Becoming Me (22 page)
Authors: Melody Carlson
When I open it, it’s a small gold locket. Very pretty. “What’s this for?” I ask. Then he says to open it. Well, instead of a spot for pictures, it has a place where it’s engraved with May 26 with a cross beneath it, and then my name on the other side. And, of course, I know exactly what this means. Dad smiles and says, “I just thought you
should have something to commemorate this special day.” I don’t know quite what to say (I don’t ever remember my dad being this thoughtful before!), so I just thank him and put it on.
We didn’t find the right car today, but that’s okay. What I brought home was a whole lot better!
Before I go to bed tonight, I’m thinking how thankful I am for both my parents, but that makes me feel guilty because I know not everyone is as fortunate (and I’m thinking mainly of Beanie). So I am praying specifically for her that she will allow God to become like her father—her Daddy. Because there’s a verse about how God is a father to the fatherless (and that pretty much describes Beanie). And I think, even though my earthly dad is pretty cool, he’s nothing compared to God. Then I almost feel jealous (but not really) because I realize how close Beanie could get to God if she’d only just do it. And so I’m praying that God will become her Father, and let her know just how much he truly loves her.
June 27, Wednesday (first day on the job)
First of all
, I got my very first car on Monday night. Okay, so it’s not a VW Bug. But at least it’s not an old lady car either, and it’s even kind of sporty with five gears (and already I’m pretty good at shifting). It’s a three-year-old Plymouth Breeze (just enough bigger than a Neon that my dad thought it would be safe, and it also gets really good gas mileage). The first thing I did was to go pick up Beanie and take her for a joy ride. I could tell she was a little jealous (and who can blame her with all the things she has to deal with), and so I decided to tell her how I’ve been praying for her (that she’ll realize that she’s really God’s very own daughter, and how not having an earthly father can be really special because it makes God watch out for you even better).
She kind of frowned at first and then said, “So far, it doesn’t seem to be working out all that well.” So I told
her that had more to do with her choices than God’s. And I challenged her to live like she was really and truly God’s own special child and to just see what happened. And then, with a serious expression, she asked if I was planning to go to seminary and become a lady preacher or something—to which I just laughed. Me a preacher? Now that’s pretty funny.
She said that Tony had made a date to take Zach out for dinner on Friday night, and she thought he was going to tell him the story about his mom. I told her I’d be praying for Zach to, as Jesus says, “have ears to hear.” She said she’d be praying too.
So, today I went in to work at ten o’clock, and man, there’s so much to learn, and I feel so totally stupid. I connected several callers to the wrong people, got names mixed up, and all kinds of things. I can’t believe Rita (that’s the receptionist) didn’t just fire me on the spot. Who would’ve thought just answering the stupid phone could be so hard. But I told her I’m going to try really hard, and maybe by next week she can actually take a coffee break without freaking out that I’ll blow up her entire switchboard.
Dad came by while I was working (and I know I looked all flustered) but he just winked and gave me a thumbs-up sign. Then finally it was time to go home, and I was so relieved. I prayed all the way home that God would help me to get the hang of things before Rita decides to give up on me completely. I’m sure she can’t believe that Mike O’Conner’s daughter is such a total dunce!
Well, I think it’s a miracle, but I’m finally getting the hang of things at work. I only made about five mistakes today (compared with about a hundred the day before). Rita says I’m going to be just fine. I’m not telling her that I had a nightmare about her being gone on vacation and me just totally blowing it. I have three weeks before she leaves. Maybe I’ll be ready. I’ll keep praying
Speaking of praying, tonight was the night Zach went to dinner with Tony. Man, was I praying for him. Beanie told me that Zach had really been pressuring her this week to get an abortion. She said his aunt said it’s best to do it in the first trimester (and she’s almost in the second). Then Zach said that as the father he had the right to say she should get an abortion, because otherwise that meant that he would have to support a dependent against his will, which seems totally ridiculous if you ask me. But Beanie said she’s pretty sure that his aunt is filling him full of stupid ideas, and that she has no intention of keeping the baby or making Zach support her against his will.
But here’s the really cool news. Beanie said that she’s been praying to God as if she really believes he’s her Father, and that she’s really starting to feel differently towards him. She’s realizing how many mistakes she’s made and then blamed God for. And she told me that she can pray for literally hours at a time. Now, I could hardly believe that, because I’ve never prayed
that long. But I don’t know why she’d make something like that up.
And I must admit, she seems different. More peaceful, for one thing. And also, she has this kind of confidence about her. But the most noticeable thing is that she kind of seems to glow. Now, I know that sounds silly, and maybe it’s due to being pregnant. But, honestly, she seems different. I even told her so, and she said that God was changing her from the inside out. She says for the first time, for as long as she can remember, she actually feels truly happy. Now, that’s amazing! I know if I were in her shoes, I don’t know if I’d be truly happy. But I’m sure glad that she is.
The best thing she told me, as we drove in my car with all the windows wide open (pretending we were in a convertible), was that she had told God that she wanted to do his will in regard to her relationship with Zach. And she’s decided that if Zach doesn’t marry her (and she’s not even sure she wants to marry him) then she will never have sex with him again.
And that’s when I decided to tell her about the promise I made to God about keeping my virginity. I thought she would finally understand now. But I think it kind of brought her down (which wasn’t my intention at all). Because then she said that was something she had lost and would never, ever have again. Then suddenly I remembered this Bible verse that Clay used to quote (it was kind of weird and never totally made sense to me until now); it was about how God can restore “what the
worm has eaten and what the locust has destroyed.” Now I realize the worm and the locust are like the sin in our lives. So I told this to Beanie and she said, “Do you suppose that God could restore my virginity?” I said, “I don’t know for sure. But then God is God, and he can do anything he wants to. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask.” She nodded and said, “Yeah, especially since I know he’s my Father now. I think I’ll ask him.”
Now, to tell you the truth, I think that’s a whole lot to ask of God. I know some girls might think that’s the easy way to get out of something like losing your virginity or getting pregnant. But let me tell you, Beanie has paid and paid and paid for her mistakes (not to mention some mistakes made by her parents) and if God could make her a virgin again, (and let’s just say that he could), I’m all for it. Because, I believe that if Beanie could have it all to do over again, I just feel certain she would do it differently. I’ve watched her suffer and suffer. And so, for her sake, I really hope that somehow God can restore her virginity. That’s what I’m praying for! Besides, God can do miracles—and that would be a real miracle, wouldn’t it!
It occurs to me that I’ve been keeping this diary for
six whole months
now. Wow, I’m actually impressed. And I’m so glad I got all these things down in writing, because otherwise I might not even believe them myself! But I do. And although there were some pretty tough trials and things during the past six months, there have also been a lot of
happy times and real victories too.
Now I find that I’m looking forward to the next six months with a joyful anticipation that I didn’t even know existed back in January—and all I can say is that it’s all due to God. And for that I am truly (from the bottom of my heart) thankful. Oh, believe me, I have no illusions, I’m certain there’ll be more hard times ahead—I mean, you just never know what a day might bring. But what I do know is that
God can see me through
. I can’t wait to see what he does next!
Check out the cool new
Diary of a Teenage Girl series website at:
www.DOATG.com
.
Dear Friend,
Do you feel like God is nudging at your heart to make a commitment to him—any sort of commitment? It’s best not to put it off, you know. Hey, remember what happened to me?
So, I invite you to sit down right now before God and consider how he may be leading you. Is he asking you to give him your heart today? Is he asking you to dedicate your body to him first and abstain from sex until after marriage? Can you hear his voice speaking to you?
Sometimes it helps to write this kind of promise down. You can do that in your diary like I did, or you can write it down here. Then hide it away if you like, but just don’t forget it. Because a promise like this is important—both to you and to God. Because you’re his child, and he’s always listening.
Blessings!
Caitlin O’Conner
Don’t miss Chloe Miller’s final diary in the exciting Diary of a Teenage Girl Series!
Friday, April 15
Well, that Allie. She went and did it. Invited Brett James to the prom last week. And guess what? She was right. He wants to go. And even more amazing, Iron Cross doesn’t have anything scheduled that same weekend. Well, who’d’ve thought?
“Why don’t you ask Isaiah?” Allie urged me today. Allie, Laura, and I had decided to take our lunches into the practice room, and even though we were done eating, Willy hadn’t gotten there yet.
“Isaiah?” I stared at Allie as if she’d totally lost it. “Get real.”
“Hey, I happen to think he’d really like to go with you,” said Allie defensively. “I mean, he was acting like he was all jealous after I invited Brett the other night. Isaiah said it was totally unfair that he wouldn’t get to go to his prom this year, and he’s even a senior.”
“Too bad,” I said. But the truth was, I was thinking it was too bad that I couldn’t invite Jeremy to go to the prom with me. But then how would that look? A seventeen-year-old girl going to the prom with a twenty-one-year old man! Oh, I don’t think of Jeremy that way, really. He doesn’t seem like an adult in that sense. To me he’s just one of us, only a little older. But I could imagine what my parents or someone like Laura’s mom might say about it. Besides that, I seriously doubt that Jeremy would agree to go with me anyway.
“Why don’t you ask him, Chloe?” urged Laura.
“Huh?” I was shocked. Had she been reading my mind about asking Jeremy to the prom?
“Like Allie suggested, why don’t you invite Isaiah to the prom?”
But I just shook my head.
Suddenly Allie got that stubborn look in her eye. “Come on, Chloe. It’d be fun.”
“I can’t ask him—”
“Yes, you can,” said Laura quickly. “Allie’s right about this. I heard the whole conversation the other night. It was after the Atlanta concert; you and Jeremy and Michael were still signing CDs. But Isaiah sounded really bummed. In fact, I think he said that Jeremy’s the only one in the band who’s ever gone to a prom.”
“That’s funny. Jeremy doesn’t seem like the prom type to me.” I hoped my disappointment didn’t show since I was really thinking, “Who’d Jeremy go to the prom with?”
“I know,” agreed Allie. “But I guess he has a girlfriend in his hometown. Apparently, she talked him into it when they were still in high school.”
“Jeremy has a girlfriend?” I could tell my voice sounded kind of high-pitched and funny, but fortunately no one else seemed to notice.
“Yeah, this was news to us too, but Isaiah said that Jeremy’s been dating the same girl for about four or five years now.”
“That’s almost like being engaged,” added Laura.
“No, it’s not,” I said a little too quickly.
“It would be for me,” Laura retorted.
“So how about it, Chloe?” pleaded Allie. “Why don’t you ask Isaiah? It’s not like you guys need to be involved or anything. You can just go together as friends and have a good time.”
“Yeah,” agreed Laura. “We could triple date. It would be so cool.”
I was looking at the floor now, tracing the diamond pattern of the carpet with the toe of my Doc Martens. “I’ll think about it,” I muttered.
And thankfully, Willy arrived then and we started to practice. But to be honest, I had a hard time focusing on our practice, and it didn’t go too well.
Finally, we finished and I told them that my stomach didn’t feel too great. “I think it’s something I ate.” Although I knew that wasn’t true. Unless you can ingest a conversation, which I suppose is sort of true. It feels like I swallowed a bunch of foul-tasting words. Anyway, I excused myself and went up to our room in the hotel.
I lay down on my bed and cried myself to sleep. I know it’s stupid. It’s not like Jeremy and I actually had anything going on or as if he’d led me on at all. It was all just in my head. I guess that’s what comes of letting your mind run wild about things like guys and romance.
Well, when I woke up I wrote this all down in my diary. Kind of like I just needed to barf it out so I could feel better. And then I read my Bible and prayed.
We have a big concert tomorrow night where Redemption is the main event, so I really need to get my head and my heart together and put this whole thing into God’s hands—for the sake of the band, our recording contract, and most of all for the audience who has paid good money to hear us. Hopefully, they’ll be touched by God when they do.
And so I’m making this commitment to myself and to God:
I will not let this disappointment about Jeremy mess up my music.
If anything, I have decided that this whole thing can just make me stronger. Like that verse I memorized in James. Maybe it will become my “life verse” since Pastor Tony says that everybody should have at
least one Bible verse that they take with them through everything. Perhaps this is mine.
“…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
Now how cool would it be to become perfect and complete and to be lacking nothing? And if that comes from going through trials, well, I guess I should just say, “Bring ’em on.” Okay, let’s not get carried away. I’m not asking to be hit by a truck or suffer from some horrible skin disease or anything too dramatic. But I do recall Pastor Tony preaching about how we should greet our trials as we greet our friends. We should welcome them as we realize how they’ve come to make us bigger and better people.
BRING ’EM ON
here we go, God
bring on the crud
pour on the rain
sling on the mud
bring on the hard times
fling on the bad
bring on the tears
heap on the sad
pile it all up, Lord
it won’t be long
’til all these trials
help make me strong
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