Becoming Me (10 page)

And so, I really believe this is for real. I really believe that Jesus is in my heart—right now! And it’s pretty exciting! I really didn’t expect to feel this happy—it seems like just last week I wanted to die. But now I’m looking forward to living—and having Jesus living inside me! This is really great! I’m going to have to tell someone about this—and soon! It’s too much to keep inside. It’s just soooo great!

But now I’m wondering if this all means that I’ll have to start thinking and doing a lot of things differently. You know, become a better person somehow. I’ve heard Clay say that Jesus will help us to change. Man, will I need help. Anyway, this is definitely a day to remember—and I know
it’s a real turning point in my life. I can’t wait to tell Clay!

I’m going to call Beanie and tell her the amazing news—I bet she’ll be shocked! And then, even though it’s not even ten o’clock yet, I’ll go right to bed and hopefully sleep (because I have to get up early since track practice starts at seven in the morning tomorrow). I just hope I can make the team now, and I wonder if God could help me out there? I guess it can’t hurt to ask.

OH, THANK YOU, GOD! THANK YOU FOR LOVING AND FORGIVING ME! AND THANK YOU FOR COMING INTO MY HEART! AMEN AND AMEN!

Mom let me drive
her car to the school to try out for track this morning. I prayed all the way there (not for my driving, but just because I was so happy to have God living inside me!). Then when I showed up for track practice, Mr. Reynolds (the coach) said that Beanie and I could warm up and practice with the team (who had already been practicing for a week or so) and then he’d give us both official tryouts (I think he’s impressed that Zach put in a good word for us).

I practiced my high jump and long jump and then ran a few laps. And then Mr. Reynolds (after timing Beanie in a couple of sprints which she managed to pull off just fine!) came over to check out my jumping abilities. I must admit I was surprised that I could still jump at all, but just the same I wasn’t too sure if I was good enough to make the team (and suddenly, more than anything, I really wanted to!). So as I was standing on the turf staring
at the high-jump bar (set pretty low to start with), I began to pray (not for any superpower ability, but just that I wouldn’t be too nervous, and that I’d do my best) and then I began to jump.

Well, let me tell you, I just kept sailing right over that bar better than I’d ever done before until Mr. Reynolds finally set it at five feet! And I think that kind of threw me off, and then I couldn’t clear it anymore. Disappointed, I walked over to him, ready to hear the sad news that I hadn’t made the team. But instead he just shook my hand and said, “Welcome to the team.” He didn’t even ask to see my long jump or whether I could run or not (which I’m thinking I might prefer not to do). I know it seems kind of silly on my part, but I was so happy I almost cried. Almost!

Then Zach and Beanie and I went out for burgers at lunchtime to celebrate making the team, and I told them about how I actually prayed before jumping, and then I even told Zach about how I’d asked Jesus into my heart last night. Both of them were so excited about the whole thing. I couldn’t believe how much better I feel being friends with these guys than I ever did with Jenny and the rest of the bunch.

I guess maybe sometimes you just need to sample some unpleasant things to understand how much better the other things are.

I know it seems incredible, and I can hardly believe it myself, but this has been one of the best weeks of my entire life! It’s especially amazing when I consider how less than three weeks ago, I was seriously considering suicide as an answer to my messed up life. But I think, even then, that God was protecting me.

THANK YOU, GOD, FOR WATCHING OVER ME EVEN WHEN I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE THERE.

Track practice has been great all week (hard work and sore muscles, but worth it). And as it turns out, Coach Reynolds is a Christian (I think that’s part of the reason Zach wanted us to come out for track); anyway, he’s a nice coach and really encouraging. And our little team is pretty good too (although I heard some of the kids are gone this week because of spring break). But I really feel like I’m fitting in with everyone on the team, and getting to know some new kids.

Nathan Parker (remember, my Valentine’s Dance date) is on the team too (he throws discus and shot put), and he actually said hi to me today. I said hi back, but nothing else. Not that I’m trying to be unfriendly, but somehow I don’t really care if I don’t have anything to do with that particular group of kids anymore. It’s like this big heavy weight has been lifted off me just knowing that I’ll never have to perform for those kids again. Let me tell you, it’s so much better just being myself and hanging with people like Beanie and Zach (especially
more so now that I have a relationship with God—which keeps getting better, by the way!).

And things have even gotten better on the home front too. Tonight (of all things) my dad has actually invited my mom to go out on a date with him. Pretty funny. But she agreed, making no promises for anything more than just dinner. I’m glad she’s going though. I was starting to get worried that her resistance might actually push Dad straight into Belinda’s arms. The truth is, I’d like to see my family get back together, eventually. Even now, I’m working on forgiving Dad (although it’s not easy). He’s even called and talked to me a couple of times now where I haven’t actually hung up on him.

I thought about telling him that I became a Christian, but somehow I couldn’t do it. The timing didn’t seem right. But I will, eventually. Maybe I need to totally forgive him first. To be honest, I’m having a hard time with that. But like Zach keeps saying about track and stuff, “all things are possible with God.” (Actually I think he got that from the Bible, but it’s a good promise just the same!)

I almost hate for spring break to end. It’s been so fun (and relaxing not having to be at school). But I think I’m a lot stronger and ready to face things again (Jenny et al). I feel like I’ve really grown this week and I think I can actually walk through the halls holding my head up (not in pride, but just without the old humiliation).

Okay, I’ll admit that it probably doesn’t hurt any that I just got my hair cut (and it looks pretty good—not that I think looks are that big of a deal!). My dad took Benjamin and me to the mall this afternoon (after church) and bought us some things. I got a few new items of clothing which might help bolster my confidence. But let me make this perfectly clear—I am not ever going to turn into that shallow girl I used to be! Still, it’s fun to look nice; and I’m pretty sure it’s not a sin. I mean, just look at all the beautiful green leaves and flowers starting to bloom around us and you have to know that God appreciates beauty too!

So, anyway, I’m ready to go to school with Jesus in my heart and a whole new outlook. And if I see Jenny and her bunch making fun of me, well, I’ll just smile their way and forgive them and keep minding my own business. Maybe someday I’ll even get a chance to tell them how God can make their lives a whole lot more fulfilling!

Just when I think my life has taken a huge turn for the better (and not to say things aren’t greatly improved with God in my life) it just figures that life can never be completely perfect. Still I’m determined that I am not going to let this get me down.

Okay, here’s what happened. After a fairly decent day (where I could actually walk down the halls without feeling like total scum, and telling myself that I belong to God, and refusing to worry about what Jenny and her
clique may or may not be saying) I go down to the girls’ locker room with Beanie and I’m sort of rejoicing that I made it through this day. And so we get all dressed down for track and jog out to the field, where it’s sunny and nice, and who’s the first person I see warming up on the track?

None other than Josh Miller, all ready for practice. (It turns out he’s on the track team but had been out of town during spring break!) Well, my eyes just about popped out of my head when I saw him there stretching out his calf muscles. My first instinct was to just quit the team, right then and there. In fact, I actually froze in my steps, turned around, and started to head straight back to the locker room. But Beanie chased me down, and with the help of Zach (who was just coming out), they managed to talk me out of quitting.

So they walked me over to the high jump pit (like I was crippled or something) and there the two of them stuck by my side, practically holding my hand, until I regained enough composure to start doing some warm-ups. Naturally, Zach didn’t know anything about what had gone on between Josh and me, and so Beanie quickly gave him the lowdown. Then Zach informed us that Josh was Harrison High’s star runner. (Or rather, had been for the past few years, but it seemed that a certain newcomer from Seattle planned on giving that Miller boy a run for his money!) Since starting high school, neither Beanie nor I had ever paid that much attention to the track team, so this was news to us.

Now I’m thinking maybe it’s a good thing that I didn’t know, for I never would’ve joined the team. Even now, I’m almost wishing that I hadn’t. But like Beanie says, “It’s not fair to let a selfish, two-timing boy frighten you away from something that you really want to do.” I do want to stay on the team, and by the end of last week my jumping had really improved, Coach Reynolds even said so. I just wish Josh Miller would suddenly sprain an ankle or something (okay, that’s probably wrong of me, but I just wish he didn’t have to be around to spoil everything for me!). And just when it seemed I was getting over him. Will I ever get over him?

DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME. I WANT TO FORGET THAT I EVER CARED FOR JOSH MILLER. BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO NEED SOME EXTRA HELP. CAN YOU PLEASE LEND A HAND?

A weird thing happened tonight. I’m still not sure what it all means, but I know I need to give it some more thought. It all started when Zach took Beanie and me to the mall after practice tonight. (Beanie and I had decided we needed to get new track shoes for our first meet, which is tomorrow, by the way).

And since (only by the grace of God, I’m sure) I’ve managed to stay on the track team without having to actually speak to Josh (although I’m pretty sure I caught him looking at me at least twice). Somehow that makes me feel slightly better to know that he’s looking, because
then I get some satisfaction out of completely ignoring him. It might not be the nicest thing to do, but under the circumstances, I think it’s somewhat understandable. But let me get to the weird thing that happened tonight.

After Beanie and I bought our shoes (Zach, by the way, was very knowledgeable in helping us make the best choices), we decided to grab a pizza at this new place right next to the mall (we figured we’d start storing up our carbos for tomorrow’s meet, and I still had a few bucks from my dad, so I offered to treat). So, we’re all sitting happily in a booth, and I happen to look up and see my dad sitting just a couple booths away, but he doesn’t notice me.

Well, I figure the proper thing would be to get up to go say hello. After all, he and Mom seemed to have had a pretty good time on their “date” last weekend. And he’s been calling her every night. I’m walking over there and he looks up and sees me, but he gets this sort of horrified look on his face, and suddenly I realize what’s up.
He is there with Belinda!

Now I’m just a few feet away and I don’t know what to do. Should I turn around and go back? By then my dad’s recovered enough to wave me over to his table, smiling as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to have your daughter catch you eating dinner with “the other woman.” So I continue to his table, thinking maybe I’m wrong, maybe he’s just with a business acquaintance (I mean I’ve never seen the woman before). But no, he introduces her as Belinda Lithgow. And I note right off
that she is 1) sort of youngish (maybe in her twenties) 2) a pretty redhead, and 3) looking at my dad like he’s Mr. Wonderful!

Well, it’s more than I can handle and I just abruptly walk away without even saying how do you do? or goodbye or anything. When I get back to my table, Beanie and Zach notice immediately that something is definitely wrong. My hands are shaking and I’m close to tears. But we’ve already ordered our pizza so I know we can’t just leave. I explain what happened and the two of them are sympathetic and supportive, and by the time our pizza arrives, my dad and his “girlfriend” are leaving.

Now, I’m getting all angry and furious, and I start to bluster about this Belinda chick, saying, “How can she do this? She knows he’s married and yet she’s willing to break up our whole family just to have him,” and lots of angry stuff like that.

Finally, Beanie reaches over and puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on her, Caitlin. I mean, remember when you went after Josh Miller knowing full well that he and Jenny were still together?” Well, that sure shut me up fast. Not that I greatly appreciate Beanie’s comparison (and it’s not like Josh and Jenny were married), but then again I guess she does make a valid point. Thankfully, Zach changes the subject, and I decide not to hold anything against Beanie—even if it did hurt my feelings a little. (I know we’re supposed to keep forgiving each other. We talked about that in youth group last
week—seven times seventy—which is supposed to stand for infinity or something really huge like that.)

Now I’m sitting here in my room, thinking about how Beanie was probably right. I mean, I suppose I was a little bit like Belinda. And, man, if that doesn’t make me feel lower than dirt. To think that Belinda and I actually have such a despicable thing in common is truly a shock to the system (not to mention totally humiliating). I guess I shouldn’t judge her so much. I still don’t feel like I can forgive her—I don’t even know if I can forgive Dad. To tell you the truth, all this forgiveness business has me just a little bit worried.