Bend for Home, The (15 page)

You only want Sheila, she says. Only Sheila.

Did not go to school. McInerney called out my name during role call so Square didn’t know I wasn’t there. Watched boxing match in Burke’s, went to the matinee (
The
Canadians
) with Josie who expects me to break it off.

When Sheila gets back you won’t want me, she said.

Yes I will, I said.

All I’m good for is bringing you her letters.

That’s not true.

Wait till Easter comes, then we’ll see.

You’re wrong.

And the strange thing is, said Josie, I don’t mind.

I watch
Thank
Your
Lucky
Stars
in Andy’s bar and at 8 Mammy comes home.

Were you good? she asked me.

I looked at Una.

Was he?

Yes, she said.

Can I go to a dance in Oldcastle? I asked.

Yes, you can.

She opened her purse, lifted out a pound note and threw it on the ground.

There, she said, there you are. Go where you like.

Dressed in the new shirt she’d bought me I went to see the Clipper Carlton showband in Joe Hill’s car and danced the Sheridan sisters. Joe found a woman from Kells. When we stepped outside it was snowing. At 10 mile an hour we drove to Kells. Sometimes he’d drive into a ditch. We spun round on corners. At last we reached Kells. The girl made us a cup of tea and I waited in the car while they had a court then we turned towards Cavan. We could see nothing because of the snow blowing against the windscreen. We slithered all over the place. This side of Lavey we tipped into a drain.

That’s that, said Joe, and I haven’t even a coat.

So we walked home.

I arrived into the Breifne covered in white at dawn. My shoes went slapslap across the landing. Mammy woke when she heard me closing the door. She came into my room without her glasses on.

Look at you, she said. Just look at you.

The car broke down.

I’ve heard, she said bitterly, I’ve heard all about you. Dear God of almighty. What’s to become of us! Your father is looking down on you, she said. Remember that.

Studied. Did not go out.

Did not go out. All night we talked of my father and of London. The mother looks at me for long periods as if I was someone else.

If Mammy had given me money I would have won on Kalminos in the Lincoln. Did not go out.

Put 6 shillings on races. Out and About led till the third last. Afterwards went to
The
Lost
Continent
with Josie. Silly picture. Silly court. Studied, took a spin in the car and went to bed.

Asked the blonde from McDonnell’s but moved the Farnham model instead. The thaw began and the ice broke with a roar on Swellan. Then the town was full of burst pipes.

Have
you
the
money
ready
for
the
milkman?
asks
my
mother.

I
have.

And
you’ll
take
me
to
Mass?

I
will.

She
studies
Padre
Pio’s face.
She
reads
her
prayer,
puts
it
aside
in
the
silver
vessel,
and
grips
the
arms
of
the
chair.

Get
me
out
of
here,
she
shouts.

No,
I
say.

Put on our finery and myself and Dermot went out to Loreto to the annual concert. Sheila introduced me to the Mother Joseph Cupertino. All the young things nearly fainted.

I hear a lot about you, said the nun.

She lifted my hand in the air, squinted and sighed and nodded, not too severely. Then she gave me my hand back – daintily. It was like being forgiven. Sheila was very proud. We sat among the parents like saints in the hall I used to climb up to. Burke turned adult. The girls played the tunes on the pianos that myself and Andy used to hear from the trees, they sang and recited poetry, dressed as men in blue tights and pointed shoes they delivered speeches from Shakespeare, and the night finished with beetroot sandwiches, Jacob’s marshmallows and tea. We had great cant. Went on afterwards to a bazaar on the Railway Road where I hit the bull and won a reed bowl for the mother from a dwarf.

A dwarf no less, said Maisie. When I was young I thought of running away with an acrobat.

You should have, I said.

I’d have been killed.

We sat by the fire talking and toasted bread. Mammy did her toes and soaked her feet in methylated spirits. We were all in great form.

Loreto get holidays but though I searched the town I could not find Sheila.

Did not go to school. Ma ripping. Cut lip while shaving. Searched the town again but could not find Sheila. Go to links. Sat in the café but she never came. Jumped out window in the middle of the night and stood outside Sheila’s house till 1 in the morning. No one. Nothing. Nobody.

Today records great events. Went to High Palm Mass with Dermot then to the Central Café. All the dames are there but no sign of Sheila.
Went home and sat by the fire. Done composition called Contentment and went to Devotions. The cathedral was rustling. The priests looked like altar boys that have just climbed out of bed – all white-faced and tired. Got money off Una for pictures. Sat by myself. At last I heard the door open after half-time and saw her at the back waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dark then Sheila came straight across to me.

My parents kept me in so I couldn’t see you, she whispered.

I was wondering where you were.

They won’t let me out. Especially my brother.

Why?

They say we are too serious.

Do you think we are too serious?

No, she said. The trouble is we are not serious enough. Do you love me?

I do.

She looked into my face.

I keep dreaming about you.

I kissed the back of her hand. She brought my hand to her lips.

I have to go, she said. If my brother sees us together, I’ll be killed.

We put our arms around each other and then she left.

Had a brandy by myself and listened to the
Top
Twenty.
Then had tea. I feel awfully happy.

Fr Terry told me he is about to make investigations into my grasp of Greek and my general intelligence. I took a half-day and met Sheila outside Katy Bannon’s. She was crying. I brought her into the baker’s room. She kept on crying. I couldn’t stop her. The parents want her never to see me again.

Dermot Burke gave me a run-through of what to expect in Greek. Terry gives me an examination by myself in the back seat. I get 98 out of a 100.

There’s something strange going on, he said.

Then there’s Geography, then Maths. The hours drag. Then at last comes 4 o’clock. Come the Holidays! But the boarders have to stay in
till tomorrow morning. Ollie leapt out of a window and raced away through the trees to where I was waiting for him on the road. Away we went like fuck round the back of the triangle with Ollie on the bar of the bike. He has the dicky bow on.

Give her stick, he shouted.

We hit the Railway Hotel round 6 and he took a taxi out at 9. I did not get in till half past 2. Mammy gives out shit.

Ollie calls to the Breifne. He has his case with him.

There’s trouble, he said.

Square saw him leap out of the window. The Dean came into his dorm, and said, McNally! Get up! He smelt his breath. Square asked him did he go to see Healy. He said no. Was it a girl? He said no.

When you pack your case in the morning, Mr McNally, said Square, it will be for the last time. You won’t be coming back here.

Now Ollie doesn’t know what to do. So we smoked 20 fags and went to Balihaise to pick up Harton’s lorry to take him home. I went to the pictures and sat down by Sheila. She got up and moved away.

I followed her. What’s going on? I asked.

You’ve been double-crossing me all this time with Josie, she said.

Not at all, I said.

Yes you have.

No I haven’t.

You needn’t lie any more, Dermot. You needn’t lie. Josie told me.

Let me explain.

No, she said, I’m not talking to you anymore.

Quiet! shouted George O’Rourke.

After that I couldn’t follow the picture. I went to bed in bad form.

Met Sheila outside Woolworth’s. Her parents are taking her away for a few days.

To keep me away from you, she said.

Josie doesn’t mean anything to me, I said.

That, said Sheila, only makes it worse.

We said goodbye. I slipped in the backway to Stick Donoghue’s.
Courted Mary. Saw Pat. Skipped Mass. And banged my head running up yard to climb in window.

Sheila gone to Wicklow. Not a soul stirring on the streets. Played records. Josie bought a loaf. Had some toast and went home early.

Are you going out with Sheila? asked Mary.

Sometimes, I said.

Sometimes, said Gerty. What does that mean?

We broke it off.

Did you, now. Well we don’t want anyone else’s leavings, she laughed sarcastically. We all know about you, you glick fucker. Look at Dermot Burke – he wouldn’t ask to put his hand up.

Is that right? I said.

That’s right, said Burke proudly.

Would you like to go to the pictures? I asked Mary.

I would, she said.

You should not let him have his way so easily, said Gerty.

Can you not mind your own business, I said.

Mary arrives at 9 o’clock.

I thought you weren’t coming, I said.

Oh, I didn’t want to let you down.

So I put a hand on her tits and she pulled it away.

No, she said.

Why? I ask.

Just.

So I stared at the screen with my hands in my pockets.

Are you crabbed? she asked.

Oh I’m in terrific humour, I said.

I’m glad to hear it, she said. You see we differ too much to be together.

I hope I’m free, I said.

What does that mean? she asked.

I don’t know, I said importantly. The twins marched up the aisles waving their long torches.

Dermot lost four balls on the links and we danced to the wireless on the road. We bought ice creams and played a game of doubles in table tennis. Dermot and Gerty against Mary and me. Then I went off to the amusements. Garret’s teeth fell out when he was up in the swing-boats. We gambled at roulette and throwpenny, then sat into the bumping cars. Save the Last Dance for Me was playing and you could hear it at the far end of Main Street.

On way home saw that Sheila’s father’s car was back. I was in great humour.

Can I have a party? I asked the mother.

If you paint the house, you can have a party, she said.

As I write this I’m swivel-eyed. Painted the hallway then brought Sheila out to the golf links. Ah I love Sheila. She said she’d forgive me for going out with Josie because Josie said it wasn’t serious. She brought me a present of 20 Pall Mall from Wicklow. I love Sheila. I’ll make Gerty eat her words. Afterwards Dermot and myself went out to Lisdarn and collected the black doctor. I have 2 gins and tonics and 9 beers. I love Sheila.

Ollie arrived to give me a hand and we painted the corridor, and the landing, and the wall above the three steps. Then made arrangements for the hop in our house. The gang arrived with records and the cant started. At last Sheila came. She was by herself.

I can’t go in, she said at the door. That crowd don’t like me.

You only think that, I said, come on.

No. She looked down the street. Who’s in there?

So I told her.

That does it, she said, I’m not going.

Who’s at the door? asked Mammy.

Sheila, I said.

Hallo, Mrs Healy.

You’re welcome, Sheila, said Mammy. Well, what’s holding you? Come on in, we’re about to eat.

When we went in Gerty made lousy remarks. We helped my mother serve. We ate in sixes and spun the bottle and danced. Kevin ran into the pillar and knocked himself out. Croney started barking like mad. Una came out for a jive with me. Maisie went down the entry and looked in the window and sneezed with the knuckle of her index finger to her nose.

Stay with me, won’t you, said Sheila.

I will.

Don’t dance with anyone else.

I won’t.

She put my arm around her waist.

I love you, she said.

I danced Sheila all night and we courted under the stairs.

Ollie and myself painted the rest of the landing and the door of Mammy’s room. He asked Pat to go with him but she wouldn’t because she wanted to go with Andy so Ollie hitched off to Virginia. I went to the pics with Sheila. The seat collapsed from under me in the middle of a murder scene and Sheila went to bits.

Went to see Sheila at half past 3, supposed to be there at 2 but the fire in the bakehouse went out twice and so we had only time to talk before she had to go. Ollie calls on way back to college. He says he’ll go out and see what happens in the morning.

It’s our last time together before going back to college. Myself and Sheila tear up Reilly’s archway into the loft. She has no buttons on her shirt. There are no prying eyes. She begins to cry. We say goodbye.

After school played tripe golf and go to the pictures.
Marx
Brothers
Go
West.
Terrific picture. I miss Sheila. I could’ve enjoyed it better if she was there.

Ollie can’t come back next year. They are blaming my bad influence. Father Terry put a map of Greece on the wall so that we could follow the wars of Sparta. He sneezed, the map fell and Parrot farted. Ollie went off round the Half on his own. Met Josie, and told her to tell Sheila to start the ball rolling by writing first then I stood in the handball alley till night fell.

I went up to Bob and pleaded on Ollie’s behalf but he says there is nothing he can do. He’ll see but at the moment it’s out of his hands. It’s gone too far. Myself and Ollie walk the half. The 5th years stood and watched us.

It’ll not be long now, lads, said one.

They walked behind us, taunting us so we headed across the lower pitch.

The minute the term ends, said Ollie, I’m taking the boat across the water. Are you coming?

I will, I say.

We’ll go into antiques, he said. I have an uncle doing well at that.

Right, I said.

And fuck these crowd.

Right.

Fuck them.

Lit the fire in the bakery and walked Maisie and the Mother round the triangle. Told Maisie to keep her voice down as we passed Sheila’s house and she roared laughing.

Got word that there’s 25 women up the pole in town. Got a lovely letter from Sheila but Josie does not stop to talk.

Skipped the last two classes and met Sheila who was having a tooth
out. Her mouth was bloody. I walked up town with my arm around her and didn’t care who saw us.

I didn’t know you had any bad teeth, I said.

I hadn’t, she said.

What?

I only pretended so that I could get into town and see you.

Then she went back to the convent.

Have bad old stye. Square gave me six for skipping the two classes after dinner.