Baby Alicia Is Dying (8 page)

Aunt Clare arrived early Thanksgiving morning to help Eva and Desi with the meal. Desi pulled her to one corner, out of her mother’s earshot and asked about Anthony. Her aunt shook her head. “The news isn’t good. He’s fighting a viral pneumonia. Let’s make sure to include him in our Thanksgiving prayers.”

Desi nodded and quickly set to work, hoping that by keeping busy, she could put Anthony’s plight out of her mind. When everything was ready, Desi stood and admired the table. Her mother’s decorating skills were evident.

China, crystal, and silver sparkled on ivory-color linen. The colors of autumn spilled from a magnificent brass and straw centerpiece of fall flowers, gourds, pheasant feathers, and candles. The rich, succulent aroma of roasted turkey, yeast rolls, cinnamon, and spiced pumpkin pies saturated the air. With the strains of a Rachmaninoff concerto playing on the stereo, and late afternoon sunlight spilling
through antique lace curtains, the room had the flavor of some turn-of-the-century Southern mansion.

“Beautiful,” Aunt Clare announced when they all finally sat down to dine.

As her father blessed the food, Desi prayed silently for Anthony, for his fight for life. She thought about Alicia too, and wondered what it would be like to have her sitting in a high chair at their table. Desi could picture her small hand holding a drumstick and her dark eyes glowing. Maybe next year she could talk Gayle into letting her bring Alicia over for the day. If her mother would agree to such a venture.

“It’s so wonderful to have my family together,” her mother declared, passing around the food.

“It’s good to take a break,” Val volunteered. Her hair was tied back with a blue satin ribbon, her freshly scrubbed face pretty, as always, but pale. She turned toward Desi, asking, “Tell me about the ChildCare house you’ve written about. Your letters are great. Can I go see the babies with you? I’d love to see more pictures too.”

Filled with enthusiasm, Desi started to speak, but her mother interrupted. “Oh, Val, honey, your father and I hear about Desi’s activities all the time. We want to hear about yours. Do you like your classes? How’s tennis coming along? I can’t wait until spring. According to your coach, Florida plays several matches here in Atlanta. You can bet we’ll all be there to cheer you on.”

Desi felt the sting of her mother’s rejection. She saw a flare of anger in her aunt’s eyes, but before Aunt Clare could comment and set off an argument, Desi said, “Come on, Val, tell us all about what you’re doing. You and I can talk later about my life.”

Valerie began to tell stories of campus life, hesitantly at first, then more excitedly. Desi found her sister’s stories amusing, but she kept wishing her mother was as interested in her activities as she appeared to be in Val’s.

Much later, when they were clearing the table and loading the dishwasher together, Val told her, “I really want us to have a long talk, Desi, and hear about everything you’re doing. I don’t think Mom really meant to cut you off, you know.”

“Probably not. She’s still not crazy about my working at ChildCare, and she really has missed you a lot.”

“Too bad you’re not the older of us,” Val said with a sigh.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because then everybody would expect
you
to be perfect. It’s the curse of being firstborn, you know. My roommate and I talk about it all the time. She’s a firstborn too.”

Desi wanted to tell her, “But you
are
perfect!” Instead she asked, “Aren’t you having a good time in college?”

“Oh sure, but I feel under so much pressure. I have to be a good student
and
a great athlete. Coach
is always urging me to practice and ‘be committed.’ The competition is fierce on the team and in my classes. My professors keep telling me that I could do so much better if only I’d study more. Mom’s always calling and writing telling me how important it is that I have a good four years at Florida if I want to do something ‘serious’ with tennis.” Valerie threw up her hands in exasperation. “Honestly, sometimes I feel like dumping everything. I envy you. Still going to high school without any problems.”

She’d never written Val about the episode at school, and now didn’t seem like a good time to mention it. “But you love tennis. I thought you wanted to turn pro.”

“I
do
love it. But I’m not sure I want it to be my whole life.” Valerie bent over the open dishwasher and slowly inserted the plates Desi was handing her. “Still I know that Mom’s put a lot of herself into my game and that it matters to her that I excel.” Val straightened. “Sometimes I wish Mom and Dad hadn’t gotten married right after high school. If Mom had gone to college, played tennis, and lived a little, I’ll bet she’d be different now. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing things for her instead of me.”

She looked at Desi and quickly added, “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I’m on scholarship, and I honestly love the game. It’s just that sometimes …” She shrugged helplessly. “Oh, forget it. I sound like I’m complaining, and I’m not. Just take my word for it—life’s tough.”

Desi didn’t have to be reminded of that. “Maybe you should say something to Mom.”

“No. I don’t think she’d understand.”

“She’s really into her decorating job,” Desi insisted. “It’s important to her, she’s so concerned about everything you do, I bet she could relate to your feelings about tennis not being your whole life.”

“It’s more complicated than that. I like the competition, and I like winning. I
really
like winning. It’s just that right now I’m having trouble figuring out exactly what I want and how to get it. You understand, don’t you?”

Desi nodded solemnly. She understood perfectly. Each of them had problems. Val had their mother’s great expectations resting on her, and Desi felt that her parents expected nothing much from her at all. She began to think about the baby her parents had lost and wished she knew more about him and what had happened. Too bad he was never discussed. She couldn’t help wondering what things would have been like if that baby had lived. What would have been expected of him, the only boy? How different would their family have been with him alive? They would never know.

Desi watched Val pour detergent into the dishwasher and turn on the machine. No matter how bad things were for Val and herself, Desi knew that their problems weren’t as bad as Alicia’s. And Alicia didn’t
even have a family, anyone to love her.
That’s not so
, Desi reminded herself.
She
loved Alicia, and no matter how terrible things got for either of them, she would
always
be there for baby Alicia.

Desi stood in the food court area of the giant mall, plotting her shopping strategy. She wasn’t due to hook up with Valerie and her mother again until four o’clock, so that meant she’d have plenty of time to find everyone’s Christmas gifts. She studied her list. Aunt Clare was first. In Neiman Marcus she found a small colorful ceramic elephant for her aunt’s collection. As she was paying, she heard someone call her name.

“I thought that was you,” Brian Connley said after he’d cut through a group of shoppers. “What’re you doing here?” He was slightly out of breath.

“Is this a trick question? I’m shopping, of course.”

“Did you get my present yet?”

“Golly, I almost forgot. Good thing you reminded me.”

He fell into step beside her. “Mind if I tag along? Maybe you could help me pick out some things for my mom and sister.”

“I don’t know your mom and sister.”

“So what? You’re all
females
. You must have some idea of what girls want.” With his wayward
blond hair and big blue eyes, he looked too appealing to refuse. “I’ll buy you lunch,” he offered as a bribe.

She was glad to be with him, she just didn’t want him to know it. “All right, but you’ve got to help me get the stuff on my list. No whining, even if you get bored.”

“Me? It’ll never happen.”

She led him over to the perfume counter. “Does your mom like any special scent?”

“Eau de hamburger,” he suggested with a grin.

“Be serious.”

He studied the bottles, lifted one, and saw the price. “Do I look like a millionaire? Forget this.”

They passed through several more departments before Brian could be persuaded to part with some of his money. He bought his mother a silk scarf that Desi assured him anyone would like. While he was paying, Desi gazed across the aisle and noticed the children’s department. Quickly she walked in that direction. In the center of the toddler area she saw a red velvet dress trimmed in white eyelet lace at the neck and sleeves, with a white organdy bow at the waist.

“It’s a little small, don’t you think?” Brian asked, as he sauntered over with his package.

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!” Desi cried, ignoring his remark. She stroked the nap of the plush velvet.

“So who’s it for?”

“Did you take leave of your brain? Alicia, of course!”

“You’re buying a
baby
a Christmas present? What for?”

“Because I want her to have it. She should have something special on Christmas Day.”

“What’s the matter with a rattle or a doll?”

Desi rolled her eyes in exasperation. “I’ll get her something like that too, but this is—is—” She groped for words. “Oh never mind. Just imagine her in this dress. She’ll look precious. I can get her some of those lacy white socks to match and maybe a red velvet bow for her hair.”

He flipped over the sales tag and let out a low whistle. “You’re going to have to rob a bank to pay for it.”

She fingered the tag and swallowed hard. It
was
very expensive and would take a chunk of her Christmas money. Her mind raced. Maybe she could make something for her grandparents—Grandma would rather have something homemade anyway. And she could pick up a house plant for her mother and a wicker basket to put it in … She held the dress higher. “I’m going to get it for Alicia. It’s
too
perfect to pass up.”

“Well if you want my opinion—”

“No thanks.” Desi stepped around him and found white lace tights instead of socks. She paid for everything at the register while Brian made himself
scarce. She was looking for him when he came up behind her.

“Here. Give her this from me.” Brian thrust a small bag into her hand.

“What is it?” She opened the bag and pulled out a plush, stuffed frog. “This is for Alicia?” His generosity touched her.

“To help make up for all the frogs we’ve dismembered in biology.”

She laughed.
“Who
dismembered?”

“All right, all right, O great scalpel wielder.” He bowed elaborately from the waist. “Anyway, a new dress is okay, but I think she needs something to cuddle. Actually everyone does, you know.”

Christmas music floated above them. Beautiful displays sparkled with holiday colors from every countertop, and crowds of people swirled around them, but for a moment, looking into Brian’s eyes, Desi felt they were the only two people in the busy store. Her heartbeat quickened. “Where to next?” Brian asked.

“I thought of something else I want to get for Alicia,” she said, seeing a notation she’d made on her list. “We’ll find it in a card shop.”

“You’re going to give her a Christmas card?” Brian questioned, bewildered. “I
know
she can’t read yet.”

“No, silly. I’m going to get her a baby book.”

“What’s that?”

She worked her way through the crowds in the
mall toward the nearest store specializing in cards and stationery. Brian dogged her steps. “It’s a book that records stuff about your baby—weight, length, tooth-cutting info, first words, steps—that sort of stuff.”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “My mom has one of those for me. What are they good for?”

“Maybe she’ll want to know all those things about herself someday.”

“But shouldn’t her mother be writing those things down?”

“I don’t know anything about her mother except that she abandoned Alicia. I doubt she’d do much for her baby book.”

“Yes, but—”

“But nothing. I’m keeping a baby book for her, and that’s that.”

Brian shrugged. “You don’t have to bite my head off.”

“Sorry.” Desi realized she shouldn’t have grown so irritated with him. He was trying to be helpful. How could she expect him to understand her feelings for Alicia? She came to a shelf filled with keepsake books and leafed through several. “What do you think of this one?” She held it up for Brian’s inspection.

“Cute teddy bears,” he told her, all the while studying her.

“I like it best,” she announced, feeling uncomfortable
under his gaze. “Let me pay for it, then you can buy me that lunch you promised.”

At the food court Desi sat with the packages, watching shoppers bustle past, while Brian bought food. Desi saw Corrine among a group of girls, laughing and talking. She recalled the hours and hours she’d spent over the years with her former best friend. Corrine was purposely avoiding her. She never called anymore, and they rarely spoke at school. Quickly Desi averted her head, not wanting the girls to see her sitting alone.