Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) (19 page)

“I’m not fucking around.” My voice was low, so the girls wouldn’t hear, but laced with a growl. I felt claustrophobic and wanted to reach across the empty chair between us and slug him across the mouth.

Ellie pulled out the chair between Nate and Shawn and plopped into it, at the same time I nodded to the chair next to me, silently indicating that Julia should sit next to me. Dave Kessler on the opposite side couldn’t be helped at this point.

“I ordered you both some coffee,” I said to the girls.

“Sorry,” Ellie muttered. She leaned on her folded arm and looked like she was about to pass out.

“Thanks, Ryan,” Julia said.

The waitress returned, we all ordered breakfast, and the conversation was full of generalities. It was normal to talk about nothing but bullshit when you didn’t know the people you were with very well; that was the way you got to know them, but I leaned back in my chair and zoned out.

To David’s chagrin, I pushed my open menu in front of Julia. I didn’t intend to piss him off, but he visibly stiffened. Julia didn’t notice either my action or his demeanor because sharing a menu was just something we did and wasn’t out of the ordinary. If I put myself in the other guy’s shoes, I’d have been pissed, too. I knew I needed to stop over-stepping my place, but habits were hard to break. If the guy hitting on Julia was a good guy and I knew it, maybe I wouldn’t feel so territorial, but this asshole wasn’t going to get what he was after from her as long as I was around.

When the meal came, most of us started to eat, and I shut my mouth and tried to stay out of Julia and Dave’s interaction. It wasn’t easy, and I was torn. I found myself just wanting to get the hell out of there, but a bigger part couldn’t leave her alone with him. Kessler was smooth, I had to give him that. He sidled up close to her side and talked to her in low tones designed to keep me and anyone else from hearing what he had to say. I knew her as well as I knew anyone, and I could tell by her nervous laugh and flushed cheeks he was flirting hard, maybe being too pushy. My fist clenched around the napkin I held in my hand.

Ellie was leaning on the table with her head resting on her folded arm, her eyelids drooping heavily and I used her as an excuse to draw Julia’s attention away from the asshole on her other side.

“Ellie, are you okay?” I shot Nathan a disapproving look. “Dude, you shouldn’t have let her get so wasted.”

He looked incredulous. “We were having fun. You’re too uptight.”

“I’m okay. I do want to go home.”

“Nate, why don’t you drive Ellie, and I’ll follow you with Julia,” Dave suggested before turning toward Julia and taking her hand. His voice lowered a couple of decibels. “I want to be alone with you for a while.”

Thankfully, Julia shook her head. “She’ll need me to help her into the dorm and into bed.”

I wanted to say that I’d help, but I had to take Shawn back to his place, and I’d damn well be checking up on them once that was done. Dave was able to hide his annoyance from Julia only because her focus was on Ellie, but I saw right through him.

I leaned in toward Julia. “I’ll take Shawn home then check on you guys.”

“You don’t need to, Ryan.” Julia smiled softly, but there was sadness behind her eyes that nagged at me.

“What if you can’t get Ellie inside by yourself?”

“Dave and I can follow them, and we’ll make sure they get in all right,” Nate said.

“Sounds like a plan,” Dave answered with a smug smile and inwardly, I seethed.

We all finished the meal, and while I was drawn into the conversation with the others, my ears were straining to hear the low conversation between Julia and Kessler. He was making plans to take Julia out the following weekend.

I inhaled a breath, hoping it would ease the uncomfortable tightness in my chest and fix the erratic heartbeat that was close to making me sick. I’d have to deal with the insane attraction I felt for Julia, and I’d have to find a way to get over it. I ran a hand through my hair, my cheeks puffing out as I let out the air in my lungs.

I made a silent pact with myself. I’d have to focus on school and concentrate my social energy on dating. Being out with other women would accomplish three things; my social calendar would fill up with activities it would be impossible to include Julia, it would get my head back around our friendship, and it would ease the physical ache that was becoming a problem.

~8~
Hard Facts

Somehow, I was surviving. I was trying hard to balance being Ryan’s friend but the signals coming off him were so mixed; I was confused more often than not. He acted jealous, but there was a definite divide between our friendship and his social life. We kept to our Sunday coffee schedule, but soon, we wouldn’t have Lit together, and it was getting impossible to plan classes together because our majors were so different.

I was sad and frustrated, torn between screaming at him, crying my eyes out when I was alone and never seeing him again. The latter was impossible, even if being with him was starting to hurt. It ached when I was with him and when I wasn’t. After coffee today, I agreed to come back to Aaron and Ryan’s apartment to make dinner for everyone. Afterward, I spent two hours quizzing Ryan to help prepare him for his Organic Chemistry final, and now, we were both studying for other finals.

My eyes fell on Ryan. He was sprawled out on his bed, face down, reading a book on his laptop and I was sitting at the desk in his room trying to work on one of my communications papers. The cords from both of our computers were plugged into the wall behind mine in a tangled mess. The light in the room was low and most of it came from our respective computer screens.

I closed my eyes. They were burning from the hours spent staring at the screen and the muscles in my neck and shoulders were screaming as well. The light from Ryan’s computer turned his perfect features into a plethora of contrasting light and dark shadows. I rubbed my neck as my mind committed his image to memory because it would become the next portrait in my ever-growing portfolio. I’d be sunk if Ryan ever saw those drawings. I’d be sunk if Ellie, Jenna or anyone else saw them. They were so personal, and other than the fact my feelings would be outed, I just didn’t want anyone else to see them. With summer looming in front of me, I’d have three months without Ryan, and no doubt the number of drawings in my portfolio would increase.

I’d been trying to get over it, trying hard not to be in love with him, but I measured every other man against him. I knew it was toxic, but I couldn’t help it and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Ryan was so perfect. My heart seized just looking at him.

I was basically forcing myself to date Dave Kessler on a regular basis, and it had been more than two months since that uncomfortable night when I was sandwiched between him and Ryan at the IHOP. Now, Ryan made himself scarce whenever Dave was going to be around, and it was some unspoken agreement between us.

If only I could really care about Dave. I let him touch me, I made out with him with heavy petting, but when it came down to it, I hadn’t been able to go through with full-blown sex. Stupidly, I felt guilty, and so, when Dave pressed me, I said I just wasn’t ready. He wasn’t Ryan. Even as I thought it, I wanted to punch myself. I could see Dave’s irritation written all over his face whenever Ryan would call or text me when Dave and I were together. He was starting to catch on and we’d had three fights over Ryan since we’d been seeing each other. One just earlier today when Dave wanted me to go over to the frat house, but I’d already made plans to study with Ryan. It ended with me ending the call mid-sentence, and I’d kept my phone off most of the day since.

Finals were next week, and I was silently grateful to be going home to Kansas City for summer break. My mom and dad were divorced and I’d grown up there so when I picked a place for college, I wanted to be closer to my dad. Ryan was staying on campus and taking summer classes, but maybe the distance away from him would do me good.

It was late, and when I yawned, Ryan caught it.

“Are you tired?”

I nodded and laid my head down in my folded arms, but turned to look at him. “Yes, aren’t you?”

Ryan shut down his laptop and set it on the floor before turning and crawling toward the end of the bed closest to the desk. He flopped back down on his stomach and propped his chin in his hand, his blue eyes darker in the dimness of the room.

“Yeah. You’re preoccupied. What’s up?”

My heart fell and soared at the same time. Part of me wished Ryan didn’t know me so well, but there was nothing I loved more than being with him.

My shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. “Just thinking about summer and stuff.”

Ryan rolled onto his back and shifted over on the bed, leaving a pillow free, he patted the bed next to him. He silently invited me to share it. I couldn’t help myself. I longed to feel the heat of his body only inches away, to smell the scent of his skin, to be closer. I moved the few feet necessary and lay next to him. He threw the old sleeping bag he used for a comforter over us both. It was unzipped and so covered most of the bed. I turned onto my side toward him, cuddling the bag closer and looking into his face. I could feel the heat radiating between us and filling up the space beneath the blanket, but I was careful not to touch him.

“Stuff?” he asked in a murmur. He reached up and grabbed the small remote he used to turn on the iPod docked on a shelf by the TV across the room. Soft music flooded the room and before I could stop myself, images floated through my mind of Ryan making love to faceless women in this room with music playing, in this bed.

I inhaled a shaky breath and nodded. “Yeah.”

“Are you worried what will happen with Dave over the summer?”

I shook my head, my eyes never leaving Ryan’s face. “No. I guess I should, huh?” Self-preservation should have taught me to be a better liar.

He shook his head, his hand reaching out to squeeze my upper arm that was beneath the covers. “He’s not the guy,” he said simply.

He was right. Dave wasn’t the guy. I was looking at the guy.

“You may be biased.”

He nodded. “I told you in February what I thought.”

I frowned at him. “Yes, but do you think you get a say?”

“As your friend, I want what’s best for you.”

Smack! I was starting to hate the F word. I huffed loudly and flopped onto my back. “So?”

“So, he’s a user.”

“It hasn’t been like that.”

“He’s a user,” he said it again, so matter-of-factly.

“You’re a fine one to talk, Ryan. I never see you with anyone. I mean, being friends and all, you’d tell me if you had a girlfriend. You’d bring her around me. Right?”

“You don’t bring that asswipe around me.” His voice was irritated.

“You’re never around. It’s not like I tell you to stay away.”

“I’m not a fan of animosity. I don’t tell you not to be around, either, but it’s easier, isn’t it?”

I turned toward him again. “I suppose. Do you have a girlfriend I don’t know about? Because if you did, wouldn’t I at least know about her? Jenna would tell me.” He didn’t say anything and just lay there looking at me. “She’s said you’ve been out on a few doubles with her and Aaron, but it’s always a different girl.”

“So?” he asked indifferently.

“So, you’re no different than Dave. He’s been seeing me for two months. Your record is what? 6 hours?” I knew my voice was filled with sarcasm, but I couldn’t hide it.

He didn’t look mad at me, but he studied my face. “The truth is, it’s weird to talk to you about it.”

The breath left my chest. Did he think I’d fall into a sobbing heap around him and his bimbos? If so, could I be more humiliated?

“Why? I know you’re with a different girl every weekend, so why don’t you want to introduce me? You think if I don’t meet them, I’m somehow oblivious?” I forced out a harsh laugh. “
Please
, Ryan.”

“Julia, that’s not it. And, yeah, I take girls out, but I’m not preying on women.”

“Yeah, so you’ve said. And, I know they practically beg. Forgive me. That’s so much better.” My chin jutted out of its own volition. I was pissed, and I started to get up, but Ryan’s hand shot out to stop me. His fingers wrapped around my arm.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. I just think you and I are close, and it’s weird for them. It’s easier to keep you and me separate from that stuff.”

It was weird and painful for me, too, even if he wasn’t aware of it. Honestly, I didn’t need or want to be around it, but part of me hurt when I thought he was hiding things from me. I was sitting there, still as stone, and his hand remained around my arm. I finally pulled it free. “That has its drawbacks, too. Dave and I had a huge fight today. He’s pissed that I don’t want him to join us when I make plans with you.” If it was all copasetic, we should all be able to hang out together. The women would have to deal, and Dave would have to deal. The issue was that Ryan and I were close, and it was hard to dial it back. “He doesn’t want me spending time at your house alone with you. Like this.”

“Fuck him.”

“That’s what he says about you.”

“I’m sorry.”