Better Than Chance (23 page)

That was not all. I knew it. Just as I knew that somehow the real story had to have something to do with the one he’d just told about his fractured relationship with his parents and his mom in particular. A small voice warned me to let it go, but of course, I couldn’t.

“You said, ‘That’s why Jack and I were never going to make it.’ What did you mean by that? I swear I won’t ask any more questions. I get that’s your past and you’ve moved on, but….”

“You’re curious,” he finished for me with a half-grin. I nodded, passing the dough through the pasta machine, hoping he would answer. Peter sighed dramatically and cocked an eyebrow at me. He was back to being playful, and I was inordinately pleased in spite of a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Jack and I weren’t exclusive. Ever. In the beginning, that’s how he wanted it. At the end, that’s how I wanted it. Basically, he hit thirty-two and decided it was time to settle down. He wanted me to travel less and for us to make an effort at having a more traditional relationship.” He paused as if looking for the right words. “I didn’t want that. I still don’t.”

I gave a wan smile in response, though my heart sank a little at his words. I wanted to ask why, but I was too afraid of what his answer meant for me. I thought again of Aaron’s warning to me. I was in too deep. Peter obviously didn’t reciprocate my feelings. We were having sex. That’s all. That’s what we agreed to. For my own sanity, I bit the inside of my cheek hard and sternly told myself to cease and desist all lines of questioning and take what was on offer. If I asked for more, I would only be setting myself up for disappointment.

However, in that moment, standing side by side in Peter’s kitchen with the ghost of his mother’s rejection and his old lover’s unrequited hopes for a future, I felt cheated. Unfairly so. I knew there was more between Peter and I than he credited. I felt a wave of anger, helplessness, and sadness at the forces that would seemingly always keep him from true happiness, whether it was with me or Jack or whomever.

Peter was a quandary. He was a passionate lover and a fierce competitor in and away from the office. But he was also funny with a sweet boyish side that few people saw. I knew I was one of the few, and it seemed unfair that my status in his life was “friend with benefits” or more crudely put “his fuck buddy.” Was I really okay with that?

No wonder I had decided I didn’t like Jack. I had a sinking feeling we had a lot in common. And if a guy like Jack, who shared a history with Peter, couldn’t break through the walls he’d erected, why would I ever assume I could?

9

T
HE
SIDEWALKS
were practically sizzling beneath our feet as Aaron, Katie, and I braved the sweltering heat of late July for some retail therapy. It was a Saturday so the stores were crowded, but that may have had as much to do with the fact that the air-conditioning was blasting indoors while the temperature outside was a good thirty degrees higher. With arms laden with bags, Aaron pushed his sunglasses down his nose and declared it was time for refreshments. The three of us headed toward our favorite bistro in town, which was thankfully close by. Katie and I watched in amusement as Aaron flirted shamelessly with the hostess, somehow scoring us a table for three with no wait. Katie and I would usually give him a hard time about teasing the poor sweet girl, but we were too grateful to be seated in the cool interior of the hip little bistro to care how we came by our table.

“Oh my God! I have under-boob sweat! So gross!” Katie sighed dramatically as she took a big gulp of ice water.

“Ewww! TMI!” Aaron and I groused, though I was sweaty in places I didn’t care to be as well.

“Drink plenty of water, my friends, because I think a mojito or two may be in order!” Aaron proclaimed, his hazel eyes alight with enthusiasm.

Katie and I both agreed and once again let Aaron work his magic, this time with a pretty college-age waitress. Katie laughed appreciatively at Aaron’s antics while she rummaged through her enormous designer bag and came up with a hair band to tie back her long auburn hair. Katie was a pretty girl with sharp features on a pixie small frame. Everything about her was delicate and bird-like. But her personality was exactly the opposite. She was a boisterous, loud, lively girl who was always game for fun. Whether it was shopping, dining, or partying, Katie liked to be part of the action. And she loved being with Aaron and me, her favorite gays.

Once our drinks were served and our lunch orders placed, I noticed my friends quietly studying me. I shifted my gaze between the two of them and caught on that they had something to say. Oh boy. I got the impression I wouldn’t like it either.

“What is it? Do I have mint in my teeth?” I asked sarcastically, taking another sip of my mojito.

“Slow down, honey. You’ll be sloshed before your lunch comes at the rate you’re going,” Aaron sagely advised. I saw him give Katie a quick glance, urging her to say something.

“We’re worried about you, Jay.” Katie hated confrontations. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

“Oh?” I saw Aaron give Katie a pointed stare, then roll his eyes. He obviously saw that he would have to take over.

“What Katie is trying to say is that… well, yes, we’re worried about you. You seem distracted, but not in a happy way. It’s time to share your burdens, darling. We’re your best friends. It’s time to talk.”

Distracted was probably an accurate word for my state of mind in recent days. The time I spent with Peter was amazing. The sex was off-the-charts fantastic, but more than that, we had become friends. Real friends. We saw each other regularly and slept over whenever we felt like it, which was at least three or four nights a week now. The fact that we worked together really hadn’t become a factor because we weren’t actively engaged in the same project. Peter still traveled a lot, but I noticed that I was the first person he called when he came home… if he bothered to stop by home at all. We were good together, and we had fun together. And that was the problem.

Every day that passed, I wanted more. I wanted words that would acknowledge that we were more than “fuck buddies” and this was more than a temporary deal rooted only in physical attraction. I was afraid to push Peter because I didn’t want to lose him. It was gratifying to know I had great friends who worried about me, because frankly I was worried about me too.

I stared at my drink a moment longer and bit at my bottom lip wondering how much I should say. Of course, in the end I told them everything. I told them what Peter and I had intended and how I now felt. I took another drink and made another confession.

“I’m looking for another job.”

“
What
?” They both stopped middrink and stared at me with disbelieving expressions. Aaron was the first to recover.

“Jaybird, I know you work too much and too hard, but you’ve also worked hard to get where you are. Is this because of Peter? Because if it is….”

“No. I mean, yes, but it’s…. I’m conflicted here. I like my job. I don’t love it. The truth is that I would rather be at a smaller firm where I can be out in front of the clients more than I am now. I do research. A ton of research, and I know I would still do that no matter where I landed, but if I got to leave the office once in while too, it would be heaven. I think I need a change. In the long run, whatever happens between Peter and me it would be simpler if we didn’t work together.” I shrugged, indicating I had nothing more to say and certainly no answers.

We were quiet when our lunch was delivered to our table. Aaron ordered another round of drinks, declaring we needed it. He flirted shamelessly with the cute waitress. I appreciated the reprieve his silliness gave me, and I had a feeling he knew that.

“Has it occurred to you to confront him about your feelings rather than waiting for him to shut you down? I mean, it seems to me that you’re already in over your head. You like him. A lot. Why not tell him?” Katie looked at me inquisitively, as though I were making this into something more complicated than it had to be.

“Because he’s told me what he wants! He was clear, Katie. Haven’t you been listening?”

Katie put her glass down and made a production of gently dabbing her heavily glossed lips with her napkin while locking me in a meaningful stare with an intense expression on her face. Uh-oh. Whenever Katie got intense, someone was in for it. She may not care for confrontation but I had a feeling she had moved past that in favor of giving me an earful.

“Jay.
You
don’t listen. You are good man, a good soul with a beautiful heart, but you have a glaring flaw. You don’t listen! You hear what you want to hear and you move on. Peter tells you he wants things one way, and you take only the face value of his words without considering the fact that he’s telling you something else on a whole other level!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I looked over at Aaron to see if he was in the dark too, but he was wearing a thoughtful expression.

“People communicate in various ways, honey. Sometimes it’s too hard to say words with real meaning, so we circle around and around without spitting out what’s really on our minds. I don’t know Peter, but I do know you. You told Aaron and me that you had a crush on him; then you hated him until you reevaluated your stance after he helped you with Aaron. Now you’re in a relationship, which may have started out as a casual one, but all indications are that it’s progressed into something more.” She was still looking at me like I was more than a little obtuse, but her eyes were kind. Katie adored me. I knew that, so I encouraged her to go on. “Peter has shared his religious and family shit because those are things that have kept him from committing to other people, like Jack. Have you considered that he wants what you do but he’s got to work through his issues?”

Huh? No. I hadn’t considered that Peter was speaking to me on another level. That sounded like wishful thinking.

“Jay, remember when you said you were sure Peter had a girlfriend and I said ‘no, that man is gay and he has the hots for you’?” Aaron reminded me.

“Yeah, well I didn’t….”

“Katie’s right. You were only looking at the surface. You weren’t listening. You saw this gorgeous man you thought was unattainable, and you made assumptions at every turn, and never in your favor. You assumed he was straight and taken. You assumed he was an asshole until he did something to make you reconsider. Maybe Katie’s right. Maybe where Peter’s concerned, you are playing it too safe because you’re assuming he’s going to reject you. Maybe you need to take a chance.”

“Wait a second. You told me a month ago that you were worried about me getting too attached to someone who didn’t want the same things I do! Why are you telling me to put it all out there with him now? That makes no sense!” I was frustrated now, and the rum had gone to my head a little bit.

“I was worried! I am still. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want you to get hurt, but I think… Katie’s right. Sometimes you have to take a chance. If he doesn’t want the same things you do, maybe he isn’t the right guy for you.”

Katie nodded in agreement. They both looked so earnest, I wanted to reassure them somehow and strike a chord of levity to brighten up our afternoon to take their attention away from my problems. I hated that everything seemed heavy somehow. Like the suffocating summer heat had made its way indoors and was choking the life out of me. They were right, though. I knew it. Was I really okay with settling for a lifetime role of “friends with benefits” until the man who didn’t want to acknowledge me as someone special to him decided he was over us? No. But I was afraid to do anything more than take what Peter gave me for fear of losing him.

J
ULY
GAVE
way to an even hotter August. I woke up in Peter’s bed alone and stretched my arms above my head, listening for noises to indicate where he might be. I pulled on a pair of boxer briefs and headed downstairs to find my lover standing in front of his restaurant grade coffee machine. He looked delicious wearing a lightweight pair of pj bottoms and nothing else. His bare, muscle-toned torso was enough to make my mouth water. Impulsively, I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind in a light embrace, planting a kiss on his nape. He started as though I’d caught him unaware.

“Mmm. Morning.” I moved to stand next to him and leaned my hip on the counter.

Peter smiled sleepily and reached over to brush my hair out of my eyes. It had grown out quite a bit, and my dark-blond locks were now streaked with sun-kissed gold. I caught his hand near my mouth and kissed it. Peter’s grin widened.

“You are so damn pretty, baby.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You.” He turned away to grab two mugs and busied himself pouring coffee.

“You off to some faraway place today?” I asked while I waited for my cup. Peter had traveled a lot that week. It was Thursday morning, so I thought there was a fair chance he might be off again.

“No. I’m in the office today. I have meetings all day.” He poured himself some coffee before leaning against the counter opposite me. “I’ve been thinking about something.”