Becoming Me (2 page)

So, back to the question of popularity. I have to admit that when I was a little kid I used to think it’d be so cool to be the most popular girl in the whole school. Like my Aunt Stephie—she’s my mom’s baby sister, but so much younger she could almost be my big sister. Anyway, I remember how Grandma used to complain that the phone “rang night and day” for Aunt Stephie. She was a cheerleader and had this really cool boyfriend who looked just like Tom Cruise (Tom was more popular back then, although I still think he’s pretty cool).

Anyway, all that popularity stuff seemed pretty great to an eight-year-old kid, and I remember thinking that when I was in high school, I wanted to be exactly like Aunt Stephie. Not that her life has turned out all that great as a grownup, at least not according to my grandma (she’s always on poor Stephie’s case) and I’d have to admit Steph does have some fairly serious problems (like a baby and no husband plus she freeloads baby-sitting from Grandma). So I guess, in some ways, all that popularity didn’t do her a whole lot of good in the long run. But just the same, I still sometimes wish that I was one the coolest girls in high school.
Now, how’s that for honest?

At the same time, I’d like to think that I’m more mature than that, and I’ll admit that Beanie and I
sometimes make fun of the “popular” kids (behind their backs, of course!). And like I said, it’s not like I’m a complete loser either—in fact, I got my braces off last fall and my skin is almost completely clear now. I got my hair cut in this really cool style during Christmas break, so that it kind of swings back and forth when I walk. And Aunt Stephie said I look just like Gwyneth Paltrow (of course, she wanted me to baby-sit Oliver at the time, and she might’ve said anything to seal the deal). I’ve got a magazine with Gwyneth’s photo on it, and I studied my face in the mirror, and I do think there is a slight resemblance. And since I got my haircut, it suddenly seems like other people are looking at me differently. Perhaps even some pretty cool people are actually looking my way (unless it’s my imagination). But even so, it feels kind of good. I mean all these years before I just felt kind of invisible (which wasn’t so bad; I mean, it was better than sticking out in a crowd).

Now I know I must be sounding all lame and desperate to go on like this (not to mention totally shallow); like all I care about is getting some airhead approval from a bunch of kids who aren’t all that nice in the first place. And, like I said, it’s not like I don’t already have any friends. I mean there’s always Beanie. There’s a few others too. Okay, I admit it, they’re mostly from the youth group! But at least I know they’d stick by me through the very worst. I think some of the nicer ones would. I seriously doubt if those popular kids would be like that. Not that I’ll ever have a chance to find out. But on the other
hand, I guess I’d be willing to find out, if I had the chance.

Okay, is that so terribly wrong? Is it so wrong to want some
different
friends for a change? To want life to change and become more exciting? Last week our youth group leader said that if we don’t have something that we really think we need, we should pray for it. I wonder if it would be wrong to pray to become popular. I guess the worst that could happen is that God could say no. It might be worth a try. I don’t know why God wouldn’t want me to have more friends; we’re always being told to “reach out” to those around us. Hey, I’m willing to do some reaching here.

Well, all this wondering is probably just a big, stupid waste of time, because I’m sure the popular kids don’t want to hang with me anyway. I’ve heard them make fun of the geeks and nerds and freaks before—as if we’re all deaf and can’t even hear them. Or maybe they think we have absolutely no feelings at all. In fact, now that I think about it, I can’t even believe that I’ve sat here and actually considered hanging with kids like that in the first place. But I’m supposed to be honest here. And the truth is, I would hang with them if only they would let me. But, I ask you, is that so terribly wrong?

Today, Jenny Lambert
talked to me. Now, that might not seem like much to you. But Jenny is one of the most popular girls in the whole school. I know, here I go sounding all shallow again. You know, Jenny is a person too—and I shouldn’t hate her just because she’s popular, should I? Besides, for a popular person, Jenny is actually pretty nice. She’s friendly and even though she’s a cheerleader, she doesn’t seem all that full of herself the way most of them do. And she’s probably the prettiest one of the bunch too. She has brown eyes and long, dark hair that’s shiny and thick. Also, she’s really smart.

She actually spoke to me at the honor society meeting this afternoon (Beanie refuses to join honor society, even though she’s smarter than most of the kids in there). Honor society is in charge of the Valentine’s Day Dance, and Jenny and I are on the decorating committee. And while we were compiling our list of what we’ll need (like red and pink crepe paper and stuff) Jenny told
me she didn’t even want to go to the dance because she had just broken up with her boyfriend, Josh Miller.

Now, if I made a list of all the boys that I’d like to have for my boyfriend, Josh would definitely make the top three. Honestly, he looks just like Matt Damon—same smile, same teeth, everything! But when Jenny ragged on and on about what a total jerk Josh is, I just nodded and agreed with her. I mean, what do I know, just because he’s good looking doesn’t mean he has any character to speak of.

But the best part was how Jenny even confided in me about him in the first place. And she also told me that she liked my outfit. I got the jeans and top at The Gap last week (with a gift certificate from my other grandma who lives in Pasadena), but my dad thought they were way too expensive—well, I’d say they were well worth it!
Then
Jenny asked me where I got my hair cut! And she said she wanted to get hers cut like that too. To be honest, at that point, I thought maybe she was just teasing me. You know how kids do that sometimes, saying things like, “Hey, where’d you get those cool shoes?” to some poor kid who’s got on a pair of ratty, old Air Jordans or something equally uncool. Anyway, I could tell Jenny wasn’t kidding when she actually wrote down the name of the hair salon on her notebook. And the whole time, I just acted really cool and laid back about everything. I never once revealed how totally excited I was just to be talking with her. And then we even walked down to our lockers together!

But now, here comes the embarrassing part. It’s something
I wouldn’t want to tell anyone, but diaries are good for this kind of confession. You see, Beanie spotted me walking with Jenny. One thing I haven’t said too much about is how much Beanie just loves to just blurt out all kinds of crazy stuff. She totally gets off on being loud and shocking—mainly to get attention, I think.

Anyway, I was freaking that Beanie was going to say something really stupid about me walking with Jenny, so I tried to avoid making eye contact with her. But as soon as she saw me she said hey just like usual and started coming my way, but then I just turned and looked away from her, pretending like I didn’t even know her. I basically just ignored her! I couldn’t even believe I did it. For sure, it was totally stupid not to mention risky—I mean, talk about an open invitation for Beanie to really let me have it. But the really weird thing is, she didn’t. She just kept on walking by. And now I feel absolutely lousy about the whole thing, and I know I’ll have to tell her I’m sorry. I know she will never, in a million years, understand why I’d ever want to be friends with someone like Jenny Lambert. But the truth is, I do! I really do! And it makes me really mad to think that something so simple should suddenly feel so totally complicated.

Today, Jenny Lambert invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. Beanie, at the time, was nowhere in sight (unbelievable luck!). So I said, “Sure, why not.” Man, I thought I must’ve died and gone to heaven—either that
or maybe she was teasing. But no, it was true. And so there I sat with them (Jenny and another cheerleader, both wearing their uniforms, and a couple of her other friends too). The most incredible part was that I didn’t make a total fool of myself.

The secret, I’ve decided, is 1) not to seem overly excited by the whole thing, 2) not to try too hard to impress anyone, and 3) [perhaps most importantly] not to talk too much. But let me tell you, it’s a tricky balancing act, at best. I mean, if you’re
too
quiet they think you’re all stuck up—and that is totally not acceptable when they’re the ones who are supposed to be snubbing you. But then if you act all happy and pleased to be with them, they’ll treat you like you’re part of their little geek outreach program, and for sure that’ll be the last time you get to sit at their table. Now don’t ask me how I know all this, I think it’s like osmosis—like where you just absorb information without knowing it. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been secretly observing them for the past few years. Just like that little kid with her nose pressed up against the candy store window. Pretty pitiful, isn’t it? But the good news is—I didn’t totally blow it today.

After school, I did get a chance to talk to Beanie about ignoring her yesterday (and I knew by then that she was purposely ignoring me out of pure spite, and maybe hurt feelings too). Of course, my explanation and apology didn’t go too well. Just like I thought, she didn’t understand at all. She always acts just like she could care less about who’s popular and who’s not. At least I
think it’s an act—you can never be too sure with Beanie, she’s so dramatic about everything all the time. I must admit she’s one of the best actors in the drama department. She’s always trying to get me involved, but the problem is I just freeze up in front of crowds. Maybe I’m getting better at this acting business now. I mean, look how cool I can act around Jenny and her friends. In fact, Beanie should be proud of me. But of course she’s not.

Anyway, I told her to give me a break—and that all I want is to have some more interesting friends. Now that was the totally wrong thing to say to someone like Beanie. I know it really hurt her feelings.

“So, I suppose I’m not
interesting
enough for you?” she practically screams as we wait for the school bus (yes, embarrassingly enough, we still ride the school bus). Then she storms off and sits next to this other girl on the bus without saying another word to me. (And let me tell you, it’s bad enough riding the school bus, but it’s absolutely the worst when you can’t even sit with your friend!) This is the first time I can remember making her that mad. But maybe it’s a good thing just now. I really do think I need some space from her—just for the time being. Besides, Beanie is Beanie, and I’m pretty sure she’ll always be there for me—you know, when I need her.

So, enough about Beanie. Anyway, here’s the
really
good news. Jenny asked me to go to the mall with her tomorrow—she’s going to get her hair cut almost just like mine. I don’t think I’ll have too hard of a time convincing my parents that Jenny is okay. Especially since her dad is
the superintendent of the school district (which sort of makes him my mom’s boss). Also, I know they’ll respect that Jenny’s a cheerleader. My mom was a cheerleader (way back in the dark ages) and I don’t know how many times she’s nagged at me to try out, but I always refuse. (I say I think it’s stupid, but the real reason is I know I’d probably forget every move and, like I said earlier, I’d probably just freeze and make a total fool of myself in front of the entire student body. Thanks, but no thanks!) But anyway, I’m sure Mom will be ecstatic to know that I’m actually hanging with an actual cheerleader.

But here’s the best part—Jenny has her very own car! It’s a silver Honda Accord, not new, but still in nice condition. It used to be her mom’s, but she told me her mom got a brand new BMW (navy blue) for Christmas, and now the Honda is Jenny’s! Man, some people get all the breaks! But I’m not complaining, not at all. If I can’t have my own car, what’s wrong with having a friend with one? I just hope Jenny still likes me after spending a few hours together. And now I have to figure out what I’m going to wear!

Okay, you are not going to believe what happened today! First of all, Jenny and I went to the mall just as planned, and we actually had a really great time—but that’s not the part you’re not going to believe. We saw a couple of Jenny’s friends while we were having an Orange Julius at the food court, and so we all just talked and stuff (and,
by the way, they both really liked Jenny’s new haircut), and anyway, the next thing I know, one of the girls (Heather Larson) invites me to come to her boyfriend’s house where he’s throwing a birthday party for one of his buddies tonight. I said, “sure, why not,” but the whole time I’m freaking out, thinking there’s no way my parents will let me go to a party at some boy’s house.

But wonder of wonders, they said I could go. Actually, it was my mom who said I could go (my dad was off at his office again—he’s been putting in a lot of hours lately). I’m pretty sure the only reason my mom let me go is because she’s so impressed with Jenny. I’m pretty certain that if I set both Jenny and Beanie side by side, my mom would pick Jenny to be my best friend (not that Jenny’s offering, but she is being pretty nice to me).

So anyway, Jenny picks me up and we drive over to Brian Whittier’s house (that’s Heather’s boyfriend and a fantastic basketball player by the way) where it turns out, Brian’s parents are gone for the entire weekend—and I guess it should come as no surprise that, with no parents around, the alcohol is flowing in abundance. I have no idea how Brian got all of it, and of course I don’t ask. And even though I feel slightly shocked about the whole thing, I don’t let on at all. I just act like everything’s cool.

But just the same, I don’t consume a single drop of alcohol. The truth is, I’m way too scared. I know for a fact that my parents would kill me if they knew what was going on here, and the whole time I’m looking over my shoulder and worrying that this party’s going to get busted
big time, and then I’ll have a police record, and how in the world would I explain all this to my conservative, church going parents? But what complicates things even further is that everyone at the party is being all cool and chummy to me, and they’re all kind of goofy and relaxed (not at all how they act in school), and I’m actually having a pretty good time (other than worrying about getting busted).