Black Dagger (Mad Jackals Brotherhood MC Book 1) (8 page)

Chapter Eleven

Mia is hiding. The rational side of her brain knows she doesn’t need to be going over the case file of the new girl at the shelter, but she can’t seem to work up the courage to leave her office. Time was marching on and the longer she stays here for, the worse it’s going to get. How had things gotten so messed up so quickly? It had seemed like a long time ago that things were stable and normal, but it had only been a couple of days. That was all that it had taken for her world to be turned upside down.

She’d done something that she’d never thought she would be capable of; she’d cheated. That made her lower than she had ever thought she could sink. She’d spent the night in another man’s bed, a man who wasn’t her boyfriend. Another man, is that all that Ray was? But she knew the answer without having to ask the question.

That morning she’d hoped Ray would walk into the bathroom and tell her not to go back to Eli. He hadn’t and when she’d finished and summoned up the courage to go back into the bedroom, he wasn’t there. He’d left; again. That was one thing he was really good at doing – leaving.

Her cell phone vibrates insistently but she doesn’t need to look at the caller ID to know it’s Eli again. By the time she’d grabbed a taxi from the motel she had seven missed calls from him and various voicemails expressing different levels of concern. She knows he’ll be pissed, but she figures he has a right to be. She was the one in the wrong after all.

“Hi, Eli.” Her voice is small as she swallows the nerves bubbling up in her stomach.

“Jesus, Mia, where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick!” Eli sounds more angry than worried.

“I know. I’m sorry. I should have called you sooner.” She gets up and walks towards the window, looking out, trying to calm herself.

“Damn right you should have. What’s going on with you? Recently you’ve been all over the place. Where the hell are you, anyway? I went by your apartment this morning but you weren’t there.” He’s breathing heavily at the end of the line, a sign Mia knows means that he’s seriously pissed.

She bites her lip, not ready yet to answer the bigger questions. “I’m at the shelter. I had some stuff to do.”

“For fuck’s sake, Mia! That job is more important to you than I am! You’re there all the damn time! That’s why I want you to quit – they work you too damn hard and it takes up too much of your time.” His words come out in a tumble and he sounds like a more aggressive version of himself.

“You know I can’t do that, Eli. I need the hours for my Master’s.” She keeps her voice calm and level, trying to concentrate on diffusing the situation rather than making it any worse. She hasn’t even told him what happened the night before and they’re already fighting.

“And what do you need a Master’s for? It’s not like you’re going to be working once we get married, anyway.” He says the words as if they were a foregone conclusion.

“Eli, can we not do this now?” Mia rests her head against the cool glass, closing her eyes against the argument that she can feel coming.

“Whatever you want, Mia, because it’s always about what you want, isn’t it?” Eli’s voice is patronizing, but his words are a little slurred.

“That’s not fair, Eli. Just because I don’t want to fight with you right now doesn’t mean you have to go on the offensive.” She takes a deep breath and then, in a gentler voice continues. “Have you been drinking?” The clock on the wall tells her that it’s just past midday, so technically not still morning but still early for most people to be inebriated.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Eli’s voice is singsong, making him sound like a little kid. “It’s my one day off this week, my one lousy day off and I want to spend it with my girlfriend! Is that so much to ask? But where the hell is she? She’s at work, so yeah, I’ve had a couple of beers, so sue me!”

“All right, look, I’ll be over soon. There’s some stuff we need to talk about.” Mia looks up at the stained ceiling, asking for strength to do what she needs to.

“Stuff like what?” Eli’s tone is cautious – the ominous words of ‘we need to talk’ having hit home. “Where were you last night? And don’t tell me you were with Cassie, ‘cause I called that bitch this morning when you didn’t show so I know you weren’t there! But she wouldn’t tell me anything else, acted like I was someone she didn’t even know. She’s a piece of work; no wonder she can’t find a man who’ll put up with her. She needs someone to straighten her out.” Mia can almost hear him shaking his head in disgust on the other end of the line.

“Don’t talk about her like that. She’s my friend. And what do you mean ‘straighten her out’? You sound like your dad!” Mia clamps down her jaw, but she’s too late, the words are already out of her mouth.

“And that’s such a bad thing?” The challenge in his voice is clear and Mia can’t hold back any longer.

“It is when you start going down the road of women needing to be put in their place. I hear a lot about that at the shelter, see the results of it in the form of bruises and broken bones!” She’s getting mad now but she can’t stop herself. Eli’s father has often showed his disdain for Mia’s work, saying the women got what they deserved and now it seemed that Eli had adopted his less-than-sensitive opinions.

“Don’t get up on your high horse, Mia. It was just a joke. Jesus, can’t you even take a joke anymore? What the hell’s the matter with you? You’re no fun anymore.” Eli grumbles and she hears the refrigerator open followed by a hiss as he cracks another beer open.

“There are some jokes that I guess I just don’t get, Eli.” Her voice is quiet, struggling to get her anger under control. “Anyway, like I said, I’ll come over soon; there’s some stuff I need to talk to you about.” She takes a deep breath, forcing herself to say the words. “It’s about Ray.”

The deafening silence on the other end of the line makes Mia wonder if they’ve been disconnected.

“What about Ray?” All trace of inebriation has left Eli’s voice. Instead he sounds as if he has laser-like focus.

“You told me he was dead. He’s not.” Mia strains hard, listening for any clue as to how Eli is coping with news. She decides to play a hunch, something that’s been eating away at her since Ray had shown up. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

Eli’s sharp intake of breath tells Mia that what she’d been hoping wasn’t true was. “How do you know that?”

“Why, Eli? Why would you do that? Why would you lie to me?” Mia swallows down the tears that make her voice tremble.

“I was just trying to protect you, Mia. What Ray did to you wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right! I heard he’d been killed; the news was all over town, but I waited to tell you, waited until you’d finished your finals because I knew how much your degree meant to you.” Eli is tripping over his words in his haste to explain himself, his haste to vindicate himself.

“But by the time you got around to telling me, you knew it wasn’t true, didn’t you?” Mia holds her breath as she waits for his response, hoping that what he’s about to say isn’t what she’s expecting.

“I did what I thought was best for you, Mia. I won’t apologize for that. I was just trying to keep you safe. He’d hurt you so much. I just wanted you to be happy, Mia. Is that so bad?” His words come out in a whine and Mia cringes at the twisted logic.

“I don’t know, Eli.” She shakes her head, trying to figure out if it’s worse to be hurt by the truth or by a lie.

“How do you know about Ray?” Eli’s voice is full of suspicion and he has a right to it, Mia reminds herself.

“I’ve seen him. He’s back.” She lets out a breath, feeling like she’s over the first hurdle of what she needs to tell Eli. The worst was yet to come but at least now it was starting to edging out into the open.

“Ray’s here?” Eli sounds a mix of shocked and scared, really scared.

“Yes. There’s a lot we need to get through today, Eli.” She tries to put some order into her scattered thoughts. “I’ll come by your place later. We can talk.”

“Good. That’s good, Mia.” She hears the deep sigh of relief at the end of the line. “We’re going to work through this, Mia. Everything’s going to be all right, you’ll see. You and me, we’re meant to be together; that was how it was always supposed to be.”

Mia doesn’t say anything, a whole mix of emotions battling for supremacy within her.

“I love you, Mia. We’re going to be fine, you’ll see. We have a great life together, don’t we?” The desperation in Eli’s voice makes her heart ache.

“Yes.” Her voice is a whisper and she’s not sure if it’s the truth or if it’s just a reflex response.

“And we’ll get married and I’ll take over my dad’s business and you won’t have to work anymore and we’ll get a bigger place, have a couple of kids, get a dog, get a cat, whatever you want.” Eli barely pauses for breath, as if he’s afraid of what she might say. “It’s going to be great, you’ll see. I love you so friggin’ much, Mia.”

Mia closes her eyes against the words, never thinking something so sweet could cause her so much pain – so much pain and so much guilt. “I’ll see you later, Eli. I’ve gotta go.” She ends the call before he can say anything else.

Chapter Twelve

She puts her head in hands and takes a few deep breaths, trying to get to grips with all the thoughts and emotions buzzing around her mind. Eli had lied to her about Ray’s death; he’d admitted it. But he was just trying to save her from the realization that Ray wasn’t coming back for her, not because he couldn’t, but because he didn’t want to. Eli wanted to make things work between them; he wanted to marry her, for them to have a life together. Ray wanted...well, that was part of the problem. She has no idea what Ray wanted. Eli picks fights, but at least he talks to her, at least she doesn’t have to guess at what’s going on in his mind.

“Mia, don’t cry.” Ray’s voice comes from behind her and she whirls around, her heart hammering in her chest to find him standing just inside her doorway, hands jammed into his pockets, a stricken expression on his face.

“Jesus, you scared me!” Mia puts a hand over her beating heart, breathing hard. “Are you making a habit now of spying on me in my own office?” The nervousness has gone, replaced by anger.

“Your door was open. I didn’t know you were on the phone until I walked in.” Ray shifts uncomfortably, looking at the floor.

“How much did you hear?” She narrows her eyes at him, suspiciously.

“Enough.” Ray meets her eyes then, his gaze piercing. “Enough to know he doesn’t deserve you.”

Mia shakes her head, suddenly feeling so tired of mixed messages and being pulled in two different directions. “You don’t know anything about our relationship, Ray. One eavesdropped conversation doesn’t make you an expert. Besides, what do you care? You’re the one that left…again.”

“I needed some time to think.” Ray looks like he’s going to take a step towards her and then decides not to, keeping his feet firmly planted where they are. “When I’m around you, I can’t get my head on straight; there are too many…emotions, too much distraction.”

Mia watches him as he struggles to give voice to his own sentiments. “I know the feeling.” She smiles humorlessly before turning back to the window, not wanting him to see how much she wants to reach out and touch him, not wanting him to see the power that he has over her. “Why are you here, Ray?”

She waits for the inevitable evasion to her question. “I came to check that you were all right.” The simplicity of the truth is almost worse than if he’d lied. Damn him for making her care about him again. Damn him for making it so hard to walk away from him.

“How did you know I was here?” The logistics are irrelevant really, but it gives her some time to pull herself together.

“Figured you had to come pick up your car sometime. When I still saw it in the lot, I figured you were hiding out in here. The security code for the door is the number of the building, not exactly hard to break.” She hears Ray walk up behind her, but he stays at a fair distance, far enough to give her some space but close enough for her to feel the heat emanating from him.

“Hiding, that’s a good word for it.” She chuckles mirthlessly.

“He doesn’t deserve you, Mia. He can’t give you what you need.” The conviction in Ray’s voice is enough to make her turn around and the steeliness in his tone is matched in his eyes.

“It wasn’t always like this. He just seems so mad at me all the time. But he has a lot on his plate; he’s stressed with work. I know it’s my fault, I’m not around as much as he’d like.” To her horror Mia feels a tear track down her cheek and she pushes it away, not wanting to allow herself to be vulnerable again in front of Ray. What had happened between them was all too fresh.

“It’s not your fault, Mia.” Ray jams his hands harder into his pockets, like it’s the only thing stopping him from touching her. “It’s not your fault that Eli’s an asshole.”

Mia frowns at him. “That’s not fair, Ray. Whatever happened between the two of you, you were friends once or don’t you remember that?”

“I remember.” His voice is grim. “But that was a long time ago. A lot has changed.”

“That would be the understatement of the century.” Her tone drips with sarcasm.

“Don’t go back to him, Mia. Don’t go to him because it’s easy or because you think it’s the ‘right’ thing to do. You deserve more than that.” Ray clenches his jaw, hard.

“I’ve been holding onto you for such a long time, Ray.” Mia shakes her head, frustrated with herself that she can’t do what she counsels all the women in the shelter to do: let go. Now it was time. She steps around him, careful not to touch him, knowing that if she does that she’ll unravel and she can’t afford that right now. She goes to her desk, pulling out a book she’d kept with her for such a long time. When she opens it and pulls the material out, she hears Ray’s sharp intake of breath. “This is yours, Ray. You said your dad would have wanted you to give it to someone special. So here you go.” Mia holds out the angel wing patch with trembling hands, watching as his eyes dart from the patch to her face and back again.

“You kept it. All this time, you kept it.” The wonder in Ray’s voice and the way he looks at her, as if she were the best thing he’s ever seen, make her heart swell.

“It was yours.” She shrugs as if it were as simple as that. If only, she thinks to herself. “It was the only thing I had left of you, the last piece of you. Of course I kept it.” She breathes deeply, sighing as she feels like she’s just put down a heavy bag that she’s been carrying for too long. “And now it’s time to let it go.”

“And what if I don’t want you to? What if I don’t want you to let it go, to let me go?” Ray’s voice is quiet, but his blue eyes say more than she would know how to put into words.

“We’ve been through this, Ray. There are too many secrets, too many things that you don’t want to tell me. There’s a whole part of yourself that you won’t let me into. I can’t live like that.” Mia shakes her head and holds the patch out further towards him. “Please, take it.”

“Goddammit, Mia! What do you want from me? My body? My heart? My soul?” He throws his hands up in despair, as if she were asking for the moon.

“All three would be nice. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl.” She smiles sadly at him.

“You already have it, Mimi. You always have. You’ve always had all of me; don’t you see that?” He frowns down at her, his hands reaching out and cupping her face.

She knows she should step away, knows that she shouldn’t let him in, not when she knows how much it hurts. But as soon as he touched her it was like her feet became frozen to the ground.

“I think you’re amazing, Mia. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met. You’re the smartest person I know and you have such a good heart.” He lays his hand on her chest, to feel her pulse beating hard. “I’ve seen what you do with these women, how you help them, how much you care. Anyone that knows you could never ask you to give this up. It’s a part of you as much as the curls in your hair.” He smiles sweetly at her and her breath quickens.

In only a few days, Ray has understood something that Eli still hasn’t got after years together. The way Ray sees her, it’s in stark contrast to Eli’s opinion of her, of her work. Don’t compare them, she tells herself; that’s not fair. You don’t just write a list of pros and cons on two men to decide who to be with. But deep down, she knows that’s not what this is. Whatever is between her and Ray goes a whole lot deeper than any list would ever be able to cover.

“But that’s what you asked me to do this morning, you asked me to leave all this behind, to just pick up and follow you wherever you wanted to go.” Mia clenches her fists to keep them at her side, to stop herself from returning Ray’s touch.

“That’s because this morning I was an idiot.” Ray says the words so sincerely that Mia smiles.

“Well that’s something we can definitely agree on.” She rolls her eyes but Ray’s remain serious.

“I haven’t finished yet.” He pins her with that intense gaze of his. “I came back because I couldn’t stay away any more. I need you in my life, Mia. It’s not an option for me. So I’ll do whatever I have to, even staying here if that’s what you want.”

Mia’s eyes widen in shock – of all the things he could have said, she would never have bet on what has just came out of his mouth. “But what about what you said before? That you had to keep moving. What about the Jackals? Aren’t they expecting you to come back?”

At the mention of his MC, Ray’s expression hardens. “That’s not something you have to worry about.”

“Ray, are you in some kind of trouble?” She looks up anxiously at him, resting her hands on his chest, unable to keep from touching him any longer and she watches as his eyes warm.

“Mia, can you stop asking questions for just five minutes and tell me how you feel?” His blue eyes are searching and she reaches up to smooth the frown line on his forehead.

“I feel like kissing you.” She holds her breath as she watches his eyes gleam.

“I’d like that.” His voice is husky, making her pussy ache.

She reaches up to encircle his neck in her arms and pulls his head down to hers, going up onto her tiptoes to meet his lips with hers. It’s a soft, gentle kiss, but she can feel Ray’s heart hammering against his chest as he pulls her tight against him. He takes over the kiss, deepening it. His hands are in her hair and his mouth devours hers, hungry for her, kissing her with enough greed to make her moan. There’s a possession to his kiss; he’s staking his claim on her and she lets herself be conquered, lets him own her. Her whole body trembles, tingling, desperate for more, but she knows that she can’t do that to Eli, not again. She forces herself to cool down and rocks back abruptly planting her heels on the floor, breaking the kiss.

Ray looks at her questioningly, but whatever he sees in her face gives him his answer and he nods in understanding.

“There’s something I want to say to you, but it has to wait until…” she takes a deep breath, “until I’ve ended things with Eli.” Ray tries to hide the light of victory that shines in his eyes and fails miserably, making her laugh. “You could at least look a little sympathetic!”

Ray studies her. “I am sorry for him. He’s losing the most wonderful woman in the world. But his loss is my gain and I’m not going to lie – that makes me…happy.” He says the word as if it were a foreign concept and the awe in his smile speaks volumes. Ray hasn’t been happy in a very long time and Mia intends to find out why.

But first thing’s first. “I should go – the sooner I do this, the sooner I’ll stop feeling so guilty. That’s the plan anyway.” Her lack of conviction is clear in her voice.

“Correction – we should go. I’m not going to let you do this on your own.” Ray bends down and kisses her lightly on the tip of her nose.

No matter how much she wants to have Ray with her, she knows it would do more harm than good. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She hurries on when she sees Ray’s frown. “Eli deserves a real, sincere explanation from me and the two of us turning up at his door feels too much like a confrontation.”

“What if he gets angry? If he touches you…” Ray’s hold on her tightens almost involuntarily, his fear for her putting him on his guard.

“He won’t. Eli’s not like that. Just because he has a bit of a temper doesn’t make him violent, Ray. Trust me, I’ve known him for a long time.” She doesn’t add that the Eli she’s seen recently is very different from the man that she’d spent the last four years with; there’s no need to make Ray any more wary of him than he already is.

“Me, too.” Ray’s voice is bitter and she looks at him sharply.

“I guess that’s something else we need to add to the list of stuff we need to talk about once I’ve spoken to Eli.” Mia sighs deeply, wondering if she’s ever going to get to the bottom of all the secrets that Ray is hiding, if he’ll let her. “But for now, I need to go.”

Ray looks conflicted but after a few moments he nods in agreement. “You’ll call me when you’re done?”

Mia nods and before she can say anything, Ray has bent his head down to kiss her softly, claiming her. The kiss is a promise of more to come and it sets her body on fire. But there’s something else to it, something that feels like permanence, something that feels like coming home.

“You’ll be waiting for me?” She looks up into his blue eyes, falling into them.