Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) (21 page)

“With Julia?” He was goading me, and I was done listening.

“Guess so!” I said with my back to him. I was already at the door to my room. He was right. He wasn’t saying anything I hadn’t said to myself, but I didn’t like hearing it. We were both staying on campus for the summer, and Jenna and Julia were leaving. I needed to use the time to get my head on straight and get control of all the emotion that seemed to boil over whenever Julia was around. I wanted to see her, but I wanted it to be easy and relaxed. Thinking back over the time we’d known each other, I was always attracted to her, but it was getting worse. We were closer, we’d admitted as much as we could comfortably admit.

The door closed behind me and the room was doused in darkness except for the glare of the red digital numbers on the old clock my mom gave me two years ago. I could make out Julia’s form curled under the sleeping bag, so I crawled over her, and lay down on the bed near the wall. I pulled part of the covers over me, threw my arm over my eyes then tried to go over the material that I’d stored in my head for my upcoming exam. Maybe isotopes, molecular orbital theory, and reactive intermediates could keep me from fantasizing about the woman lying a foot away from me.

~9~
Perspective

It was a new school year. Ellie and I were getting an apartment off campus, and we’d come back a month early to find one. I was excited to get back to Stanford, to Ellie and the gang… to Ryan. Dave and I had gradually stopped talking, and I almost felt guilty because I had a huge sense of relief. As much as I’d tried, I couldn’t distance myself emotionally, even if the physical distance was fifteen hundred miles. I couldn’t convince my heart to forget about Ryan, so I finally gave up trying.

Two months of being apart with only Skype to connect us once a week hadn’t changed anything. Sunday Skype like Sunday coffee; we never missed it. We still texted a couple times a day but not as often as when we were both at school. The nights on Skype felt no different from when we were together. We laughed, watched movies together, and talked about everything. He’d emailed me copies of his class notes and I even helped him study over the computer screen. The time and distance made it easier to move past the embarrassment I felt over the sex discussion we’d had before I left, and we were back to being us. We were Ryan and Julia… Julia and Ryan. Nothing was going to change it, so I accepted my fate. I would enjoy the time with him, suck it up when my heart broke, and be thankful for every second we had together.

When I’d flown into San Francisco, my dad was working and I expected Ellie to pick me up at the airport, but Ryan was there instead. It was a happy surprise; I couldn’t help melting into him when he hugged me hello, and when he lifted me off the ground my arms tightened and I’d closed my eyes in silent bliss. He smelled incredible and felt amazing. I never wanted to let go of him. It was heaven, though I was flushed, and it was a little weird when we’d separated. I wondered if Ellie told him Dave and I were done because I hadn’t, and Ryan hadn’t asked about him on our drive back from the airport or in the week since I’d been back. Not even once.

It was Saturday and the whole gang was going to a local flea market and a few thrift stores because Ellie and I needed to furnish our apartment, cheap. Ellie had her bedroom set that her parents hauled up from Los Angeles, we had a couple of mismatched chairs for the living room, and a small television. Other than that, we had nothing. My dad had given me a thousand dollars to buy furniture, but that wouldn’t go very far. I’d been sort of pissed at the amount until he told me he’d come to Palo Alto the week before classes began to, in his words, “fill in the blanks.”

Ellie, Jenna, and I were sitting in the back seat of Ryan’s CRV and Aaron was with him in the front seat. I liked my position in the rear passenger seat. It gave me a good view of Ryan, and I could observe him freely. Ellie caught me looking at him once, and I felt the heat rush into my cheeks. I looked down, then out the window, but she reached over and squeezed my hand. I could only hope I was better at hiding my feelings around the others. It was inevitable that Ellie might be suspicious. I’d seen her watching me when Ryan was around, and it was harder and harder to keep my feelings from showing like a beacon on my face. She knew me better than anyone—save Ryan. My lungs expanded as I took a quick, deep breath. I hoped to God he couldn’t tell. I looked back at Ellie and offered a weak smile.

There were several trucks lined up, tailgates down as their wares were being displayed. It was a seasonal thing held on a farm southwest of Palo Alto off Interstate 280, and a big chunk of the property was reserved for parking. Navigating through the throng of people walking toward the entrance was slow, and Ryan chose a parking place toward the back of the lot.

“If we find anything big, it will be hell loading it, Ryan,” Jenna complained.

“We’ll deal with that if it happens, honey,” Aaron responded.

“It’s only a couple hundred yards, Jen,” Ryan added.

“Okay, I’m not carrying anything heavy, just saying.”

“Wouldn’t want you to break a nail,” Ryan scoffed as he turned off the engine. “God forbid.” His blue eyes met mine in the rearview mirror and he smiled. “Jules will do all the heavy lifting.”

“Then what the hell do we need you for?”

“Decoration,” Ryan answered, amused.

Jenna snorted, and I huffed out a small laugh as I watched his face. He was strong and we all knew it would be Aaron and Ryan doing most of the work if we found anything worth buying.

“Yeah, right,” Jenna said dryly.

Ryan came up next to me and threw his arm over the top of my shoulders and around my neck, pulling me close to his side. “Aww! Jules always needs me, Jen.” His dancing blue eyes darted to mine and he smiled, his white teeth flashing brilliantly. “Right, Jules?”

“Unfortunately,” I tried to sound annoyed, but a smile pulled at my lips, and my heart hammered hard inside my chest. If he only knew. I tried to distract him by pushing away from his embrace and poking him in the ribs. “You’re making me all sweaty.”

He didn’t try to reach for me again, but a secret smile played on his mouth as he walked next to me. “There’s a thought,” he muttered under his breath.

My mind flashed to our “friends with benefits” discussion, and his teasing sort of pissed me off. He was the one who dashed that idea, so he could just keep his flirty mixed messages to himself.

“What exactly are we looking for?” Jen wanted to know as we came to the entrance gates. There was a small fee to get in, but I didn’t have my purse. The last thing I needed was to carry that thing around, and I dug my hand into the front pocket of my denim shorts.

“Furniture, pots and pans, and dishes. Basic stuff.”

“You can just cook all the meals at our place, Julia. We have pans,” Aaron teased.

“You didn’t put that entire wad of money in your pocket, did you?” Ellie asked.

Aaron huffed. “Why don’t you say it a little louder, Ellie? Jesus.”

Ellie glared at him. “Well?”

She was right. I shouldn’t have the entire thousand in my pocket, but I didn’t want to be bogged down with a purse. Ryan’s hand closed around my wrist before I could pull the money out. He shook his head and instead paid for Ellie and me, along with himself, to get into the flea market.

“Good thing some guys have manners,” Ellie spouted at Aaron who looped his arm around Jenna’s shoulders, and pulled her toward him so he could kiss her as they walked. It was awkward but it didn’t stop Aaron. Ryan and I walked behind them. “Ugh, get a room already. Do we have to watch that all day?”

“Yes,” Aaron replied wryly, still trying to kiss Jenna, who started to giggle happily.

We made our way through a few aisles without finding anything. There was a lot of hodgepodge junk that I had no clue why anyone would want, and a few booths had interesting lamps, dishes, picture frames, and other miscellaneous stuff.

I found an old table and chair set that was only a hundred dollars. It wasn’t anything to look at but it was functional, and it was really all we needed.

“It’s so ugly, Julia,” Ellie whined.

I looked at her pointedly. “It’s cheap. I have to save some of the money for an art table. That’s even more important to me than a bed.”

“That’s how I feel about my keyboard,” Ryan murmured. He was close but his back was to me as he looked through some stuff on one side of the booth.

I wanted the art table, but more than that, I wanted to get Ryan the MCAT study course for Christmas and it was expensive—as in a few thousand dollars. I’d already applied to work at the campus newspaper for this school year, and it would help with day-to-day expenses so I could tap into my savings to enroll him in the class. It was a big gift, but one I really wanted to give him. I’d considered that it could tip him off to my feelings, but he was the best friend I had. Nothing would make me happier than doing that for him.

“I’m surprised you don’t want to be a musician, Ryan,” Jenna said.

“He
is
a musician, Jen.” I couldn’t help but say it. He was a musician and a good one.

Ryan turned to look at me. His expression was serious and contemplative.

I wanted to say something to dig myself out of the hole I’d just landed in, but I couldn’t find the words.

Jenna rolled her eyes. “I know, Julia. I meant he could have a band.”

“He could.” I agreed. “So, Ellie, are we getting this table or what?” I tried to change the subject. “We can get a tablecloth to put on the table.” I looked more closely at the chairs. The seats were covered in ugly brown fabric, but it looked like I’d be able to pry them lose and recover them. “And we can paint the chairs and recover the seats.”

“That’s a lot of work.”

“Probably right, princess, but you won’t be doing it,” Ryan interjected wryly, shooting me a look. “I think that’s a good plan, Julia. I’ll help you paint it. We’ll do the table, too.”

A happy smile settled on my face, and I nodded. “Good.”

I peeled a one hundred dollar bill off the roll of money from inside my pocket, then shoved what was left back into it.

“Okay, as long as you think so,” Ellie agreed.

The old woman hosting the stall agreed to hold it for us while we looked through the rest of the flea market, and plastered a “sold” sign she made out of a paper plate on top of it.

When we left the booth, Ellie and Jenna were walking in front of us and Aaron was looking at a booth full of sport’s paraphernalia. I gently nudged Ryan’s arm with my shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Ellie’s a little big for her britches. I don’t see her forking over the cash.”

“Her parents aren’t very well off. It’s all they can do to pay her tuition.”

“Come on, Jules. Stop doing that.” Ryan leaned his hip up against the side of a beat up old pick-up truck filled with fresh produce that another vendor was selling. “If she’s got it so rough, why isn’t she a little more humble?”

“Not everyone is perfect, Ryan.”

“No, but she could be more help.”

“She’s not as creative as me. She takes things at face value.”

He nodded and ran a hand through his hair. It was getting hotter as the afternoon wore on. “Right. Ellie sees what
is
. You see what could be.”

My heart stopped inside my chest. I wondered why Ryan could always read me like a book, how he always got me when others didn’t. Sometimes, the way Ryan talked made him seem so much older, as if he had an old soul that had learned many lessons through many lives. It was just one more layer that set him even further apart from everyone else I’d ever known. He and I were both introspective and maybe that was part of our connection.

“Um… yeah. With a little TLC, anything can be more than it is. Does that make me weird?”

His teeth raked his lower lip, and he shook his head. “No. It makes you, you.”

A nervous laugh escaped, and I walked around him to lean on the truck bed at his side. “Yeah. Weird.”

“Not weird. Just you, and that’s a good thing. Trust me.”

Aaron picked up a football and turned toward us. “This thing is signed by the 49ers! The whole team!”

“Dude, how do you know it’s the whole team or if it’s legit? Seriously,” Ryan admonished.

Aaron paused, holding the ball and considered his brother’s words.

“It is,” the man sitting behind Aaron said. “You can go online and verify it against copies of the signatures.”

“See?” Aaron said.

“Uh huh, sure.” Ryan wasn’t convinced and his face filled with mocking disbelief. “Let’s get out of here. It’s getting hot, and I’m hungry.”

We all decided we would take two of the chairs in the back of Ryan’s CRV, and Ryan and Aaron would make another trip to get the other two chairs and the table without the rest of us so the back seat could be folded down.

We didn’t have dishes yet, so the boys dropped us off at their place. I gave Ryan my keys so they could take the first two chairs, and then the others with table, to our empty apartment. Jenna went inside to start doing Aaron’s laundry, and Ellie and I ran out to the grocery store to buy the makings for lunch.

We were in the produce aisle, and I was picking out stuff for a salad and toppings for the grilled chicken sandwiches I planned to make.