Beyond Definition (4 page)

“Douche bag was married.” I sighed and focused my attention on the glitz and glamour going past my window in a blur.

“Oh. Well, you could have just ditched him and found another guy,” she said, unconcerned.

“Little late for that.” I was so embarrassed over my actions. Not only had I screwed a married man, I did it in the bathroom at a club! Ugh! I wasn’t that kind of girl. I may sleep around, but I did have limits.

“Oh. OOOOH,” Kammy exclaimed, realizing what I meant. “Well, hey. He probably wasn’t the first married guy you fucked.”

Embarrassment and regret washed through me. Oh my God, she was right. Any of the guys I had been with could have been married, and I would have had no idea. I mean, I had thought of that before—I'm not an idiot—but this was a whole different thing. This time it was being broadcast straight in my face that I was a home wrecker.

“Hey, what’s the big deal?” Kammy asked.

“I don’t want to be like that.”

“I didn’t say you were. Did you know he was married when you fucked him?” she asked, and I shook my head. “Then it’s all on him.”

She may have had a point there, but it didn’t make me feel any better about myself. For the first time in my sexual history, I felt like a slut. Like I had done something wrong. Which really, I had. Even if it wasn't my fault.

“You wanna find another club?” she asked, trying to make me feel better. I shook my head. “You wanna call Bo?”

Oh God. Bo was the last person I wanted to tell this to. I didn’t want him to know how low I had sunk.

“I just want to go home,” I said sadly, and we rode the rest of the way to Kammy’s in silence.

When we arrived she hugged me and patted my arm, telling me to call her. I gave the cab driver my address, and he mercifully obliged in silence.

Aunt Suzy was still awake when I returned home. She was watching TV in the dark by herself, wrapped in a blanket on the couch.

“You’re home early,” she said as she pointed the remote at the player and paused the show. It wasn’t really early, but it was early for me.

“Yeah… what are you watching?”

“Some show about lords and ladies fighting over a throne. And there’s dragons. And sex. Lots of sex,” she said with a smile.

“Sounds interesting.”

“Plenty of room for one more on this couch. I’ll explain all the characters to you.”

I smiled at her. That actually sounded really nice. You know how sometimes you just need your mom? I was kind of feeling that way right then. And my aunt was better than a mom.

The cab ride hadn’t done anything to ease the disgust I felt with myself. Maybe a movie night with my aunt would take my mind off things.

“Okay,” I said and she smiled brightly. “Can I take a quick shower first?”

“You shower, I’ll make some popcorn.”

Chapter Five

The next morning I woke to familiar tattooed arms around me. Bo was asleep behind me, holding me tight even as he slept. I had had horrible dreams about being chased by an evil queen while a little person commanded an army to defend me. Damn TV show.

Guilt washed through me as I realized I had forgotten to let Bo know I got home safe last night. I didn’t know what time he had come over, but it must have been either very late last night or very early this morning. Either way, he was probably exhausted.

His arms tightened around me as he shifted and sighed my name in his sleep. I involuntarily snuggled closer to him and closed my eyes, totally contented.

“Ivy…,” he said a little louder and I knew he was awake. I rolled over so we were face to face.

“Hi.” I expected to see a sleep-muddled face, but what I found was anger, hurt, and confusion. “What’s wrong?” I asked, touching his cheek.

He closed his eyes and exhaled. “Are you okay?”

“Okay?”

“Why didn’t you call me last night?”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” I said, looking down. “I guess I forgot.”

“You always call. What happened?”

I shrugged. “I got in early and watched some TV with Aunt Suzy.”

His eyes scanned my face. “You still always call.”

I avoided his gaze. I didn’t want to tell him what I had done. I still couldn’t believe it myself.

His nostrils flared. “Tell me what happened, Ivy,” he said, determinedly.

“Nothing happened,” I said slowly.

“Why are you lying? Did—did someone hurt you?” he asked, swallowing hard.

I shook my head. “No. Nothing like that.” I rolled on to my back away from him. I threw my arm over my face and hid in the crook of my elbow. “I just… did something stupid.”

“You are freaking me out here, Ivy. Please tell me.” He rolled closer to me and pulled my arm away from my face to look at me.

“Please don’t make me tell you,” I whispered.

His face fell. He looked hurt by my refusal. “All right, Ivy,” he said sadly and rolled away from me. “As long as you’re not hurt.” He sat up and slid out of my bed.

“Bo, wait.” I sat up and reached out after him. He turned back toward me. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I’m just really embarrassed.”

“We tell each other everything, Ivy. We always have. Don’t start keeping secrets from me now.”

“I don’t want you to think badly of me,” I admitted quietly.

Bo crawled back in bed, sat cross-legged in the middle, and pulled me into his lap. “I will never think badly of you. Never. I only want to help you, whatever this is.”

I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck. He rubbed my back in a soothing manner.

“Is it… is it drugs, Ivy?” he asked cautiously.

“Oh God, Bo! No! Of course not! You know me better than that,” I said, pulling back and looking at him with a smile.

He smiled in return and breathed a sigh of relief. “I know. I know you wouldn’t do that, but you are really freaking me out, Ivy.”

I snuggled into his chest as he hugged me close to him. We sat in silence for a long moment. I picked at my nail polish, slowly flaking it off. “Do you think I’m a slut, Bo?”

He froze. “Why would you ask that?”

I shrugged, and he sighed. “There may be aspects of you that other people might judge as slutty. But since when have you cared what other people think?”

“I don’t care what other people think. I care what
you
think.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t like it when you go out with Kammy, but that doesn’t make it wrong.”

“Is that a yes?” I asked stubbornly.

He chuckled. “No. It’s a no. I don’t think you’re a slut, Ivy.”

“You might change your mind about that.”

“What happened, Ivy?”

I sighed as self-loathing bubbled up inside me again. “Kammy and I went out, and I met this guy. We were dancing and we went into the bathroom… together.”

Bo’s hands clamped into fists.

“And afterward he told me he was married.”

Bo was silent for a moment but then chuckled, and I looked up at him with confusion. “I would have loved to see what you did to him when he told you that.”

I laughed. He knew me so well. “Well, let’s just say his wife will have no doubt what he did last night.”

Bo laughed again. “That’s my girl.”

I smiled big, but it quickly faded as I remembered my embarrassment. “So you don’t think I’m a slut?”

Bo leaned backward, taking me with him until we were lying down with him still wrapped around me.

“Ivy, you know I don’t like it when you go out with Kammy. I’d rather you…” He trailed off.

“You’d rather I what, Bo?”

He sighed. “I’d rather you be a little more concerned with your safety,” he said sternly. “You scared the hell out of me last night.”

“I’m sorry.” I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. “I was so ashamed. I didn’t want you to know.”

“It’s okay, Ivy,” he said, rubbing his hand on my arm. “You’re not a slut. You’re a confident, independent, strong, sexy-as-hell woman who I love.”

I smiled up at him and kissed him quick on the lips. “I love you too, Bo. I promise I’ll never not call you again.” He gave me a small smile. “Now, come on. I’ll make you some breakfast.” I began to uncurl myself from him.

“Wait,” he said and pulled me back closer to him. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and tightened his arms around me.

I was surprised and confused. “Bo?” I asked, touching his shoulder.

“Just—just let me hold you for a second,” he said into my neck.

I didn’t know why Bo wanted this, but I remained where I was, and we held each other in silence. Eventually my stomach growled, and Bo sighed and pulled away from me.

“What was that about?” I asked quietly.

He sighed again and scrubbed his face with his hand. “Ivy, I honestly thought something terrible had happened last night when you didn’t call. I woke up everyone I could think of at four in the morning, including your aunt and uncle, trying to find you. So right now—right now I just needed to hold you.”

I bit my lip but didn’t say a word. I didn’t want to be overdramatic, but really he was right. Anything could happen to me out there. And I knew he would never forgive himself if something did happen. So I nodded up at him, hoping he understood how sorry I was about last night. He smiled down at me and kissed my forehead.

“All right. Now go make me some blueberry pancakes.”

“Coming right up!” I said with a giggle and scampered out of bed.

Aunt Suzy was in the kitchen when I stumbled out of my bedroom in my cotton shorts and tank top pajama outfit. I started grabbing ingredients and dishes to make Bo’s pancakes.

“You’re chipper this morning,” my aunt said to me.

I shrugged. “How many seasons of that show we watched last night are there?”

“Four, I think.”

“We should watch more together soon.”

She watched me from over her coffee cup. “I’d like that,” she said. “Where’s Bo?”

“Bathroom,” I said simply. “I’m making us pancakes. Want any?”

“No, thanks. Your uncle was up at the butt crack of dawn to get inventory started, so I had breakfast with him.”

I smiled and nodded, thankful he hadn’t asked for my help with inventory this month.

“You must not have gotten much sleep.” We had been up fairly late watching our TV show.

“No. Especially not when Bo woke us up in the middle of the night looking for you,” she said and eyed me.

I cringed and focused on my pancake batter. “Sorry about that. I forgot to call him last night, and he was worried.”

Aunt Suzy nodded. My family was used to the way my friendship was with Bo. It wasn’t unheard of for Bo and me to spend days at a time basically living at each other’s place, especially now that we were out of high school and he didn’t live with his parents anymore.

We both kept multiple changes of clothes in the other one’s closets, and between the two of us, we had four toothbrushes. Which, now that I thought about it, would probably be a sore spot for any potential serious girlfriend for Bo. I can’t imagine walking into my boyfriend’s bathroom and seeing another woman’s toothbrush next to his in the holder. But in all honesty, I kind of liked having that sense of possession in his apartment.

“Hey, Sue,” Bo said as he walked into the kitchen and kissed the top of her head. He had changed into jeans and a plain black T-shirt. “Sorry about waking you up last night.”

“No worries, Bo. I’m just glad you’re looking out for our girl,” my aunt said, causing me to smile.

“Ivy, I’m sorry but Destiny called me. There’s a problem at the shop. I gotta go check it out.”

“Oh no. What’s wrong?”

“Something with the computers. No big deal, I don’t think, but I have to skip breakfast.”

“Well, here,” I said, opening a cupboard and handing him a couple granola bars. “Take these so at least you have something to eat.”

“Not as good as pancakes, but I’ll take them,” he said with a smile. “We still on for the movie tonight?”

“Yes, I’ll still go with you to your lame-ass zombie movie.” I rolled my eyes with a smile.

Bo said good-bye to Aunt Suzy, kissed me, and left to tackle his computer problem. I was sad to see him go, especially considering his lack of sleep.

I was debating what to do with the now-unwanted bowl of pancake batter when I heard my aunt sigh, and I looked up to see her shaking her head at me.

I cocked an eyebrow at her. “What’s that look for?”

“You two,” she said still shaking her head.

“Us two what?”

“Ivy, your uncle and I have been together for thirty-three years. I know love when I see it, and I see it in Bo when he looks at you and I think you know that.”

“Then you need your eyes checked. We’re just friends, Auntie.”

“Mm-hmm. When’s the last time you had another friend sleep over like Bo does? How many of your other friends hold you up on a pedestal like Bo does? Neither one of you has ever really dated anyone else. Whether you admit it or not, that boy is in love with you.”

I jabbed the whisk into the bowl of batter. “You’re wrong. Yes, we have a… peculiar friendship, but it works for us. You know that.”

My aunt reached across the counter and patted my hand. “I do know that, sweetheart and that’s fine. But I just don’t want you to miss out on something spectacular because you’re comfortable with what you have now.”

“What’s wrong with what I have now?”

“Nothing, dear. If you are both happy with what you have now, then that’s fine. But I don’t think Bo is happy.”

“He seems happy to me,” I argued but then remembered the way he desperately clung to me earlier. He had a primal need to hold me, and I still didn’t really understand what that was about.

“You don’t see how he looks at you when he thinks no one is looking.”

“You are overanalyzing. There’s never been anything but friendship between us.” I scraped the pancake batter into the garbage with a little more force than necessary and turned to wash the bowl out.

“Oookay… if you say so.”

“I do say so. Now,” I said changing the subject. “Why didn’t anyone tell me Uncle Paul hired Axel?”

My aunt shrugged. “He couldn’t find anywhere decent to work.”

“So we just up and let him work for us?”

Aunt Suzy look at me confused. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“Because he’s a lowlife drug dealer who almost put your son in jail!” I exclaimed.

“Ivy, we have to give people second chances. Sometimes that’s when you see the best in people.”

I looked at her with skepticism. “Yeah, right.”

She sighed and looked at me with pity. “I know you have every right to hate your mother for what she did, but that wasn’t Axel’s fault.”

“No, just people like Axel who supplied her with the drugs.”

“Axel did his time behind bars, sweetheart. He deserves to have a chance to redeem himself.”

I sighed. “We’ll see.”

“You’ve never done anything you regretted?” she asked me pointedly.

I looked away from her. She didn’t know how close she hit the nail on the head after my behavior last night.

I didn’t answer her, knowing this was a losing argument. No matter what I said, I was going to end up working with him. But no matter what she said, I would always be suspicious of anyone who messed with drugs.

She was right that Axel didn’t have anything to do with my mother, but people like him supplied my mother’s addiction and made her abandon me. So yeah, I was going to have a grudge against them.

“It’s just a trial run, Ivy. Your uncle will be keeping a close eye on him,” she said, trying to reassure me.

I nodded knowing Uncle Paul wasn’t the only one keeping an eye on Axel. Bo was too. Jaxson hopefully was as well. Actually, anyone who knew Axel’s history was probably going to keep an eye on him, and that made me happy.