Bad Girls (40 page)

‘Absolutely,’ Daniyel said, nodding. ‘We can’t apologize enough for everything that’s happened. And I know Amber’s doctor has referred her to an outpatients programme.’

‘I’m going to go for treatment every day,’ Amber said to Daniyel. ‘I just can’t stay here any more.’

‘Oh, I do understand,’ Daniyel said sincerely, taking both Amber’s hands in hers. ‘You’re a sweet, sweet girl, honey. We just all want the best for you, and it’s really soon to be discharging yourself. I mean, you came here in a pretty bad state.’

Tony nodded.

‘You talked all this over with Dr Raf, and you’re still sure you want to go?’ Daniyel asked, her brows drawn together in concern.

‘Oh, yes,’ Amber said quietly. ‘I talked everything over with Dr Raf.’

‘Amber!’ Dr Raf wrung his hands together. ‘I
can’t
carry on treating you – you have to understand that! To put it simply, you wouldn’t be able to confide in me – to tell me things that perhaps you’re ashamed of, or don’t want to –’ he winced – ‘don’t want to tell to a man with whom you’ve been sexually intimate.’

‘But I can’t be treated by Dr Lucy!’ Amber protested. ‘You know I can’t!’

Dr Raf looked even more agonized. ‘No, I suppose you can’t,’ he said helplessly.

‘So what am I supposed to do if you can’t treat me, and I can’t see Dr Lucy?’ Amber insisted.

‘I couldn’t bring in another therapist,’ he said, his dark eyes haunted. ‘Not at this stage of treatment. It would look so strange, and you would have no continuity.’ He hung his head. ‘I’ve thought about nothing else, Amber. You have no idea how much you’ve been on my mind. Even this awful situation with Joe and Skye – normally that would be obsessing me. But all I can focus on is how I’ve let you down.’

Oh no!
Amber’s heart sank.
I was hoping he meant he was thinking about me so much because he really has feelings for me
. . .
not because of letting me down
. . .

‘You haven’t let me down!’ she said desperately. ‘You haven’t!’

‘What I’ve done has broken every rule of good practice,’ Dr Raf said sadly.

‘But wasn’t it –’ Amber leaned forward in her chair and touched Dr Raf’s knee. He jumped as if she had scalded him – ‘wasn’t it wonderful?’ she persisted. ‘How can something that feels that good be a mistake?’

‘That’s probably just what Joe and Skye thought,’ he said bitterly.

‘Oh, that’s not fair!’ Amber protested. ‘You can’t say that’s the same thing!’

Dr Raf took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes with his palms so hard that when he looked at Amber again, the whites of his eyes were streaked with red.

‘No, it’s not the same thing,’ he said. ‘What they did only involved a betrayal of the celibacy pledge they made when they came to Cascabel. What I did – having sex with a patient – is much, much worse than that.’

Amber wanted to scream with frustration.

‘Amber,’ he continued, ‘you think you have feelings for me because of your transference. I assure you, those feelings simply aren’t real.’

‘They
are
,’ Amber said defiantly. ‘I
know
they are. Believe me, I’ve been with men before when I didn’t feel anything for them. I know the difference. What I feel for you is real.’ She shook back her hair from her face, confronting him with all her beauty, daring him to look at her and deny what he felt. ‘And what you feel for me is real, too. I know it is.’

‘Amber,’ he said bleakly, ‘this is the last time that you and I can ever be in a room together, alone, again.’

Amber had never felt pain like this. It was as if he had stabbed her in the chest.

‘But then I can’t stay here,’ she said in a tiny voice, willing him, with everything she had, to contradict her; to realize that he couldn’t bear to have her gone from Cascabel.

‘No, you can’t,’ he agreed instead, and it was as if the knife was turning in the wound. ‘I can arrange for you to enter another residential programme—’

‘No,’ she said instantly, her green eyes flashing with anger and the wish to hurt him as badly as he’d hurt her. ‘No more residential places. After all, what if a doctor there takes advantage of me like you did?’

His handsome face went white, the skin seeming to draw tighter over his strong bones.

‘I deserve that,’ he said quietly.

‘I’m going to ring my mother,’ Amber said, standing up, ‘and ask her to get in touch with Tony. He can sort everything out. It sounds like he’s good at that.’

‘I’m concerned about you going back to live with your mother,’ Dr Raf said worriedly. ‘After your past history of drug abuse together, is that wise?’

‘What I do now is none of your business,’ Amber said coldly. ‘You’ve made that very clear.’ She turned towards the door.

‘And do you even know this Tony?’ Dr Raf was on his feet too.

‘More than I know you,’ she snapped. ‘At least he’s not going to tell me he doesn’t want to be alone in a room with me! Quite the opposite, I imagine!’

‘
Amber
. . .’ He looked devastated. His hands rose to reach out for her, before he realized what he was doing and dropped them again, shoving them in his pockets to keep him from making the same mistake again.

Great, she thought. I’ve hurt him as badly as he’s hurt me. I’ve slid the knife in just as deep. Funny, though – I thought it would help me feel better to see him suffering this badly. And instead, it only makes me feel worse.

‘Here we are!’ Tony gloated, as the Lexus, after winding its way up a series of narrow little streets, houses clinging to their sides precariously, pulled in at a short driveway that led into a small walled courtyard. He jumped out, striding round the car to open Amber’s door, nodding to the driver to bring her suitcases. ‘You like it?’

Amber looked up at the pretty white two-storey stucco house, trellised with jasmine. ‘It looks lovely,’ she said truthfully.

Tony beamed. ‘Your mom seems really happy here,’ he said, as the front door opened and Slava appeared on the doorstep.

‘Amber!’ she cried, holding out her arms. ‘
Láska!
I miss you so much!’

Slava had adapted her style for LA’s warmer weather effortlessly. She was wearing beige linen trousers and a cream silk short-sleeved blouse, her necklace of big cultured pearls fastened choker-style around her neck to conceal the wrinkles. Her ash-blonde hair was freshly styled, and her fingernails were painted coral, the same colour as her toenails, which were peeking through the pewter leather sandals on her feet.

She looks great, Amber thought. And, despite everything that had happened, she found herself running towards her mother, arms outstretched, a gulp catching in her throat. Slava was the only constant in her life, the only person who had always been there for Amber.

‘
Matka
!’ she cried, hugging her mother tightly. ‘Oh,
Matka
, I missed you too!’

Without Matka, I’d be completely alone, Amber thought, breathing in her mother’s familiar Rive Gauche perfume. She could scarcely count Tony; sweet as he was, he didn’t know her at all.

‘You’re happy here,
láska
?’ Slava pulled back, looking up at her tall, beautiful daughter. ‘The sunshine, it’s lovely! And Tony is so kind, so nice!’ She smiled widely at Tony, who was hanging back politely to give mother and daughter a chance to reunite.

‘I’ve made a lot of changes,
Matka
,’ Amber said quietly. ‘I need to sit and let everything settle for a while. And we need to talk about everything that went on. We need to make some changes together.’

Slava’s eyes flickered away from her daughter’s serious, direct gaze. ‘You’re all better,’ she said brightly. ‘And we are happy – we have no money worries – you have a nice boyfriend – what needs changing here?’

She waved at Tony, the heavy rings on her fingers catching the sunlight. Duly summoned, Tony loped up to them.

‘I’ll leave you two ladies for the moment,’ he said. ‘Let you show Amber round the house, Mrs Peters.’

‘It’s a
lovely
house,’ Slava cooed.

‘Amber –’ Tony looked at her – ‘I have to fly back to Houston tomorrow, first thing. Can I take you out to dinner tonight?’

How can I say no?

‘Sure,’ Amber said, as Slava pinched her encouragingly with the hand still wrapped around her arm.

‘Great! I’ll pick you up at eight!’

Tony bounded down the courtyard and into the Lexus.

‘He’s like Tigger,’ Amber observed.

Slava wrapped her arm through Amber’s and led her inside.

‘Look!’ she said, gesturing around them. ‘Look! Beautiful!’

The house was built around a Tuscan-tiled central atrium, with a cluster of ferns in the centre to catch the sunlight that poured in from the skylight overhead. A staircase wrapped around the atrium in a dramatic sweep, and as Slava led Amber under its curve, they entered a glass-walled sitting room, beyond which water glittered against the bright blue tiles of a small oval swimming pool.

‘I see you’ve made yourself comfy,
Matka
,’ Amber said affectionately, squeezing her mother’s waist.

Slava had re-created the cosy nest she had made for herself in the Mayfair flat: an upholstered loveseat was drawn up close to the flat-screen TV, with a stool in front of it for Slava’s legs to rest on. A tangle of knitting wool and needles was coiled up on one arm of the loveseat, and on a small side table next to it was Slava’s embroidery box and wooden petit-point frame.

The TV was tuned, naturally, to a daytime talk show, an earnest group of women sitting on a curving couch, leaning into each other as across the bottom of the screen ran the caption: ‘Should Jennifer take Joe back after these latest shocking revelations? Go online to let us know what YOU think!’

‘I am very happy here,’ Slava said complacently, sinking into her favourite seat. ‘The sunshine, it’s good for my bones.’

‘It’s lovely,’ Amber said, walking over to the garden door, surveying the garden beyond, with its swimming pool, twin loungers, and landscaped patio. They were high up in the Hollywood hills, and beyond the low stone wall, the ground dropped away, providing a stunning view of the canyons below.

‘I want to stay here,’ Slava announced, picking up her knitting.

‘I’m not surprised,’ Amber said wryly, turning to look at her mother. ‘I would too. But,
Matka –
’ Amber hesitated, trying to work out how to word what she needed to say – ‘everything’s up in the air for me right now. I have to work out what I want, where I’m going.’ She took a breath. ‘I’m off the pills, you know that. And they say I shouldn’t drink any more, either. I have to go to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, and to my therapy.’

‘Good!’ Slava said, working away with her needles, half her attention already on the TV screen. ‘That’s good, yes?’ She winked at her daughter. ‘It costs less, too. Doctors are very expensive.’

‘Yes, it’s good,’ Amber said a little hopelessly. ‘
Matka –
’ she dropped onto the arm of the loveseat, forcing her mother to look at her – ‘they say when you’ve been addicted, everything needs to change. That means not just me, but us. You and me. We’ve been living in a really unhealthy way.’

‘I need my Vicodin,’ Slava said sharply. ‘For my back, I need it.’

She never had back problems, Amber thought unhappily. She made them up to justify popping the pills. But there’s no point arguing. Dr Raf always said in group that people can’t hear anything till they’re ready to take it in. And
Matka
is definitely not ready.

Sighing, she stood up. ‘I’m going to have to do a lot of thinking,’ she said quietly.

‘
Láska
?’ Slava said, her voice wavering. ‘I do some thinking too. I am wrong to tell you to go to Dubai. I see that now. It is too much. I tell you things I should not tell you.’ Tears began to form in her eyes. ‘I put too much on you, on your shoulders. When you get sick, I understand that, and I feel really bad.’

She held her hand out to Amber. ‘You forgive me?’ she said, dabbing at her cheeks with the other hand. ‘All I want is for you,
láska.
All I do is for you. I am so sorry that I make you so upset.’

‘Oh,
Matka
. . .’ Amber dropped to her knees beside her mother, taking Slava’s hand, holding it to her cheek. ‘Of course I forgive you! When I think of what you’ve been through to look after me, how could I ever blame you for anything?’

‘I love you,
láska
,’ Slava said through her tears. ‘I just want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. And maybe marry Tony. He’s a good man.’ Slava wiped her eyes. ‘He likes to look after people. That will be good husband. Believe me, I know. I had bad husband. I see the difference.’

‘
What!
’ Amber exclaimed, dropping Slava’s hand. ‘We hardly know him! Besides, I met him when he paid to have sex with me!’

Slava shrugged. ‘Lots of men pay to have sex,’ she said matter-of-factly. ‘It means nothing.’

‘Oh God . . .’ Amber took a deep breath. ‘I’m going to unpack and have a bath,’ she said firmly. ‘And then I might have a rest.’

‘You could swim,’ Slava said, waving at the pool. ‘They clean it yesterday. Very nice pool.’

‘I’ll see,’ Amber said, her fingers to her temples, massaging away an incipient headache as she left the living room.

I need to stop living with
Matka
, she thought. She’s going to drive me insane in a week. No wonder I popped all those pills – I’d have been in a mental ward otherwise. But how would
Matka
ever cope without me?

And what on earth am I going to do about Tony?

‘You like it here?’ Tony asked anxiously as he seated Amber. ‘It’s kind of simple, but my PA says it’s where all the movie stars come to be romantic.’

‘It looks lovely,’ Amber said, glancing around her at the brick walls, the wooden tables, and the low-hanging, golden globe lights that gleamed off the stained-glass panels in the patio windows of the restaurant on Laurel Canyon Boulevard, just ten minutes from what, for now, she supposed she should call her home in the Hills.

‘Welcome to Pace,’ said the waitress, putting down the menus on the table. ‘Everything’s organic here, and our vegan soup today is carrot and coriander. Can I get you anything to drink?’