Beautiful Pain (20 page)

“
I just need to know if you are serious. You know that I can’t handle this if you’re pranking me now.”

“
I am serious, but this isn’t a good story, it doesn’t have a happy ending.”

“
Any story is a happy story, mon chere. Now I am getting excited to hear about this guy, so you better start talking right now. Otherwise I am getting on the first available plane to Belfast,” she threatened.

Sophia took a deep breath. She couldn’t just hang up now, but she knew that her friend was going to be upset that she didn’t call her earlier.

“
His name is Harry and I am his probation officer. He got under my skin straight after the first meeting and from there onwards it was just wrong ...”

Chapter Twenty

Sophia talked for about half an hour, telling Ramona about everything that had happened since she came to Belfast. She even mentioned today’s day on the beach and her first ever orgasm. She didn’t reveal Harry’s secret, because that was too dangerous and she couldn’t tell anyone about what he’d shared with her.

“
I can’t believe that you’re being such a bitch,” yelled Ramona. “Hiding all this from me!”

“
Can we not make this about you, Ram? Right now I am the one in pieces,” howled Sophia, unable to stop her tears.

“
Stop being a wimp you idiot and tell me how does he make you feel?” snapped Ramona and Sophia stopped sobbing. Her friend was right, she had to pull herself together.

“
I feel good being with him. I don’t have any panic attacks and I don’t feel like I am drowning again, but this is so wrong, Ramona. He hardly knows anything about me. I didn’t tell him anything about London. He wouldn’t understand.”

“
Bullshit, he doesn’t sound like a guy who wouldn’t give a fuck. You let him go further than anyone else and it’s a huge step for you. Maybe you shouldn’t write him off straight away. Just tell your supervisor that you don’t want to work with him and then you will be free to do whatever the fuck you want.”

“
It’s not that easy.”

“
Oh my God, Sophia, you are such an idiot. You live in a bubble. Not all people are bad. Just give him a chance.”

“
Please don’t shout at me.”

“
I have to shout at you, otherwise nothing gets inside that stupid brain of yours,” pressed Ramona, irritated.

“
There is nothing more to say. I won’t see him again. We are both completely different people that can’t be together.”

“
He made you come for the first time in your life and you are going to pretend that nothing happened between the two of you?”

“
I don’t know, but I am certain that I have to go out with Mason to erase my memories of Harry completely.”

Ramona laughed.

“
And what are you going to do after you and Mason get close? Are you going to run away like you did with Harry?”

For a few moments there was silence. Sophia wasn’t sure how to answer any of these questions. Ramona knew everything about her past, about the long therapy, and now Sophia was ashamed that she’d cut herself after the date with Mason.

“
I am not a mind reader, so I don’t know what is going to happen.”

“
Sophia, you are beautiful, but you have to stop hiding. I am coming over earlier than I originally planned.”

“
What? When?”

“
The first week of August,” announced Ramona.

“
That’s two weeks away. I need to ask Vanessa if she will be okay with you staying.”

“
Don’t worry about that. I can afford to stay in a hotel. Hopefully by the time I get there you will have sorted out which guy you want to date. Personally I think you should come clean and tell whoever you are choosing about your issues and the therapy.”

“
Just let me know when you will be boarding the plane,” said Sophia, ignoring Ramona’s advice.

“
Sophia, I love you, but you have to stop being a baby. They are men, they will want to sleep with you. The scars are just part of you now.”

“
All right, Ram, I know but you know me. I don’t like talking about me. Anyway, I need to go now.”

“
Whatever, Sophe, we will get back to this conversation once I see you. Take care of yourself and give him a chance.”

Sophia hung up. She wasn’t sure if she should listen to her cousin. Her scars were humiliating, her past damaging. She was leaving Belfast for good in two months’ time anyway. She was certain neither Harry nor Mason would follow her. Maybe it was better if she chose not to date; it would save her hassle and tears.

Twenty minutes later she heard voices in the living room. She’d completely forgotten that Vanessa was finishing work early today and Timothy was coming over. She had to say hello; she didn’t want to be rude since Vanessa had obviously made the decision to see Tim again.

She left the room and went to meet them. Vanessa introduced her to Tim, who apologized about his earlier meeting. Vanessa mentioned that Tim was going to cook dinner and when she asked Sophia about her day she waved her off, saying that they could talk about this later. Sophia couldn’t ruin everyone’s good mood. She wasn’t prepared to talk about it in front of Timothy.

As she talked with Vanessa’s boyfriend, she learnt that he was very intelligent, the complete opposite of Vanessa, and as the evening progressed he relaxed. Vanessa looked happy, but Sophia knew that she still didn’t trust him. Later on in the evening she said to Sophia that they are working on their friendship. Sophia wasn’t quite sure how this was going to work when she heard that Tim was sleeping in Vanessa’s room.

***

Sophia decided to delete all the messages from Harry since she hadn’t replied to any of his texts. After a few days he stopped calling and texting all together. She couldn’t face him. She was going into work and dreading the day of his review. She was safe this week, but she didn’t know what she was going to do next Monday.

During her lunch hour, she had a phone call from Mason asking her if she was all right to go out with him on Thursday. Often Sophia found out that she couldn’t say no when people wanted something from her.

“
Have you got any plans?” she asked, biting her lip.

“
We can go to the cinema first and then for a nice walk,” he suggested.

“
Yes, that sounds good. What time are you going to pick me up?”

“
I am not going to drive this time. I will ring you at eight.”

That was it, and she didn’t even know why she agreed to go. Harry was still haunting her and she felt bad that she left him not explaining anything at all. He had shared everything with her, all of his deepest secrets. She couldn’t judge him if whatever he was doing was morally wrong or right, but she wasn’t prepared to share this with anyone else, even if it meant that she was going to lose her job.

Every time her mind reminded her about his touch, she shivered and the ache between her legs returned, leaving her unable to concentrate. Was she going mad? She couldn’t think straight in work. She kept seeing other offenders, asking them about their personal life, but deep down she felt empty and dejected. The work didn’t give her satisfaction anymore. She couldn’t possibly fall for Harry O’Donaghue. He was everything that she didn’t want and wasn’t looking for.

Two days passed and Sophia kept thinking that Harry had probably changed his mind and wasn’t going to contact her anymore. When she came home on Thursday afternoon Vanessa had taken a day off.

“
Someone was here to see you,” announced her friend, smiling. Sophia put away her grocery shopping.

“
Someone?”

“
I think this was the guy that you were telling me about, Harry O’Donaghue?”

The colour drained from Sophia’s face and she felt like there wasn’t enough air in her lungs.

“
He was here, oh my God! What did you tell him?”

Vanessa arched her eyebrows.

“
You just missed him, he left ten minutes ago. He wanted to speak to you. And oh, he told me to pass a message on to you.”

“
A message?” she repeated.

“
Well he said that you have to stop running from your fate and he that he was going to be back. He seemed pretty determined … and oh boy he was cute.”

Sophia felt dizzy, she had to sit down and think straight. She covered her face with her palms. She was sure that he wouldn’t pursue her, but she was very wrong. Harry wasn’t the kind of guy that would just let it go. It was clear that he wanted her but Sophia left him hanging.

“
Are you going to tell me what is going on? Why are you avoiding him?”

She lifted her eyes and looked at her friend. Vanessa didn’t know about her dark, demonic past.

“
We went out for a date.”

Vanessa giggled.

“
A date, Sophia? That’s amazing! I thought you weren’t going to see him.”

“
The date was good and we got on with each other great, but what happened after that scared me off. He kissed me downstairs in the lobby and I kissed him back. Then I realised that it didn’t make much sense. The whole date was inappropriate and wrong, so I told him that I wasn’t going to see him anymore outside the probation.”

“
Obviously he didn’t take it well?” said Vanessa.

“
He didn’t want to listen, so we had a fight. I just don’t want to get involved with someone that I won’t have a future with. Besides, I will be leaving Belfast in over two months.”

“
You sound like some woman that is looking for a husband. Have some fun and think about the consequences later. He probably wasn’t even expecting anything from you.”

“
I can’t just get on with it, Vanessa. He is the kind of guy that I can fall in love with and then I could ruin everything. My whole career. If anyone found out about this I could forget working in that kind of environment. There is too much risk.”

“
So you want to stay a virgin for the rest of your life?” hissed Vanessa. Sophia rolled her eyes. There was so much more she wanted to tell her, but it was too early and it wasn’t right to pull her into her dark world.

“
I’ve got another date with Mason. We are going out tonight,” Sophia blurted out.

“
Are you kidding me? You are going out with Mason just to forget about Mr. O’Donaghue?”

“
I am doing what you are telling me to do, I am going to have fun,” she replied angrily. She’d had enough of this conversation already.

“
I think you are making a big mistake. Mason is cute and cool, but I don’t know … I prefer Harry.”

“
Thank you very much for your opinion, but I’ll do whatever I think is best,” she said and left the room. She was angry with herself for not telling Vanessa the truth. She was just a coward. Vanessa came back to her room an hour later, apologizing that she was insensitive and said that she’d ditched Paul, the guy that she was seeing. Later on she told Sophia that she should do what was best for her. It was her life and if she thought that Mason was the right guy for her then she wished her good luck. Harry made her feel special and she really wanted him, but for tonight she was going to be with Mason and she was going to kiss him.