Becoming Me (6 page)

Well, okay, and if that’s not enough, I got into this big, ugly fight with Jenny at lunchtime today. Okay, now you’re probably thinking, why should I even care—I mean, only yesterday I wanted to just totally tell her off. But the funny thing is, she’s the one who started the fight in the first place. Which I suppose was lucky for me, because Heather actually sided with me and told Jenny she was acting like a total moron. But just the same it really hurt to hear Jenny lashing into me like that, especially in front
of everyone—and all because of some stupid anonymous Valentine that some idiot (probably one of the youth group geeks) stuck in my locker. I only showed it to my friends for a few laughs (which I could’ve really used today!). But for some reason Jenny just exploded and said that I was showing off. (Me showing off! Ha! As if I don’t know how barely in their little clique I even am!) But instead of backing down and just taking it, like I would’ve done a few weeks ago, I just gave it right back to her. Man, you should’ve heard us yelling at each other.

I felt kind of bad about the whole thing later, that is until Heather told me that the reason Jenny was in such a foul mood was because Josh hadn’t gotten her a Valentine. Oh brother, give me a break! But then I started thinking about the whole thing differently during my creative writing class. (Which I happen to really like, and I think it has a lot to do with writing in this diary, and Miss Tyler says I’m a very good writer.) I was thinking about how that must make Jenny feel. I mean, less than a week after she does it for the very first time, and then Josh can’t even give her a stupid Valentine.

Well, let me tell you, Josh had already dropped down quite a few notches on my list anyway, but this really makes me see him in a brand new light. And I think if I get the chance I might even tell him face to face what a complete jerk I think he is. I can’t believe how bold I’ve gotten all of the sudden—it’s like I don’t even care what these kids think of me anymore. I could just take their
popularity or leave it. And quite frankly, I’m thinking I might be better off without them anyway. (Although I’m not completely sure about that.) And it’s quite possible that this whole thing with my parents is affecting my thinking right now.

But anyway, I was actually feeling sort of sorry for Jenny, so I stopped by the student store and got her a cheesy little Valentine card and a cherry Charms sucker, and stuck them both in the slots of her locker. She’ll probably just throw them away. Not that I really care (okay, so maybe I do). All I can say is at least I tried. Now, I just hope I don’t have to face my dad tonight (not that he’s likely to come home, I mean after giving his little girlfriend that bracelet, they’re probably cozier than ever right now—poor Mom!). But if he did happen to show his face on the home front, I’m afraid after all this venting that went on at school today, I might just speak my mind to him about this stupid Belinda person—and then I cannot even imagine what my mom would think about that. Or is it possible that she already knows?

So, happy Valentine’s day to you too!

My dad never showed up for Mom’s special Valentine’s dinner last night. He called and they talked for a few minutes, but her voice was so quiet I couldn’t make out any of the words. Then she and Ben and I ate her homemade lasagna by candlelight. I got to wondering if this was the way it would be from now on—just the three of
us. It was weird. Ben keeps asking where Dad is, and Mom just keeps making up all these excuses for him, saying that he’s really busy with work and stuff (which sounds pretty believable considering how much of the time he’d been gone lately, and now I’m wondering if it was all really work-related or not).

But the point is, I am so unbelievably furious at him. What a total hypocrite! I mean, I’m thinking about all those stupid sermons he gave to me about how “the only thing high school boys are interested in is one thing!” Man, he must’ve been talking from his own personal experience (thinking he’s like some stupid high school kid having this secret little romance! UGH!). But, wait a minute, I thought stuff like this wasn’t supposed to happen to good, church-going Christians. What are his Bible study buddies going to say about this, I wonder. Oh, I’m just so incredibly mad, I can hardly put my thoughts into words. The whole thing just makes me want to scream! And how long does he plan to stay away without telling us what’s really going on? Isn’t that a crappy thing to do?

I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him for all this—not to mention he has totally lost my respect forever!

I’ve got to change the subject or I am just going to totally explode and go splatting across my room in tiny little pieces. Take a deep breath, Caitlin, just relax now, calm down.

Okay, well at least something good happened to me today. When I got to school this morning, Jenny was waiting
by my locker. And to my surprise, she just threw her arms around me and apologized. Well, I was so shocked I almost fell over. And stupidly enough, I got a little teary-eyed. But then I’ve been under a lot of strain lately. She said, “I’m sorry I was such a total idiot yesterday. I was just all worried about what was going on between me and Josh.” I nodded and said it was okay and that I was sorry too. Then without thinking I blurted out what was going on with my parents and how it had me all stressed out. At first I thought it was a big mistake, but Jenny was actually quite understanding and sympathetic.

She pointed out that my dad was probably just going through a midlife crisis and that he’d get over it eventually, and that everything would be back to normal before I knew it. With honest skepticism, I asked her how she could be so sure, and she said that the exact same thing had happened to her parents about a year ago, and that everything worked itself out, and that, by the way, was why her mom got that slick new BMW for Christmas and, of course, why Jenny now has her own car.

“Just think,” she said with her usual confidence. “By summer you might be driving your mom’s car.” Well, I had to laugh at that one. But it’s something to hope for. Anyway, I’ll try to take Jenny’s advice and not get too worried about the whole thing. Although I have to admit I’ve even been feeling sorry for Benjamin lately (he’s been acting kind of strange and I think the whole thing is pretty hard on him too), and as a result I was actually
nice to him this morning and let him have the last bowl of Cheerios.

A really weird thing happened tonight, actually a couple of weird things. But one in particular that I don’t even know what to make of. Anyway, after the game a bunch of us went over to Jenny’s house. It wasn’t a party or anything, although her parents weren’t there, and she did get into their bar which they assume always remains locked up when they’re away, but they don’t realize she has her own key! But no one was really getting drunk or anything wild like I’ve seen at some of the other parties. Instead we were just sitting around talking and stuff, acting fairly adult.

So, the first weird thing that happened tonight, was that I actually had a drink. Okay, let me tell you why. I figure that if my dad can preach at me about how to live my life so perfectly and everything, and then he goes off and does—well whatever it is he’s doing—then why in the world should I listen to, or even respect, a single word he has to say? I mean, it’s not like I plan on going totally crazy and becoming some wild child—I know that would be incredibly stupid. I figure, what’s one drink going to hurt? Besides it didn’t even taste good!

But here’s the second weird thing, and this one’s really got me wondering. When it was time to clear out
(because Jenny’s parents were supposed to be getting back from their movie any minute), Josh offered to drop me off on his way home. Well, now that Josh and Jenny seem to be doing okay (and I try and repress any feelings—good or bad—that I have for him), I thought, sure, why not? Jenny didn’t seem to mind a bit, she mostly just wanted to get everyone out of there before her parents got back. So Josh drives me home. And we talk as he drives and suddenly I’m thinking, man, this is the guy I always thought he was. I mean, he sounds all smart and thoughtful, and I almost forget that he is actually going with Jenny.

Then at my house, we’re sitting out in front talking about (I kid you not) world peace. And suddenly he leans over towards me, and I swear he’s about to kiss me! Well, I am so shocked that I pull away, jump right out of the Jeep, and dash into the house (real mature, I know). But Jenny is practically my best friend now, and we already had one big blowout that left me feeling pretty miserable, and now she’s being all understanding about my parents and everything. So, how could I do that to her?

But, let me be truthful, as soon as I was in the house, I wanted to turn around and get back in the car, and take it right from where we left off. Of course, his little Jeep was completely out of sight by then. For which, I’m sure, I should be very thankful. But what in the world was that all about? And how do I act the next time I see him? And, of course, I can never tell Jenny. Now I’m starting to wonder if I didn’t just imagine the whole thing in the
first place. I know I have (what Beanie used to call) a hyperactive imagination. And then how embarrassing would that be? I mean, for me just to leap out of his car without any explanation, and without even thanking him for bringing me home, and all he was going to do was open the door for me or something.

But I don’t really think it was my imagination. He had a certain look on his face (at least I think he did). And now I’ll probably dream about him and that old crush thing will start up all over again. Oh brother!

My dad came home today. Apparently it wasn’t his first time to drop in. Mom told me that he’d already been by while we were away at school to pick up some clothes and things. According to Mom, he’s been staying with his friend, Brad Schielbert, at work. Although I wonder if he might actually be staying with Belinda (whoever she is—and for some reason, I keep imagining her as this flashy little brunette who wears way too much makeup).

My dad wanted to sit down and talk to Ben and me about everything while he was here. Mom had already left the house by then; I think they had worked the whole thing out ahead of time. Anyway, I sat like a stone on the sofa while Dad explained that he had reached a difficult place in his life where he needed some time and space to figure some things out. (Yeah sure, I thought, you just need some time and space to be with your beloved Belinda, you big, old hypocrite! But I kept silent.)

Ben asked some questions, and I could tell by his voice he was almost crying. Poor Ben, I think this is even going to be harder on him than it is on me—I mean, at least I only have a year and a half at home before I go off to college. But Ben’s only twelve. I’m sure my dad could tell by my sour expression that I wasn’t taking this whole thing real well, and when he was all finished talking, he turned to me and said, “Are you going to be okay with all this?”

Then I just looked him straight in the eye and said, “Do you really care?”

Of course, he said he did. And then I told him if he wanted to hear what I thought, he’d better hear it in private. I think this surprised him a little. Then he asked if we both wanted to go have lunch with him. I told him no thanks, but maybe he should take Ben. And while Ben went upstairs to get his coat, in a very controlled voice, I told Dad that I knew all about Belinda. And furthermore, I told him that I thought he was a liar and a hypocrite and that I no longer respected anything he had to say about church or Christianity or anything for that matter. Then I turned and ran up the stairs before he could say anything. And what, I ask, could he possibly say to that?

But at least I got it off my chest. Then I threw myself across my bed and cried really hard for a long, long time.

So, why did God let this happen to us? I mean, here my family’s been going along just fine—all things considered,
we were doing pretty well—going to church sometimes and sticking together all these years without any great, big problems. So, why this? Why now? I just don’t get it. And frankly, it just doesn’t seem fair.

For the second
Sunday in a row, we didn’t go to church today. Not that I really care. I think if God turned his back on us, then we might as well turn our backs on him too. Do you think I could be struck by lightning for writing something like that? Oh well, it might be for the best since I just seem to be making a perfect mess of everything anyway.

Okay, here’s what happened. Last night I was feeling pretty grumpy. For one thing, there was nothing to do, and Jenny hadn’t called all day, and I didn’t call her because I’m still feeling guilty about what Josh tried (at least I think he tried) the other night. So anyway, I was just hanging around being your basic grump and naturally ended up having a fight with my little brother, who was acting like a total moron and had just made this huge mess in the bathroom that we have to share and I thought he should clean up (what I wouldn’t do for my own bathroom like Jenny has).

Anyway, Mom actually had to come in and break us
apart (Ben’s almost as tall as me now and was getting a little carried away). It was pretty embarrassing to need Mom’s help in fending off my little brother (and I seriously doubt that I’ll be engaging in any more tangles like that with him real soon). I did feel slightly bad ’cause I know Ben’s pretty upset about all this crud with Dad.

Well as a result, Mom took me into her room to talk, saying all this stuff about how she really needed my help right now, and how I had to take more responsibility and everything. I told her I would try. Then she asked how our talk had gone with my dad today. Well, I couldn’t look her in the eye and answer honestly, so I just said “it went okay.” Then she was acting all understanding and compassionate towards Dad, saying that we just needed to be patient and allow him this time to figure things out.