Beyond Definition (8 page)

“Fuck yes, that's love. I've been telling you that for ages. Why is it so hard for you to see how much you love each other?”

I was quiet for a moment. “Why would he love me?” I shrugged. “My own parents don't even care about me.”

Christ. I had turned into the girl with daddy issues.

“Is that why you can't tell him you love him? You don't think you deserve him?”

I shrugged in reply, and Kammy let out an exasperated sigh. “Girl, you need to pull your head out of your ass. That man loves you. Permanently and irrevocably.”

I looked down at my tattoo on my wrist. The first tattoo I had ever gotten. Bo’s infinity heart. I clutched it to my chest.

“Would it really be that horrible to admit you are in love with him? This is Bo, Ivy. He’s your best friend. Loving him should be easy. You’re the one making this difficult.”

My throat tightened. These past twelve days had been miserable, and I couldn’t do it anymore.

The policewoman opened my car door from the outside. “Are we almost done?” I asked her.

“Just a few papers to sign,” she said as another cop approached us. He handed her all the information, and she went about as slow as possible explaining everything to me.

I tried to be patient, but now that I knew what I wanted, I couldn’t wait to find Bo.

Chapter Nine

To say my cousin was pissed would be the understatement of the year. He yelled at me the entire car ride, not even caring that Kammy was in the backseat. When he pulled up behind my car in front of Kammy’s apartment building, Jaxson fumed in the driver's seat while Kammy and I got out. We hugged, and she wished me luck before going inside. I turned to the open driver’s window.

“We’ll get your car tomorrow. Get in. I’m taking you home.”

“Don’t get mad,” I said preemptively.

He glared at me. “Why would I get mad? Or even more mad I should say, since I’m already pissed at you.”

“I can’t go home.”

“Ivy!” he cried. I'm sure he was beyond frustrated with me.

“I need to go to Bo’s!”

Jaxson was silent for a minute before nodding. “Fine. I’ll drive you there.”

“I can drive myself—” I started to say.

“Don’t even think about it. I know you have been drinking. You really think I’m going to let you drive anywhere?”

“Oh, believe me. I’ve sobered up.”

“Ivy, I’ll take you to Bo’s. Get your ass in.”

I knew he was right. Even if I felt sober now, I had been drinking, and I shouldn’t drive.

“Fine,” I said and got back in his truck.

We drove to Bo’s in silence. I was desperately trying to think of what to say to Bo. I didn’t even know where to start. Maybe I should just blurt it out. Or maybe it would be better to explain how much I missed him. My mind was racing as Jaxson pulled up in front of Bo’s apartment. I look up and saw the lights were on, meaning he was home. Thank God. I was worried what I would do if he hadn’t been here.

I thanked Jaxson and went to open my door, only to have my cousin grab my arm and stop me.

“Don’t fuck it up this time, Ivy,” he said.

I took a deep breath and nodded and got out of the truck. I heard the window roll down and I turned back to my cousin. “Text me if you need me.”

“I will!” I promised. Really, that was the least I could do after what I put him through tonight.

Jaxson drove away, and I took a deep breath and turned to look up at Bo’s apartment. This was it. A smile erupted on my face as I thought about how happy Bo would be when he saw me and heard what I had to say.

I raced up the metal stairs to his front door and knocked loudly. I nervously played with the latch on my small purse while I waited for the door to open.

Unease grew inside me the longer I waited but I pushed it aside, telling myself he must not have heard me. I knocked again. This time the door opened immediately, and I found myself looking at a round face with pink hair.

“Oh… hi,” Destiny said as she leaned against the door and smiled at me.

My heart dropped and my smile evaporated. What the fuck was she doing here? Anxiety prickled through me. For the first time ever, I felt like an intruder in Bo’s life.

Movement farther inside the apartment caught my eye, and I saw Bo enter his living room wearing only blue jeans. He was looking at his phone in his left hand, and his right hand, the hand he had used to repeatedly punch my attacker, was wrapped in a bandage.

My eyes went wide with disbelief. Why wasn’t he dressed with Destiny here? Why was she here to begin with? Was he with her when he had to come save me? Were they—were they a couple now?

I swallowed hard and took a step back. My movement caused him to finally look up and notice Destiny and me at his front door.

“Ivy!” he exclaimed with surprise, dropping his phone on the seat of the couch.

I turned and ran down the steps. My knees bounced up and down, and my high heels clanged on the metal steps as I tried to get away as fast as possible.

I could hear the blood surging through my ears as Bo shouted my name behind me, but I didn’t care what words he could possibly have to offer. I had lost him. The man who had loved me forever. All because I was too stupid and slow to realize he was all I ever wanted.

My feet hit the sidewalk, and I kept running. I didn’t know where I was headed, but I had to get away from this fucked-up situation.

“IVY!” Bo called from behind me.

I wanted to run away from him and never see him again. Everything was ruined now, and I needed to escape. But I knew he was a faster runner than I was, especially since I was still wearing heels, so I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and buried my face in my hands, waiting for him to catch me.

Strong hands grabbed my shoulders and gave me a little shake. “Ivy! What the hell are you doing?”

I dropped my hands and pulled out of his grasp. I was pissed off now. Obviously I hadn’t meant anything to him if he was so willing to jump into bed with Destiny.

“I hope she was worth it, Bo.” I hissed at him.

“What? She who?” He looked at me with confusion and concern.

I crossed my arms over my chest and tried not to look like he had just ripped my heart out. I looked toward his apartment and saw Destiny slowly descending the stairs looking at us with concern.

Bo straightened up. “You mean Dessy?” He looked pissed now as well. “What the hell do you care what I do with her?”

“Ooh believe me, I don’t care!” I said with as much venom as I could muster.

“Then why are you so mad?!”

“Because! Because you ruined everything! You ruined everything and now you don’t even care!”

“You think I don’t
care
?! You think I don’t care that I just lost my best friend because I fell in love with her and she doesn’t feel the same way?!”

“I DO FEEL THE SAME WAY!!” I screamed. I was so angry over the pain I had gone through without him only to find he was fucking around with that pink-haired tart.

I froze when I saw Bo’s eyes go wide. Never in my wildest imagination had I ever envisioned this would be how I told him I loved him.

“You do?” Bo asked in awe.

“Not that it fucking matters now! Obviously you didn’t mean anything you said, or I wouldn’t have found you with her tonight!”

He surged forward and pointed his finger in my face. “Fucking hell, Ivy. You put me through fucking hell!”

“Don’t you dare blame this on me! I have been
miserable
without you!”

“You looked just fine tonight.” He leaned back and his eyes wandered over my body. “Nice dress, by the way.”

I heard the smack and felt the sting on my hand before my brain could even register that I had wanted to slap him.

He stumbled back and placed a hand to his cheek, his eyes wide with shock that I had actually slapped him.

I looked down at my hand. It was turning red. My chest rose and fell quickly as I tried to get more oxygen into my lungs. The fringes of my view started to blur, and I looked up at Bo. He was far away in a long tunnel. He called my name, and I tried to lift my hand to grab him but my arm was too heavy. My head was too heavy too. Everything that had happened in the past two weeks was too much for me to deal with, and tonight had added to it and amplified my misery. And now Bo hated me. I couldn’t handle it. The world slipped away from me, and I felt my legs give out as familiar arms wrapped around me.

Chapter Ten

For a second when I woke the next morning, I thought things were back to normal. I could feel Bo lying next to me with his arm across my stomach. I opened my eyes and found I was lying on my back in his bed, and I was happy for the first time in almost two weeks.

His head rested on my shoulder, and I could tell by the way he was breathing that he was asleep. I smiled as I looked down at him, but then the memories from last night broke through my sleepy haze, and I realized nothing had been solved. The only reason I was in his bed was because I fainted during our screaming match on the sidewalk.

Any amount of happiness in my body vanished in an instant. My head throbbed, and I pinched my eyes closed trying to contain the growing tears.

“Ivy?” I heard Bo ask, and I felt him shift to look at me. “Are you going to be sick?”

I covered my eyes with my hand and shook my head.

“How do you feel? Does your head hurt?” His voice was thick with worry.

I nodded. My head was killing me.

“There’s water and aspirin on the nightstand next to you,” Bo said before detangling himself from me and getting out of bed. The void he left behind made my heart ache even more.

I sat up and flinched while the throbbing in my head momentarily got worse. I popped the pills and drank the entire glass of water, indulging in the deliciously refreshing feeling.

“I’ll get you some more,” he said awkwardly and left the bedroom.

I didn’t need another glass of water. I needed to go home. I shakily stood up from Bo’s bed with every intention of making a quick getaway, but I realized how gross I felt. Someone—either Bo or Destiny—had taken my dress off and put me in a pair of Bo's pajamas, but I still felt disgusting from dancing and drinking.

Bo had a bathroom attached to his bedroom, and I quickly scampered into it before he returned. I stripped off my clothes and turned the water to the hottest setting. Maybe if I stood under the shower long enough I could wash away the hurt and shame I felt.

The hot steam and water raining down on my head made me feel slightly better once I was in the shower, but the ache in my heart was still there. And now confusion mingled along with it. Was Destiny still here? She couldn’t have been happy about me spending the night, especially since Bo had slept in bed with me. Why did he do that? Was it just to make sure I was okay after I fainted?

I stood under the scalding water letting the warmth invade my pores, pondering these questions and I realized none of the answers mattered. The whys and hows didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I was going to return home, broken and alone. The miniscule bit of hope I had clung to over the past two weeks had evaporated. I realized I had been holding out for Bo to come back to me. He had always been there for me, and when I realized he wasn’t going to come back this time, I reacted the only way I knew how—by acting like the slut that I had become.

A sob escaped from my chest as my tears mingled with the water falling down on me. Emotion poured out of me. Grief over what I had reduced myself to. Rage over what almost happened last night. Guilt over what I had put Bo and Jaxson through. Hate toward myself for acting just like the girls I despised. The ones Bo dated who put their jealousy first, never asking what Bo needed from the relationship.

For as much as I wanted to blame Bo for this situation, everything was my fault. My fault I was too slow and stupid to realize I did love him. My fault I couldn’t tell him sooner. My fault I had lost him. My fault.

I dropped my head into my hands and cried harder than I ever remember crying.

I heard the shower door open behind me, but I didn’t lift my head from my hands. Bo turned me around to face him and gathered me in his arms. He held me as the hot water beat down on both of us.

I was so desperate for him; I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face against his chest.

“It’s okay, Ivy. I’m here. I’m here,” Bo said quietly. It was the most comforting thing I had ever heard. I tightened my grip on him. Even if he was no longer mine, even if he didn’t want me anymore, I still needed him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I repeated as I sobbed against him. I could never tell him how sorry I was.

“Stop. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I pulled back to look him in the face. “Yes, I did, Bo. I did everything wrong. I was so worried about losing you I never thought about what you wanted. But now I have lost you, and I deserve to be miserable after what I put you through.”

“Ivy—” He said my name in a whisper, and before I knew it, his mouth was on mine, warm and firm.

Startled, I momentarily froze and my mind whirled. This didn’t make any sense, but I no longer cared. I melted against Bo and kissed him back as happiness bubbled inside me. Our kiss became more intense. Bo opened his mouth, and I felt his tongue graze against my lips. I pushed up hard against him, tightening my hold on him as I opened my mouth and brushed his tongue with mine. He moaned, and his arms squeezed me close to him. Any space between us disappeared, and I was suddenly very aware we were both naked.

I felt him harden against my hip and I ran my hands over his back, feeling his smooth skin and hard muscles. He unwrapped his arms and slowly let his hands drift up from my hips. His fingers fluttered over my stomach before his hands came to rest on my ribs below my breasts. Ever so slowly he lightly skimmed one thumb up the underside of my breast and circled around the nipple. Instinctively, I pushed my chest to his hand and he responded by squeezing and rolling my nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

I broke our kiss as I moaned at the sensation Bo was causing inside me. When he squeezed my nipple again, I felt pleasure shoot straight to my core. Bo moved his mouth to my neck and found a spot that made my toes curl when he licked me there.

“Oh, Bo!” I cried out and moved a hand to the back of his head, keeping him from moving away from that spot. Every time he kissed, suckled, or licked me there, my legs went weak and my hips arched to him.

His kisses moved from my neck, across my collarbone, and down my chest until he was taking a nipple into his mouth. Electricity zipped from my nipple directly between my legs, and I groaned and threw my head back. Desire coursed through me as the ache deep inside intensified.

I ran my hands up and down Bo’s back and across his shoulders. I pulled his face back up to mine so I could show my need for him. I kissed him hard, our tongues dancing, as I moved my hands down his hard chest. I felt the ridges of his abdominal muscles and I traced the V that pointed to his hard manhood.

I felt him shudder as I got close enough to take him in my hand, but before I was able to, Bo grabbed my hands and pushed me out of the falling water and against the wall of the shower.

He snaked his hands over my hips and cupped my butt, lifting me up so I was pushed against the wall of the shower. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he aligned himself to enter me, but he paused.

He was breathing hard, restraining himself. “No condom,” he said, looking deep into my eyes with desire. He was asking permission.

My breath came fast, and I could feel my heart pounding. I wanted him so badly, but with those two words, reality rushed back into our steamy shower.

“Bo, wait.” I said, unwrapping my legs from around him. “I can’t do this.”

Bo groaned in frustration and set me down but didn’t move away from me. “Ivy…” Bo pleaded. “Don’t do this to me.”

“No, Bo. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” I pushed him away from me and fled the shower. Grabbing a towel, I wrapped it around myself under my arms and walked into his bedroom, away from him.

I might not have cared in the past who I slept with, but I swore I would never screw another girl’s man. I hated Destiny, but she was with Bo now, and I wouldn’t mess around with her man, no matter how much I wanted to.

“Ivy! Please don’t walk away from me,” Bo begged from behind me.

I cringed and turned toward him, holding a hand up to ward him off. He had wrapped a towel around his waist and droplets of water clung to his chest.

“No, Bo. Don’t make this more difficult. I’m not a slut.”

“What? I don’t think you’re a slut.” He rubbed the top of his head with his hand in frustration. “I didn’t mean what I said last night. I was—I was upset.”

I shook my head, not listening to what he said. “I won’t hurt Destiny like this.”

“Destiny?” His eyes went wide.

“I know you haven’t been dating long, but it doesn’t matter to me. I won’t do this to her.”

Bo’s face softened. “Ivy… Dessy's married. She’s never been more to me than a friend and employee.” He took a step toward me.

My breath left me in a rush. I dropped my hand. “What?”

“Destiny is married,” he said slowly. “I’m not dating her or anyone.”

“But you said…”

“I never said we were dating. You just kind of assumed.” He shrugged.

“But… what was she doing here last night?”

Bo sighed. “I called her after Jaxson informed me you slipped away from him. We didn’t know where you went, so Dessy and her husband were helping us look for you.”

“You were looking for me?” I honestly thought when I went out with Kammy last night that he didn't care anymore.

“Of course,” he said, taking another step closer. “Of course I was. Thank God I found you when I did. I would never have forgiven myself if something had happened to you.”

My mind was still reeling over this new information. “Destiny's married?” I asked again.

Bo chuckled. “Yeah. For like three years now, I guess. Her husband’s a good guy. We've hung out a few times.”

“So, wait. Why was she here?”

Bo sighed. “I called her after the cops let me go to let her know I found you. She could tell I was a wreck, so she and her husband came over here and she wrapped up my hand.” He lifted his slightly swollen hand and opened and closed his fist.

“Does it hurt?” I moved closer to him and lifted my hand to caress his gently, as if that would help with the pain.

“Not too bad,” he answered. I could feel his eyes roaming my face. “Ivy… last night you said… you said…” he stammered and cleared his throat.

I looked up at him. His eyes were fearful as if he was worried I would take back what I said.

I inhaled deeply. This was it. “Bo, I’m sorry for any heartache I caused you. I never wanted to do that. I feel like I jerked you around and led you on for so long.”

“No,” Bo said interrupting. “You never led me on. You were very clear we were just friends. But truthfully, Ivy, nothing you could have said or done would have stopped me from falling in love with you.”

“Bo… “ I whispered. No one had ever made me feel this special. Tears formed in my eyes again.

“Don’t cry, Ivy. I just want you to be happy, whatever you decide.” He was giving me an out.

I shook my head and sniffled. “There's no decision to make, Bo. I can't be without you.” I stepped up close to him and rested my hand on his chest. “I should have realized a long time ago that I will never love anyone the way I love you. What we have is beyond definition. Best friend... boyfriend... lover. None of those terms work because what we have is more than any of that. I don't know where I end and you begin anymore. There's no me. There's no you. There can only be us. Together. I can't exist any other way.”

Bo exhaled loudly, and his shoulder sagged in relief. “Ivy...” he said in a moan. His eyes burned into mine. “I've waited so long to finally be able to tell you I love you. I've dreamed of you saying it back. Please... please tell me you love me.”

I moved my hand to cup his cheek, and he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close. “Bo, I've loved you forever. I
will
love you forever,” I said with determination as my eyes filled with tears.

A shudder ran through him as he closed his eyes and absorbed my words. He pulled back from my face slightly and peered down at me. His eyes were sad. “I’ve wanted this for so long. I’m so afraid to hope this is real only to have you disappear on me.”

“It’s real, Bo. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t ever want to be apart from you again.”

“Ivy… “ he said in an adoring whisper.

“I love you, Bo.” I looked him deep in the eyes. “I'm so sorry I couldn't say it before. I don't know why I denied it so strongly for so long.”

“What made you realize? What made you come here last night?” he asked, begging to understand what changed my mind.

I backed away from him and clasped his uninjured hand in mine. He looked down at me, waiting for an answer, but I gently pulled him toward the bed. He followed me, both of us still wrapped in our towels, and we crawled under the covers. Bo closed his eyes and hummed happily as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to him until our chests were touching.

We lay in each other's arms in silence for a moment, simply enjoying being close to one another again. I had missed him so much.

I brushed my fingers over the scruff on his jaw. He blinked his eyes open and looked at me adoringly. All these years of sleeping in his arms, and he was in love with me the whole time. My heart hurt over his years of longing for me.