Black Dagger (Mad Jackals Brotherhood MC Book 1) (5 page)

And now she has to go to Eli; he was expecting her tonight. But the thought of that is too awkward to bear. She can’t see him now, when everything with Ray is so fresh and so blatantly written all over her face. There’s only one place she can go, pressing speed dial on her cell.

“Is the offer for a margarita still open?” She sniffs hard, trying to get the dreariness out of her voice.

“Is it ever not?” Cassie’s response is typically non-judgmental but Mia can tell she’s concerned. “Are you all right, Mia? Is it about that guy from this morning?”

Mia sighs heavily – Cassie had heard about Ray, but only in the abstract, only to know that her high school boyfriend dumped her. Mia had never wanted to dredge the past up again by telling the story. But tonight everything had changed; tonight she needed a shoulder to cry on and she needed a friend.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes. I hope you’ve got Kleenex.” She laughs humorlessly.

“Margaritas and Kleenex, this must be bad!” Mia can almost hear the question in her friend’s voice.

“You have no idea.” She shakes her head, realizing the same is true for her. She has no idea what Ray’s reappearance in her life means. She doesn’t know why he’s back or where he went in the first place. She has no idea, but as she gets closer and closer to Cassie’s apartment, she realizes she’s going to find out.

Chapter Six

“Yes, I’m sure. Everything’s fine, Eli. I just got back late is all. I figured you’d be asleep. I didn’t want to wake you so I went back to my place.” Mia cringes into her cell as the lie rolls off her tongue oh so easily.

“I just thought we could talk…about what happened yesterday. I hate fighting with you.” Eli’s voice is soft and sweet on the other end of the line, which just makes her feel even more crappy.

What do you have to feel bad about? You didn’t do anything, she reminds herself. Right, apart from meet up with my supposedly dead ex boyfriend and lie to the man that I love. The sexy dreams she’d had about Ray the night before are still revolving around her mind and she has to blink to disperse the lingering images.

“I know. I hate fighting with you, too.” Mia sighs deeply, glad this is one thing she doesn’t have to lie about. “Let’s talk tonight. I could come over, make a batch of my famous chili!”

“Ah, babe, that would be great, but it’s poker night. All the guys are coming round. But you could totally come.” Eli’s reply is hasty, like he knows he’s trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

“No, you guys don’t get to hang out as much as I know you’d like. I’ll just see you tomorrow, okay?” Mia catches sight of the time on her alarm clock and utters a curse under her breath. “I’ve gotta go. I only just woke up and I need to get ready for work.”

“Little late for you, isn’t it, Mia? You don’t normally sleep in. You sure you’re okay?”

Eli’s concern is clear in his voice and Mia has to bite her lip to stop herself from explaining that she and Cassie had one too many margaritas last night, so she rolled into bed way past her bedtime. The alcohol coupled with her steamy dreams had left her feeling wrung out and not a little exhausted. And, now, if she didn’t get a move on, she would be late for work for the first time in recorded history.

“I’m fine, really. I just must have been more tired than I realized. Have a good day, Eli.”
He doesn’t make me happy, not like you did.
The memory of the words she’d said to Ray resurface, making her bang her head against the headboard, as if she could get rid of what she’d said by shaking it out of her mind.

“You, too. Call me later. I love you.” Eli’s voice drops as he says those three magic little words, as if he’s embarrassed by them, or more likely he doesn’t want the rest of the hardware store to hear him getting all gooey over his girlfriend. Eli’s dad is old school and believes that real men don’t show their feelings.

Mia isn’t sure she’s ever heard him say anything remotely kind to his wife. He sure as heck had never said anything nice to her. He believes a woman’s place was in the home. It didn’t sit well with him that she went out and earned a living. That was something he was just going to get over, as far as she was concerned.

“You, too. Bye.” Mia ends the call before Eli can say anything else or perhaps before he has time to analyze the hastiness in her voice. She’d panicked when she’d realized she should respond, but why? It wasn’t as if this was the first time he’d said it to her. They used to say it all the time. It was only recently that those three words had disappeared from their daily vocabulary. And, now, they were back and Mia didn’t know how to feel about it.

“Get a grip, Mia, and go to work.” She looks at herself in the mirror on her dresser, pushing her wayward curly hair out of her eyes. Her gaze flicks to the photograph in the corner of the mirror – a woman that looks a lot like Mia is holding a toddler in her arms, smiling and looking like nothing could make her happier.

Mia had her mother’s features, the same almond-shaped eyes that were so dark they almost looked black. Her caramel complexion she’d inherited from her father – a second generation Mexican who had done everything he could to fit in to a predominantly white town. He’d married a white girl straight out of high school, played football, worked hard, and made a decent living. But his wife had been everything that had mattered to him and when she was gone, it had turned his world upside down.

Her mother had died over a decade ago and he still mourned her. It made Mia wonder if you ever got over the death of someone that you loved, which brought her back to Ray. Ray with the golden hair and the lopsided grin, Ray who made her stomach do back-flips just by looking at her, Ray who she’d thought was dead.

She touches her full lips, remembering her dream. He’d been kissing her and it was just like it had been all those years ago. She’d run her hand over his stubbly cheek, pressed herself against him, felt the strength of his hard body. He touched her like he knew exactly what she needed, exactly what she wanted. She’d woken with her heart racing, wetness between her thighs, and a frustration that she could still feel, even now. Sex with Eli had never been bad, but it wasn’t anything close to what she’d experienced in her dream with Ray. That’s because that’s exactly what it was, she points out to herself. It was just a dream. It doesn’t mean anything.

In the past she’d wanted him, badly, and now she couldn’t have him. It is as simple as that – Psychology 101. But it didn’t matter – she will not see him again, whatever had brought him back it sure as hell wasn’t her, not after all this time.

“Now get in the shower and get your head screwed back on.” Mia gives herself a hard stare in the mirror, setting her mind to what she’s saying. But as the hot water beats down on her and she washes her soapy body, it’s someone else’s hands she’s imagining touching her.

Chapter Seven

“You’ve been doing great these last few months. You’re going to be all right, Amanda. You’re ready.” Mia covers the other woman’s hand with her own and smiles over at her.

“Thank you, Mia. I couldn’t have done it without you.” Amanda’s eyes fill with tears as she opens her mouth to say more, but Mia waves her words away.

“Yes you could. This is all you, Amanda. You decided what you wanted from your life and you went after it. I just listened.” Mia leads her towards the door of the consultation room and Amanda opens it, about to walk through before she stops and turns around.

“What if he comes back? What if he finds me?” There’s a tremble in Amanda’s voice that makes Mia wish she’d met the guy who had hurt her so badly. Amanda was only twenty but life had made her look a hell of a lot older. Her ex was a bad egg, but he’d had a lot of power, a lot of friends. He’d been part of a gang and he’d intimidated Amanda, making her feel like she could never leave him. He’d hit her and made her feel like she wasn’t worth anything, until one day he’d told her he was going to kill her and she’d believed him. That’s when she’d found the women’s shelter; she’d been here for six months and she was ready to leave, to start a new life out in the world.

“He won’t.” Mia’s voice is firm and she wishes she could transmit some of the confidence she feels to the trembling girl in front of her. “You’re going to be all right, Amanda. You’ve got this. Remember if you need anything, you can always come back or give me a call.” She hands over her card. “My cell number is on the back.”

Amanda cradles the card in her hand as if it were a treasured possession and Mia has to hold herself together not to cry.

“Thank you.” Amanda whispers the words and rushes out of the room as quickly as she can, as if she were afraid she wouldn’t be able to leave if she left it any longer.

Mia walks back to her desk and sits down heavily, sighing deeply, wiping the unshed tears from her eyes. It was an occupational hazard, getting involved with these women. They all had such terrible stories. It was hard for them not to get to you.

“That looked…intense.” Mia’s head snaps up to the open door and the man filling it, his head tilted to the side, examining her. “You’re pretty amazing, Mia. You know that?”

She feels another blush stealing up her neck. Ray is probably the only man in the world who can still make her flush with pleasure like a teenager. “I’m still learning. It’s the women that come here who are the amazing ones.” She brushes away his compliment, feeling her blush calm. “What…what are you doing here?” Mia’s eyes widen as Ray wanders over to the other side of her desk, towering over her.

“I came to apologize for…well, I guess, for everything.” Ray sighs, rubbing his forehead.

“Everything?” Mia raises an eyebrow. “That covers a multitude of sins.”

“Too many to count.” Ray’s voice is low and husky and it stirs something deep inside of Mia, something primal and hot and full of need.

She swallows hard as his blue eyes pin her to her chair and she’s glad she’s sitting down; she doesn’t trust her legs not to give way beneath her – one of the many hazards of being around this man.

“Why are you here, Ray? I thought we’d said what needed to be said last night.” She moves some papers around her desk on the pretense of tidying, doing anything that will allow her to avoid his piercing stare.

“There’s a lot I wanted to say that I didn’t get a chance to before… before you left.” Ray sighs deeply and Mia stands up, shoving papers into her bag and collecting her things, not wanting to get into another deep and meaningful discussion with him.

“You mean before I freaked out and ran out of the diner like a crazy person?” She attempts a smile as she repeats the words she had used to summarize the situation to Cassie the night before.

Ray chuckles and it’s a deep, rumbling sound that makes Mia want to squirm. “Something like that.”

“Well, there isn’t anything you owe me, Ray. I don’t need any explanations or anything from you, really. We’re all good here.” Mia plasters a bright smile on her face and looks up at him, grabbing her keys and taking as wide a berth around him as she can to get to the door. “And, now, I really need to get going.” She stands outside her office, fiddling with her keys, making a concerted effort to stay still and not shuffle her feet the way she knows she does when she’s nervous.

“All right.” Ray says the word under his breath and he follows her out, brushing past her as he walks through the door and standing too close to her, making her hands tremble as she finds the right key to slide into the lock.

Mia can feel his breath on the back of her neck and she can swear he ducks his head to smell her hair. All her nerve endings feel like they’re standing up on end and she has to resist the urge to step back until she’s touching him, until she’s in his arms and then…And then, what? she asks herself. Nothing, because it has to be nothing, because you’re with Eli, a nice, safe, respectable, responsible man, and Ray – well, Ray is something else entirely.

“I’ll walk you out.” He doesn’t wait for her to agree before he takes hold of her elbow and steers her towards the doors out back.

“That’s not necessary. I’m fine, really.” She tries to slide her arm out of Ray’s hold, feeling his touch burning her skin, but he doesn’t seem to have any plans to release her.

“This place isn’t exactly in the best neighborhood and everyone else has cleared out for the night.” Ray looks around, alert as he opens the back door, striding towards the parking lot.

“It’s Friday. Everyone has plans. And it’s a shelter, not the Four Seasons, Ray. Charitable donations don’t exactly get you prime real estate. But it’s safe.” Mia has to hurry to keep up with him, one of his long strides equal to two of her own. “There’s a security guy that does the rounds, Lenny; he keeps the girls safe.”

Ray makes a noncommittal sound, making it clear what he thinks of the security measures in place.

“You seem to know your way around. How is that exactly? And how did you get in?” Mia folds her arms, forcing Ray to release her and to stop.

“Look, I didn’t come here to argue with you, Mia. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.” Ray blows out a breath, frustrated, his blue eyes flashing in the dark.

“Well, I’m fine and I’m also not your problem. So you don’t need to worry about me.” She hears the challenge in her own voice.

“Dammit, Mia. Why do you always have to be so stubborn? I’m just trying to look out for you!” Ray throws his hands up in despair.

“Well don’t. Don’t you get it yet? You don’t get to come back after all these years as if nothing had happened and pretend that you care!” Ray winces at her words as if they were blows and Mia has to bite her lip to stop herself from calling them back.

“What if I’m not pretending?” Ray takes a step closer to her, so he’s invading her space, making it impossible for her not to notice that he smells like soap and motor oil and something that’s uniquely him and uniquely arousing.

She looks up into his eyes and swallows hard. His chest is rising and falling, breathing hard as he watches her, waiting for her response, his jaw tight like he’s keeping a firm reign on himself.

Mia doesn’t trust herself to say anything so she keeps her mouth shut. She’s intoxicated by Ray’s presence. He’s so close to her that he makes it hard to think about anything other than him, anything other than what it would feel like to have his lips on hers, his hands on her body.

“I want to start over.” Ray sighs deeply, raking his fingers through his blonde hair. “I didn’t handle things well last night. I guess I was just so happy to see you.” He smiles disarmingly and Mia feels her heart clench inside her chest. “I want us to be friends.” He holds his breath, watching Mia for a reaction.

“Friends.” She says the word as if it were unfamiliar to her. It jerks her out of the fantasy she had been creating in her mind.

“Yeah, friends.” He ducks his head so that she has to look at him. “So can one friend ask another friend out for a drink? For old times sake?”

Mia blinks, unprepared for the turn the conversation has taken. “I – um, I don’t think…I mean I have to…” Her mouth works but no words come out and she’s left with the sensation that she probably looks very much like a goldfish.

“Don’t tell me you’re washing your hair.” Ray smiles winningly at her and then his expression darkens. “Or if you have plans with Eli…”

“No, it’s his poker night.” She shakes her head and watches as the sternness disappears from Ray’s face, replaced by a look of relief.

“Last Friday of the month. How did I forget that?” Ray says the words so quietly Mia isn’t sure if she’s heard them right.

“Sorry?” She wonders if she’s imagining the way he doesn’t meet her eyes.

“Nothing, just remembering something.” He waves it away as if it were unimportant. “So, that’s perfect then. Leave your car here. You can ride with me.” Ray gestures over towards the motorbike parked next to her sensible, although ancient, Sedan.

“Umm, I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” Mia starts to refuse the ride, refuse the drink, the whole thing but Ray cuts her off, standing close to her and filling her field of vision so that all she sees is him.

“What’s the matter, Mia? You scared of being on a bike? You’ve been on the back of my bike before, or don’t you remember?” He smiles wickedly at her and she feels her knees tremble a little at the memories he’s evoking.

“I remember.” Her voice is husky and Ray takes another step towards her, looking at her like he wants to remind her of a lot of things.

“Then let’s go. Take my helmet.” He hands over a black helmet with flames painted on the sides and straddles the bike, turning the engine over. It comes to life with a familiar roar that makes Mia’s pulse quicken.

In the past, she’d loved riding on the back of Ray’s bike, of being so close to him, feeling his heart pound as they sped through the streets, the whole world in front of them. She’d felt so free then and so happy. She’s filled with a sudden urgent desire to feel that way again. Without giving herself the chance to change her mind, she straddles the bike, glad she’d chosen her skinny jeans over a skirt this morning.

“You know the drill, Mia. Put your arms around my waist.” He doesn’t wait for her to comply, reaching behind him and placing one of her hands and then the other over his stomach.

She breathes in the smell of the leather of his jacket, tightening her hold on him as the bike speeds out of the parking lot. Her thighs tremble as she clenches her muscles, feeling scared and excited and nervous and turned on all at the same time.

“You all right?” Ray has to shout above the roar of the engine and the wind. She answers him by holding on even tighter and she feels the vibrations of his laugh in his back, making her nipples hard.

They fly through the streets and Mia switches her brain off. She doesn’t think about the shelter, or the women there who need her help, the women whose stories keep her up so many nights. She doesn’t think about her Master’s and how she’s never going to finish it. She doesn’t think about Eli and how they seem to want such different things, how it feels as though they’re good friends more than anything else. For those few precious minutes, she doesn’t think about anything other than the roar of the engine and the feel of Ray’s warm body against hers.

The ride comes to an end all too soon and he slows outside a bar she knows well. She hops off of the bike, putting some distance between them, hoping it’ll put some distance between her and the way she feels around him. She pulls off her helmet and shakes out her hair, fairly sure her curls are as out of control as she fears they are.