Bend for Home, The (13 page)

No, Father.

He pulled hard. I went with his hand.

What height are you? he asked me.

Six foot, I said as he drew me standing.

Six foot
what
? he asked.

Six foot nothing, I said.

Jimmy McInerney broke into a fit of laughter.

Six foot,
Father
! Smigs said, gritting his teeth, then he reached down with his other hand and took McInerney’s ear.

Isn’t that right, McInerney?

Yes, Father, said Jimmy, and his mouth went up into a v.

I got a bottle of stout and exchanged it for a beer and then went and got four. We drank them and went out the lines to Loreto. We climbed the portals of the front door of the convent, then went along the first-storey ledge to look in at the girls in the main hall – the whole gang of beauties from Cavan dancing! A tall nun was playing a record player and the girls in white blouses and wine dresses were waltzing in pairs while a nun called out the steps
and
it’s
one
two!
and
it’s
one
two
girls!
and
it’s
one
two!
as she moved her head to and fro. I was so mesmerized that when a girl came walking towards the window I stepped back and nearly fell to the ground below, but Andy reached out a hand to stop me and my leather jacket snagged on the pebbledash.

Christ, Andy, I said.

That was close, he said.

My knees started to shake uncontrollably.

Steady, he said.

He took my hand and led me along the ledge. We climbed down and waited in the fir trees till the girls at last came to the lower rooms for piano practice. A window opened and Sheila looked out. I crawled across and said Hallo. She put a finger to her lips and leant out and gave me a kiss and nuzzled her nose against my nose then whispered shhh! shhh! and then slowly and quietly she pulled the window down.

Is
there
any
word
in
there
about
the
Breifne?
asked
my
mother.

There
is,
I
said.

It
was
terrible
life
we
had
back
then,
she
said,
and
you,
you
bugger,
you
broke
my
heart.

I
did,
I
said.

God
forgive
you,
she
said.

I stayed in the house after dinner by the fire reading
Huckleberry
Finn.
The Town Hall fire alarm rang. Bud McNamara, the fireman, came racing on a woman’s bike down Main Street. Dick Mulcahy and Joe Duffy, with the brakes on their bikes screeching, came down the Barracks Hill. Tommy Reilly of the Regal left his dinner behind him. The big engine roared up Farnham Street from the fire station at the back of the library, bell going like the clappers, and waited by the Town Hall. Next the small engine came. The firemen took off their helmets and stood around in their great high waders that opened up round their thighs like champagne glasses. And they searched the sky for smoke.

Who put off the alarm? Joe Duffy asked, but no one knew.

I wouldn’t mind, said Frank O’Keefe, but up of a Sunday. Of a fucking Sunday.

Well on t’ night.

We stole Hickey’s car and drove over the Cock Hill. Then I went down to the Ulster Arms with Dermot and a stray dog. I had 12 beers and he had 11. I was never in such good form and he got sick. Later I smoked in front of Maisie.

What are
you
doing? she asked.

I’m having a smoke, I said.

You’ll destroy yourself yet.

Will you have one? I asked.

No thank you, she replied, glaring at me. You have a nerve.

So we sat there smoking in front of the mirror and then I went to bed and listened to the Luxembourg and woke in the dark with the radio on a foreign station and the voices going fast like they were at an auction.

Woke feeling sorry and did not go to college. Josie arrived with a letter from Sheila.

I brought Josie into my house to show her our photo album and then I worked in Noel’s for the night. Got my wages and 20 fags, had a bath and powdered Simon, then put on my suit and new shoes and hitched to a jiving competition in Butlersbridge marquee.

Are you young Healy? the driver asked me.

I am.

We all have our problems, he said.

The ground round the marquee was swimming in muck and the van sank. The wheels screeched.

Fuck her, he said, I’ll leave her there.

We drank in the field and then went into the tent. The local men were plastered.

You fucking townee, someone shouted at me. Let me at him.

Hold back there now, the driver said, he’s only a lad.

He’s from the Half Acre.

And tell me this, the driver said very slowly, what’s wrong with the Half Acre?

Nothing, your man said.

Would she bang? someone shouted.

The competition started. Lorraine McCarren was my partner. We got through to the last round and came second. Andy Murray and Eitna Wall won. I went out the back to piss on sawdust. The driver was asleep in the back of his van so I had to walk home. I went to bed, turned off the light and put the radio to my ear. Aunt Maisie looked in and said I was abusing privilege.

Things will be different when your mother comes home, she said.

I showed her the cup I’d won.

Don’t be trying to get around me, she said.

Went to 11 Mass and fell asleep. Stayed home after dinner then t’night walked out the lines to Loreto with Andy. The girls were down at the
piano rooms. Sheila opened the window and Andy whistled and she put a finger to her lips. Then the three windows opened and the Cavan town girls began playing various sonatas while we listened from the trees. It was lovely. A nun came into the Sheila’s room. We could see them talking. She was giving off. Then one by one all the windows came down.

On the way home Andy cut the arse off a bird with a stone.

Slept in. Did not go to college. Then was sorry I didn’t go. Went back to sleep. The girls in the bakery were singing. I dreamt I saw my father’s face at the window. He was looking in at me while I slept. So in the dream I cried but woke dry-eyed with a thumping heart. Got up at 1 o’clock and worked in Noel’s then went and played Pongo.

When I got home the girls were playing the accordion in the bakehouse. I was afraid to go asleep again for fear of what I might see.

Did not go to college. Lay there looking at the ceiling while Una called me from the yard. Then Maisie came into my room.

Get up!

I’m sick, I said.

Go to
school
! she snarled.

No.

She shook the bottom of the bed, slapped her hands and her eyes blazed.

You are not my responsibility, she said. You are not mine! Do you hear?

She slammed the door. She cursed me as she crossed the landing. I lay in bed till 2, waking with a desperate hunger between dreams to smell food cooking below in the kitchen. At last I could take no more. I ate my dinner in the shed with the cats. Betty Quinn took me up a dessert.

You’ll be killed by your aunt, she said.

You stand aside, said the Dean at roll call this morning, and wait there till I’m finished. The dayboys called out their names and headed to class till I was all that remained in the refectory.

Where were you the last few days? he asked.

I was in bed with the runs, I said.

Have you a letter from your mother?

My mother is in England, I said.

So who is in charge of you at home?

My Aunt Maisie.

Have a letter from her here tomorrow.

Yes, Father.

Go, he said.

I
could
never
read
your
writing,
said
my
mother.

It’s
a
good
job,
I
told
her.

But
I
know,
she
said
politely,
what’s
in
there.

I followed the Dean to his study. He put his cane on the table. He sat and read the letter I’d handed him. He placed it carefully on his desk, smoothed out the edges and looked at me.

Is this your aunt’s writing? asked the Dean.

Yes, I lied.

You’re telling me the truth?

Yes, Father.

He stood, lifted his cane and walked over to the window.

Are you sure?

Yes, Father.

Right.

He stood there a while in silence looking down on the Half and the Whole, on the white football fields and the basketball court and the handball alleys. My heart raced. His white hair blazed.

Spell diarrhoea, he said.

Diarrhoea? I asked weakly.

Yes. Diarrhoea.

D … i …, I answered. D … i … a … r … r … i … a.

Put out your hand, he said turning.

Why, Father?

Put out your hand, he repeated.

But I’ve done nothing wrong, I said and held out my hand. His face went red and he brought the cane down, six times on the palm. With the top of the cane he tipped the wrist of my other arm that I had down by my side, flicked the cane under, the elbow, I rose the palm, he came down six more times.

I will be reporting you to the President, he said. Go.

I stood a while in the corridor with my hands in my armpits. Then went to the jacks and had a smoke. I felt sick. I thought of heading off back into Cavan town and lying up somewhere till all this had blown over, maybe in the haybarn, or Lavell’s haunted house, anywhere. I sat out that class on a toilet seat and listened with dread to classroom doors banging and the steps of priests going to and fro, the muffled sound of singing, the skivvies from the kitchen running across the tiles. Then these steps came on steadily down the corridor as far as the toilet, halted a moment, hesitated, entered. Each toilet door was pushed open. The steps came on towards me. He pushed. I saw the wide black shoes and black trousers underneath the door.

Who is in there? asked Father Benny.

Dermot Healy, I said.

Come out!

I flushed the toilet and pretended to pull my trousers up. I opened the door and he indicated that I walk in front of him. I could feel him behind me, tramping, tramping.

Why are you late for class? asked Father Benny.

I was with the Dean, I said.

I hope he gave you what you deserve, he said.

As I went ahead of him down the corridor I could hear the lads talking in the classroom. When they heard us coming they went quiet. Everyone watched me as I took my seat.

Who told you to sit, said Benny.

I stood.

And don’t you look at me like that.

I’m not, Father.

Sit down, he shouted.

I didn’t sit but backed away.

Sit down, I said, he shouted.

I sat down again by Jimmy McInerney.

You! Father Benny shouted. Come here!

I got up.

Not you! he said, and slapped me.

Then he began to write on the blackboard.

What did the Dean do you for? whispered Jimmy.

I couldn’t spell shite, I said.

First he tried to smother the laugh, and his eyes watered, then he gagged in the throat. I cycled in from College and went to Noel’s to work and do my exercise. Then Josie waved from the street. When I came out to her she walked over to Woolworth’s so I followed her in.

We can’t be seen together, she whispered. There’s trouble.

What kind of trouble?

Sheila is going to be expelled.

Why?

Because of you, she said. They know it’s you has Loreto haunted.

I didn’t know what to say.

You’ll be killed, said Josie, and so will Sheila.

I walked her to the door. Other girls from Loreto going by on their bikes stared at me. I was in very bad form. I had a bad conscience. Dermot and me had a long talk. Then I called up to Andy. We make preparations to go to England. All the money we have will go into a fund and we’ll hit Dublin in Sean McManus’s car and get the night ferry. That night I packed a suitcase and put it under the bed.

Upon
my
song,
said
my
mother,
but
you
were
the
right
blackguard.

What
is
she
saying?
asked
Maisie,
as
she
felt
her
way
into
the
sitting
room.

She
says
I
was
a
blackguard,
I
told
her.

Are
you
only
learning
that
now?
said
Maisie,
flopping
down
on
the
sofa.
I
say,
Winnie!

What’s
she
saying?
asked
my
mother.

She
always
pretended
to
be
innocent,
snorted
Maisie.
But
she
managed
to
have
you
despite
everything.
Her
beloved
offspring,
she
chuckles.

The
two
women
look
at
each
other
a
moment.