Becoming Me (17 page)

I felt so incredibly relieved, it was like I’d been being squeezed in a giant vice and suddenly someone took off the pressure. I asked if she was disappointed that I wouldn’t be going to the prom, and she just laughed and said, “I’d rather see you happy than going to dozens of proms, Caitlin. Don’t you know that?”

And I must confess that I didn’t. I always thought Mom wanted me to be really popular, a cheerleader, and maybe even the prom queen. I told her thanks for everything and we hugged. I think it’s one of those mother-daughter moments that I’ll always remember—and we didn’t even have to buy a silly dress either!

So, here comes the hard part. It was time to call Josh (for some reason it didn’t bother me to call him for this). And I tell him that I need to break up with him. He doesn’t question it or anything. He just says, “Okay,” and then hangs up! Just like that. Well, I guess I should be relieved that it was so easy, but it kind of bugs me that he didn’t even want to talk to me about it, or try to convince me otherwise, or anything! To be totally honest, his apathetic response kind of hurt my pride. I mean, it’s not like I wanted him to come crawling on his knees to me, but it might’ve been nice to see just a little regret on his part. After all, he does have a little something to do with me wanting to break up—he did act like a complete jerk more than once. But then, I need to remember, this conviction came from God not Josh.

And now, I’ve obeyed God. And actually considering I
just gave up going to the prom with one of the cutest guys in school, I don’t even feel that bad. In fact, I really feel relieved. And free. I know this sounds weird, but somehow I think Clay is up there cheering for me right now. Anyway, I know that God is! And that’s what really matters.

For some reason I wanted to share the story of my first real live conviction with my youth group at church today. I guess it’s because we’ve gotten so close to each other since losing Clay. Anyway, I went ahead and told them all about it (well, not
everything
). But, I think it meant something to several of them. Andrea came up to me afterwards and actually thanked me for sharing. She said it gave her something to think about. But Beanie acted kind of funny about it. After church she asked me (privately) “Does that mean you think you’re better than Zach and me?”

I was surprised, but said, “No, not at all. The stuff between me and Josh was definitely one big mess. It was hurting me a lot, and I know that’s why God wanted me to break it off with him. Like Clay said, a conviction from God is an individual thing.”

I don’t know if she really understood what I meant or not, but I figured she’d have to sort it all out for herself anyway. I did tell her if she wanted to hear more about this, I’d be happy to tell her the reasons I had to break up (I’m not terribly proud of everything that went on between me and Josh, but I’d be glad to share if it’d
help her at all). Still, she didn’t seem that interested. So, I just hugged her and told her I loved her. We’ve all been doing a lot more hugging lately—since losing Clay.

And our youth group has really grown—from about a dozen to almost fifty! And now a college guy named Greg Thiessen has stepped in to lead our group. He’s really nice and everything, but not the same as Clay.

It’s been a pretty lousy week for me. All anyone can talk about these days is the prom (which happens to be tomorrow night). And even though it was my choice not to go, I feel totally out of it right now. The good thing is I’m really relying on God to help me through this whole thing. And I’ve felt spiritually stronger than ever before in my entire life. Still, I’d be a big fat liar if I said that everything is just great. It’s hard being an outsider. At the same time, it makes me wonder how Jesus might have felt sometimes. And maybe Clay too. Then suddenly I feel stronger, like everything’s going to be okay, and that this is all for the best in the long run. Still, it’s not easy.

It sure didn’t help to see how quickly Jenny and Josh got back together (I guess I should’ve known). It seemed like this week turned into a mad scramble of everyone changing dates with everyone else. (Totally weird, if you ask me, and did I mention a little shallow? Of course, only recently I was equally shallow so I better not judge!) So without going into all the pitiful details, I think everyone is finally all settled with who’s taking whom to the prom.
And somewhere (way down in the high school clique system) there must be a surprised girl (who never thought she had a chance) who is now going to the prom with some poor guy whose date bailed on him at the last minute just to go with some more popular guy. So I guess at least one person is happy. Actually, so am I. It’s just a more quiet sort of happy.

I kind of wish I had something fun to do tomorrow night, but on the other hand, what if I suddenly got all depressed and down and didn’t want to be around anyone right at that moment. I’ll pray about it, and maybe God will give me some ideas. Just in case, I’m making this all seem like some big horrible, awful thing, it’s not. The enormous relief I feel inside of me far outweighs what I may (or may not) have passed up.

Furthermore, I’ve recently heard all this chatter about how all the guys are reserving hotel rooms and I suddenly realize exactly what Josh’s expectations might have been for me
after
the prom—and I’m sitting here thinking:
Thank God for sparing me from that
. I’ll be praying especially hard for Beanie and Zach. I’m not sure where they are right now regarding all this (and I believe Clay’s death had an effect on that part of their relationship), but I also know Beanie’s been awfully unhappy lately, and I just wish I could help.

Here I sit, alone
, in my room. Oh, woe is me. (NOT REALLY!) Actually, I’m kind of enjoying the solitude.

My family went to dinner and a movie tonight. And after about twenty minutes of begging and pleading for me to join them, they finally gave up when I somehow managed to convince them that 1) I am not depressed, 2) I am not suicidal, and 3) I just want to be alone. That’s really all there is to it. I just wanted some time to think and to pray.

It’s been a totally beautiful spring day today with blue sky, sunshine, birds singing in the trees—perfect day for a prom. That’s really okay, it’s not like I wanted it to rain or anything. Mostly, I just want for that whole thing to be over with so I won’t have to think about it anymore. Before long, the seniors will graduate (including Josh, thank goodness) and then school will be out for the summer.
I can’t wait! My dad says I might be able to get a job at the ad agency (they’re looking for someone to help the receptionist) and I just might look into it. Also, our youth group is planning a two week mission trip down to Mexico this summer. It’s an idea that Clay had come up with last winter (and I have to admit that no one was very interested at first, but now they’re really into it).

I guess because he’s gone, we’re thinking differently about things like reaching out to others, and maybe we’ll do it in his memory—sort of a tribute to his life. It won’t be until the end of August, and the purpose is to build houses for poor people and at the same time tell them about Jesus. It’s sounding pretty good to me, and I really hope I can get a job and earn enough money to go. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing the end of this school year. Not that it’s been all bad. I mean, it’s sure been different and everything (nothing like I had expected when we started classes last fall). I guess if I had the whole thing to do over I wouldn’t do it all that much differently (and that even includes Josh, because I actually think I may have learned some important lessons with him).

So, I’ve been sitting here getting philosophical about the stuff that’s happened in my life lately. I’ve also been doing some praying, as well as reading my Bible. I know, it probably sounds like I’m becoming a real fanatic religious freak, which I am not. But I am falling more in love with Jesus all the time. I can’t even explain it, but I know that it’s very real—and it’s pretty cool.

And suddenly I’m hit with this really radical, and somewhat awesome, idea. I think it’s coming from God. But before I write down another word about it, I want to take some time to really pray and consider what’s going on here. I just want to make sure I’m really hearing God’s voice speaking to me, and not my own. Although I seriously doubt that I’d come up with an idea like this by myself. No, I’m pretty sure this is a God thing (Clay used to use that little phrase a lot).

So anyway, I went outside for a while and I just walked around the neighborhood, enjoying the soft twilight (the sun had just set and the western horizon was glowing all rosy and pink, and the eastern sky looked like a smooth piece of smoky blue velveteen rolling out). Anyway, I was just walking and praying and thinking about this idea that has just hit me, and finally I decided
this must be of God.
And for that reason I’m going to act on it. I guess I’d have to call this another conviction (my second one so far) although it kind of seems like something more than that too. I guess it’s like a conviction with a commitment attached to it.

It has occurred to me today that it’s definitely God’s will for me to remain a virgin until the day I marry (that is if I ever marry—and who knows?). And so, on this day (May 26) I am making a vow to God to totally abstain from having sex until my wedding day. I know some girls have made these really public vows about this very same
thing, but somehow (to me, anyway) it seems like this should be a very private moment between a person and God (not that I won’t share this with anyone who wants to know) but for me it seems more special to make this promise with only me and God present—and then to record it in writing in my diary (just in case I should ever forget, which I’m sure I never, never will!).

SO, RIGHT NOW, I PROMISE YOU, ALMIGHTY GOD, THAT I WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL TO THIS COMMITMENT. I WILL NOT HAVE SEX AND I WILL REMAIN A VIRGIN UNTIL MY WEDDING DAY (IF THERE EVER IS ONE). I TRULY BELIEVE THIS IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE LED ME TO DO. AND I THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME ENOUGH TO DIRECT ME LIKE THIS. MY HEART AND MY BODY BELONG TO YOU, DEAR LORD. AMEN.

Okay, I’m really glad I did this, and this is a day I think I will always remember (almost as significant as the day I invited Jesus into my heart). I guess I should be thankful I kept a diary this year—I mean, some of the best moments of my life lie within these very pages (yes, and I suppose some of the worst are here too).

But I’m not stupid, and I have no doubts that keeping this kind of a commitment won’t be easy (especially when it seems that just about everyone I know has had, or is having, sex these days). But with God’s help I’m sure I can keep my promise. Which brings me to the second part of this whole thing. While I was walking around my neighborhood, it occurred to me that dating really puts a girl in
some pretty compromising situations (well, guys too, I guess). It seems to me that once you’re out on a date and all alone with a guy (especially someone you feel really romantic about) it’s only natural that you end up kissing, and then, of course, one thing easily leads to another. And before you know what’s happened, temptation is furiously beating on your door, and everything just turns into one great, big mess.

So, I think the only thing for me to do is to seriously consider giving up dating altogether. I have to admit that I’m not totally positive about this decision yet—and I can’t even say for sure that this is a real conviction from God (not like my vow to remain a virgin), but I do know that I’m seriously concerned as to whether dating is a very healthy thing for me to participate in, just now anyway. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that some girls can date guys without having these problems (although I can’t think of a single one offhand), but I think for me, it might simply be best to quit dating completely, at least for the time being. Man, wouldn’t my dad be totally shocked?

Just for the record, I still want to go out and do things with groups and friends and stuff like that. And to be honest, I’m not even totally sure how I define dating, but I think it’s like when Josh and I spent time alone by ourselves, and things
always
seemed to get carried away. Like I said, I’m not totally sure about all this yet, and it might take some time to figure things out and see how everything plays out. But I do think it’s a step in the
right direction for me, and I feel pretty good about it. And it does go well with my promise to remain a virgin.

I think the hardest part of all this will be trying to explain it to others. I mean, I don’t want anyone to think I’ve become a nun or anything (I mean, I’m not even Catholic!). But take someone like Beanie for instance—I’m sure she’ll think I’ve totally gone off the deep end here. Maybe it’ll be best not to mention it to
her
right now. I’m not sure, but I think God will show me in time. One thing I’m certain of, Clay would have understood all of this, and he would’ve appreciated it too. In fact, I’m sure it’s a lot like the commitment he made to God about not having a girlfriend. I didn’t understand it at all when he told us about it. But I do now. Totally. But I’m not just making this commitment because of Clay; his life and death have certainly had a huge impact on me, but the commitments I’ve made tonight are about
me and God
—and that’s pretty much it.

GOD, HELP ME NOW TO KEEP THESE COMMITMENTS TO YOU. I KNOW WHERE I AM WEAKEST, AND I ADMIT TO YOU THAT I’M REALLY AFRAID THAT I WILL FAIL. THIS IS A BIG STEP FOR ME—I REALLY, REALLY NEED YOUR HELP! AMEN.

I had a really
great day today. Youth group was good with lots of people sharing amazing things that God’s been doing in their lives just recently. It’s really cool—kind of like God is just pouring himself out over all of us! It made us wonder if Clay’s not up there right now asking God to take special care of us. Whatever it is, it’s absolutely fantastic!