BLAMELESS: MC Biker Romance (Black Thorns, #3) (22 page)

Uh oh.

Ax’s fierce gaze snaps to mine.

Smiter turns and tells me, “Sweetheart, this ain’t no place for you. Head back to your room, yeah?”

I know he’s trying to protect me from Ax’s temper, but I can’t do it. I can’t walk away. I can’t cower like I’ve been known to do in the past. Not now. Not now that Zeb needs me. He needs me to fight for him, like he’s fought for me with Eddie.

And so I shake my head at him and fold my arms across my chest. I summon a calming breath and do my best not to look directly at Ax and that scary glare of his. Whoa. I really don’t want to be on his bad side. Ever. But it’s a risk I’m going to have to take now. For Zeb.

“Spiked,” I croak out.

“What?” Ax snaps.

“That’s the last thing Zeb said to me before he passed out again in your truck.”

Smiter frowns. “Spiked? As in drinks? Spiking drinks?”

I nod. “That’s what he must’ve meant, yeah. Someone did this to him.”

I see Ax taking my words in.

And then Smiter asks him, “Where the hell was Ben through all this? Thought you had him on Runner, keeping watch over him?”

“Looking for him and calling me, freaking out. Said Runner shook him.”

“It must be Jase,” I press. “Zeb wouldn’t…you saw how devastated he was after what Jase did to him, Ax. Why would he go anywhere near any drugs again?”

Ax and Smiter exchange a sad look. Ax tells me, “He’s a junkie, Sarah.”

“He’s not. He’s been clean for years.”

“Don’t matter. They get a taste again and it’s game over. And he got one hell of a taste. Jase knew what he was doing, shooting him up with the worst possible shit. Fucking heroin.”

“But—”

“He’s right, Sarah.”

I jump in surprise at the sound of the voice behind me and then the hand on my shoulder. I turn to see Zeb standing there.

His free hand is clutching the door frame for support. He looks exhausted. He has prominent dark circles under his eyes and they still look a little glazed, meaning whatever he’d had in his system isn’t completely out yet.

“You do it, or not?” Ax barks at him.

“Don’t really matter, does it?”

“What? What are you talking about?” I cry, spinning around to face him and breaking his grip on my shoulder. “Of course it matters, Zeb.”

He shakes his head. But he doesn’t look at me. His gaze is focused on Ax as he says, “
Were
Jase, but just as easily coulda been me. He gave me a taste for it again and that ain’t going away.” He draws in a breath, before going on, “Take it to church. Vote me out.”

“Runner—” Smiter starts.

But Zeb holds up his hand. “Nah, brother. Club’s come a real long way. I ain’t gonna be the one to screw all that up. Means too much to me.”

He takes an uneasy step back and says, “Promise me, Ax. Promise me you’ll look after my girl.”

When Ax just stands there shell-shocked, Zeb presses, “Ax? ‘Til you deal with Jase and Torvin, she ain’t safe.”

“Yeah. Won’t let nobody touch her,” Ax says, his voice barely audible, barely more than a strained whisper.

And then, before any of us can get another word out, Zeb walks out.

None of us can speak. We’re all in shock.

Zeb’s just…he’s just given up? Just like that?

He’s quit the club? And…me?

I don’t…this can’t be happening.

***

As I run down the clubhouse steps, I can already hear the roar of a bike.
No! No! No! Not yet!

I see him then. He’s already on his bike. The engine’s going.

“Zeb!” I call as loudly as I can over the roar of the engine. “Wait! Zeb!”

He turns his head, thankfully hearing me. A second later, he kills the engine and shifts his weight on the saddle so he’s half turned towards me.

When I reach him, I lose control and slam my fist into the saddle.

He jumps. “Jesus Christ!”

“You don’t get to do this, Zeb! You don’t!” I scream at him.

He blows out a breath and runs his hand through his hair. “Leave it, Sarah.”

“Leave it?” I ask, incredulous. Does he really think I can do that?

“Yeah, leave it. It’s done. Is what it is.”

“No, it’s not
done
. The club is your life. Everything to you.”

“And that’s why I’m doing this. You get that? Me being here right now with all the shit I’m bringing and all the heat, it’s hurting the club and putting it in danger. And it’s cuz I care so much ‘bout Thorns that I can’t let that happen.”

“It’s not your fault.”

He shakes his head. “Remember what Rox said that first day you came up here? The day we had that misunderstanding?”

Misunderstanding?
Really? Fine. I’ll let that one slide. Other things are more important right now. “Yeah,” I answer.

“She said I were always thinking I were blameless and that nothing’s ever my fault. Said I never take responsibility for nothing. Well, this…what I’m doing here…it’s me doing that for once. Doing the right thing for once.”

“No. You’re giving up. I get it, Zeb. I really do. A lot has happened. A lot of bad stuff. I know what it’s like when the darkness is closing in and you can’t see a way out. There comes a point when you just want to close your eyes and let it take you, because you think the pain will stop then. But it
won’t.
Trust me. It won’t. You can’t let it win. You can’t give up.”

“Sarah, fuck.” He turns away and pinches the bridge of his nose. “You don’t get it. You don’t.” He looks back at me and angrily points to his head. “This shit in here? It don’t leave. Never. What Jase did…I can’t just get over that. No talking, no addiction meetings, or nothing is gonna fix it. Cuz it’s a part of me and after twenty years of keeping it buried, him shooting me up has ripped all that wide open. And now it won’t leave me. There ain’t no way outta that. Not this time ‘round. So, you think you understand, but…you and me…what we been through…it ain’t the same.”

“You’ve done it before. You’ve beat the addiction in the past, Zeb. You can do it again.” I reach out and grab his hand, squeezing it gently. “And I’ll be right here to help you.”

He pulls his hand from my hold. “What’s the point?”

“What?”

“I been clean twenty years, Sarah.
Twenty
years. And now I’m right back at square one. So what were it all for? What’s the point in doing it again if this is always the way it’s gonna end up? It’s in me, woman. It’s who I am. Why else would it keep coming back? Why the hell else can’t I escape it for real? For good?”

“You didn’t do it. Jase did. It’s not the same. You haven’t willingly taken anything.”

“I
wanted
to!” he roars. He slams his fist down on the handlebars. “I want to right now! Every second of the day!”

“Fight it. For the club, Zeb. You told me you’d ride with the club until the day that you died.”

His eyes are intense as he tells me, soberly, “I know. ‘Til the day I die. I meant it.”

What? What the hell does that mean? “Zeb?”

When he doesn’t offer anything up, I step closer and lay my hand on his forearm. “Please, Zeb. I don’t want to lose you. Please. Do it for me. I
love
you.”

He doesn’t say anything. He just stares down at my hand on his arm. He doesn’t say it back.

“You told me you loved me, too,” I press. I can’t let him shutdown here. I need to get through to him, to help him.

He pulls his hand away and adjusts his weight on his bike. It looks like he’s getting ready to leave.

“I say a lot of shit to a lot of women,” he grits out, without looking at me.

My reaction’s instantaneous.

My hand comes at the side of his face, before I can stop it, slapping him hard across the cheek.

He grunts at the impact.

But he still doesn’t look at me.

“Zeb!”

He fires up his bike, still not answering me.

“You don’t get to make me love you and then walk away like this!” I scream at him.

He stills at my words.

I watch him grip the handlebars tightly.

And then he yells, “Fuck!” He finally looks at me as he screams back at me, “I screwed up with you, okay? I knew it the second I laid my hands on you! You ain’t for me. You’re too good. An angel. You don’t belong with a fucked up bastard like me. I never shoulda done nothing with you. You deserve better. And when this shit’s over with Torvin, you can get the hell outta here and find that. I ain’t the guy to give you that. Were a mistake, Sarah. A real big mistake.” He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, before choking out, “I’m sorry, darlin’. Really am.”

I’ve never been in love before, so I never really understood what people truly meant about something ripping your heart out.

But now I do.

Now I get it.

I feel it.

It really does feel like his words are reaching into my chest and physically tearing out my heart. That’s how much they hurt.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t speak.

All I can do is stand here in a haze of disbelief as he starts his bike and tears towards the gates.

As he leaves me.

Chapter 25

~Runner~

I look myself over in the mirror.

It’s like I’m looking at the kid from twenty years back.

No cut. Just my old suede jacket. Giant pupils, just like every day back then, cuz I were always so high. Ain’t high right now, though. My eyes are looking like it from some drops I put in ‘em to play it off that way. Need
him
to think I am.

Graying hair and the damn age lines on my face are the only things that show some time has passed. Cuz, really, I’m right back where I started.

Thanks to him.

Fucking Jase.

Guess I got lucky, really. Nobody escapes a guy like him and
I
managed it for two decades.

The thing is, now it ain’t just me on his radar. Cuz of his business partnership with Torvin, it’s also Sarah.

And I can’t accept that.

I
might be done. Might be on my way out. But I ain’t gonna be at peace, knowing she’s still in danger. One last thing I gotta do is protect her.

After tonight, Jase ain’t gonna be a threat to nobody. I’m gonna do what the club ain’t gonna. Don’t want it to neither. It would screw up how hard Ax has worked to get it legit. But right now
I
ain’t club, so I’m gonna take care of it. Take care of
him
.

I step back from the mirror and make my way into the living room.

I catch sight of the bottle of scotch I were drinking last night when I got back here. There’s only a few drops left in it. Hell, I’d needed it last night after that blow up with Sarah. Her fucking words…Jesus Christ...they’d cut into me. She weren’t even sure I loved her by the end of it. I
wanted
her to hate me. It’s easier on her that way.
Especially
with what I’m gonna do once I’ve taken care of Jase.

I want her to live her life. Little angel deserves to be happy.

I wanted to plant that hatred in her, cuz I don’t deserve her tears. Don’t want her crying over me. Don’t want her…mourning me neither. Were real hard doing it and saying all that to her.
Real
painful.

I can’t believe it’s come to this. I’ve always been a man who’s stood up and fought. My entire life I been that way. Never turned and run from nothing or nobody. But now…being pulled back into this shit…I can’t do it again.

The fight’s already lost.

I reach for the bottle. My hands are shaking. Mark of an addict right there. Fuck me. I shake my head to myself and step back. Can’t drink. Not now. Bitch of it is, I
know
it’ll dull the shaking and give my head a brief break from the addiction nagging at me,
begging
me to take something.

But I gotta keep a clear head for what I’m ‘bout to do.

I pat down my jacket and jeans, just double checking I ain’t packing nothing.

I know Jase. First thing he’s gonna do when we meet up is check that out.

Nah. Nothing.

I ain’t worried.

A lot’s changed for me since me and Jase used to hang together.

He ain’t got no clue that I don’t gotta have a weapon on me to kill a man.

He’s gonna find that out tonight.

***

“You’re late, little brother,” Jase tells me as I swing my leg over my bike and make my way across the parking lot of the truck stop towards him. He’s leaning against the window of an old cafe. The place is abandoned now. Used to be hopping ‘til an infamous shootout a couple of years back between the Devil’s Mavericks, Rox, Ax and Smiter. After that it kinda put everybody off coming here.