Benevolent (3 page)

She nodded but didn’t sit down.

“Please tell me you still want the job,” I asked, sounding as if I were pleading. I probably was. I didn’t want her to walk away. I didn’t want to never see her again. And I certainly didn’t want to have to find a new assistant when I had the very best candidate standing right in front of me.

“Yes, I’ll still take the job. When do I start?” She didn’t sound excited. She almost sounded depressed, like I was forcing her to accept it.

“I have to run out of the office for a little bit. So why don’t you head down to HR and fill out all of the new-hire information and we’ll meet back here tomorrow morning at eight? Does that work for you?”

“Yup.” She bit her lip and walked out of the office.

I had the same feeling I did the night before when she left. I almost felt depressed that she was gone, but that didn’t make any sense to me. I couldn’t seem to understand why I wanted to be around her so much. Even though she gave me a complete tongue-lashing, I wanted her back. Just to hear her laugh again. To see her smile again. To see her again. I was truly fucked.

Driving home, I started questioning if I made the right decision by hiring her. I concluded that yes, I made the right choice. Rule number one, no sleeping with the associates. Over the years and after countless dumbass excuses, I had to amend that rule. There was now rule one A, no fucking the associates. Rule one B, no making love to the associates. And finally, rule one C, no romantic nor non-romantic coitus at all, under no circumstances, no matter what you call it. Yeah, I literally had someone tell me he didn’t break the rule because there was no sleeping involved. He no longer worked for me, but I decided to amend the rule anyway to avoid any future issues. At least they were in place in the event Eden made me even more stupid and I myself tried finding a loophole. I was definitely safer having her work for me than not.

Once I pulled into the parking garage of my beachfront condominium, I had to stop thinking about Eden. I had to shake her from my thoughts and do what I needed to do. I always did what I needed to do. What I wanted to do never mattered. It really never even came into the equation. It was always what needed to be done.

I braced myself before opening the door. I didn’t know what I would find once I walked in. I didn’t know what condition she’d be in or how bad my day would get. I prayed for the best and unlocked the door.

“Gabi,” I called out into the quiet room.

There was rustling on the couch, but I couldn’t see her because it was facing the other way. I walked closer until I found her, curled up with a blanket and crying to herself. I knelt on the floor in front of her, getting inches from her face.

“Gabriella, what’s wrong? Talk to me,” I begged.

She shook her head and closed her eyes, keeping it all inside like she always did.

Looking at her then, it was hard to miss the drastic change in her over the years. I could vividly remember the first time I ever laid eyes on her. It was in tenth grade. She was always quiet and kept to herself, but wherever she was, my eyes would follow. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Even prettier than the girlfriend I had at the time.

Even though she had aged some, much like we all do after twelve years, and the stresses of her life altered her appearance dramatically, I could still see that girl in there sometimes. It was what kept the hope alive. It was in her eyes. She had the biggest dark brown eyes that captivated me from first glance. Some used to say they were too big for her face, but they held so much life behind them that in my opinion, they were the perfect size. They fit her. She still had those same eyes, but more recently, they were bloodshot and dim. She cried all the time, and the life that they once held was almost smothered. It killed me to look into them. I wanted to make her happy again, I just didn’t know how.

“Gabi, can you look at me, please? Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

Her eyes opened as more tears fell. It gutted me.

“She would have been born today.” Her words were soft and broken between sobs.

Fuck. I wasn’t even thinking. I had completely forgotten. I was the biggest dick in the world. I hung my head and took in a deep breath, trying to shove down the anger I felt toward myself enough to give her the support she needed.

“I’m so sorry, Gabs. I wasn’t even thinking about what day it was.” I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t think about anything other than Eden. Gabi was at home the night before, in pain, and I was out laughing and admiring another woman. She woke up and I was gone. Where was I? Hiring that other woman to work for me, assuring I got to see her every day. That’s where I was. I wasn’t at home with Gabriella, I wasn’t comforting her, I wasn’t grieving with her. No. I was touching another woman’s face instead.

“Can we try again?” she asked with the voice of a mouse but so full of hope.

I knew what she was asking; it wasn’t the first time. I just didn’t think it was such a good idea. I didn’t think she was stable enough for it, but I couldn’t tell her that. She wasn’t even stable enough to hear it.

“I don’t know, Gabi. I think we should still wait a little while longer.”

Her big brown eyes closed again, and then the wails followed. I hated knowing my words were causing her that much pain. She had been through enough in her life and all I wanted to do was protect her. I wanted to save her. I wanted to give her everything. I just couldn’t give her that. Not at that time, at least.

“You’re still grieving from the last one. I just think we should wait until you’re feeling better. You know? It’ll happen again when the time is right, I promise. I just want to make sure you’re better first. You’re my first priority.”

“You forgot. How could you forget? Did you not love her? Do you not love me?”

I hated it when she did that. And I hated that I hated it. It made me feel like I was being insensitive to her, which maybe I was. But I left work early to be with her. She calls and I come running. I didn’t know why she constantly had to question my love for her. At least she didn’t know about Eden. That would have solidified it in her mind. And I didn’t want that. I couldn’t have handled that. I did love her. I just wished she believed it.

“I wasn’t paying attention to the date. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love… her. And it certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t.”

“I just feel like you’re only here out of obligation. After what happened to me before.”

“No. That’s not it at all.” Was it? Was I only there because I felt the need to protect her? To heal her? No. That was wrong. I was there because I loved her; I had always loved her. Things had gotten bad recently, sure, but every road to happily-ever-after has its bumps. That’s what my mom always told me. “Gabriella, listen to me. Look at me and listen to me, okay?”

She looked right into my eyes and I almost lost the nerve to speak. She looked so sad and depressed. It made me angry to see her that way. Maybe that’s what the problem had been lately. She was depressed and it pissed me off. My anger and hesitation to be home only depressed her further. It was an endless cycle. One I wasn’t sure how to end.

“I love you. Got it? I’m not going anywhere. You need to understand that. I need for you to believe me. But I also think that maybe you need to speak with someone. I think it will help if you go back to see Doctor Greiner.” I couldn’t finish talking because she began to violently shake her head no. “Listen, Gabi. We can’t try again until you’re better, and I don’t think sitting around here, locked away in your head is going to make you better. It’s not getting any better.” It wasn’t. It was actually getting worse.

“I don’t want to see him again. It didn’t work last time. All he did was put me on pills that made me feel drunk all the time. I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to not feel. If I do that, then it will mean I will forget about her. I don’t want to forget about her like you did.”

“I didn’t forget. I just wasn’t paying attention to the calendar.” I was losing my patience. I wanted to tell her that refusing to dwell on things I cannot change did not equate to forgetting. It didn’t mean I didn’t care, and it certainly didn’t mean that I didn’t love either of them. All it meant was that I chose to not end my life over the loss of another. But I couldn’t tell her any of that. I’d never be able to tell her that.

“So if I go see Doctor Greiner again, we can start trying?”

“You have to get better first. I think seeing him would be the best starting point for that. And then yes, we can start trying.” I leaned in and kissed her chapped lips. They had been chapped for so long, probably due to the amount of saltwater they came in contact with from her tears. But chapped or not, I kissed them. “I just want to see you happy again,” I whispered to her.

“I want to be happy again,” she admitted and it made me smile. It was the first time in months Gabi made me smile and it made me want to give her the world. I knew she would find her way back. I had faith in us. As long as I kept my focus on her and not Eden, we’d be all right. It was easier said than done… but I didn’t know that then.

Once Gabi was finally calm, it was too late to return to work. I got her settled in with a book and headed down to the gym to work out some of the stresses from my day. What I really wanted to do was head to the bar, but knew that would only be counterproductive. So I chose the gym instead. Nothing like a little cardio and weights to calm me down.

I wasn’t a body builder by any means, but I did enjoy hitting the gym at least five times a week. No one ever complained about my body. Well, some older—and even younger—judgmental people complained of my tattoos, but never my body. I always got stares wherever I went. They were either staring at the ink that lined both arms—which was what I liked to call the story of my life—or they were looking at my muscles. Either way, staring was staring. Gabi never liked it. She didn’t like the women that looked at me like they wanted to fuck me. I didn’t blame her; I didn’t like it when men looked at her like they wanted to bend her over. That was reserved for me. Even though I had started to think my reservation had run out since she barely let me touch her anymore. So I had actually begun to enjoy the stares I received from people… even if they were looking at me like I was a criminal. Because apparently, if you are covered in ink, that’s what you are. A criminal. Whatever.

After the gym, I decided to head to the pier for some alone time. I didn’t even bother showering or changing. I literally left the gym in my sweaty clothes and headed down the beach to the old pier—which, honestly, was more like an oversized dock. I didn’t care what it was. No one ever used it anymore except to fish off of it during the day. At night, it was all mine.

I wanted to bring a six-pack with me, but thought better of it. I had drinks the night before and really shouldn’t have made a habit out of it. So I took my iPod and headphones and went to the end of the planks to sit down in the dark corner.

The moon was doing a good job lighting the water up, but I wasn’t feeling the light. My day had been dark after leaving work and I wanted to sit in—the darkness. I had so much to think about. On the top of that list was Eden. I knew I shouldn’t have hired her, but it seemed as though where she was concerned, my brain didn’t function properly. It wasn’t that I had dirty thoughts about her… okay, so I did. But they weren’t all dirty. She made me laugh and I enjoyed it so much. I liked talking with her; it felt so freeing. It wasn’t dark and depressing like it was with Gabi. But that wasn’t fair to think, I was sure Eden hadn’t lost a baby recently. I’m sure if she had, she would have been just as devastated as Gabriella.

Just after the third song started to play, I saw movement down the pier. I couldn’t tell if it was a guy or girl, but from the shadow, I knew it was only one. As the shadow got closer, the moon’s light began to brighten her face. I felt myself smile before I could stop it. Slowly, I turned off the music and took my earbuds out.

“Stalking me?” I asked as she stood only a few feet from me. I knew she couldn’t see me from where I was sitting and it showed as she jumped back and covered her chest with her hand. It brought my focal point to where her hand landed and my smile grew larger.

She was wearing a tank top and short denim shorts with flip-flops. It showed her figure perfectly and the light from the moon accentuated it until she almost looked like an angel. Not the angels from heaven, but the ones from the underwear ads. She looked like a real life Victoria Secret model. I wondered what she’d look like if she wore what they did in the magazines I used to jerk off to as a teenager. I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the thoughts that didn’t seem to want to leave my mind.

“Oh my God, you scared the shit out of me.” I heard her breathe heavily and it made me laugh. “And no, I’m not stalking you.”

“If you were, I wouldn’t blame you. All the beautiful people get stalked.”

“Here we go again.” I could hear her soft laughs behind her words.

I didn’t invite her to sit down, she just did. But it wasn’t next to me and that made me only want to be closer to her. I hated thinking that way but I couldn’t control it. It was like I wasn’t aware of the thoughts entering my head until I was already thinking them. It was wrong and I should’ve stopped but I couldn’t help it when I was around her. Yeah, hiring her was the worst mistake of my life.

“You still mad at me?” I asked and found myself afraid of her answer.

She looked at me and I could see her face clearly. God she was beautiful. Her long hair was down in big curls that hung over her shoulders and down her back. It had been straight the night before and up that day at the office. Even though it was technically dark outside and I could only see it from the white light of the moon, I’d have to say the curly hair was my favorite.

“No,” she said as she moved her head side to side.

“That’s good. I’d try to explain, but I think I ate enough of my foot earlier.”

“It’s fine; I understand. I was just defensive. I got over it.”

The way she said that made me question her. There was something about her and I needed to know the answer. It didn’t make sense why I was so interested in her life, but I was.

“Why were you so defensive? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.”

She smiled and looked down. Even though she explained it was because she was shy, I still hated it when she did that. I didn’t want her to look away from me. I couldn’t look away from her even if I tried.

“My little brother. He had Asperger’s.”

I didn’t miss it. I heard it loud and clear. And even if I hadn’t heard the word, I would have heard it in her tone. I felt sad for her. It was just part of who I was; I couldn’t help but feel the need to protect people in pain, so I typically picked up on it quickly.

“Had. What happened to him?” I immediately regretted asking her that. I was sure she didn’t want to talk about it, but the words came out before I could stop them.

She looked back up at me and I felt a tightness in my chest that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Eden was definitely doing something to me. I wasn’t quite sure yet if it was a good or bad thing. I figured it was bad, but if it was, why did I feel so good around her?

“He also had a genetic heart defect.”

“Do you have the same one?” I didn’t want to hear her response, but I needed to. Something about the thought of her having a fatal heart condition terrified me and I didn’t know why. The only thing that made sense was that I never wanted to hear about anyone having some kind of deadly disease.

Her voice lightened a little as she spoke. “No. He was my adopted brother.”

“Like you were adopted or he was?” When I first asked if she was still mad at me, I hadn’t expected it to turn out the way it was. I was learning things about her and it interested me. I enjoyed talking to her and listening about her life, the good and the bad.

“We both were.”

I wanted to keep listening to her talk, but I didn’t know what else to ask. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk about her brother or if it was still painful for her. It sounded painful from the tone of her voice when she spoke about him. I wanted to ask about her being adopted, but figured I’d let her volunteer that information. All there was left to do was sit there and stare at her in the darkness. It wasn’t hard to do.

“So, since you know why I chose accounting and finance, why did you? What made you want to start Kauffmann Investments?” she asked with a smile. She was changing the subject.

I was both happy and sad about it. I was glad she was talking, but I didn’t want to talk about myself. I wanted to keep hearing her talk. But at least she was still there. She hadn’t gotten up and walked away yet. So if she wanted to hear about me, I would tell her all she wanted to know.

“When I was fourteen, I started working at a small hardware store where I grew up. I loved the old man that owned it, Grady Allen. He was such a nice man that would give anyone the shirt off his back. When I was sixteen, he sat me down and told me that he was going to have to let me go. I thought it was something I had done, but he finally broke down and told me he was going to lose the store. He couldn’t afford to keep it open anymore. My job wasn’t what worried me; I knew I’d find another one. It wasn’t like he was paying me very much anyway. It was him losing his store that he had for over forty years that really upset me. So I took all the money I had saved from working and asked my father for a loan. I told him to give me a year to have it all paid back with interest. So, I went to Grady Allen with twenty-five thousand dollars and convinced him to give me a chance to turn his store around. Within six months, he was not only in the black for the first time in five years, but he was making more money than he had in the previous ten years combined. When I turned eighteen, he gave me half-ownership of the store and made me his partner. I didn’t want it, but that’s when he told me to sell my share and start my own company. It was because he knew I had something special. He believed in me. My father sent me to college to learn about management and investments, and the rest is history.”

“Wow. That’s rather impressive.”

“Yeah, I am.”

And then she laughed again. It did even more to me in the darkness because it literally surrounded me. Everything in my brain shut down when she laughed. My darkness with Gabi vanished; my stress from work was gone. Everything became better with her laugh.

“Oh my God, I’m starting to think you’re not joking anymore.”

“Why would I joke about something like that? I am impressive.”

“And apparently beautiful,” she added.

“Glad you think so, too.”

“It’s nice to hear you laugh,” she commented shyly.

“Why is that?”

“You seemed really quiet when I first walked up. Last night you were boisterous, this morning you were… demanding and intimidating. But tonight, you just seemed… I don’t know, quiet.”

I didn’t know she had noticed. I thought I did a good job at hiding it. Somehow, she saw me. I wondered if maybe she was the first person to see it since it all happened. Or maybe she was just the first person to say anything.

I shrugged my shoulders. “Just a rough day.”

“Anything you want to talk about?”

Did I? Sometimes I thought I did, but I didn’t really feel like I had anyone to talk to. And there she was, asking me to talk to her. I could have talked to her about it, but I was enjoying my time with her and didn’t want to mess things up by bringing up miscarriages and depression. So I shook my head and said, “No, thank you.”

She was quiet for a moment before standing up. I didn’t know what she was doing, so I sat there and watched her peer over the banister.

“You’re not technically my boss until tomorrow morning, right?”

I wasn’t sure what she was getting at, so I just agreed and waited for her to continue.

“I want to go swimming. Jump in with me.”

“I’m not jumping in. It’s not deep enough there.”

“Don’t be scared. This will be my first time in the Gulf of Mexico. Don’t you want to be my first?” She was teasing me. She was taunting me. And I felt it in my gym shorts. She was flirting with me again and I had a choice to make. Either play along and hope I didn’t get too close to that invisible line, or fess up about Gabi and go home.

As I thought about what I should do, I stared at her body. She had thick thighs and her jean shorts hugged them nicely. Thoughts of what they would feel like wrapped around my waist as I was deep inside her flooded me. My eyes moved up to her stomach, which was hidden behind her tank top, but I had seen her enough to know she was small. She had an athlete’s body, so I was sure it was flat and tight. I licked my lips as I thought about trailing my tongue over her abs and up to her breasts. And that’s where my eyes landed next. They were heavier than average but perky. From her cleavage, they didn’t look to be fake—I looked at enough silicone filled jugs as a teenager I think I’m pretty good at telling the difference. I wondered what her nipples looked like. I assumed they were light since she had creamy colored skin, but were they small, large, perfect, inverted, or did they stick out like rocks when she was cold… or horny.

Yeah… I needed to go home. Staying with her would have been bad news. Trouble. I didn’t need trouble in my life. I had just hired her for Christ’s sake. She would’ve been my employee in less than twelve hours. Not to mention… I didn’t trust myself with her around that invisible line.

I stood up and watched as she kicked off her flip-flops and climbed over the railing. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her how unsafe it was. I had all intentions of doing so, but instead, I took off my tennis shoes and socks and joined her on the other side.