Beautiful Pain (23 page)

“
Sooner or later I will see him then I can tell you if he is good enough for you,” muttered Ramona staring at her Tom Tom while trying to find the way to her hotel.

“
Well I am perfectly capable of deciding if he is good enough for me, thank you very much.”

“
I am not so sure, sugar plum. You have been locked up for too long, so you cannot recognise the good guys that are bad for you.”

Sophia didn’t say anything else, she didn’t want to dwell on this discussion. They arrived in front of a swanky looking building within half an hour. Ramona checked in, left her vehicle in the car park, and suggested they going out for a drink. Sophia wasn’t working the next day so she agreed. They were going to Dublin tomorrow morning for a short trip, so they couldn’t have a late night. Recently Ramona had opened a tattoo studio. She was always very productive, but was never interested in finishing a good school.

After changing her outfit, Sophia took Ramona to the best bar in Belfast. Following a few drinks, Ramona filled Sophia in on the news from London. She talked about her recent trip to Scotland and her romance with a local farmer.

“
My mother went to see your mother the other day,” Ramona said, sipping her cocktail and switching the subject quickly.

“
And?” asked Sophia feeling her stomach tighten with uneasiness.

“
Well, you know Michelle. She didn’t even mention that you are in Ireland. She still keeps pretending that you are working with your father.”

Sophia shouldn’t be surprised; her mother just needed to keep a certain image and her sister didn’t need to know that her daughter refused to work with her own father.

“
How are you anyway? Have you had any crisis?”

Ramona’s voice was gentle and she was asking if Sophia had used the knife again. Her cousin’s light brown eyes gleamed with anticipation, but Sophia didn’t want to ruin her stay.

“
I am fine. Gee, Ramona, can you stop being like my mother?” she muttered.

Ramona narrowed her eyes and exhaled.

“
Come on, I am just fucking worried right. I am only asking, don’t be in a mood with me.”

“
All right, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have said it, but stop asking if I cut myself again or not. I am fine and tomorrow we are going to Dublin to have some fun,” continued Sophia, finishing her drink.

“
Wow, girl, I like that new confident you. Yeah, come over after ten and then we’ll shove off.”

“
Fine. I am looking forward to seeing Dublin.”

“
So tell me, have you been going out a lot with your old friend Vanessa?” Ramona continued her questioning.

“
I have been out yes, but not that often. I am slowly making progress, trying to adjust to freedom.” Sophia sighed. Ramona giggled, looking impressed.

“
I was hoping that you would, but I still can’t believe that your parents haven’t dragged you back to London yet.”

“
Maybe they are trying to let me decide what to do with my life.”

“
Nah, I don’t think so. I expect them to show up here soon,” said Ramona, licking her lips.

“
Ram!”

“
I am sorry, I am only winding you up. You are right, it’s a work in progress.”

“
Yes it is. I feel better being here on my own,” admitted Sophia.

“
I have been telling you for years that you needed to get away from London, but you never listened,” added Ramona.

They talked more, and around midnight they decided to call it a night. When Sophia was walking back to the apartment she felt much more relaxed. The conversations with Ramona were always intense, but she was glad to have her cousin close again. Before she went to bed she received a text message from Mason. She was planning to introduce Ramona to him on Sunday, but she wasn’t looking forward it. Ramona was always very judgmental of everyone and it was difficult to please her.

Vanessa had a busy weekend ahead of her working; she was still sleeping when Sophia left in the morning. It was a cloudy day as Sophia entered Ramona’s hotel. The girls had a quick breakfast in the restaurant and then they got into Ramona’s car. Sophia never learnt how to drive; she was going to have some lessons before the day that her mother found her, but after that everything fell apart.

The journey wasn’t supposed to be long. Dublin was only a two hour drive from Belfast, but the traffic was bad, so it was early afternoon before they got to Dublin. The girls checked in the hotel and decided to spend all day walking throughout the town taking pictures. They visited a few museums and galleries, famous pubs, and Malahide Castle. Finally, in the early evening, they sat down and enjoyed a cocktail in a funky bar in the city centre. Ramona, as usual, ranted about what was happening in London, about the fact that she finally needed to settle down with someone. Sophia knew that this wasn’t going to happen anytime soon; her cousin always wanted to have fun and she’d never had a serious relationship before. She liked her freedom too much.

“
I’ve got to tell you something,” Ramon said unexpectedly as they were enjoying a quiet drink in one of the bars in the centre of Dublin.

“
What is that?”

Ramona hesitated and Sophia looked at her intensely. She never hesitated to say anything.

“
Your father came to see me the other day.”

Sophia instantly felt that she needed more air. Her father had never spoken to Ramona about Sophia, but he knew that they were close. Ramona brought back some unexpected, bad memories from the past for Sophia.

It had been three months and twenty one days since I was brought to the hospital. My days were filled with stupid and pointless exercises that weren’t helping. My doctor thought that I was making progress, but I felt empty all the time, my body is filled with drugs. I couldn’t think straight. I felt dizzy and unwell.

I didn’t have panic attacks anymore, but my anxiety came and went. Mum still pretended that we were all a big happy family, but Dad didn’t visit me at all. He was probably ashamed of me. I was not sure what to say to my mother when she came to see me. My mind was filled with thoughts about afterlife, about the place where I could breathe. I was treated like some kind of freak in a cage. I kept asking my mother when l would be allowed to leave but she never responded.

During a session with my doctor I aimed to open up about what went wrong. I told him everything. He knew about the pressure and the grades, and he knew that I was not happy. I am not sure if he mentioned anything to mum or dad. I didn’t blame them for what had happened to me because they wanted to be the best for me.

Doctor Williamson asked me to work on breathing exercises, but instead I locked myself in the bathroom, stripped, and stared at my scarred body for several minutes. I heard the other girls in the ward; they were whispering that I made myself look ugly so that no one would ever want me. Deep inside me I wanted to do it again, because I knew when I would be allowed to get home my mother would want me to get back to a normal life. She probably filled her rich friends with lies about me, she wouldn’t tell them the truth. Dad didn’t even acknowledge that I had a problem. Mum kept saying that he was busy in the office.

Some nights I dug my nails into my skin and when I saw the blood everything was perfect again, but in the morning the nurse just shook her head and said that I had to start all over.

“
Why would he want to see you?” she asked finally, but her voice was husky. She had to push away those memories. The past didn’t matter anymore.

“
I’ve got to tell you this, Sophe. He behaved like he knew everything,” she muttered, tossing her red hair behind her.

Sophia’s heart was pounding in her chest, her father was in London. He had no idea what she was up to.

“
What do you mean that he knows everything?”

“
I don’t know how, but apparently he knows that you met that prison leaver outside the office and he doesn’t like it. He told me to tell you that you have to stop embarrassing yourself.” Ramona paused and finished her drink in one go. “I asked him straight out about this, but he just told me that he always keeps an eye on his girl. Then he laughed and left. I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Sophe.”

“
I can’t believe this,” Sophia breathed out, clenching her fists. “Someone must have said something to him or he hired someone to follow me.”

Her mind was racing and her palms were damp with sweat. How could he know that she’d seen Harry outside probation? She was miles away from home, unless he’d hired someone to keep an eye on her. Her father was capable of doing things like that.

“
I don’t get it, why would he waste money on that? He knew that you were fine. Maybe he knows someone who works with you and they saw you with your prison leaver.” Ramona smiled, but Sophia wasn’t laughing. Suddenly her body felt numb and the hair on her skin shot straight up. Was it possible that her father had a contact in Probation?

“
I think I am going to be sick,” said Sophia, pushing away the food. She’d completely lost her appetite.

“
Don’t be sick, mon chere. I told him that if you are seeing someone then it’s progress for you. Oh, and also I told him to keep his big fat Arabic nose out of your business,” added Ramona, looking proud of herself.

Chapter Twenty Four

“
Oh my God, you didn’t?” hissed Sophia.

“
Of course I did, he got slightly mad and told my mother that I was crazy,” she chuckled. Sophia covered her face in her hands. If her father knew that she was seeing the offender who she was supposed to be working with, this was the end of her.

“
I think I should go back to London, otherwise he might even show up here to ...”

“
No,” said Ramona, raising her voice. “You are staying here and introducing me to the guy that made you come during your first sexual experience.”

Sophia went completely red when a woman that was sitting next to her looked at her, raising her eyebrows with disgust. Ramona just didn’t care that people could hear her, and Sophia wanted to bury herself under the table.

“
We are no longer seeing each other and there is no way I am going to introduce you to him after what happened in the lobby. We are meeting Mason for dinner on Sunday and that’s the end of this conversation,” said Sophia firmly, trying to calm down. She looked around, feeling paranoid that someone was watching her.

Ramona pursed her lips together, looking wound up. Her cousin was living on the excitement. She was arrested last year because she was caught having sex in the toilet cubicle of a coffee sho
p.
She just didn’t care about the consequences.

“
Oh, mon chere, you are so boring, I think he could be the best person for you, that Mason sound so plain”

“
Then why do you even hang out with me?”

“
Because I love you and you need a great friend like me. Besides, let’s forget about what I said and let’s hit the club tonight. I read in the guide that this city has an awesome dance club,” continued Ramona. Sophia wouldn’t even try to change Ramona’s mind about going out later. She couldn’t miss that kind of opportunity to have fun.

After the meal, feeling slightly tipsy, the girls went back to the hotel. Sophia had a shower anxiously wondering if her father was really doing what she suspected. Then she got ready, straightened her hair, and put make up on. Ramona, as usual, had a very short ivory dress on, her red hair was styled in a bob. They didn’t know much about the Irish city, so they went to the city centre and found a few clubs that Ramona wanted to check out more closely. Once they were inside she kept buying Sophia shots of vodka. They had a really good time, dancing and getting drunk until late. Sophia didn’t remember much of that night. Her head felt heavy and her mind was buzzing when her head touched the pillow.