Beautiful Illusions (21 page)

Now I was feeling like I was going to throw up
.

“That was where I came in
. I was friends with Ryan before he moved in with Rochelle, the lady who took him in. I was also friends with Nick. Ryan didn’t tell me what was going on, but I strongly suspected it. So, I begged Nick to let Ryan come and stay with him and his family. My own family was in turmoil – my mother and father were divorcing at the time, and my sister was 15 and pregnant. If my family wasn't so messed up at that time, I would’ve taken him in. So Nick sneaked Ryan out of the house one weekend when Rochelle was gone – I think she was playing golf somewhere – and Ryan went to live with Nick and his family.”

She smiled. “I wish I could’ve seen the look on Rochelle’s face when she got home and Ryan was nowhere to be found. That would have been priceless!
”

She continued. “Rochelle ended up pulling her account, she was so angry that Ryan had left. And Benjamin was also very angry with Ryan, but he didn’t know where Ryan had gone to live
. He hired a private investigator to follow Ryan home from school, and he soon found out where he was. However, Nick had told his mother and father what was going on at Ryan’s home, and they helped Ryan get a restraining order against his dad.”

She smiled. “Nick’s father was an attorney, and a good one at that. He wanted Ryan to go to the authorities, but Ryan was afraid to do that
. Anyhow, Benjamin was also afraid that Ryan would rat him out, now that Ryan had support from others. See, Benjamin controlled Ryan, because he isolated him from others. He didn’t allow Ryan to get support outside the home. Benjamin made a mistake allowing Ryan to go with Rochelle, because he lost control over him.”

Benjamin wasn’t so smart after all, I thought.

Alexis continued. “Anyhow, Ryan stood up to Benjamin, and threatened to turn him in. Benjamin wept, stating that he was sorry for all that he did. Ryan ended up not talking to the authorities about his dad. His father reinforced his silence by giving Ryan the de Kooning and the Cezanne.”

“I’ve never seen the Cezanne.”

“Ryan lent it to an art museum in Paris.”

Mystery resolved.

“So, it had a kind of a good ending. Nick’s father helped Ryan get into Harvard, and Ryan stayed there at Nick’s house throughout his high school years. Ryan literally became like a second son to Nick’s father, and Nick literally became like a brother to him.” She sighed. “So, of course, they were best friends at Harvard, and they lived together all four years there. Ryan was doing drugs the whole time at Harvard, and Nick is, and was, as clean as a whistle. Nick wanted no part of Ryan’s drug habit.”

She now looked ashamed. “I, of course, did want a part of the drug habit
. I feel so shameful about it now, but we were like Sid and Nancy back in the day.” She smiled after seeing my face. “Well, an Ivy League School Sid and Nancy, but you get the idea.”

I nodded my head, understanding her gist. There
were Sids and Nancys everywhere, apparently, not just on skid row.

“So, you see, Nick means a lot to Ryan,” she said. “An awful lot.”

“But I don’t understand why they can’t just be friends.”

“Well, the other is something that cements their bond
. It brings them closer together. I know, I didn’t really understand it so much, either. I did come between them a few times, though, if you know what I mean.”

“Ryan and Nick are into that?”

“Sure. I mean, I was Ryan’s girlfriend, and Nick definitely likes women, too, so he really didn’t mind my joining in the fun.” She smiled, apparently at the memory. “Good times.”

“What’s Nick like?”

“He’s light, where Ryan is dark. Sandy blonde hair, green eyes. He’s Irish, too, like Ryan - his last name is O’Hara.”

“Is he as handsome as Ryan?”

“Well, nobody is as handsome as Ryan. Ryan could stop traffic on a busy highway. But, Nick holds his own. He’s very handsome in his own right.”

“He seems like a nice guy, too.”

“He’s a very nice guy. But he doesn’t take shit from nobody. He does not suffer fools gladly. I think that Ryan was able to break away from Benjamin mainly because Nick let Benjamin have it. Ryan was afraid to tell the authorities, but Nick wasn’t. If Ryan would’ve given the word, Benjamin would be in prison right now, instead of living off his family’s billions for the rest of his life.”

“So, Ryan stopped Nick from going to the authorities?”

“Oh, yes. Nick wanted Benjamin to fry for what he did. But Benjamin was still dad to Ryan, the only biological father that Ryan ever had. Of course, Nick’s father became Ryan’s surrogate father, so at least Ryan had some kind of benevolent father figure.”

I was shocked, too shocked to say anything but “Wow.”

“Yeah. Anyhow, as I was saying, Ryan is the nicest guy that I’ve ever known. He really is as thoughtful as he seems. After all he has gone through in his life, he should be hardened and mean. But he really isn’t.”

She shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes. “I blew it with him
. Of course, I know that he told you about Paul, but Paul was not the first. I was cheating on him from the start, really. I don’t know why I was doing that, except that I was suffering from bi-polar disorder, and didn’t know about that disease – I hadn’t been diagnosed at that time. I didn’t know that one of the signs of bi-polar was that you could become very sexually promiscuous.”

She looked at me. I tried not to look judgmental
. “Of course, that probably sounds like an excuse, but I couldn’t help myself. I mean, as you probably know, Ryan’s libido is pretty healthy. He gave me all the sex that I wanted or needed. But I just needed even more. It was a high for me.”

She sighed, heavily. “Anyhow, I blew it. I tried to make amends. Believe me, I tried
. But Ryan just couldn’t trust me anymore, so it was over. We had a tough time after we broke up for good and got divorced. I hated him, and treated him terribly. We had vicious words for one another. I was irrational, and I blamed him for the breakup. I justified my affairs. I told myself that Ryan drove me to these affairs, somehow. But, of course, he didn’t. None of it was his fault.”

I looked at her, remembering the threatening conversation that she had on the phone with Ryan not six months ago, that morning when I stayed over at his house
. What changed? How had they become friends again?

As if Alexis read my mind, she said “Ryan and I have managed to get past the animosity. He helped me get stabilized on the right medication
. He went to my doctor’s appointments with me, and stayed with me for the first week that I got the new medication, to make sure that I was taking it the way that I should. And I have to admit, it’s helped. Ryan would’ve been there for me, all along. I just had to stop fighting him and ask for his help. Which I finally did.”

I smiled. This was sweet
. She was sweet. I kind of saw that in her all along, but now I understood that she really was a good person. She was just sick, herself.

She looked at me. “This is where you come in.”
Okay…
  “Listen, I blew things with Ryan, completely. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, except be friends with me. I know that now, and I’ve accepted it. But you….” She looked a little rattled, shaking her head rapidly. “He’s crazy about you. I mean, crazy about you.”

Still? Even after he kicked me out?

“I don’t understand. Why does he like me so much?”

“He doesn’t like you. He’s in love with you. He told me that he felt like he had been struck by lightning at the moment he met you.”

I blushed. “Why?”

She shook her head
. “No offense, but I’m trying to figure that out myself. But, all that I know is that Ryan is completely in love with you. He told me that he fell in love at first sight. So, I guess it does happen, after all.”

I thought about him singing to me softly “I loved you the first time I saw you, and I always will love you, Marie.
”

“I don’t exactly treat him well.”

“No, you really don’t,” Alexis said, honestly. “I mean, I understand why. Here’s this guy, this drop-dead gorgeous guy, and he’s crazy about you, and he has been from the first. I can understand why you don’t trust it.”

She went on. “But please, listen to me
. I’d give anything to be in your shoes. To have him love me again. But that isn’t going to happen. I really just want him to be happy, now. I shit on him, repeatedly, and I can’t take that back. But what I can do is to get you back together with him. That’ll be my way of making amends for all that I have done.”

My heart went out to her. She really did seem sincere
. I sighed. “So, I should go to his house and try to talk to him?”

“Number one, that’s your house too.” I looked at her, perplexed
. “I know, I know, it seemed like he threw you out, but he was hoping that would be temporary.”

“He hasn’t even tried to call me. I’ve been at my mom’s house for almost a month now.” I was incredulous.

“About that…” She went on. “Well, to be sure, Ryan didn’t call because he didn’t want to pressure you. But also…”

But also, what? What now? 

“Ryan is in Los Angeles right now. He’s at a facility there in Beverly Hills.”

“What kind of facility?”

“A mental health facility.”

What? What the fuck…did my leaving devastate him that much?

Again, Alexis read my mind. “It wasn’t all because you left. I mean, that contributed to it. But, mainly, it was because Ryan had repressed a lot of what happened, and it started coming back to him. I just found out some of the details, myself, when I visited him at his house before he made the trip to LA.”

I sighed with relief. I would’ve been devastated to have been the cause of that much pain for Ryan. That I wasn’t the one who drove him into a mental health facility relieved me greatly.

Alexis continued. “I mean, I knew about the father, but I didn’t know the details about the sex parties and all the details about Rochelle. Ryan, himself, didn’t remember about all that until a few weeks ago. Once he started remembering, the floodgates opened, and he had to check himself into a facility. It isn’t a hospital, though. It’s a beautiful, manicured facility that more resembles a resort than anything else. Ryan e-mailed me pictures of this place.”

“How did he start remembering about Rochelle?”

“Well, of all things – he saw her. At a fundraiser. She shook his hand, and she wears a certain type of perfume. She had always worn the same type of perfume. When he smelled it, it all came flooding back to him. He started processing everything in his journal that night. He said that he wrote in his journal all night, then called into work the next day, and wrote in a fever throughout the day. He never calls into work, so, for him to do that – he must have been thrown for a loop.”

“Do you think I should go to LA to see him?”

She looked at me “Duh! Listen, Ryan’s in that place right now thinking that you want nothing to do with him. He thinks that you can’t handle his relationship with Nick.”

I just stared at her.

She continued. “You can handle his relationship with Nick, can’t you?”

“Yes,” I answered truthfully
. Hey, bisexuality happens. I wouldn’t be the only woman in the world who’s dealing with this. Even John Irving had written a book about the topic. “Yes,” I repeated. “I can deal with his relationship with Nick.”

“Then what are you waiting for?”

“Uh, what do you want me to do? I mean, he’s in the hospital right now, right?”

“Here.” She produced a confirmation number for a plane ticket, one way, to Los Angeles
. “You can use this confirmation ticket to leave at any time. I left it open for you, because I know that you don’t necessarily have a ton of flexibility and can leave at any time.”

Now I was dumbfounded
. “Did you buy this ticket for me?”

“Yes, but don’t worry about it. As I said, I owe Ryan a lot, and I’ve put him through so much. It’s the least I can do for him. Oh, and it’s one way, because I would imagine that Ryan will be flying you home on his private plane. That’s how he got out there.”

I blinked. Private plane. Holy mother of god. I wondered how much he really got from his father to buy his silence.

“I’ll pay you back.”

“For the last time, don’t worry about it.” She was looking kinda pissed now. “Why’re you so insecure about things that people try to do for you?”

I don’t know, maybe because nobody has ever done these kinds of things for me?

“Ok, then, I won’t pay you back.”

“Thank you.” She looked at me meaningfully. “Now, listen to me. If you hear nothing else, if you take nothing else away from this conversation, know this. Ryan’s in love with you. He doesn’t fall in love easily. I think that I’m the only other woman that he has ever loved. Now, don’t question it anymore. Just go with it. He isn’t going to hurt you, he isn’t going to lead you on, and he will never, ever cheat on you. With a woman, anyhow. You have a good guy there. Stop blowing it with your insecurities.”