Azaria (41 page)

Takur let his head swing low. "I cannot blame you, my son. What the Ta'ar desire is too much to request of any father. I can hardly forgive myself for bringing it up. However, I fear the alternative you suggest may be the one we're left with. As leader, I cannot allow the evil spirits living within her to infect any others. If her condition deteriorates, I’ll be forced to expel her from the camps."

The air in Azerban's lungs released into the stale air, having been hit twice now. He lost his balance. The room spun before him. He bent down and sat on another of the padded stumps, bringing his head to his hands. How could this be happening? Not so many moons ago, he'd been blessed with a happy family. Now his mate was gone, his daughter ill and facing the possibility of being cast from her people. What had he done to deserve such a cruel fate? He would have to go with her, of course. She’d have no chance otherwise. But even together, survival would be impossible. Two could not persist alone in the wilds of this world. It took cooperation to thrive. Only within a group was it possible. And what of Quzo?
What would become of my boy? I could not take him with me, sentencing him to death. I would have to leave him with Shaledar. But could she raise him to his full potential? No, the boy needs his father. I cannot allow my first born son to grow up without his father.
And then a new fear gripped him. One he hadn’t thought of earlier.
What if Quzo is infected by this illness also? Can I allow that?

With Azerban lost deep in thoughtful anguish, Takur pressed his case, "As it is, we may have to limit her exposure to others, Azerban. The stronger the spirits inside her become, the more able they’ll spread."

Azerban didn't want to hear anymore. He hated the old man for what he was saying, but found he couldn't blame him either. He was only doing what he felt was best for his people, whereas Fahim would have done it for her own, more personal reasons. To think of
all
their people first is what they were supposed to do. It was what a Ta'araki was. If it was an easy life, everyone would choose to serve the Watchers. "I will meditate on what you’ve told me, Ta'araki," Azerban said, rising with his face still in his palms, pulling his hands behind his head. Takur watched as he stumbled out into the frost. A thin smile appeared on his lips. That had gone better than he'd dared to hope.

Distraught by her encounter with Tobit and her cough taking its toll, Azaria made her way down the steep path, slipping more than once on the icy incline. On her second fall, she stayed seated and brought her head to her knees.

"Azaria?" a young voice called.

She hadn't heard anyone approach. She raised her head to see Dogahn standing in front of her.

A sob broke through her lips. "Dogahn? What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? What are you doing here, sitting in the snow?" His response was coupled with a cool chuckle.

Azaria wiped her cheeks and smiled. He was right. He had more right to ask the question of her. It’d been so long since she'd heard that laugh, she hadn't realized how much she missed it. "I fell and I didn't feel like getting up. Dogahn, I feel terrible."

"Really?" he asked, not knowing quite what to say. "I'm sorry. Why are you out here then? Let me walk you to your cave."

"Thanks," she said, reaching her hands out to his.

He took them and pulled her up. Slipping on the ice, she lost her balance. Dogahn put his hands on her waist to steady her and suddenly Azaria was in his arms, her lips so close to his. Those vivid, hazel eyes she remembered so well drew her in. She found herself lost in them and smiled, wondering if this was a bad dream that had somehow turned wonderful.

Dogahn's tongue fell limp. Again he didn't know quite what to say. For a brief moment her longing gaze froze him, before he cast his eyes from her, with the tiniest of smirks. He wanted to kiss her. More than anything he wanted to put his lips on hers, but it didn't feel appropriate. Finally the right words came, "Azaria, I'm sorry about Zephia. I wish I’d been there for you. I should’ve been. I'm sorry."

Overwhelmed with emotion, Azaria kissed him on the cheek and wrapped her arms around his neck. She whispered with her lips brushing up against his ear. "Thanks Dogahn... But I understand. Don't feel bad."

"I miss you, Azaria," he answered. He didn't know where the words came from. They seemed to just sprout from his mouth of their own volition. But he didn't regret them. In fact he was happy he found the courage to tell her how he really felt. He looked back into her eyes, desperately curious as to how she'd respond.

"You do?" she asked, locking eyes with his once more. "I miss you too."

It was all he needed. He placed his lips on hers, elated when she didn't immediately pull back. However, after a moment, she did. "Dogahn, we shouldn't. I'm sick. Everyone is scared of me."

But he didn't care. He'd rather die with her than be without her. "I don't care. It's just a cold," he said.

She giggled. He'd managed to say exactly the right thing. It was just as she remembered things being between them, back when she could tell him anything and his response always lightened her mood. "I think you're the only one who believes that. But what about Yumineh?" she asked. Her heart ached as she remembered he really wasn't hers anymore, despite the brief, beautiful kiss.

"I don't want to be with her," Dogahn said. "I want to be with you."

Azaria was stunned. "Really? How can you say that? Why did you mate with her then?" She felt fear as the question left her lips, but she'd been asking herself the same thing for so long, she couldn't help herself.

Dogahn wasn't ready for the question. Things were going so perfectly - in all his visions of getting back together with her, it had never started so well. "I... I don't know... I guess when she offered, I wanted to. I mean... You wouldn't with me and she would." He knew it didn't sound good, and desperately wished he'd thought of something better.

Azaria stepped back, not liking what she heard either. She'd already forgiven him, having made justifications for his errant behavior in her own mind. She’d imagined perhaps they'd accidently come upon each other, maybe in a swimming hole. One thing probably led to another and they found themselves kissing and then groping. She knew how much he wanted to. She also knew how much Yumineh had liked him and how desperate she was to have him. So she’d reasoned the Fox Camp girl probably let him do whatever he wanted. Lost in passion and not thinking of anything else - her mother had once described a man's urge in a similar way - it could’ve been easy for them to lose control and to forget the consequences. That was why it was so important for the woman to keep her wits about her. She'd imagined he felt guilty about it afterward and swore never to let it happen again.

But this didn't seem to be the case at all. He said he chose to mate with her, because she wouldn't with him. Azaria suddenly found it much more difficult to excuse his transgression.

"So you chose to mate with her, Dogahn? You wanted to? You thought about it beforehand?"

Dogahn thought back to his embarrassment during the Long Run, when he'd been so engrossed watching Yumineh running in front of him, and of the desires that filled that moment. He remembered how much he'd wanted to lie naked with her. "I... No... I mean..." he said, struggling to explain himself. He couldn't even begin a sentence which would turn out right. He didn't want to lie to her anymore. He wanted to be better than that - she deserved better. "Yeah, I mean of course I thought about it. Everyone thinks about it."

Azaria slapped him hard on the face, setting him off balance and falling backward. It was a heavy fall, as he was on the downside of the incline. He looked up at her in shock, terrified of saying anything more, sure he’d only make things worse.

"I thought it was an accident, Dogahn!" Azaria screamed. "I'd forgiven you, knowing how hard it is for a young man, with your uncontrollable desires. But you wanted her. As much as she wanted you. You probably would’ve done it even if I had mated with you!" Her explosion led to another coughing fit and she doubled over, struggling to contain it.

Dogahn took the opportunity to try to explain himself. "No, Azaria. It wasn't like that. It was a mistake. It
was
an accident-"

"Get away from me..." Azaria raged between hacks, pushing him away. "Just... just stay away from me."

---

Over the next few suns, Dogahn was even more distraught than he’d been before his chance encounter with Azaria. She'd been in his arms. He’d kissed her. And she’d kissed him back. And then somehow it had all turned awry. Over and over again he racked his brain, puzzling as to what he could have done differently.
What should I have said instead? What made her so angry? I was only being honest. I thought she'd appreciate the truth.
He battled with the same questions again and again, wondering how he could get her back if another opportunity arose. But he doubted he'd ever be that lucky.

In his desolation, he even went so far as to ask his parents' advice on the matter. They'd given him plenty of suggestions, but he wasn't convinced they really knew what he was going through. How could they understand? They didn't know what it was like to want someone so badly and not be able to have them. They had each other. There was no way they could know. But one helpful bit of counsel did come from his mother at the end of a rather frustrating conversation.

"Well, why don't you speak with Daneel then?" Miryan had said, exasperated with his unwillingness to listen to them and his inability to imagine that they might have been unmated once too.

"Daneel? Why Daneel?" he replied.

"Well, you're stuck trying to figure out how to explain to Azaria how you feel," she explained. "But the real problem is you don't understand what she's gone through. Daneel knows her better than anyone. If anyone can help you, it may be her."

He was surprised. The suggestion actually made sense, in a weird motherly kind of way. But talk to Daneel? He never went to visit her. It wasn't that he didn't like her. They were friends, but not as close as he was with some of his male friends, or as he and Azaria had once been. They only talked when brought together, as part of a group, and it was usually superficial banter. Teasing and maybe a little flirting. That kind of stuff. How would he even approach her?
It shouldn't matter,
he decided.
Daneel likes me well enough. She loves to chat. She'll probably be happy I came over.

Having convinced himself, he resolved to follow his mother's guidance that same sun. He couldn't put it off for long, remembering Yumineh expected to see him after the midsun meal. If he was going to talk to Daneel, it would have to be now.

"Mother, I think you're right. I'll go see her. Do you know where I put those hare furs I skinned? I think I'll bring her one as a gift. Daneel loves gifts."

"Now you're thinking, boy," said his father, Irizahner. "Just be sure to choose your words with deliberation instead of blabbering out whatever comes to tongue."

Dogahn made the trek down the cliffside to Daneel's family cave and greeted her mother after being invited in.

"Dogahn, what brings you here?" asked Daneel’s mother, Dtioniyah, a radiant smile upon her face.

"Uhhh... just a friendly visit," he replied, feeling uncomfortable and unprepared for the simple question. It didn't help that Daneel's mother was standing in front of him half naked. Although now a middle-aged woman, she was still strikingly beautiful, with a curvaceous figure and large, bare, round breasts which seemed to beckon to him.

"How are you?" he asked, unaware he was staring at them.

"Wonderful," Dtioniyah answered with a knowing smile. She placed her arms over his shoulders and drew him in. "We don't see enough of you. You should come over more often."

"You're right, I don't..." Dogahn replied, enjoying the feel of her ample chest pressed up against his.
Is Daneel going to look like this when she's older,
he wondered. He looked across the cave and saw her approaching with a bright smile. Now that he thought of it, Daneel was already developing her mother's figure. In a few more seasons, she might be just as captivating. "Hi Daneel!" he called, looking her over with fresh appreciation.

"Hey Dogahn, what are
you
doing here?" she asked playfully.

"Just thought I'd visit. Is this a bad moment?"

"No, no. Of course not," Dtioniyah answered for her. "You're always welcome. But if you're here to see my mate, he's out hunting lynx, or wolves or something like that," she laughed.

Finding himself alone with two alluring women, Dogahn wondered again why he hadn't come to visit his beautiful friend before. "Oh no, I came to see Daneel, actually," he said.

"Oh good. Then you two sit," Dtioniyah suggested. "I'll prepare some tea."

"Thanks, mother," Daneel said. "Here Dogahn, come sit. So what brings you to our hearth?" As he'd predicted, she was delighted he'd come. She guessed it was either Yumineh or Azaria that brought him and either way she was already interested.

"Oh, I brought you something," Dogahn said, reaching for the white hare skin he'd tucked into the back of his waistline. Daneel squealed as he presented the fur to her. "I caught more than my share, and thought you might like one."