Baby Alicia Is Dying (9 page)

“Do you have much shopping left to do?” Brian asked when he returned, balancing a tray.

“Just my dad and sister, Valerie. What’re you buying your dad?”

“Nothing. My parents are divorced, and Dad lives in California with his new family.” He handed her a cup of diet cola and a paper plate filled with pizza.

“Do you ever see him?”

“I haven’t since I was seven.”

She couldn’t imagine not seeing her father. True, he wasn’t around all that much, but at least she knew he was coming home every night. “So you grew up with only women bossing you around?” Desi teased.

“Not quite.”

Desi waited for him to continue, but after an awkward moment it became obvious that he was finished talking about his personal life. She fidgeted
self-consciously with her shopping bag and finally took another peek at Alicia’s new dress. “Alicia’s really going to look pretty in this.”

Brian blew the paper off his straw and jammed it through the lid of his cup. “You sure act funny about that baby.”

“What do you mean?”

“You act like she’s your kid or something.”

“I do not.”

“You sure do. Remember, I was with you and saw the way you treat her. And now you’ve bought her all these presents.”

“She’s special to me, that’s all.” Desi knew she sounded defensive. Brian obviously didn’t understand.

“But what about the other babies at the house? You didn’t mess with them at all that day I took you.”

“I do lots of things with the others. You’re not around me all the time, so how would you know?” she asked between bites of pizza.

“I’m just telling you how it
looks
, Desi. Just be careful, because you might be setting yourself up for a fall.”

“Like what? She’ll get sick? Don’t you think I know that? I’ll still love her, even if she does.”

“Sometimes love isn’t enough.” Brian wadded his napkin and tossed it over her head, toward the trash container.

“How’d you get to be such an expert on love?”

All around them shoppers passed, juggling
packages and boxes, and the smells of food mingled with the scents of bayberry and evergreen. “I don’t know dip about love, but I know a lot about giving it to the wrong people,” he said seriously.

Was he telling her about his father or maybe an old girlfriend? She disliked the thought of another girl in his life. “What wrong people?”

“Nothing. Forget I said anything.” Brian leaned down and scooped up his purchases. “Let’s go. You promised to help me find something for my sister.”

“I said I would, didn’t I? Maybe we can get her a gift in the bookstore. Does your sister like to read?” Desi scrambled for her belongings, half grateful to switch the subject. Maybe she’d been foolish to pry into his personal life. After all, he was only her biology lab partner. What he did and whom he cared about was none of her business. Just as it was none of his business how she felt for Alicia.

“Want to see some of the presents I bought today?” Desi asked. Now that they were home from the mall, she stood at the doorway of Valerie’s bedroom, clutching her shopping bag.

Val sat on the floor wrapping an oversize box. “You can come in—it’s safe. I’ve already wrapped yours and stashed it in my closet.” She waggled her finger. “No peeking after I go back to school.”

Desi sat cross-legged on the floor. “It’s been fun having you home for Thanksgiving. I wish you could stay longer.”

“I’ll be back in a few weeks for Christmas break.” Val tacked a bow onto the foil-wrapped box in front of her and shoved it to one side. “Who was the hunk you were with today? I saw you from a distance walking with him, but you were so involved, you didn’t see me.”

“Just some guy from school. His name’s Brian.”

Valerie arched one perfect black eyebrow. “Have you been holding back information from me, little sister?”

The teasing tone of her voice made Desi blush.
“I was helping him do his Christmas shopping. He’s nothing to me. Really.”

“I was wondering when your hormones would override that scientifically splendid brain of yours.”

“Val! He’s just a friend.”

Valerie chuckled. “I love seeing you squirm.”

Desi playfully tossed a wad of ribbon at her sister. “Do you want to see the things I bought today, or not?” Val nodded, and Desi pulled the items she bought Alicia from the sack.

“Wow!” Val fingered the plush velvet of the dress. “This is gorgeous.”

“I can’t wait to see Alicia in it.”

“You’re really crazy about this little girl, aren’t you?”

“She’s so darling, Val. I can’t help myself.” Desi folded the dress lovingly and placed it inside a box. “I’m telling you, the time I spend down at ChildCare is the best time of my life. You always had tennis, but I’ve never had anything that meant as much to me. I just wish Mom could be more understanding about it.”

“Actually I think she wants me to try to persuade you to give it up.”

Desi looked up quickly. “Don’t even bother. I’ll never leave Alicia.”

“Maybe you should put yourself in Mom’s place.”

“Maybe she should put herself in
my
place,” Desi countered.

“Aren’t you afraid of AIDS?”

“Are you afraid of that guy in your class who has AIDS?” Desi watched her sister’s slender fingers roll ribbon back onto a spool.

“I feel sorry for Ted, but I am a little bit scared whenever I’m around him. It’s not a rational fear,” she added when Desi started to protest. “It’s a deep-down, dark kind of fear. I wish I weren’t afraid. But I know what this guy’s future is. I’ve seen pictures of people in advanced stages of AIDS, and it’s pretty grim. Ted still keeps trying to lead a regular life though. He goes to classes, he has his own apartment off campus. He has a few friends. Once in the student union I caught him staring at me. He looked so sad.”

“You can talk to him and be his friend. You don’t have to date him or anything,” Desi urged, feeling sympathetic.

Val shook her head. “I’m no good at hiding my feelings. He’ll always know that I’m really feeling revulsion. I’m sorry. I wish I felt differently, but I don’t.”

“Well, I’m not afraid,” Desi insisted.

“I admire you.”

Val’s admission took Desi by surprise. She was the one who’d always envied and admired Val. Self-consciously she shifted, grabbed up her sack, and pulled out another gift. “See what else I got Alicia.”

“A baby book! Oh, Desi, how cute.” Val ran her palm over the pale pink cover. “Look at the teddy
bears.” She thumbed through the stiff, decorated pages. “How will you know what to fill in about Alicia’s birth statistics?”

“Alicia was born at County Hospital, so between Gayle and Aunt Clare I think I can get the info I need.”

“You know what might be fun? Let’s drag out our old baby books and see what Mom wrote in them.”

“I’ve never seen them. Do you know where they are?”

Val drummed her fingers. “I think so. Come on.”

Desi followed her sister downstairs into the den, where their parents kept their paperwork and personal files. The room looked in need of straightening, but their father had flatly refused his wife’s pleas to redecorate. “This is my realm, Eva,” he’d said. “I want someplace in my own house that feels like the inside of my bedroom slippers, not a page out of some decorator’s magazine.”

Their mother had consented, but usually kept the door closed. Once inside, Val started rummaging through the bookcase. “I noticed our baby books on the shelf ages ago. They were up near the top.” She rose to her tiptoes. “Ah! Here they are.”

She dragged them off in a clump, and sat down on the floor. Eagerly Desi sat beside her. Val blew dust off the tops. “There are three of them,” she said quietly.

Desi’s heart thudded. Sure enough, Val laid out three books on the beige carpet—two pink and a blue. Desi barely saw hers and Val’s. Her attention zeroed in on the blue one. The girls glanced at each other. “I didn’t know Mom kept one on the other baby.” She felt acutely uncomfortable, as if she was looking at something forbidden.

“Me either.” Val flipped it open. “ ‘Matthew Jeremy Mitchell,’ ” she read aloud. The ink had faded, making the name appear as ghostly as the child. The date of his birth had been recorded, along with his weight and length, but nothing else.

“It’s a nice name. Do you remember him at all?” Desi asked.

Val concentrated hard. “All I remember is being afraid.”

“Why?”

“Because—” Val ran her hand across her eyes, as if the memory was hurting her. “Because mom cried all the time. I was only two, you know, but I still remember her crying for days and days, and how scared I was because she wouldn’t stop crying.”

“And I didn’t even exist,” Desi observed.

“I do remember when
you
were born though.” Val shoved aside the blue baby book and picked up Desi’s.

“Did Mom and Dad hire a band?”

“No … In fact they were sort of quiet about it.”

“Quiet?”

“I remember I was really excited—Aunt Clare too. I thought you were going to be my own personal baby doll. Little did I know that real babies cried a lot at night.”

Val giggled, and Desi tried to act silly about it too, but it bothered her knowing that her parents hadn’t been very enthusiastic about her arrival. “Of course that was so long ago,” Val continued. “I was four when they brought you home from the hospital. You were tiny and wrinkled-looking … and you screamed most nights.” She put her hands over her ears, and Desi almost felt that she should apologize for having kept her sister awake. “Aunt Clare called you ‘colicky.’ I remember the word because it was one of the first grown-up words I could pronounce. She used to visit, and we played with you.”

“I’m surprised you remember.”

“I just recall bits and pieces. Besides, by then I was the big girl, according to Aunt Clare, and you were the baby. I remember how Aunt Clare and I walked you in your stroller in the park.”

On the inside Desi was a turmoil of emotions. It hurt realizing that her mother had ignored her as a baby and that Valerie actually
had
been the favorite all her life. At least Aunt Clare had always cared.

She leaned over to view her baby book, and with surprise saw that most of the pages were blank. “There’s not much written in it,” she mumbled, her hurt dissolving into embarrassment.

She picked up Val’s. Every page was filled. Val’s
first tooth. Val’s first birthday. A silken lock of hair from Val’s first haircut. With a nervous laugh Val shut the book. “Goodness, doesn’t it just go to show you how busy Mom was by the time you came along.”

How long could it take to jot down a few words
, Desi thought. She said, “I guess so,” and stared uncomfortably at the floor. “All the more reason to keep a book for Alicia,” she added., “Someday she’ll be glad that somebody cared enough to go to the trouble.”

The door to the den swung open. “Val, I’ve been looking for you. Your wash is clean and—” The sentence died on their mother’s lips as she took in the scene and spied the baby books spread out on the floor. “What are you two doing?” Her eyes narrowed, and both girls hurriedly grabbed for the three books.

“Taking a trip down memory lane,” Val offered cheerfully, standing.

“Where did you find those?”

“On the bookshelves.” Val motioned over her shoulder, stacked the books, and reached to put them away.

“Why did you want to see them?”

Desi saw that the color had left her mother’s face, making Desi feel guilty of doing something wrong. “I bought Alicia a baby book,” she began to explain. “We were just looking through ours to see how you kept them for us.” She wondered if her mother remembered that hers was practically blank.

“Alicia! I swear, Desi, that’s all I ever hear from you. Your life is totally taken over by that baby, and I don’t like it one bit.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Don’t argue with me. Now you’re spending your allowance on her. Just throwing it away.”

“That’s not so.”

“I’m tired of discussing it.” Her mother silenced Desi with a stern look and turned to Valerie. “I’d like you to come help me sort through your laundry. You might not want to take everything back to school, since you’ll be home for Christmas in a few weeks. I’ll be in your room.” She didn’t wait for Valerie to respond. She left the den with a firm jerk on the doorknob.

Valerie turned toward Desi, her expression stunned. “I can’t remember ever seeing her so angry. Mom’s
really
against your ChildCare work. Maybe you
had
better reconsider what you’re doing, Desi.”

Still feeling the sting of her mother’s rebuke, Desi said nothing. Val quickly ran up to her room, leaving Desi to return the books to the shelves. Holding Alicia’s baby book tightly, Desi kept seeing the stricken look on her mother’s face. Something else was going on with her mother besides objections to Desi’s volunteer work at ChildCare. Desi couldn’t imagine what it was, but she was certain it was something very serious.