Beautiful Burn (19 page)

“
Mel,
don't do this.” I took long strides to reach her, then stood
frozen. The look in her eye was angry, unpredictable, wild.

“
What
have I got to lose?” She shrugged and applied more pressure.

“
Everything!
You have everything to lose! What about your parents? Your brother?”

“
I
have nothing! You were my everything and you left. I lived for you!”
She spit as angry tears filled her eyes.

“
You've
only ever cared about yourself! We were too young, Mel. We thought we
had the world figured out, but we're not good together.”

“
But
I love you,” she simpered. That familiar seductive look used to
drive me crazy with desire, now it turned my stomach. How could I
have been so foolish to fall for her over-glossed lips and carefully
rehearsed lines?

“
We
fought every day for the last two years! Why would you want to live
like that?!” My brain short-circuited and all I could think about
was ending this, pulling off the metaphorical band-aid and cutting
all ties with Mel. “These vindictive games have to stop, Mel.” I
ended softly as I took the knife from her hand.

Her
face fell before she padded around me in bare feet and curled up on a
corner of the couch. “Will you stay? I need someone to talk to. I
don't have anyone, Reed.” She sobbed into the soft cashmere throw.

“
I
can't, I have a thing tonight.”

“
Please,
I need you. Just one last night. I just need to talk about this, I
know you want a divorce, I know we've been fighting so much, but when
I lost you, I couldn’t think straight. All I could think about was
getting you back.”

“
That's
not going to happen, Mel.” I sat on the couch next to her.

“
Why?”
She squeaked through a sob.

“
It's
just not.” I said quietly. She didn't answer, only tucking herself
in my lap. I froze, before relaxing and giving her the closure I knew
we both needed. It'd been a long time coming.

An
hour later and I was still rubbing Mel's back as she slept quietly,
partially sprawled across my lap. I grit my teeth as the sun fell in
the sky and afternoon turned to evening. I fished my phone out of my
pocket and opened a message for Auburn and typed:
Bad
news. Can we talk?

Uh oh. Not
gonna make it?

I hated
disappointing her, hated that I couldn't see her tonight, hold her,
lose myself in her alluring scent and curl up in a king bed with her.
I gently adjusted Mel off of my lap, and after making sure she was
still sleeping, ducked out the front door to call Auburn. She picked
up on the first ring. “What happened?” Her voice sounded years
away over the phone.

“
Mel
is having a really tough time. I hate to do this, but I have to
cancel tonight. I’m so sorry,” I finished, disappointment leaving
a hollow tone in my throat.

“
A
tough time?” The sadness in her voice carried across the phone
line.

“
She
asked me to stop by, she said she needed help, but I found her, well,
she's not herself, and she had a knife. I'm just afraid if I leave
her alone tonight...I'm afraid of what she'll do.” I held my breath
waiting for the explosion, the indifference, anything. I knew she
should be more than fed up with this by now. She deserved someone
that made her their everything and no mater how badly I wanted to,
that's something I couldn't give her, not yet.

“
I
understand,” she finally said, sadness permeating the phone line.

“
I
was looking forward to tonight so fucking much,” I mumbled into the
phone, part frustration, part yearning
f
or
the girl on the other end.

“
It’s
okay. Just make sure things are okay there. We’ll do something
soon.” Her voice raised an octave at the end. Hopeful. She was
trying to give me hope.

“
You’re
so good.” I breathed as I sat on the porch step.

“
Yeah?”
I could hear the smile in her voice.

“
I
don’t deserve you.”

“
I
know.” She laughed and my heart sped to a gallop.

“
I
need to see you,” I growled, finally letting the frustration get
the better of me.

“
Miss
me?” She flirted.

“
So
fucking much.” I pressed a hand to my head, feeling a headache come
on.

“
Maybe
next weekend?”

“
I’ve
got to go to my sister’s and help them put on a new roof before
winter.” I clenched my eyes closed and brushed a palm through my
hair, exasperated with the entire situation.

“
The
following?”

“
I'm
attending a teaching conference in Detroit with a friend. I committed
to it, fuck I wish I hadn't. And then the following is Thanksgiving…I
could come after class some night during the week? Wine and dine
you?”

“
Drive
three hours just for dinner? You’d have to turn right around after.
No, it’s okay. We can figure something out. I'm usually out of
class early on Fridays, or I can take off early sometime.”

“
No,
you’re not skipping class to see me. Absolutely not.”

“
You
can't tell me what to do.”

“
I
like telling you what to do.” The hum that came in reply sent a
lightning bolt straight to my balls. “Fuck, I wish you were here
right now.”

“
God,
me too,” she murmured before I heard rustling on the line.

“
Where
are you?”

“
In
my bed. My hands are between my legs.”

“
Jesus,
Auburn. How wet are you?” My fists tightened and my muscles ached.
I was wound tight, desperate for release, desperate for Auburn.

“
God,
Reed. I'm drenched.” Her breathing picked up.

“
What
are you wearing?”

“
Auburn!”
A third voice called as I heard a loud banging on the door.

“
Fuck.
Just a second!” She called to whomever had interrupted us. “I
have to go, I’m sorry. I’ll call you later?”

“
I
don’t know how long I'll be here. I'll text you,” I finished,
defeated by the night's sudden turn of events.

“
Okay,”
she said quietly. Her friend called her again. “I have to go. Bye,
Reed.” She hung up before I could even return the sentiment. I
tossed my phone on the floorboards and threw my head back, frustrated
and horny and feeling suffocated, exactly like I’d been six months
ago. Mel had gotten the best of me again, I knew it, and she knew it,
but I couldn’t walk away when she was so vulnerable. I knew what it
was like to feel all alone with no one to talk to, and no matter how
much I hated her, I still cared enough to stay, if only for tonight.

I
stood and tucked my phone back in my pocket, my mind spinning ways to
escape with Auburn, if even just for a few hours.

The
Wednesday before Thanksgiving we texted throughout the day. I knew
she was coming home for the holidays, would be right here in town, we
had to make something work, we both hoped so, but it would be tough.
Between her
family obligations and my own, squeezing out a few private hours
could be nearly impossible.

My
parents spent the winter in Florida, but always came home for the
holidays. They normally stayed a few nights with Mel and I, we had
dinner at our house with both sets of parents and a dozen or more of
us with siblings and all, but this year was much more sad than
anything else. My mom made a full Thanksgiving meal for just the
three of us in my too-tiny apartment. They didn't ask questions, I
think they finally realized there was in fact not a light at the end
of the tunnel for Mel and I.

Thanksgiving came
and went, quiet disappointment heavy in the air. With my parents
retiring early in my room, I settled in to read an essay by a
sophomore student when a text came from Auburn.

I’m outside.

My heart
tightened, my stomach dropped.

Really?
I
typed and hit send.

I needed to see
you, just for a minute. I promise.

Be
right down.
I
responded and rushed to slip on my shoes and jacket as quietly as
possible. I took the steps two at a time and turned the corner, my
eyes scanning the street for her form. The tiny town was silent, the
November wind crisp enough to bite the nose and pink the cheeks. I
shoved my hands in my pockets and took a few steps, rounding the
corner in the alleyway where Auburn and I had fucked so carelessly
this summer.

It all felt like a
dream now.

“
Hi,”
her voice carried on the wind and landed as soft as angel's wings on
my ears.

“
Come
here.” I opened my arms and she ducked into them as I tucked us
into the shadow of the building so even if someone did pass by we
would remain out of sight.

“
I've
missed you so much,” I mumbled into her hair, relishing in her
scent. My eyes closed as I slipped away with her, just the two of us.
We could escape, leave everything behind and just be happy, maybe in
Europe. London or Rome, Paris in the winter. My heart screamed at me
to run upstairs and pack a bag, but my head knew that I couldn't run
from this.

Auburn’s
shoulders quivered in mine, I wasn’t sure whether it was the cool
temperature or sobs wracking her frame. Maybe it was both. My heart
felt big enough for the two of us.

“
I
can't do this anymore. I’ve tried, I really have. I want to be
there for you, and what you’re going through is so much harder than
anything I’ve ever experienced, but this just hurts too much.”
The words fell out of her mouth in a tired jumble.

“
Jesus,
I know. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t give her excuses. There weren't
any to give. I wanted to be with her just as much as she wanted to be
with me. There was just no way around it. “This isn’t fair to ask
you, and I understand if you won’t, but just give me a little more
time.”

Auburn
pushed away from me, shaking her head. “I can't.” She swiped at
angry tears on her cheeks. My heart broke as I watched her's crack
and splint.

“
You
deserve so much better.” I paused as my heart roared in my ears,
deafening my final words. “I can’t lose you.” I placed warm
lips on her forehead as I held her cheeks in my hands. Her head shook
angrily, eyes clenched shut avoiding my gaze. “Just a little while
longer. I have to make sure Mel is okay. I'm afraid if she got the
papers right now, it would break her. Believe me, I would have left
for good three months ago. That night at the lighthouse, I could have
left with you right then. If I was younger, unattached, but I’m
not. I have to close this chapter in my life before I can start
another one.”

“
God!
I know!” She screamed and tossed her arms in the air. “I just
hate being that girl!” She swiped at stubborn tears. “I feel like
I'm nagging you, begging you to choose me!”

“
But
don’t you see?” I screamed finally losing it right there in that
shadowed, dingy alley. “I can’t choose you!” I yelled and
thrust my hands through my hair before stalking deeper in to the
alley. Her footsteps followed before I heard her stop. I turned to
face her again, “If I choose you, Mel could destroy both of us!
She’s angry and vindictive and her dad is on the school board! All
it would take is one false accusation and she could destroy me! If I
choose you, chances are really fucking good I’ll lose my job, even
though you’re not my student, of age, and been gone for years! So
you see Auburn, I can’t choose you. And the fuck of it is, you have
my heart, so that means I can't choose me.” I finished, breathless
and defeated. The relief that followed my tirade was bittersweet when
I saw the look of utter loss on her face. “Jesus, I'm sorry.” I
went to her, encased her in my arms and let her sob into my jacket.