Becoming Me (12 page)

I tried praying, but all I could think of was, “God, how could you? Especially when I specifically asked you to keep Josh at a distance!” Then, after about an hour of moping, I began to listen to what the three of them were talking about. It turned out Josh was asking Zach some fairly deep questions about faith and stuff. Real thinking kinds of questions. I could tell he was in a similar place to where he’d been on that stupid ski retreat weekend. I began to feel guilty about my attitude.

I’ve heard that God works in some pretty strange ways, and maybe I just needed to back off a little and allow that God might actually touch Josh’s life by using my two dearest friends. Why was I being so selfish anyway? So, I gave the whole thing up to God. If this was meant to be, I sure didn’t want to stand in God’s way or be a wet blanket. At that point I actually began to warm up a little, entering the conversation here and there. At dinner (where I made sure Beanie sat right next to me) things got even better. But still I tried to avoid all eye contact with Josh. I just wasn’t ready for that. When the concert began, I grabbed Beanie and made sure she sat right next to me. I don’t think she was too happy about that, because to tell you the truth I think she’s starting
to think of Zach as more than a friend these days, but I didn’t give her a choice.

Somehow, during the intermission, the seating got switched around (and in Josh’s defense I think it was Beanie who did the switching) so I just decided to totally ignore Josh and focus all my attention on the band performing on the stage (which as it turned out were pretty good). Finally the concert ended, but the maddening thing was that we got separated on our way out, and naturally I ended up stuck in the crowd with Josh. I don’t know exactly why this was so horribly frustrating to me (other than all the previous things I’ve already mentioned), but for some reason it was so bad that I was actually embarrassingly close to tears. All I could think was,
why did this keep happening to me?

It was about at this point when Josh leaned over and said he had something to tell me. I looked up at him in pure frustration and said, “What?” in a rather hostile voice.

Then he calmly said, “You have every right to hate my guts, Caitlin. And it seems pretty apparent that you do. But I just want to tell you I’m sorry about everything that happened on that ski retreat and the whole thing with Jenny afterwards. I know it was wrong of me and I made a great, huge mess of everything. I’m really sorry I hurt you like that. But I’ll understand if you don’t want to forgive me.” Well, I must admit
that
took me by surprise, and by that time we were almost out to the parking lot, but I figured I better clear this up right then.

“Well, Josh,” I said, hoping to sound more gracious than I felt, “I suppose I have to forgive you, because that’s what being a Christian is all about, which I am, by the way, and I
have
absolutely no intention of messing
that
up. And yes, you did hurt me—you hurt me a lot.”

Then something occurs to me, right out of the blue, something I haven’t actually seen until just this moment, but I decide to go ahead and say it anyway. “I suppose I should really be thankful, Josh, because due to the fact that you were such a total sleaze, I actually began to look for God in a really serious way. And I found him, and since that moment my life has been going pretty well—other than the fact that you keep showing up, that is!”

Just then I spotted Beanie and Zach and began hurrying toward them. I could hear Josh chuckling as he jogged behind me. “Well, you sure know how to cut a guy down to size,” he said just before we reached them. Without answering him, I grabbed Beanie and made certain she sat in the back with me. I didn’t care how badly she wanted to sit next to Zach, and I wouldn’t mind telling her so later!

That was pretty much that. In some ways I guess I should be thankful for everything that happened this evening, even if it was uncomfortable. Maybe it was just God’s way of giving me the opportunity to take care of some unfinished business—closure, you know. Maybe now I can move on in my life whether Josh Miller happens to be lurking about or not. Most of all I hope he’s not. Yet
to be totally honest, a small part of me hopes that he is (but it’s a stupid part of me that I really do hate!).

In youth group today
, Clay talked about forgiveness again. He told about how when Jesus went to the cross it was the perfect example of forgiveness (being willing to die to yourself to forgive another).

I listened pretty carefully, since that’s been the main theme of my life lately. Actually, he talked almost as much about unforgiveness. He said when we refuse to forgive others, it’s impossible for us to receive God’s forgiveness. That’s why Jesus said, “Forgive as I forgave you.” Clay said that means to forgive totally (like Jesus did on the cross—nothing halfway about that!). And then he challenged us to search our hearts to see if there was anyone we needed to forgive today.

I have to admit that I haven’t totally forgiven my dad for leaving us (not to mention Belinda). To be honest, I think I haven’t totally forgiven Josh either. Although I do
think I’ve forgiven Jenny. I’ll have to keep working on Josh and Dad and Belinda. But Clay said that God can help us to forgive, and so I’ve been asking for help. I guess that’s as good a place as any to start.

Clay is so wise and spiritual. I can’t believe he’s only eighteen. Maybe it’s because his mother died when he was little. Anyway, I’m sure he’s spent his whole life serving and believing in God (and so he’s way ahead of me in that regard). Sometimes it just seems like he has all the answers, and I think I could sit and listen to him for about a year and a half and not get a bit tired of hearing him. Okay, does that mean I have a crush on him? Actually, I’m not entirely sure. I suppose I just might. Still, I’m trying really hard not to think of him like that, because I understand how distracting that can be in a good relationship. Right now I’m just so glad to have him as a good friend. It’s true that I really do admire him. And I happen to know he doesn’t have a girlfriend (Beanie actually asked him that right in the middle of youth group!).

Speaking of romance, I was totally on the money with Beanie and Zach. She told me today that their relationship has changed recently, and that they are definitely much more than friends now. I acted like I was all happy for her and everything (I mean, she hasn’t had a boyfriend since middle school and that was just puppy love anyway), but the truth is, it worries me a little. Mostly I’m afraid that if they run into problems, or break up, they might end up losing what seems to have been a
really great friendship. But on the other hand (maybe I’m just being too negative) who knows, they might end up having a really amazing romance! They’re both trying really hard to follow God. I’m sure they know what they’re doing. And I wouldn’t dare say anything negative to Beanie right now (especially considering my level of expertise in such matters), and besides, I just don’t want to rain on her parade (which according to Miss Tyler is a tired old cliché and should never be used in good writing).

Now, here’s the deal with my dad. Last week I confronted him, and it went surprisingly well. He told me that the only reason he had been with Belinda that night was to end things with her. Well, I ask you, do you take a woman out to dinner to break up? I guess it works in his favor that it wasn’t a fancy restaurant (although they do serve pasta dishes at the pizza place). Anyway, I sort of believe him (not totally though).

He and my mom went out again this week. And today I hear that he is wanting to move back in with us (which Mom says probably has as much to do with money as love). My mom’s not sure what she wants to do, but Aunt Steph is encouraging her to take him back (something she never would’ve said just a year ago!). So, my mom told him she’s “thinking” about it. Here’s what worries me (self-centered as it is): What if my dad moves back in and starts getting all uptight about how much I’ve been getting to do lately. Like, I can go pretty much where I want with my friends, and mom even lets me drive her car, and all
sorts of things. I really don’t want to lose all this freedom just because my dad decides to get all paranoid again.

But here’s the really hard part, I know the Bible says I’m supposed to obey my parents, so if my dad is all super strict and uptight, does that mean I really have to do what he says? What if I want to challenge him about something that seems totally unfair. Oh, crud!

(something I found in my Bible this evening)

“Don’t be anxious about anything, but pray about everything…”

Okay, I guess there’s no point in getting all worked up over what my dad may or may not do if he does or does not move back home. I guess I’ll just pray about the whole thing, and wait and see what happens.

Okay, here I am having what I think is a pretty good week. Track practice has been going well. No big huge conflicts at school. Miss Tyler even read one of my stories out loud to the class (as an example of “excellent” writing!). And Jenny has actually spoken to me several times (not that I want to get all involved with her again). Plus it looks like my family’s getting back together this coming weekend. So for the most part life is basically good.

Then at the end of track practice this afternoon (after a good workout) I’m enjoying a quiet moment in the spring sunshine, relaxing by myself on the big landing pad in the high jump pit. Just minding my own business and
watching cloud formations in the sky. And definitely not looking for any company. So, along comes Josh Miller, and he flops down right next to me! I just roll my eyes and ask who invited him over. He laughs (like I’m joking, which I’m actually not!) then starts to talk to me in a real serious voice.

Part of me says, get up and run, Caitlin! But another part is curious and wants to listen. Then Josh tells me that he too has accepted Christ as his personal Savior at his church last week (on Easter Sunday). I smile and say I’m glad for him, and I really am. Then I get up because I want to leave, but he reaches over and grabs my hand. “That’s not all,” he says looking right at me with those clear blue eyes. “I broke up with Jenny today.”

Well, that’s fine and dandy, but what does it have to do with me, I wonder. And so, I just say, “Oh…” and stare at him blankly, wishing he wasn’t so darned good looking (and now even more so with that golden tan starting to deepen across his face, his arms, his legs). But wait a minute, I’m getting sidetracked here. So he continues, apologizing all over again about all the stuff that happened over a month ago.

I just shrug and say, “I thought we’d taken care of that.”

Then he hits me with, “But it seems like you haven’t really forgiven me, Caitlin. It’s like you’re still holding something against me.”

“Oh…” I say again. “I guess I’m still working on that. I’m getting lots closer.” And then I smile. “And in fact, Josh, I
think I have forgiven you—just now.”

Well, he’s still holding onto my hand, which I must admit is making me pretty nervous. Then he smiles that big Matt Damon smile and it feels like I’m having a major meltdown. Now what do I do? How do I act? What’s going on here? And the sun is warm, and the breeze is fresh, and I’m certain I can actually taste the romance drifting over the air. And I’m scared to pieces that he’s going to kiss me—and I suppose I’m equally worried that he’s not. We just sit there for what feels like an hour, but is actually about a minute.

Then I say, “I’m happy for you, Josh—I mean about accepting Christ. And I guess, if it was the right thing to break up with Jenny, then I’m happy for you about that too.”

Then he finally lets go of my hand and says, “I was hoping that we could be friends, Caitlin. I really do like you and I know I blew it the first time with you. I was hoping you’d give me a second chance.”

Now, I’m feeling totally confused. Okay, it’s fine that he wants to be friends, I guess. But the fact is I’m starting to have all these romantic feelings for him—like crazy! Now he’s saying he wants to be friends! Fortunately, common sense kicks in and I quickly agree, saying being friends would be just fine with me, and a couple of other things that I can’t even remember right now. But the whole time I’m thinking, what is going on with me?

And now I know I’ll have to spend the whole night in
prayer just to get over these feelings. Which is what I’ve been doing, and while it helps a lot, I’m still worried. I don’t think I even trust myself anymore. We have a track meet tomorrow (it’s at home so there’s no need to worry about some long sweaty bus ride), but I wonder how I’ll act towards him—or how he’ll act towards me.

DEAR GOD, HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I’M LOST IN THE WILDERNESS TRYING TO FIND MY WAY AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHICH WAY TO TURN.

My Dad came to my track meet today (Mom had to go watch Ben’s baseball game). I took first in high jump (no real competition to speak of there) but I didn’t even place in long jump (scratched twice and the third jump was really lame). Anyway, when my events were over I went up into the stands to say hi to my dad and sit with him for a while. It was pretty nice of him to leave work early to attend my meet, and I’m trying to be more friendly to him and getting used to the idea that he’s coming back into our lives.

Anyway, while I’m sitting up there, Josh comes bouncing up the stairs. I can feel my face growing warm as I realize he’s heading right toward us. “Hi,” he says as he sits down right beside me. Then I have to introduce him to my dad, calling him “my friend, Josh Miller.” They chat briefly and then Josh takes off again.

“Nice kid,” says Dad, eyeing me carefully. “Is he really just a friend?” Now, for some reason, this irritates me
more than it probably should.

“What do you mean?” I ask somewhat sharply.

“All I mean, Catie, is that it just seems like he might be more than a friend. I was just curious, is all.”