Becoming Me (15 page)

Josh showed back up at school on Wednesday and he seemed quieter too. Which was kind of a relief. And I thought maybe he’s been giving these same things some thought too, and I was hoping maybe I could tell him about it, but I haven’t really had the right opportunity. Then we had our track meet yesterday and Josh didn’t do too well in his events (I didn’t do too well either). In fact, none of us did that great and we ended up losing the meet (against a team that wasn’t supposed to be that good). I figure you win a few and lose a few. Afterwards, Coach Reynolds gave us this little speech about how these were just earthly races and what really mattered was how we all ran the race of life. Sort of like a little sermon, you know, and to tell the truth, I think we all kind of appreciated it.

Then today, Josh asks me if I’ll go with him to his cousin’s birthday party tonight (he’s a senior at McFadden) and I say, “Sure.” So he picks me up around seven and we go on over to the other side of town where, as it turns out, this totally out of control party is raging
with absolutely no parents anywhere in sight. And not only is there alcohol flowing like a river, but drugs too. Mostly pot. But before the night is over I notice a couple of other things that make me pretty suspicious and nervous. As soon as I realize what’s going on here, I tell Josh I want to go home. But, to my surprise, he’s already letting his cousin pour him a drink, and hands me one too.

I’m so stunned that I stupidly take the drink and just stare at him, then I repeat (loudly, to be heard over the music) that I want to go home. He says “in a little,” and that he doesn’t want to be rude to his cousin on his birthday. Then he assures me he had no idea it was this kind of party. Okay, I guess I believe him and will try to be patient, but the whole thing is creeping me out and I really want to leave. Of course, the only alternative to waiting for Josh would be for me to call home for a ride, which would mean my dad would have to come, since Mom and Aunt Steph went to a baby shower tonight. And if Dad came to get me that would mean a great big lecture and who knows what else. So despite a strong inner nagging to get out of there, I decide to just hang loose. Big mistake, Caitlin.

So, first of all, I dump the drink Josh gave me (I know it’s wrong to drink, and I don’t want any part of it), then I look for a place to wait it out while Josh “celebrates” with his cousin. Then who should I see here but Andrea LeMarsh (a quiet girl from our Faith Fellowship youth group). First I think I’ll try to avoid her, but then I think why? I go right over to her (she’s drinking a beer!) and I
ask her how she’s doing. Well, she practically chokes and I can see that I’ve really taken her by surprise, but she immediately comes back with what am I doing here, and I explain all about Josh and his cousin and how I didn’t know this was a drinking party. Then I look at the beer in her hand and ask if she does this on a regular basis (I guess being ticked at Josh has emboldened me a little). She’s getting real embarrassed now and says no, but she just wanted to give it a try. I ask her if she’s driving and she says no, she came with friends. I ask if the driver is drinking. She shrugs then asks me the same thing. I tell her he’s only having a social drink, which makes her laugh, and that makes me mad.

I tell her to be careful, then I go off to find a quiet place to wait for Josh (Josh’s aunt and uncle are obviously rich—their house is enormous!). It seems like kids are everywhere (mostly making out and other things and I’m getting more than a little disgusted and I’m actually considering calling my dad). I finally find an office (unoccupied) and sit down on a leather sofa to wait, deciding that if Josh isn’t ready to leave by nine, then I’ll call home (and maybe by then my mom will be back).

Just before nine I hear Josh calling my name, and I yell to him that “I’m in here” and he comes in to join me, acting all sorry that he brought me to such a crappy party (but I can smell booze on his breath and by the way he’s now slurring his words, I’m pretty sure Andrea was right to laugh!). And then he starts trying to kiss me and getting all mushy and putting his hands all over me,
and I shove him away which he actually seems to like. So he starts kind of laughing, and then we have this little wrestling match on the couch (and I’m thinking,
who is this guy?
). I consider yelling for help, but I think that’s kind of silly because this is only Josh for Pete’s sake. But at the same time, I’m feeling scared and I’m tired of pushing him off. Then suddenly he gets pretty aggressive and I start to really freak out! And I’m actually afraid that he’s going to hurt me! And I do scream!

But we’re in a room in the back of the house and the music is so loud that I’m sure no one can hear me. Then suddenly we hear other people yelling and stampeding through the house—and we quickly realize that the cops are here and the party’s being busted. Now, I’m not sure which I’m more afraid of—getting arrested and having to call my parents, or Josh. But before I can think Josh grabs me by the arm (and since he knows his way around the house), makes a quick escape through a side door, down the driveway, and into his Jeep which is parked down the street. Then he starts the engine and quietly slips down an alley. I’m shaking so hard, I cannot speak. At any minute I expect to see the flashing blue lights—and I halfway hope that I do.

Finally it’s apparent that he’s managed to get away, and now I am really, really mad! And I ask him to let me out on the next corner (there’s a convenience store right there). Well, of course, he is all over himself saying, “I’m sorry, I got carried away, I didn’t mean anything…” He goes on and on, saying he doesn’t know what came over
him, that he never should’ve had a drink, how he totally hates himself for doing that, and all sorts of pitiful things. And now I’m actually feeling sorry for him. So I tell him, the only way I’m not getting out of this Jeep right now is if he hands over the keys and I drive the rest of the way. He agrees and I drive straight home.

Out of concern for his safety, I did consider dropping him off at his house first, but I was worried he might not agree to let me take his Jeep after that. And after all I’ve been through tonight, all I want is to get home safely. Once I’m home (still shaking) I pray that God will safely get him home too. And then I collapse on my bed in tears.

WHAT A TOTAL MESS I AM MAKING OF MY LIFE, GOD. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY LOVE SOMEONE AS HOPELESS AND STUPID AS ME. WILL I EVER LEARN HOW TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS? I KNEW I SHOULD’VE CALLED MY PARENTS THE VERY FIRST THING, BUT I DIDN’T. I’M SO SORRY, GOD; PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

Then like someone pouring a bucket of ice cold water over my head, it occurs to me that I placed myself in a seriously dangerous position tonight.

1) I could have been involved in a drunken driving car accident, or 2) I could have been arrested (really the least of these possibilities), or 3) I could have experienced date rape.

And this is not to mention the serious trouble I could have gotten into with my parents (if they’d known). I could have been grounded for life—which honestly doesn’t seem like such a bad idea just now.

But the really weird thing is I don’t feel much pleasure in realizing how lucky I was to escape these very near catastrophes. Mostly I feel a deep regret that I am so stupid as to get involved in something like this to begin with.

Okay, you may be thinking that I didn’t
intentionally
do something wrong—like I didn’t know it was going to be a drinking party. But let me be totally honest here. I had this gut feeling (call it a still, small voice if you want) but I had a feeling that I was flirting with disaster, dabbling in sin—whatever, but something inside me was sending out warnings.

And, come to think of it, so did Jenny of all people (she told me to be careful). And so did Dad for that matter. Even Clay seemed pretty concerned about us kids in youth group last week. It’s like the writing was all over the wall (sorry, Miss Tyler).

Well, here and now I am deciding that something’s got to change in me. I will not keep living like this. I know that might mean I have to rethink things with Josh. But after tonight, I’m ready to do that.

Okay, I’ll admit I still have strong feelings for him. But I’m not going to be stupid about it. I know that something’s wrong with our relationship. I just hope I have the strength to do what’s right. Hopefully, I’ll actually know what’s right when the time comes. And I’ll keep praying that God will show me. I’m sure that he will.

But right now, I’m exhausted. All I want to do is sleep—and to thank God for protecting me tonight.

I stayed home all day
yesterday. I think I was sort of in shock or something. But anyway, in the afternoon up comes this florist van, and the guy is delivering a bunch of red roses to ME. And they are from Josh, with a handwritten apology. My parents are pretty surprised (of course, I don’t show them the note). They want to know what the special occasion is. I just shrug and say I don’t know. Then my dad says did I know that red roses are the symbol of true love? I just laugh and say, “Did it occur to you that Josh might just like the color red?” I wonder if I should call him up and say thanks, but somehow I don’t want to. In fact, for the first time in weeks I had no desire to see him at all. I wonder how long that will last.

I went to church and youth group today. Surprisingly enough Andrea was there too. We both just sort of looked at each other without saying anything. But I was really curious if she’d been among the kids that got MIPs (minors in possession), but I didn’t ask. Today, Clay brought his guitar
and played a song that he wrote. It was so good, I think he could probably sell it to a recording studio. I kept looking at him and thinking, why can’t Josh be more like him? Then I started wondering what I’d ever seen in Josh in the first place. And then I even wondered (although I felt guilty about this one, but it’s the truth) if Clay ever decided to have a girlfriend, would he consider someone like me? And I instantly thought, no way—I’d never be good enough for someone like him. And that made me so sad I almost started to cry. But somehow I managed to cover it up.

Honestly, I’m wondering if I might be turning into some sort of basket case. But then, I’m not the only one. Zach and Beanie seemed out of sorts today too. I remembered the problems they were having. And suddenly I thought, man, we are really one screwed up bunch of kids. I wondered if poor Clay has any idea what a mess we are! But we ended in prayer and Clay said that God had shown him that we were “all going to do great and powerful things—individually and corporately” (those were his exact words).

Well, at least that was encouraging. If anyone can make something of a bunch of messed up kids, I’m sure God can. But now I’m wondering what in the world I’m supposed to do about Josh. To tell the truth (and this is embarrassing because I used to think Jenny was being stupid) but I don’t want to break up with Josh before I get a chance to go to the prom with him (and that’s not until the end of May). And anyway, aren’t we supposed to forgive
one another?

The week started out okay. I think last weekend knocked some sense into Josh and for the first couple days he was really polite and not pushy or anything. But then today (after track practice) I started seeing some of that old stuff emerging. And I got concerned again. I mean, all he did was kiss me (a little too long), but it was enough to send up a danger signal. When I pushed him away, he got irritated. But I didn’t really care at the time. Although now I’m not so sure.

Everyone at school is talking about the prom, and suddenly everyone seems to be switching boyfriends. Now, Heather Larson is going with Nathan. And Jenny (rumored to have broken up Heather and Brian) is going with Brian. Even Zach and Beanie are planning on going. And I really want to go.

Quite honestly, something inside me is saying no. Do you think it could be God? I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to go and just have a good time (I mean without doing anything wrong). It seems like that would be a sort of “victorious” thing to do, wouldn’t it? But I’m just not sure. And since I’ve been praying that I’d learn to recognize and obey God’s voice, I’m worried that I might actually be hearing it and yet I’m unwilling to do what he says (especially in this one particular area). I ask you, would a kind and loving God ask a sixteen-year-old girl to give up a chance to go to the prom with one of the most popular
boys in school (a boy who only recently gave his heart to Jesus)? I just don’t think so. But then again, I’m not sure either.

OH, GOD, HELP ME TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT. AND HELP ME TO BE TRUE TO YOU. I LOVE YOU, GOD. I WANT TO CHOOSE YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE. BUT I MIGHT NEED SOME HELP. AMEN.

This is the saddest day of my life. I am literally numb with grief.

This morning we heard there had been another school shooting. Only this time it was much, much closer to home. At 8:16 A.M., a freshman boy entered McFadden High and shot about a dozen kids in the cafeteria before a couple of football players jumped him from behind and knocked the automatic weapon from his hands.

Clay Berringer was among those shot. Clay was pronounced dead at 11:20 this morning.

They sent us home from school. They canceled the track meet (not that I would have gone anyway). And now a bunch of people are meeting (from our church) to pray for the rest of the day. I couldn’t go. Not yet.

I am so totally devastated I cannot even hold my pen to write legibly. I cannot think. I cannot even pray. I am certain that I will never laugh again. And I am so angry at God for allowing this to happen. Where were the angels that were supposed to protect Clay? How could God take
him away from us?