Baby Alicia Is Dying (18 page)

Sadie grabbed her hand and pulled her down the hall. “Come see the babies before you go. We’ve got two new ones. Of course it’s nap time right now, so you’ll be seeing them at their best.”

“But I can’t—”

Sadie ushered her into one of the bedrooms. “Shh. Just take a peek.” Desi felt a tightening in her chest. She was in Alicia’s old room. Muted sunlight shimmered through sheer white curtains and a partially drawn window shade. “Look at this one,” Sadie urged, leaning over Alicia’s old crib. Sadie lifted a tightly wound bundle off the elevated mattress. “This here is Lucas.”

Reluctantly Desi peered at a tiny dark face within the folds of the blanket. His features were wizened, like an old man’s, and a stocking hat covered his head.

“He was born five weeks premature and is just now topping six pounds. It was touch and go for a spell—he was born HIV-positive and cocaine-addicted—but he’s scrappy. We’ve had him with us for two weeks.”

Desi inspected Lucas and the bed, Alicia’s bed. The sheets were now pale blue, the blanket sported
turtles in football gear, and the stuffed animals were all brand-new. Her heart twisted. It was as if Alicia had never existed.

“Oops,” Sadie said suddenly. “There goes the timer for my cookies. Here.” She handed the baby over to Desi, who juggled the bundle awkwardly.

“But I don’t want—”

“I’ll be right back,” Sadie called softly, hurrying out the door.

For a moment Desi didn’t move. Air felt trapped in her lungs. She didn’t want to be there. She didn’t want to be holding Lucas. In her arms the baby squirmed and whimpered, reminding her of a mewing kitten. “Don’t wake up,” she pleaded. Lucas’s eyes remained closed, and Desi let her breath out slowly. He settled down, and she started to lay him in the crib, but saw the rocker by the window and decided to rock him so that he’d stay asleep.

He weighed next to nothing in her arms. She pulled the blanket away from his face and studied him. He wasn’t a very pretty baby, she decided. His nose seemed too large for his face, and his chin jutted. No, he wasn’t much to look at. Maybe he’d look better when he filled out, got some weight on him. Desi sighed.

Sunlight spilled onto her lap. Outside she could see the bush she’d planted beneath the window. Rising out of the packed Georgia clay, it looked forlorn, like a stripped stick, and she shook her head in disgust. If that man at the nursery had sold her a dud
… Again she looked down at the baby. “I suppose I’ll have to come and keep an eye on the thing,” she grumbled. Yes, that’s what she’d have to do. She’d have to return to carefully watch it, in order to make certain that it bloomed.

Desi hugged Lucas closer and began to rock back and forth. She knew Alicia would never see the flowers, but perhaps Lucas would. Perhaps he’d be one of the lucky ones who escaped AIDS to grow into a normal, healthy boy. Only time would tell.

Absently Desi began to hum a lullaby while Lucas slept nestled in her arms, and soft summer sunlight floated through the window and danced on his tiny face.