Becoming Me (19 page)

I placed third
in high jump today (not too bad, all things considered). After my event was finished I hung with Beanie who was being brave and cheering Zach on, who, by the way, outdid himself. Zach took first in two races and second in one. Poor Josh didn’t even place. I was glad for Zach (although at the same time slightly perturbed that Beanie was bearing her troubles alone). But when Zach wanted to take us out to celebrate, I started to decline until I saw the pleading look in Beanie’s eyes and realized that this was part of standing by her, and so I agreed.

Now if I had realized that meant Josh was joining us too, I might have said forget it. Not that we were having a date (at least not in my mind), but it felt a little like it just the same since I had to sit in back with Josh. But instead of getting all worked up, I just turned and asked him what Jenny was doing tonight. He made a glum face
and said they were’nt getting along too well just now, and that he didn’t know why he’d ever gotten back together with her (which I hoped wasn’t a lame try to regain my affections!). Just the same, I didn’t make any more inquiries, but instead tried to focus my attention on Zach and how well he’d run his races today. I think that made Beanie happy, and somehow I managed to survive our little celebration dinner.

Then Beanie came over to spend the night at my house (she’s asleep already; I think being pregnant makes you really tired). But we stayed up pretty late talking too. She said her mother didn’t call to check on her last night, so she figures she doesn’t care and is probably glad to be rid of her. I just can’t imagine how that would feel if my mom wanted to be rid of me. Poor Beanie, and just when she could really use a mother’s love. Apparently it went okay with Aunt Steph last night. We’ll see how it goes. Beanie used to dislike Aunt Steph, but she’s watched her change in the last six months and I think she’s appreciating her more than ever. And Beanie said she’d really like to baby-sit Oliver this summer, and how that will help get her used to being around babies. When she said that I felt a chill of shock run through me as I remembered again that by next year, Beanie would have a real, live baby! It’s almost too weird to even think about. And I have a hard time talking about it with her. But maybe that’s where Aunt Steph will come in handy. I still haven’t told Beanie about my virginity vow to God. I kind of think that would be just about the last thing she
needs to hear right now. Poor Beanie.

We had a car wash after youth group today. Both Beanie and Zach participated and everyone was getting all excited about how fun it will be to go to Mexico together and everything. Then I glanced over at Beanie to see this really sad look in her eyes, like her life (or maybe just her youth) was all over with now. And I wondered if being pregnant means she shouldn’t go to Mexico (would it hurt the baby or something?). It’s still just so much to take in.

Afterwards a bunch of us, including Andrea, went out for burgers and Andrea started to jokingly mention something about “our vows” but I managed to stop her and change the subject. I just didn’t want Beanie to hear about that yet. I wondered if there was some way to warn Andrea off without totally spilling the beans. I guess I’ll be relieved when the state meet is over and Beanie can finally tell Zach. Until then, my lips are sealed (as are Aunt Steph’s). Speaking of Aunt Steph, Beanie and I observed her chatting with Pastor Tony (a little longer than seemed necessary). I’m wondering if there really might be something to my suspicions, and now with Beanie staying with Steph, we’ll have a built in spy (not that we’re spying), but I do think it’d be cool if Steph and Tony really hit it off, and I sure wouldn’t mind having Tony for an uncle. He’s had so many sad things in his life—and Steph is really a lot of fun. Anyway, I’ll keep praying for them (to discover God’s will in this regard), and I’m sure
God can work out all the details.

Okay, this takes the weirdness award of the week (as far as I’m concerned). Tonight, who shows up on my doorstep but Josh Miller! Well, I don’t want to be impolite or anything, but I want to know why he came. Of course, the next thing I know, dear Benjamin is dribbling a basketball all over the driveway, loudly begging Josh to play Horse, and, of course, Josh agrees. So I go in the house thinking, Fine, he came over to play with my little brother. Mom looks at me kind of funny, and I quickly explain that I did NOT invite him over, nor am I pleased that he’s here.

Well, my dad overhears part of our conversation and speaks up (in what I’m sure he thinks is a very fatherly way). “Sounds like you’re being kind of hard on poor Josh, Catie.” I look to my mom for help and she just makes a funny face. (I never did tell my dad about why I broke it off with Josh, and now I suspect my mom didn’t either—which she probably thought was what I wanted at the time.)

So I lamely say to my dad, “But I don’t really like him, Dad.”

Then my dad kind of laughs and says. “Well, maybe you need to give the poor guy a second chance. You know we men can make mistakes sometimes.” I want to say, Okay, who are you and what have you done with my dad? but by then Josh is being led through the back
door by Ben who is getting him a soda. I just roll my eyes at Dad then go out to see how I can best get rid of Josh.

Finally I get Josh out to the front porch (a few steps closer to his Jeep) and I ask him, point blank, why he came over here. Big mistake! He immediately starts doing this song-and-dance routine (did I mention well rehearsed?) about how much he cares for me, how he’s missed me, how I’ve hurt him. And finally, just when I’m afraid that I’m starting to fall for it (and I can hardly believe what a wimp I am!), I hold up both hands and tell him to stop, that I don’t want to hear it.

Then I say, “I’m sorry if I hurt you when I broke up, although you seemed to recover pretty quickly by getting back with Jenny—” Of course he cuts me off there, saying how it was Jenny who came after him (which I can believe by the way). But anyway, then I realize I HAVE to tell him about my vow to God, and for some reason I find this awfully embarrassing. But my heart starts to pound and then it’s as if Jesus is standing right by my side, saying, “Go ahead and tell him everything.” Well, I haven’t even told my parents yet, and the windows to our house are all open, and somehow I just don’t want them to overhear our conversation like this.

So, I ask if we take a ride. And he grins big and says, “Sure.” And I’m certain he thinks he’s gotten through to me (and who knows what else he thinks on this warm summer evening). So we start to drive and I immediately tell him (in surprising detail) all about my vow to remain a virgin and how I may not even date anymore. Well, at first
he thinks I’m kidding, but I assure him I’m dead serious. Then he just gets real quiet. And finally he says, “Does this mean you’re going to become a nun or something?”

Which makes me laugh, and I have to admit I was worried people would think that. But I tell him, “No. It’s just something I believe God wants me to do—to protect me. And since I made this vow I’ve been really happy and relieved. And I plan on sticking to it.” So he asks what’s wrong with dating, and I have to explain that it just puts me in a situation where I might mess up on my vow and I don’t want to do it. Then an idea hits me (you see my grandma in Pasadena is a recovering alcoholic). So I say, “It’s like an alcoholic who’s made the choice not to drink anymore—she wouldn’t want to spend any time hanging out at the bar, would she?”

Anyway, he got my point and started to take me back home. Then I said something I never dreamed I’d hear myself saying to Josh Miller. “You know, I really do like you, Josh. And when I was first getting to know you, do you remember how we were just friends. Remember how we talked in the library and stuff?” He nodded.

Then I said, “I’d still like to be friends with you like that.”

He laughed. “It’s never supposed to be good news when a girl says she ‘just wants to be friends with you.’”

I shook my head and said, “But this is different, Josh. Just being friends is a really good thing!” Then I stuck out my hand and we shook to friendship, and Josh made me promise not to tell any of his buddies about this.

And once it was all said and done, it was kind of a nice relief to have a chance to say those things to him. Sort of like no hard feelings, you know. And, who knows, maybe Josh will grow up in time and turn into a strong Christian, and then who knows? But, believe me, I am not holding my breath. And this will not, (in any way, shape, or form) change or affect my vow to God.

Now I get the feeling that I’ll have to tell my parents about this whole thing, and I’m just not sure how to go about it. I mean, it’s not like you just announce to everyone at the dinner table, “Hey, everyone, I’ve decided not to have sex until I get married!” No, I’m sure there must be a better way. I guess I’ll just have to ask God to show me when and how to best do it.

Only one more week
of school. And tomorrow is the state track meet (not that I qualified). But Mom said I can borrow her car to drive Beanie and me up there. Mom’s been a whole lot nicer to Beanie lately. I think it’s because she suspects there’s something seriously wrong between Beanie and her mom (which has resulted in her moving in with Steph). And, since everyone knows Beanie’s mom is sort of messed up, naturally Mom’s sympathy would lie with Beanie. I’m just not sure what Mom will say when she discovers what’s really going on with Beanie (and thankfully, Steph isn’t saying anything just yet). So far, it’s going really well with Beanie and Steph (Beanie’s been watching Oliver a lot for her, and she actually seems to really like the little rug rat—maybe something maternal has kicked in with her). It’s a relief having Beanie in a safe place. I was afraid she was about ready to lose it, and I think Steph is good
medicine.

I still can’t believe that Beanie has managed to keep her secret from Zach. I don’t know if I’d have that much self-control—I think I’d want the guy to suffer with me (not that I’ll ever get in that situation). I suppose Beanie had plenty of practice keeping her mouth shut when she lived with her mom. Sometimes I thought that was why she was so crazy and outspoken in other circles. But she sure hasn’t been like that lately. She’s like a totally different Beanie. Mostly she’s quiet and introspective these days. And sad. Very sad.

I’m afraid to ask her what she plans to do about school next year. I mean, some girls go to school while they’re pregnant, but I’ve seen them getting teased a lot too. And Beanie has so much pride, I can’t imagine her handling that very well. I suppose she’s so smart she could just take her GED test and be done with high school altogether. But that seems kind of dismal and anticlimactic (there you go, Miss Tyler, my new vocabulary word for the day—and it means something like a letdown). I think it would be a big letdown to miss your senior year. I mean, I’ve always looked forward to being seniors together with Beanie (sort of ruling the school, you know).

But who knows, maybe she doesn’t care about that kind of stuff anymore. Maybe she’s thinking about being a mom, or perhaps something as crazy as marrying Zach!! But if she and Zach did get married, how would they ever go to college? And, good grief, she’s only seventeen!! But I’m sure it would be really hard to give up your baby
for adoption. And I know she’d never consider abortion—it goes against all she believes about the sanctity of life and everything. On the other hand, she was always thinking about the sanctity of other people’s lives, and now, it’s her life that we’re talking about here. Oh, man, too many things to consider—just way too confusing for me. I’m glad I’m not making these kinds of decisions. Best to keep praying for her—that God will show her what to do. For now I’ll just stand by her and continue to be her best friend.

Speaking of friends, I actually had a nice chat with Josh at lunch today. No pressure or anything, just a normal friendly conversation. I kind of think he liked it too. He and Jenny are still broken up and I notice she was looking our way; I wanted to reassure her that I was absolutely no competition. And who knows, maybe someday I’ll even tell her what’s up with me. Although I doubt that she’d understand (she’s not even a Christian), but it might just make her think. For all I know God could be working on her even as I write this. Anyway, she’s on my prayer list, which is getting quite long by the way.

What mixed feelings I’m having after the track meet today. First off let me say that Zach was totally incredible out there! In top form, he beat his own personal best time in every race—and placed first in two races and third in one. We were just going nuts in the grandstands for him. Beanie was so totally proud of him, she was literally beaming
(the first time I’ve seen her look happy in weeks!).

Afterwards we headed down there to congratulate him, and we noticed that an older guy, wearing a polo shirt from a prestigious and private (out of state) college, was talking to Zach. So we just stood off to the side and waited. Then he finally left, and we ran over to hug Zach, and that’s when he told us that the guy was the college track coach and he was offering him a full athletic scholarship. Zach was so thrilled. (His parents can’t afford anything but community college to start out with and so this is a really huge deal for him—everything he’s been working for and dreaming of for a long time.)

So, Beanie congratulated him and acted like that was just great, but I could tell she was hurting inside. I congratulated him too, and then he told us that Coach Reynolds was taking him out for dinner to celebrate, and that he’d see us both at youth group tomorrow.

I’m not sure if Beanie had even planned on telling him right after the meet, but I guess it was kind of her to allow him a chance to enjoy his achievement for a while. He’d be brought back down to earth soon enough anyway. But then on our way back home, she announces that she’s not going to break the news to him until
after
graduation. Well, in my opinion, that’s going way above and beyond the call of duty—and so I tell her. And, of course, we get into this big old fight over the whole thing. And she tells me not to try to run her life. As if!