Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) (22 page)

“Julia, why don’t we buy some of that deli turkey? This seems like a lot of work.”

“What? You live on birdseed and raisins. You’d settle for nitrates and saw dust?”

“Gross.” Her face screwed up in horror. “When you put it that way, no.”

“Thought so. I just wish I had time to marinate the chicken.”

I picked out an organic tomato, some lettuce, a cucumber and a red onion. I planned to make a Dijon vinaigrette for the salad, and a lemon and pepper rub for the chicken. If I had more time, I’d use white wine with the rub and let it set in the refrigerator overnight. I sighed regretfully, knowing how much better it could be. Maybe next time.

I didn’t have time to make it from scratch, so we picked up some deli potato salad, and in the time I’d spent with Aaron, I knew he’d want something sweet. Ryan liked sweets, too, but they were Aaron’s favorite part of the meal. I racked my brain for a quick and easy dessert.

“You go to so much trouble. I don’t get it. Or do I?” Ellie asked knowingly.

My back was to her so she couldn’t see my eyes widen. “It makes me happy to do things for my friends. Especially when you’ve all been so helpful.”

“I didn’t do anything, and it’s for our apartment.”

“It is, so you should be more gracious and help me. What should we make for dessert?”

“Cookies?” She picked up a package of chocolate chips and turned it over to read the recipe printed on the back.

“Mmmm… It’s too hot to start the oven. That’s why we’re grilling outside.”

We made our way down the aisle lined with flour, cake mixes, spices and other baking needs.

“Forgive me, Julia, but why the hell are we in this row then?”

I came across the instant pudding and picked up a box. “Maybe we can get creative with instant stuff.”

“Oh, my God! You’re not making something from scratch? I die!” She was being dramatic and an older woman, pushing her cart past us laughed.

“I don’t have time today.” I put the box of vanilla pudding I was holding in the cart then gathered the rest of the things I needed. Finally, we were heading back to our new apartment. It wasn’t far from campus, and only a mile or so from Ryan and Aaron’s place.

I was busy crushing Oreos inside a plastic bag with a rolling pin when Ryan and Aaron came in.

Ryan went to the kitchen sink to wash his hands. “What are you making?”

I looked up at him as he peered curiously at the bag of black crumbs. I pushed on the rolling pin again and the sound of the crushing made his eyebrow shoot up quizzically. “Just sandwiches and salad.”

He looked at the bowl full of crumbs next to me, and the empty Oreo package lying beside it. “Mushed Oreos on toast? Yum.”

I huffed and rolled my eyes. “Yes. Can you start the grill?” Ryan and Aaron roughed it in many ways, but they did have a grill. Grilling seemed to be a “he-man” requirement. Most guys I knew could grill if they had no other cooking skills.

I pulled the square pan filled with the vanilla pudding I’d made from the refrigerator then lifted the bowl of crumbs and dumped them on top. While I was spreading them to cover all of the pudding, Ryan smiled. “What is it? It looks good.”

“Dirt pudding.”

“Pudding?” Aaron interjected from the living room. The apartment was small so our voices carried easily. “Pudding is for pussies!”

I laughed softly as I pressed the cookie crumbs into the pudding with the flat of my hand. There was another thick layer of cookie crumbs in the center, so maybe it would satisfy Aaron. “Okay, I officially rename this dirt
cake
. Happy?”

“Depends on how it tastes.”

“Aaron! Give it a rest. You’ve got Jenna washing your shorts and Julia feeding your ass. What do you have to complain about?” Ryan leaned on the counter near enough that I could smell his cologne. I was finished, I went to the sink to wash my hands, then returned the dessert to the refrigerator.

“This was just something I came up with in a hurry.” I felt almost apologetic.

“Julia, we could have gotten burgers and brought them back.”

“I know, but I wanted to do this for you guys. It’s no big deal. Are you going to light the grill?” I reminded.

Ryan’s eyes were intense as they studied me. It always unnerved me when he looked at me like that, and he seemed to be doing it more and more. I felt naked, as if he could read my mind or steal my soul.

“Aaron!” Ryan called to his brother. “Light the grill for Julia, will you?” His attention returned to me. “Do you want to go to the hardware store for paint and sandpaper after we eat? Might as well get started on fixing it up.”

“That sounds good.”

It wasn’t long before Ryan was grilling the chicken breasts, and Ellie and I were pulling out plates, silverware, and condiments. The guys didn’t have much in the refrigerator, but I had purchased everything we needed for the sandwiches.

Ellie opened the plastic container of potato salad and shoved a tablespoon into it.

I sliced a tomato with one of the knives. It was old and dull, so the result was less than stellar. Juice and tomato seeds squashed out onto the plate resulting in a puddle of juice. “Maybe we can go to some thrift shops tomorrow.”

“I thought we were doing that after lunch?”

I lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. “We can, but Ryan offered to help me start working on the table and chairs. You, Aaron, and Jenna could go without us, if you want.”

She looked at me steadily as she pulled open the plastic wrapping on the napkins we’d purchased. “You and Ryan, huh?”

I met her eyes briefly then looked away, deciding I should get the lettuce out, and pull some leaves free. I put them next to the tomato slices on the plate.

“Not really.”

“Yes, it is.”

I shook my head and wiped my hands on one of the napkins. “No, it isn’t, Ellie.”

“Then why did he insist on picking you up at the airport?”

“I don’t know. We’re friends. If it was a big deal, I’m sure he would have let you do it.” I tried to keep my voice even and not give any of my inner turmoil away.

Jenna had been outside with the boys and came into the kitchen. “I’m starving!” she said then stopped, looking between Ellie and me. “What’s up?”

I gave a quick shake of my head. “Nothing.”

“I guess you, Aaron and I are going thrifting this afternoon and R and J are working on the table.”

“Hmmm. I see.” Her blue eyes narrowed.

“Ugh!” I was exasperated. “What’s with everyone? Nothing is different between Ryan and me.”

Ellie nodded. “Exactly, Julia.”

“Yeah,” Jenna added.

“What? Ryan suggested we get to work on it. He might not be able to help me as much after classes start. So what?”

“So, it’s you and Ryan alone,” Jenna said.

“Yeah.
Working
.”

“Did you know Ryan called and asked me if he could pick her up at the airport, Jenna?” Ellie directed the question at Jenna.

“Doesn’t surprise me. Why don’t you guys just hook up already?” Jenna smirked. “You’re done with that Dave guy, right?”

“Yes. So what? Ryan and I are friends and we have this whole dynamic with all of you guys that I don’t want to mess up. Also, he doesn’t want to.” I resisted the urge to shrug. “We talked about it last semester, so can we drop it, please?”

Both of the girls looked surprised. Jenna’s eyes got wide, and Ellie’s mouth made a silent “oh.”

“He doesn’t want to.” Jenna’s tone was skeptical. “Um, not buying it.”

“You asked him, Julia?” Ellie was incredulous.

“It was a joke, but it’s clear he doesn’t want to go there.”

“Did he laugh at you?” Ellie was more naïve than Jenna, who continued to study me. I could almost feel her eyes boring a hole into me.

“Guys don’t turn down sex. Like,
ever
,” Jenna said dryly.

They do when they’re your best friend
, my mind screamed. “Like I said, it was a joke. Can we stop talking about this before the guys come in? I’m sure the chicken is almost done.” I couldn’t see Ryan or Aaron given that their apartment was in the basement and the grill was in the backyard, and the last thing I needed was Ryan walking in on this conversation. “Can we drop it?” I asked again.

Ellie refused to let it go. “Ryan isn’t indifferent to you, Julia. It’s written all over him.”

I sucked in my breath.
If only that were true.
I knew he cared about me, but sexually, I felt as appealing to him as a cardboard box. “Nah. Ryan’s a magnet for women. He doesn’t even realize it.”

“Bullshit. He knows, all right,” Jenna replied. “I’ve seen him in action when Aaron and I go out on doubles with him. Those poor girls don’t stand a chance when he turns it on.”

“Even when he doesn’t. The day Julia and I met him, a girl in our class was practically falling over herself to get him to notice her.” The conversation had become between Jenna and Ellie, and I was more and more uncomfortable. “It was sort of embarrassing to watch.”

My face began to burn, and I knew it would soon be turning red. “Okay, enough. Ryan is really good looking. Women want him. He and I are good friends. The end. I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be out in a couple minutes.”

“Julia,” Jenna called after me as I hurried down the hall. “We didn’t mean to upset you.”

I ignored her and kept going, their voices becoming muffled when I shut the door behind me. My chest hurt as I glanced in the mirror. My face was flushed, and my heart pounded so hard it felt like it might fly from my body. The situation was excruciating enough without my best friends hammering me with it. I didn’t want to talk about it. Nothing was going to change, and I’d made peace with accepting it, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

I turned on the water and put my hand under the running stream. I pressed a cold, wet hand to my forehead then to each of my hot cheeks. I had to get this under control and fast.

*****

Julia was quiet through lunch. Everything was delicious. The dirt cake thing she made was amazing. We sat in a circle, each of us scooping up mouthfuls of Julia’s concoction from the community pan. Everyone showered Julia with accolades, especially Aaron.

“Holy shit, Jules!” he said between mouthfuls. “Oh my God.”

“Are you coming in your pants, or eating?” I admonished sardonically. “Jesus, Aaron.”

Jenna and Ellie laughed out loud, and Julia’s lips curled up in a coy smile. She didn’t say much as we cleaned up the mess, throwing the paper plates in the trashcan Aaron and I had stashed in one of the lower cupboards. Ellie gathered the utensils and put them all in the sink. Even though they were plastic, they planned on washing them for re-use.

I wondered what happened to change Julia’s mood. We all left at the same time, Aaron, Jenna, and Ellie left in Ellie’s car, and Julia was with me in my CRV. The air conditioning was on and the windows closed, but she was looking out of the one on the passenger side.

“Do you feel okay, Julia?”

“Hmm?” She turned her head toward me. “What? I’m fine.”

“You look so deep in thought. We can do this another time if you want.”

She shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I was just thinking. I’ve been going over the class schedule and I want to take some more art classes, but I only have four hours of electives left. I’m just figuring out if I should even bother.”

I was skeptical. Julia never let class stuff preoccupy her as she apparently was now. She was always so decisive. I knew she’d been disappointed when she couldn’t double major in art and business because of the way the two colleges were structured within the university, and they didn’t allow crossovers, but she hadn’t mentioned it in months. When she said she wanted an art table earlier that day, I decided then and there I’d buy one for her birthday the coming month or for Christmas. It made me feel a little giddy knowing I’d be able to give her something that would make her so happy.

“I know how much you love art.” I’d seen a few things she’d drawn. One day last spring, we’d had a picnic at one of the local parks, and she’d drawn some sketches of two children playing near us. I’d been shocked at how truly good she was. The drawings were fast, but with a little more work, they’d look like photographs. She was very talented, and it just made me want to be closer to her still. We had so many things in common. We loved the same music, were close to our parents, and we both had big dreams for the future.

“I do, but it’s hard. None of it will count toward graduation beyond the four unrestricted elective credits, and I already have that from my freshman year. That, and that one Human Anatomy class.”

“I saw a bit of your drawings. You’re very good.”

She smiled softly. “Thank you, Ryan.”

“I mean it. It’s my responsibility as your best friend to tell you if you suck at something.” I tried to tease her because her introspection was killing me.

“Does that work both ways?”

I shot her a quick glance, a grin splitting my face. “What do you think?” She had her hair all pulled up in a bun on top of her head, tendrils escaping in all directions. I wondered if women made their hair all messy to be provocative, because it worked. The curve of her neck and her bare arms in the shirt she was wearing—the tight material clung to the curves of her breasts and left a hint of cleavage in view, all made me ultra-aware of my attraction to her. My hands gripped the steering wheel harder, and my cock jumped against my will. Fuck, I needed to quit it.