Beauty in Disguise (20 page)

“Kathryn...”

“No, I do not put any blame or any wrongdoing on you. How could I? I could only
know
what I was doing.”

She wiped the tears off her cheeks; she was beyond caring what he saw or thought anymore. She just needed to get through the telling of it. “Lord Salford was introduced to me at a ball you did not attend. He seemed terribly old to me, but I thought him handsome and he paid me pretty compliments. I thought no more of it that night. The next time I saw him was at the opera, and as I look back, each time he...importuned me, you were not in attendance. Had I any brains, that would have spoken volumes to me.”

Somehow the noise of the carriage and the horses disappeared as she went back in time, remembering it as though it were yesterday. “It was no more than two weeks before he began to declare himself in love with me. Sometimes he frightened me with his impassioned pleas, and then sometimes he was gentle.”

She did not know whether to tell him this next part, but they were both adults now, and it might make him understand a little better. “I would sometimes mention you as I looked for you in a crowded room, and I know now that is when he realized he might have to go through you first. He began to point out the parties you did
not
come to as signs you did not really want to be with me. He asked if you ever told me I was more beautiful than any other.” She laughed, a hysterical sound. “He said it ad nauseam, but I did not see it then.

“He said he would die without me. He asked if
you
ever told me that. I was young, but I knew right from wrong. I was tested and I failed. God has shown me that.”

“Kathryn, what have I done?” He reached over to take her hands. “How could I have been so blind?”

“My lord, I knew on my first night alone, after he left me, that your feelings, whether love or not, were the more real and, therefore, the more worth having.” She pulled her hands away to get her handkerchief from her reticule, to blow her nose and wipe her eyes. “It was too late by then. He convinced me that my father would not grant him permission to marry me.” This time she actually laughed
at
herself. “Somehow, it never occurred to me to ask him myself!” She finally turned to look at him. “He convinced me to elope, and I knew it was wrong all the while. I got what I deserved. For a while after that, I wondered if I could have really loved you if I would let him tear me away. But life went on, and I realized I had no idea what
real
love was at seventeen.”

She dabbed at her eyes once more then put the handkerchief away. “I do not blame you, I do not blame my father, and I am tired of the what-ifs. I can only wonder at how long it will take you, my father and...God to forgive me.”

She knew he wanted to talk further, but she needed to focus her attention now on meeting with her father. “My lord, if you do not mind, I would like to rest a bit before we get home, to my father’s.”

“Kathryn, I will let this go for a time. You know what you saw and felt during that time. You do not know what I saw and felt. I cannot let it end here. I will not press you further today, however.”

She turned her face back to the window, her heart engulfed in sadness.

She believed she had just driven away the only man she could love,
for the second time.
She knew now she loved him. A deep, all-encompassing and mature love. He had treated her as he did when he came back to Trotton out of hurt. She knew that, and he had put that time behind them. Asking for her forgiveness made her realize how much deeper this love was than any she felt when she was but a child.

But even should he forgive her for the past, she could not ruin him. Should she reappear, it would only dredge up the old scandal, and she would not put him through that.

As they got closer, she began to fear seeing her father again. Lord Dalton said that he wanted to see her, but even if his anger had abated over the years, would their relationship ever be as close? Would she ever be a big part of his life again? Would he forgive her if she pleaded with him?

Would she ever stop living in fear?

“Kathryn, I must warn you—that is to say, prepare you before we arrive.”

“Prepare me for what?”

“Your father has been ill, Kathryn, for quite some time.”

“Ill? Why did you not say so? What is his sickness?”

“I did not tell you before because he made me promise not to. He did not want you to visit him out of pity. Now that we are almost there, I can truthfully tell him you chose to accompany me.”

“You are scaring me. What is wrong with him?”

“He had a particularly violent attack of the influenza more than a year ago. It moved into his lungs, giving him pneumonia. In his weakened state, he could not fight it off.”

“How bad is it, my lord?”

“I cannot say, in all honesty. From what I saw, I do not believe his doctors were treating him urgently enough, but I do not know that for a fact. My main purpose in telling you is so that you will be prepared for the way he looks.”

She bit her lip to keep it from trembling.

“He has lost weight and appears...frail, I suppose. I hope to see him somewhat improved, if he has begun to recover properly. Even then, however, he will not be as you remember him. And you must not forget, even were he in the best of health, he is nine years older, so he would be different in appearance.”

“Thank you for telling me the truth.” Another horrible result of her actions long ago. She would not think the worst; she could not without falling apart completely. If they were truly reuniting in forgiveness and apologies, she would show him the happiness she felt. She would not hurt him any more.

As they turned into the gate, a flood of memories came rushing back. She closed her eyes.
Father, I am taking You at Your word from now on. You will use both good and bad in my life. But I know You hear my petitions. Do not let him die. After all of the time we have missed, please give us the chance to love each other again.

The coach stopped at the door, and Lord Dalton helped her out. The front door opened, and Kathryn smiled with pure joy. She ran and threw her arms around the staid butler, who did something he had never done before. He hugged her back.

“Oh, Donaldson, how good it is to see you.”

The butler choked out his own, “Miss, you’re a sight for sore eyes.” Realizing his mistake, he bowed. “I mean, my lady.”

“It can be Miss or Kathryn or anything you like, Donaldson!”

She noticed, as Lord Dalton handed him his hat and gloves, that the butler mumbled, “I’m sorry about your last visit, my lord. God bless you.” Lord Dalton shook his hand. She heard him speaking low to the servant, but as scared as she was, she ran to the stairs and ascended to the upstairs bedchambers. She knocked on her father’s door, and Hendrick opened it as Lord Dalton joined her.

“Oh, Hendrick, it is so good to see you. I am so glad you are taking care of him— I could not imagine a better person. Can I come in? May I see him now?”

“Kathryn,” Lord Dalton whisperded, “I sent a note earlier saying we would be here today, but he may be resting or need some time to prepare...”

“It is quite all right, my lord. His Lordship is sitting up comfortably and is waiting to see you both. We don’t know how to thank you, sir.”

“Say no more. It was for all of us.”

Kathryn wondered at the words, but could not take the time now to consider them. She preceded Lord Dalton into the room, but she stopped suddenly, afraid of what she might see. She felt Lord Dalton take her hand in his, and they approached the bed together. The windows were all open, and the room was flooded with the late-morning sun. As she approached, she saw him and could no longer hold back the tears. She ran to the bed and knelt at its side.

“Father, oh, Father,” she cried, “I am so sorry.” She grabbed the hand he held out to her. She kissed it and clasped it to her, crying now in earnest.

She noticed Lord Dalton speaking to Hendrick, then moving toward the door. She wanted him to stay there with her, but her father began to speak and she did not get the chance to call him back. Hendrick came up behind her with a chair, and she pulled it close to the bed. She thanked him with her smile.

“Kathryn, Kathryn, my beautiful Kathryn,” her father wept. He could not stop saying her name, and they both were unable to manage any other words for several moments.

“Father,” Kathryn said, when their emotions were better under control. “I have been such a disappointment to you. All you ever did was love me, and I stomped on it and hurt you.” She could not look at him. She laid her forehead against their clasped hands. “I wished for you so often, Father. You will never know how often.”

“Kathryn,” her father said, pushing her face up with their entwined hands so he could look into her eyes. “Hasty words spoken in anger drove you away from me. I am so very sorry.”

Lord Dalton had been correct. Her father was a shell of the man he had been the last time she had seen him. Her tears were a mixture of lost time and fear for his life. She wanted everything to be easy for him now. Nine years had slipped away, and she just shook her head.

“You must let me speak. I was such a fool. You took me to London and showered me with clothes and gifts to make me feel beautiful among all the other girls. I never appreciated it as I should have. I just accepted it all as my due, what a parent was supposed to give their child.”

“My darling girl,” he said, but she would not let him speak. He could forgive her or not, but he would know the whole truth, then he must get well.

“When Mother died, you and I began to share everything. Miss Mattingly helped me tell you things I thought were too personal to share with you. And you listened. You just held me when there was nothing to say, or you talked to me until I was comfortable again.

“But in London, I stopped sharing my new experiences with you, thinking I was all grown up. And I left you behind. I was stupid and young. I did not realize the love and guidance I had in you.

“Please,” she pleaded, tear-filled eyes imploring him, “please say you forgive me. You never have to see me again, but please say you forgive me for the mess I have made of my life...and yours.”

“I have loved you more than my own life since the day you were born, Kathryn. That has never changed. You were forgiven long ago, my love. I have missed you, too.” He had to lay his head back against the pillow, but he did not stop looking at her. She threw off her cloak and lightly touched his forehead. She was relieved there was no fever. “You need to rest now.”

“No, Kathryn, I have been resting all afternoon. Sometimes I just cannot catch my breath. It goes away much easier now.”

She wanted him to be quiet and still his breathing for a few minutes, so she sat back down and put her head on his hand as she held it tightly. “Father, all I ever wanted was to please you. You were so sad when Mother died. She was so sweet and giving. I always wanted to be like her. Her gentle and quiet spirit filled us both with peace more times than I can remember.”

She heard his quiet shushing sounds as he rubbed the back of her hair with his free hand.

“When she died, you started to teach me...oh, everything. You taught me how to treat the servants with respect and kindness, not just Miss Matty. And you taught me to ride, so I could be with you no matter where you were on the estate. As I got older, you helped me understand the running of an estate as well as a household. I learned everything from you, and I never once thanked you. I took you for granted.”

She kissed his hand and the words just kept pouring out, as if from her very soul. “And then when we went to London, I wanted you to be proud of me, but I was young and immature, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to be popular.” She lifted her face to his again, looking into eyes as blue as her own. “You never taught me that. You taught me to please God, and pay no attention to what others thought.

“But in London I was overwhelmed. It seemed everyone knew everyone else. I felt a little alone. And you gently guided me at the beginning, teaching me Town ways as you had country ways.” She had stopped crying. She had been storing these words away for nine years. Kathryn wanted him to understand her feelings completely.

“I remember my first party and how you stayed by me when I was scared, and you knew when to shoo me on my way to meet friends my own age. And once that began, I pushed you to last place. I did not want all of my new friends to think I was a rustic. I was often afraid to be myself, though that is what you, and God, would have had me do instead of acting like a spoiled debutante. I lost sight of everything that was important to me for a while.”

“Have you forgotten, my daughter, the night you came home from Vauxhall Gardens?” Her eyes opened wide and she thought back. “You came home and ran into my arms, telling me how wonderfully happy you were. We sat on the floor in front of the fireplace, and you recounted each detail. For the first time, you shared your feelings about Lord Dalton. Just because you lost sight of me did not mean I lost sight of you. I had eyes in my head, and I have known your heart since you were a baby. You glowed whenever you spoke of him, and I knew on that night you understood your first feelings of love. You shared that with me, Kathryn. You did not exclude me from what was important.” He sighed. “Could I have been so remiss that you did not know how very proud I was of you?”

“I felt your love—I always did. But I did not appreciate it.” He shook his head no on the pillow, but she stopped him. “Father, I know I did not, because I know now what it is to have lost it.” She began looking past him. “I threw it all away. In my heart, I knew running away would make you unhappy, but I believed him, Father. If I had talked to you about it, I never would have listened to him. I am so sorry. I threw away everything you had ever given me with one decision, and I have regretted it every moment since it was made.”

“My daughter, I am glad you have had your say.” Silent tears rolled down the sides of his face. “You were my world. Did I never tell you? I suppose I did not. But I thought you knew that. And if I had told you that Lord Dalton wanted to marry you that night on the floor in front of the fire, I think you might never have had to make such a decision on your own. If nothing else, you would have decided knowing all the facts.”