most were catcalls of, “Hey, Mackenzie! Want to practice mouth-to-mouth?” but it was similar. It made me wonder whether Logan and Spencer had talked to anyone else at school for me. I made myself focus on the question again. My one moment on national television was not the time to obsess over some boy. Even Logan.

“No
CPR
plans at the moment, and after that experience I have definitely ruled out medicine as a possible career.”

“So tell me about this video. Who did all the filming? It’s remarkably steady.”

“You know what? I honestly don’t know. That’s one mystery I haven’t solved. I just came home and found my little brother, Dylan, freaking out.”

Ellen grinned. “What did he say?”

“Well, he yelled about how I was all over the Internet. Then he mentioned shipping me off somewhere until the embarrassment died down. I think he wanted to disown me.”

“Well, that was brotherly.” Ellen’s deadpan made everyone laugh.

“No, he was great. Not at first, maybe, but my family and friends have really been great about all of this. It hasn’t been easy on them either. When you hear that I became famous over YouTube, it sounds like my life has suddenly become all about rock stars and designer clothes. That’s been part of it for sure, but it’s been way more complicated. I’m talking
crowds
of people taking pictures and the paparazzi following me—and that’s just the obvious stuff. There have been all sorts of crazy rumors going around.”

“Rumors about what?”

“Sex … drugs … rock and roll.”

“Speaking of rock and roll,” Ellen segued, and the audience laughed, knowing exactly where she was going with her lead-in. “We heard you were awfully close with a certain rock star.”

And then up on the screen behind her was a blown-up copy of Tim and me at the concert. Blown up 300 percent you could really see the dopey, awestruck expression on my face, which had more to do with singing onstage than being love-struck … but nobody else knew that.

“Uh, yeah,” I managed. “That’s Tim.”

“Oh, you call him Tim. Do you call him anything else? Like, say, ‘my boyfriend.’ ”

I couldn’t help snorting with laughter. Which must have appeared oh-so attractive on television, but the whole thing was just ridiculous. Hearing Ellen guess about my love life (well, Tim’s love life) tempted me to say, “No, Ellen, see he’s dating my best friend Corey.” Then Corey could wave lamely at the camera from his seat in the audience. But even though I knew Ellen would love that, I couldn’t
out
my best friend and his new rock star boyfriend on national television.

So instead I said, “No, Ellen. Tim is just a friend. He’s a really great guy, but there’s nothing like that going on between us. He’s actually involved with someone at the moment.”

The audience let out a sigh, which probably included some disappointment from his loyal female fan base. If only they knew.

“He’s really great at giving relationship advice though—all the guys are, actually.”

Maybe I should’ve just waited for Ellen to ask another question.

“Have you become close with the other members of the band?”

“Uh, Chris and Dominic? Sure. I rode down here on the tour bus with all of them.”

“Sounds like you were surrounded by some very attractive young men.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond,

“Um, yeah. I guess I was. It wasn’t a big deal though. The guys were great.”

“Oh, I bet.”

I tried to hold back another snort. “It wasn’t like that. These guys are actually my friends, which happened surprisingly fast. I guess when you spend two days on the road, that happens, though.”

“So you spent two days on the road with a group of rock stars. What did you have to talk about?”

“It was funny, actually. My friend Corey asked about my love life, so suddenly I had all the boys translating guy speak for me.”

“Ah, guy speak. That’s kind of like Pig Latin, isn’t it?”

Ellen makes everything funnier. Although I guess she has to, since that’s her job.

“Yeah, see, guy makes no sense to me. So they were all giving me dating advice. Which I greatly appreciated.”

Ellen’s eyes twinkled with mirth. “Really. Is your love life that confusing?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Tell us about it.”

“Well, there are these guys and … I cannot believe I am sharing this on national television!”

“Can’t stop now!”

But I probably should have.

“Well, I guess I was interested in both of them, only I didn’t realize it. And both of them hardly knew I existed, so it didn’t seem to matter what I thought. Until the videos hit YouTube, and they really started talking to me.”

“Ooh,” said Ellen. “I like the sound of this.”

“Yeah, apparently when you’re famous, people pay attention. Anyhow, I went to a party—where
I did not do drugs
. I was just trying not to geek out, because this was the first party I’d ever been invited to, when they walked over.”

I could feel all eyes glued to me, and I knew the story would be all over school by the next day, but I didn’t care. I was taking charge.

“Uh-oh.”

“Right. So one of them took me outside, and I’m trying not to trip in my heels since I’ve never worn them before and they’re already cutting off my circulation.”

“Ouch,” said Ellen feelingly. “That’s why I wear sneakers.”

“That would have felt significantly better. Anyhow, we’re outside, and it’s a beautiful night, and he’s looking soulfully into my eyes.” I turned toward her and opened mine a little wider to demonstrate. “Kind of like this. And I’m thrilled he even knows my name … when he tells me that he loves me.”

I made a face so that everyone could tell I wasn’t enamored with Patrick’s declaration. The weird thing was, while I knew I should
definitely
be keeping my mouth shut, I thought it was fair game. Patrick had accused me of only being after the fame, and I was making him regret those words in a very real way. It was more than a little fun to watch karma kick into action.

“The nerve! Saying that he loves you. What an awful thing to do.” Ellen couldn’t keep her face straight.

“To be fair, my reaction was bad. Really bad. He said, ‘I love you,’ and all I could come up with as a response was, ‘No, you don’t.’ ”

The audience roared with appreciative laughter.

“Seriously. And while we were doing the whole, ‘Yes, I do’ ‘No, you don’t’ back-and-forth thing, I saw the other guy making out with the most popular girl in school.”

Everyone said “aw” sympathetically, which actually made me feel better about the whole thing. I had no idea that discussing my personal life on television would feel so … therapeutic.

“So that’s why it was great having a whole panel of guys giving me advice.”

“Apologizing here might work.” Ellen turned toward a camera. “She didn’t mean it, ‘I love you’ boy!”

“Well, actually I did.”

“I’m confused. What was wrong with ‘I love you’ boy?”

“Nothing, really. It’s just … okay, he’s the type who’d buy someone roses for Valentine’s Day. Which on the surface is great. Nothing wrong with roses. But even if you dropped some serious hints that what you
really
wanted was an artichoke with a big pink bow on it so that you could have a heart-ichoke, he’d still get the generic roses. And for me …”

“You want an artichoke.” Ellen made it sound ridiculous but not in a bad way. Just like it was really funny.

“Yeah, I want an artichoke.”

Put that way, my life made a lot more sense. Logan was an artichoke. He was multilayered and a bit prickly, but he was also edgy and fun and different. I should have recognized it before, but I guess I’d been too thrown off by his Notable-ness.

“Well, I bet you’ll have no trouble getting them now. So after this first video hit YouTube, you became a singer. You have a wonderful voice. Why don’t you tell us about that.”

“Well, Tim sent me an invitation to his Portland concert, and I took two of my friends backstage. So Corey and Jane”—I paused and waved at the camera with a sheepish grin. “Hi, Jane!”

Ellen waved too. “Hi, Jane.”

“She’s going to love that. Anyhow, the three of us went to the concert, and after I stopped mentally shrieking at being in their proximity, we got to know the guys. So when Tim invited me out onto the stage, my friend Corey—that’s Corey.” I pointed at him and, startled, he smiled at the camera that had swiveled around to face him. “Corey thought it’d be funny to make me go onstage. That scared the hell out of me, since I’m not overly confident about my dancing skills.”

Which was totally the wrong thing to say in front of Ellen. She grinned.

“It’s easy. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Since she was out of her chair and dancing to the music that was instantly beating through the room, I couldn’t exactly refuse. Especially since the audience was cheering for me. That’s how I ended up dancing on
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
even after I promised myself I wouldn’t.

It was thankfully short, and as we settled back into our seats she gave me a warm smile that was full of amusement.

“You were fine.”

“Hah. Thanks. That’s sweet of you to say. But when I was at the concert I completely froze, so Corey rushed on as a dance partner. Then Tim thought it’d be funny to get me to sing with him for a bit … and the rest is on YouTube.”

“Well, you sound terrific. Do you have any singing plans?”

“You know, I really don’t. I’m flattered that people like the clip, but I know I don’t have the drive you need to make it in the industry. On the bus ride here the guys and I fooled around a bit—”

“Aha!”

“Musically!” I laughed. “We worked on a song together that I think we’re going to play for you. And if no one throws tomatoes, then I’ll record it in the studios with them—but that’s going to be it. Then it’s back to studying for AP tests and tutoring.”

Although, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned the tutoring, given the precarious way I’d left things with Logan.

“Well, we can’t wait to hear it. But before we do, I’ve got something for you.”

I sat up straighter. “You didn’t have to. Really, Ellen, just being here is more than exciting enough.”

“Well, we found something that every studious, awkward girl needs. Especially if she’s going to stay in touch with her rock star boy ‘friend.’ ”

She handed me a rectangular package that had some serious weight to it. I ripped off the wrapping paper in quick, economical movements to reveal something that quite frankly made my heart do a squeezing palpitation thing.

It was a laptop. A brand-new MacBook. I was instantly sure of that when I felt the squishy laptop case. Of course Ellen’s face was branded across the cover, and it read Ellen-Book—but that just made it even cooler.

I didn’t scream. That in itself is a minor miracle considering the way Ellen DeGeneres casually handed me the very thing I’d been obsessing over for months. I’d wasted so much time calculating: How many hours of tutoring would it take? What if I did some babysitting on the weekend? How many months of setting aside every dollar before a laptop would be mine? All of that work, and the computer was just handed to me with no strings attached.

I remembered Logan’s accusation: that I’d just been using him for a laptop—and I knew that in the beginning he might have been right. I cared about doing the job, being responsible, earning my wages, but I didn’t particularly care about him. And now, that had changed. If I did go back to the tutoring he’d know that the laptop had nothing to do with it.

Because now the laptop was mine … and it had nothing to do with him.

I clutched at the computer in disbelief. “Oh, my God,” I gasped. “Thank you so much! I love it!”

Ellen smiled broadly. “Glad you like it. The very talented band ReadySet will be here after this message. Don’t go away.”

And with that, the show stopped recording for a commercial break.

B
efore I had time to breathe, Tim, Chris, and Dominic were set up onstage and ready to go. Right next to Tim was an empty mic waiting for me. Which was craziness, since what I had said to Ellen was completely true: I had a nice little voice. Emphasis on little. I was not going to be on
American Idol
anytime ever.

“Nervous?” Ellen asked, although I thought the answer was obvious.

“Uh, terrified really.”

“You’re going to be great.”

I needed to hear her say that more than I wanted to admit.

“I really appreciate all of this,” I told her, gesturing at my laptop. “It feels rather surreal, but … thanks.” I ran a hand through my hair and hoped that I hadn’t just accidentally destroyed the look Michael had painstakingly created. “It’s just, I’ve never been in the spotlight before. I’ve never wanted it! I’ve always been the awkward girl people only notice when they need help with homework. And now I’m spilling my personal life for everyone in America and I’m going to sing with a famous rock group and … it’s just insane!”

Ellen listened. I think that’s why she’s so good at her job. She really knows how to listen.

“You don’t have to be anyone but yourself.”

I stifled a groan. “I know! I mean, that’s what people keep telling me. But it’s not that easy, is it? Because what if myself is just boring?”

She shrugged. “Do you think you’re boring?”