Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) (7 page)

“Naw. I miss home. Do you think Dad can get tickets to the Blackhawks?”

“I’m sure he’d love that!”

The call ended with me writing down the airline information and making note of the time we had to be at the airport. It was almost six, and Aaron would be on my ass to meet him out for dinner before the party, so I pulled a clean pair of jeans and boxer briefs from the dresser and blue button-down from the closet before heading into the bathroom to shower.

*****

The next morning, I woke up in bed with the girl who invited me to the party. Her body strung over me, and she was sleeping soundly, the dead weight making it hard to move. I lifted my head and looked around. It was bright from the mid-morning sunlight streaming in. I squinted and searched for a clock, finding a digital alarm type sitting on an old crate next to her bed. My clothes had to be somewhere, but I could only see one of my socks. It was the second morning in a row that I awoke to be blinded by the fucking sun. My head was pounding like a mother; a reminder of how much alcohol I’d consumed the night before.

The night was a blur of loud music, flirting, and beer. I’d lost count how many beers I’d downed, but it was definitely more than usual. I remembered checking my phone for Julia’s text between each round, only to be disappointed and getting more and more pissed off as the hours wore on, so when Annie, the girl who’d invited me, convinced me to dance, I did. The music changed to a slow song, she started kissing me, and pushing her tits into my chest, and I went with it.

Aaron disappeared with a pretty buxom blonde he’d introduced to me briefly, and I was left with a woman I barely knew. She was nice and attentive. I relaxed more as the evening wore on and a few more beers later, when she invited me up to her room, the party was in full swing. I went, thinking it would be easier to talk. I wasn’t drunk, but I’d been feeling good. Her roommate was still out, and she got me another beer from the small refrigerator, which stood beneath the window. It was quieter, and the beer was better than the keg beer they were serving. She plugged in her iPod and we just sat and talked for a while, and almost the entire time I was comparing her to Julia. I hated myself. When she kissed me, I closed my eyes and allowed myself to imagine green eyes and long, dark hair. I knew what I was doing. Part of me felt like hell doing it, and another part of me wanted the fantasy. I’d never have Julia, so I closed my eyes and let my mind convince me I wasn’t with this obscure girl who was now laying on top of me, yet meant nothing.

I had no clue what to do next. She was nice, but this is as far as this would go. I was a dick for having sex with her, but I wasn’t going to compound it by leading her on, and I itched to make my escape. Panic seized my chest momentarily until I saw the empty foil packet on the nightstand. Thank God, I wasn’t so drunk off my ass that I forgot to be safe.

I gently pushed her sleeping form off my chest and scooted closer to the edge of the bed. My phone chimed from the floor. It had fallen from the back pocket of my jeans and some sixth sense told me that was Julia texting. I wanted to talk to her, but obviously I couldn’t do it here. I scouted the room and found my clothes strewn across the floor, mixed with Annie’s in a pile between her bed and her roommate’s empty one. In two minutes flat, I was dressed, out the door and in my CRV. I ran a hand through my hair. My mouth was dry, and I wanted to brush my teeth, shower and shave, as if doing so would erase the events of the prior evening.

I shoved the key in the ignition. It was cold, my breath clearly visible in the November air. I was shivering, and I didn’t want Julia to ask questions so I couldn’t call her as I wanted. I reached out, flipping on the heat full blast, but only frigid air rushed from the vents. I threw my phone on the passenger seat and shoved the car in gear. The sooner I got home, the better I’d feel. I only hoped Aaron was otherwise occupied so I could get inside without his knowledge. The last thing I needed was him running his mouth about my walk of shame in front of Julia. Technically, I’d done nothing wrong, aside from casual sex, but something in my gut said Julia did not need to know.

*****

It was 11 AM on Sunday morning and I hadn’t heard from Ryan. In two months, this was probably the first Sunday we weren’t already on the phone or meeting up somewhere by this time. I tried to shrug it off. I’d slept in a little longer than usual after my night out with Ellie, and maybe Ryan was still sleeping as well.

My stomach rumbled slightly. I hadn’t eaten last night because I planned on eating with Ryan, and after we hit the club, I’d forgotten about it. I hated living in the dorms because it meant I couldn’t eat without showering and getting dressed first. Ellie was already MIA, and I wondered if she was still in the shower or already gone.

Walking down the hall to the shower carting my towel and the bucket that contained my shampoo, conditioner and shower gel. I was reminded why Ellie already left. There were two shower rooms on our floor—one on each end—and when I opened the one closest to my room, I was faced with the screeching voice of Amy Jefferson. I cringed and leaned against the wall. I had a writing class with her and her personality was grating. She had bright red hair cropped short, almost like a man’s, except for the longer bit on top, and her face was covered with a bad case of acne. I would have felt sorry for her, except for her narcissistic tendency. She had aspirations of being an opera star, thinking she had the greatest voice ever, and went around making comparisons of her voice to Sarah Brightman and dissing Barbara Streisand. It was all I could do not to tell her off or roll my eyes right in her face when she started that crap. She was in flat-out belting mode, and I debated leaving and making the walk to the other showers on the other end.

“Amy, who sings this song?” someone asked from a stall on the end, her voice loud enough to shout over the singing and the sound of three running showers.

“Celine Dion!” Amy stopped singing long enough to answer happily.

“How about we keep it that way?” the unknown voice retorted dryly.

I couldn’t help giggling. Most of the dorms on campus were large and I didn’t know all of the girls personally. I didn’t recognize the voice, but she was funnier than hell.

“That’s rude!” Amy said angrily.

“You’re rude! My ears are bleeding from that shit. Stop torturing us, already,” the anonymous girl retorted.

I couldn’t stifle the full-out laugh that burst out, and so I darted into a stall, pulling the curtain shut behind me. The last thing I needed was for Amy to know I was laughing, even though I wasn’t the only one.

“Well said, Jen!” Ellie’s voice interjected. “Enough, already.”

My eyes widened. Ellie was so soft-spoken and kind, it wasn’t like her to add her support to any type of criticism. I shed my flannel pajama pants and T-shirt and was in and out of the shower in just a few minutes. Ellie was dressed and towel drying her short hair by the time I got back to our room.

“Can you believe that ding-dong, Amy?” Ellie asked incredulously.

“Yeah, she’s delusional. Who was that other girl? Jen, I think you called her?”

“I don’t know her that well, but she’s cool. She’s in one of my liberal arts classes.”

“She’s funny.”

Ellie nodded, picking up the blow dryer. “Ryan called,” she said.

My heart leapt a little in my chest. “He did?”

“Sorry. I answered it when I saw who it was. He wants you to call him back. Did you see him last night?”

“No. He had a date, I think.”

I could feel her eyes follow my movements. “Do you think he was mad that you didn’t meet him the other night?”

“I doubt it.” I went to pick out a pair of jeans and a purple V-neck T-shirt. The black leather portfolio that my mother had given me for my last birthday was tucked between the foot of my bed and the closet. It had been empty since I’d come to school, but last night, after a night spent alone drawing, it now had its first occupant. I flushed a little.

Our room was small, so privacy was limited while we were both there. I was thankful she’d been out on a date of her own when my stupid emotions got the better of me. I was shaken by how Ryan going on a date affected me. I got all choked up and sad that he was with some faceless woman I didn’t know. I’d come to rely on his presence, and I wasn’t prepared for how miserable the prospect of losing time with him made me feel. I felt ridiculously wounded, but I had no right to feel that way.

I cleared my throat, the memory of it all feeling fresh and new. The last thing I needed was to relive it.

Ellie finished drying her hair, and I took my turn in front of the mirror to dry mine, pull it back, and put on a little make-up. I stared at my reflection, mentally comparing my green eyes, pale complexion, and dark hair to the imaginary beauty I’d conjured in my head. What if he got serious about some girl and we couldn’t hang out any more? I didn’t want to think about it.

“When do you leave for Kansas City, Julia?”

“Wednesday morning. I’m sort of looking forward to it.” I wanted some perspective, and I hoped distance away from Ryan was the one, sure way to get it. I sat down on the bed and pulled on some thick socks.

Ellie was sitting on her own bed, which was across from mine. Both of them were twin beds in the small dorm room. She grabbed one of her textbooks from the shelf over her desk and opened it. “Aren’t you going to call Ryan back?”

I shrugged. I should. I had no right to feel indignant about his date, but I still felt fragile and I didn’t know how to handle it. I wasn’t sure if I was capable of hiding my feelings from him. “Probably. I want to go over my paper once more before I email it to my professor. I think I’ll take my laptop to the library.”

The truth was, I had a lot left to do on it. The night before I’d felt too crappy to concentrate and self-medicated the whole evening away, taking a hot shower, then spending the rest of the night drawing a portrait of Ryan. It was the first I’d done of him, and I spent hours on it, wanting to get every nuance of his face perfect. Somehow, it helped ease the ache because in drawing him, he was with me.

“Okay.” I could sense she had questions, but she didn’t press me.

I was in serious danger of getting my heart crushed. I’d known it for weeks, but it didn’t stop me from spending time with him. If I were honest, my time with Ryan was the best part of my day.

I threw a heavy sweater on over my T-shirt, my leftover melancholy not diminishing by Ryan’s attempt to get in touch with me. In the process of packing my computer and notes into my backpack, my phone jingled. I knew who it was before I picked it up and rather than being thrilled, I was apprehensive. Still, I read his text.

Jules, are you around? I called. Did Ellie tell you?

I quickly typed out an answer before sliding my arms into my coat and grabbing my backpack.

Yes. I’m on my way to the library to finish my paper.

His response was immediate.

Oh. I hoped you were done so we could hang out today.

My heart swelled with relief. Whatever happened on that date, it wasn’t enough to preoccupy Ryan today.

I’d like to, but I should study at least a couple of hours.

Can you meet me for coffee later? Maybe 3 or 4?

4 will be better. The Student Union?

Cool. If you’re finished by then, maybe we can hit the movie tonight?

Yes. :)

Great. See you then.

Suddenly, everything was right with my world.

~3~
Christmas in Chicago

I was bored shitless; lying on the floor of my room at my parents’ house with my lower legs flung on top of the bed. I didn’t know what to fucking do with myself. I’d been home two days, and I was going stir crazy.

I tossed the baseball against the wall opposite me. My dad caught it from a pop fly on opening day two years before when Aramis Ramirez was at bat. I threw it again, remembering how pissed Aaron had been that I’d won the coin toss and, in turn, this ball. In retrospect, I realized I probably could have just let him have it. I rolled it around in my hand, admiring the smooth, almost-new leather before I resumed the mindless activity. Thump, thump, thump… The noise and the motion of it providing the white noise I needed.