Black Dagger (Mad Jackals Brotherhood MC Book 1) (4 page)

“He’s good. He misses you.” She watches as pain flickers across his beautiful blue eyes. “He’ll be glad to hear you’re not dead after all!” She huffs a mirthless laugh, feeling like the conversation they’re having is something out of The Twilight Zone.

“I miss him, too.” Ray says the words quietly, looking down at his empty plate. When he looks back up, it’s as if he’s compartmentalized whatever feeling had momentarily overcome him. “How about with your job? You’ve been at the shelter for a while now, right?”

Mia looks at him in shock. “Been checking up on me?” Ray merely shrugs as if he hasn’t heard the challenge in her voice. “I’ve been at the shelter off and on since…since high school graduation.” She had been about to say since he’d left, but she’d stopped herself just in time.

“What do you do there? Your tall friend wasn’t exactly forthcoming with the details.” He smiles wryly at her then and it takes Mia’s breath away.

“You were quizzing Cassie about me?” It’s Mia’s turn to raise an eyebrow at him now.

“Don’t worry, she didn’t tell me anything other than that you worked there.” Ray levels her with that heated stare of his. “So?”

Mia shakes her head, knowing Ray is like a dog with a bone when he wants something. “I’m training to be a grief counselor,” she says eventually. “Janine – the owner of the shelter – she let me do some on-the-job training there while I was an undergrad. I’m getting my Master’s now and the hours at the shelter count towards the clinical experience I need, plus it helps pay the bills. They can’t afford someone that’s fully qualified so it’s a win-win situation.” She shrugs as if that’s all there is to it.

“And you love it.” It’s a statement not a question and Mia is struck again by just how much Ray seems to know about her.

She can’t help but smile. “I do, I really do. It’s hard, dealing with the stories of these women, knowing what they’ve been through, but they’re really incredible – getting their lives back together after everything they’ve had to cope with. It’s satisfying to know I’m helping them do that.” She stops abruptly, knowing she’s let her passion for her work get her carried away.

“You always said you wanted to help people. You did good, Mimi.” Ray looks at her, clearly impressed, and Mia feels a stab of pleasure to know he’s proud of what she’s doing.

“Eli wouldn’t agree with you.” The words are out of her mouth before she even realizes what she’s saying and she bites her lip hard. There’s no surprise on Ray’s face as his words hit home. But Mia still feels like she wants to explain, to talk over the deathly silence that’s settled over their table.

“Eli and I are together, we have been since…for the last four years. He wants to get married, to look after me. He doesn’t like the idea of me working at the shelter, dealing with grief and pain every day, he says I’ve had enough of that already.” She risks a look at Ray and is surprised to see the hurt she finds there.

“I’m guessing he wasn’t just talking about your mom.” Ray says the words so quietly, forcing Mia to strain to hear them.

“No, he wasn’t.” She doesn’t spare him, figuring he hadn’t spared her feelings when he’d up and left, so why should she return the favor? “You disappeared, Ray, without a word. One day we were planning what we would do after graduation and the next you were gone. You didn’t even leave a goddam note.” Mia’s words catch in her throat but she pushes on, needing to say them. “I was a mess when you left, for a long time. I waited for you, like an idiot!” She shakes her head in disgust. “Then when Eli told me you were dead, it was like the final nail in the coffin. It was one thing to wait around for someone who doesn’t want you but it takes a special kind of crazy to wait for someone to come back from the dead!” She barks a harsh laugh, barely recognizing the sound as her own.

“And yet here I am.” Ray’s voice is quiet but his tone strong as he looks at her with the hurt still shining in his eyes.

Chapter Five

It makes Mia inordinately angry. What right did he have to appear after all this time and play the victim and make her feel bad for getting over him? Because that’s what she’d done, wasn’t it – get over him? “What had you expected, Ray? Did you think that I would just wait around for you forever, with nothing but a goddam MC patch to hold onto? Don’t I deserve more than that?” Mia scrubs at her eyes, refusing to cry. She’d spilled too many tears over him already.

Ray takes the abuse, almost as if he believes it’s what he deserves. The only hint of his feelings come from his fists that clench and unclench repeatedly on the table, as if he’s fighting for some kind of control.

Despite everything, Mia has to consciously stop from reaching out to touch him, covering his hand with hers as she had seen the older couple do in the booth next to theirs. She has to struggle to bring her emotions back into line. She watches Ray as his jaw hardens, waiting for him to say something, to say anything that won’t make her have to guess at what he’s thinking. She does too much of that in her day job, she could do without having to deal with it in her time off as well.

When it becomes clear that Ray has no intention of opening his mouth, she suddenly feels bone-crushingly tired. “Why did you come back, Ray? Why after all this time?”

He blinks at her, as if surprised at her question, as if there was only one possible answer. “I came back for you, just like I promised.” He reaches out and takes hold of the hands she’s still crushing together and she feels the shiver of electricity she’d always experienced whenever he had touched her.

But electricity isn’t enough to erase the years of silence and loneliness. She pulls her hands away from him, leaning back into the booth, getting as far away from him as she can without actually getting up and leaving. She feels heavy with regret, of time missed, opportunities lost. “It doesn’t work that way, Ray. You don’t get to just reappear when you feel like it and turn everything upside down because you’re bored. It’s too little too late.” She shakes her head, feeling her heart squeeze as she says the words.

“We both know that’s not true.” Ray looks at her in the way that makes her feel like she’s an open book to him.

“You’re pretty sure of yourself, pretty sure of how well you know me, for someone who hasn’t set eyes on me in a long time. I’ve changed – a lot.” She cocks her head at him, ready for whatever he’s going to throw at her.

“Just because you haven’t seen me doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you.” The words come out of Ray’s mouth strained, as if he’s trying to hold onto them.

Mia gapes, her jaw dropping. This isn’t something she’d been prepared to hear. “What are you talking about?” Her voice is hoarse as if she’d been shouting.

Ray rubs his forehead again, in what Mia is starting to recognize as a nervous gesture, one he hadn’t had before. “This isn’t the first time I’ve come back.”

Mia is glad she’s sitting down otherwise that sentence would have knocked her sprawling on her ass. She opens her mouth to ask a question but finds that her voice has escaped her. She closes it and tries again. “When?”

Ray looks at her as if he understands the shock on her face, as if he’d expected it. “Whenever I could, whenever I thought it was safe.” He shrugs, as if there isn’t any more to say.

“Safe for who?” Mia shakes her head in confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Ray holds his hand up, silencing her. “I know you have a lot of questions, Mia. I can’t answer them all right now, but you’ll have your answers soon. I promise you that.”

“Your promises aren’t worth all that much to me anymore.” The harshness in Mia’s voice surprises even her, and Ray winces as if she’d slapped him.

“That’s fair.” Ray sighs deeply, suddenly looking older than his twenty-six years. “I guess I haven’t given you a lot of reasons to trust me recently.”

“Why didn’t you tell me where you’d gone? Why didn’t you get in touch? A phone call, a damn telegram! I would have taken anything.” Mia cringes at the desperation in her voice, but, as her father always liked to say, the truth hurts.

“You’ll never know how sorry I am, Mia. I never meant to cause you any pain.” Ray’s jaw is rigid and his whole body is tensed like a coiled spring.

“Well you did.” She doesn’t say the words with any malice or anger; she’s just stating the facts. “And you can’t change that.” Mia nods as she realizes what that means she needs to do next. “I have to go.” She grabs her purse and moves to get out of the booth. “I lied to Eli to come here and I feel terrible about it. He trusts me and I betrayed that trust! I don’t know why I came. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.” She doesn’t even really know what she’s apologizing for; she just knows she wants to get out of here, as quickly as she can.

“Mia, wait.” Ray’s strong hand reaches out and grabs hold of her wrist, holding her in place. She flinches away, a reflexive action and watches as Ray’s face crumbles. “If he’s ever hurt you, Mia…” Ray leaves the threat open, as if he’s so mad he can’t get the words out.

Mia shakes her head, wondering how he’s gotten things so mixed up. “Eli has never laid a hand on me. He was your friend! How could you think he would be capable of something like that?” Her voice wobbles as she thinks about the times Eli’s gotten angry and blocked her into a corner, intimidating her with his size. But what she’d told Ray wasn’t a lie; Eli had never hit her. He wasn’t that sort of guy.

Ray sighs, deeply, but he doesn’t look like he completely believes her and he doesn’t let go of her wrist. “Mia.” The pain in his voice makes her look up at him and the concern in his eyes hits her like a battering ram. “Does he make you happy?”

“You have no right to ask me that question, Ray.” Her voice trembles, hell her whole body trembles as she answers the question that, somehow, she’d known he was going to ask as soon as he walked in the door.

“You’re right.” Ray drops his head, sighing deeply and so sadly it makes Mia’s heart ache a little until she pulls herself together. “But I’m asking anyway.” He looks into her eyes – blue meeting brown and the connection between them is undeniable. The air almost fizzles with the electricity snapping between them.

“You’re hurting me.” She twists her wrist that he’s still grasping. It’s a lie, but she needs to do something to sever this connection between them.

Ray lets her go immediately, looking stricken at the possibility of physically harming her. “I’m sorry.” He shakes his head as if he can’t believe that he let himself do that.

“It’s okay. I’m okay, Ray. You don’t need to worry about me.” She says the words gently, catching his eye and hoping she sounds more sincere than she feels.

“But I do, Mia. I have for a long time. I can’t just switch it off.” He shrugs and smiles so sweetly she feels her insides clench and her core warm all over again. “So will you answer my question? Does he make you happy?”

Mia swallows hard, wishing she could evade the intensity of his stare but knowing she can’t. “He’s a good man.” And she wishes it didn’t sound so pathetic.

Ray’s eyebrow goes up, as if a string had pulled it. “That’s not what I asked you.”

Mia knows that she needs to get out of this situation. She’s never been a good liar, as Cassie never tired of telling her and now wasn’t the moment to tell the truth.

“I really have to go, Ray. It was good to see you. I’m glad you’re all right.” She blindly grabs for her purse, already feeling tears rising behind her eyes. She doesn’t even wait for Ray’s response, heading out of the diner as quickly as she can.

“Dammit, Mia. Wait!” Ray’s voice follows her outside and, after a few seconds, he’s right behind her, pulling her around to face him as she reaches her car.

“What, Ray? What do you want from me?” She wishes her voice didn’t sound so miserable, but it’s hard to pretend to be strong when all you want to do is sob your heart out.

Ray keeps hold of her shoulders and he leans into her, bending down to make up for the height difference, his face only inches from hers. She can see the golden brown stubble on his cheeks and she clenches her fist from reaching out to touch it, to rub her hand along it. He’s close enough to kiss, close enough for her to feel the heat emanating from him. She knows the feeling, she feels like she’s burning up from the inside out.

“I want you to answer the damn question, Mia.” His voice is a growl, and it awakens the butterflies in her stomach that have been silent for the longest time.

“I have a good life, Ray, a good job, a good man, a good future! Why did you have to come back now?” She drops her head, feeling the tears slide down her cheeks and in the next moment, Ray’s arms are around her, pulling her against him. She rests her head against his chest and he drops his head on top of hers, holding her as she cries. She fits against him so perfectly, just like she always had.

“Don’t cry, baby. Please, Mia. I hate to see you cry.” Ray whispers against her curly hair. His voice is soft, but Mia can feel the way he is responding to her, the hardness of his body in direct contrast to the gentle way he comforts her, as if she were a child. “What are you thinking, Mia? Talk to me, please.”

She replies with the only thing she can think to say, because he said please. “Your shirt’s all wet.” She sniffs loudly as she pulls away from him, keeping her head down so he doesn’t see what she’s sure isn’t a pretty picture – a tear-streaked face and swollen eyes.

He laughs and it’s a deep rumble that echoes through his body. She’s really missed that laugh. “It’s all right; it’ll dry.” He hooks his finger under her chin and lifts it up so she meets his eyes. He’s still holding her and now their eyes are locked in something that Mia doesn’t even know how to name. “I didn’t want to make you cry, Mimi. I just wanted to see you.” His eyes burn with what he’s left unsaid, with what they’ve both left unsaid. “Do you wish I hadn’t come back?” His whole body goes rigid as he asks the question, steeling himself for her answer.

“No.” The response is out of her mouth before she’s even had time to think about it. But she doesn’t need to; she knows she could never wish that.

“Well, that’s something I guess.” He smiles crookedly at her, but she notices the sigh of relief he lets out.

Mia knows she should step out of his arms, that he shouldn’t be touching her like this, that her body shouldn’t be responding to him the way it does. But she can’t bring herself to, not until she’s said the words that she needs to say and she knows he needs to hear. “Not like you did.” She says them so quietly Ray has to dip his head even lower to hear her, getting even closer to her.

“What?” He frowns at her, confusion written on his face.

“You asked me if Eli makes me happy.” She takes a deep breath as she prepares to say something she knows she’ll probably regret in the morning. “The answer is not like you did.”

She sees the fire flash in his eyes and feels the heat between her thighs respond. He wants her – that much is clear from his hardness pushing against her stomach. And you want him, she points out. But she kicks that thought out of her mind. It doesn’t matter; she can’t have him. That ship had sailed a long time ago.

“Now, I really have to go.” Painfully, trying to ignore the ache in her heart she steps out of his embrace and Ray tightens his hold on her for a moment before letting his arms drop, releasing her. She feels a surge of disappointment and then berates herself. What was he supposed to do, take you against the car in the middle of the diner parking lot? You have a boyfriend, Mia; remember? Yeah, I remember, she thinks to herself grimly.

“Mia.” Ray reaches out to her, but he doesn’t seem to know what to say and he lets his arm drop.

“It’s good to see you, Ray. I’m glad you’re not dead.” She lifts her lips in a half smile, trying to break some of the tension with her bad joke.

“Thanks, me too.” Ray has shoved his hands in his pockets, as if it’s the only way to stop touching her.

Mia can sympathize; her body is crying out to be touched by him, desperate for him, but she won’t give into it; she can’t. They can’t just pick up where they left off, not after everything that’s happened. Life doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t work like that. So why does it feel like her heart is breaking all over again as she drives away from him while he stares after her? Because he was your first love, she tells herself. That’s all it is, just residual emotional attachment. She doesn’t even try to persuade herself that it’s true.