Bleeding Heart (19 page)

Calix and I had made love every day. Sometimes, sex with Calix was heated and quick, raw and punishing, while other times it was slow and sensual. To my surprise, Calix had gotten over my not wanting children with him much faster than I thought he would. I found this peculiar, but I also didn’t find it odd enough to push for answers to a question I didn’t want to have to ask. So, I let it slide, preferring to let it go rather than adding tension to a conversation that obviously didn’t need to happen.

I still hadn’t been allowed to contact my family. Calix had held firm on the fact that he didn’t think I possessed the ability to make my mother believe I was happy, which truly stumped me, because I
was
happy with Calix. Was it not obvious that I had found happiness with the man who, only a five weeks prior had unraveled every shred of the emotion I knew? I mean, Calix had taken me from everything I had known, to introduce me to a very different life where, although I lacked any and all control, I had him. I accepted him. I let him inside me. I agreed to marry him - and not only because I had no true choice in the matter. I married him because I couldn’t imagine a life without him. I had realized, from the very beginning, that Calix was poison. He was the essence that possessed the ability to seep into my veins and alter every ounce of my well-formed perceptions. Because of Calix, I was a different person - but despite that fact, I also knew I would never, even if it were possible, go back to the girl I had once been.

However, although I might not wish to reintroduce my new self to my prior self, I still longed for my family - for my sisters and my mom. I missed them terribly, and as messed up as it was, I ached to tell them about Calix. I ached to tell them about all the wonderful things he had shown me and all the beautiful moments I had captured in my mind at the result of his actions. Calix might not be the prince I had always dreamt of, but he was still
my
prince.

Over the last three weeks, I had talked endlessly about my family to Calix. He had listened intently, with both interest and patience. I appreciated his kindness, knowing he probably wasn’t as interested as he made himself appear. I didn’t talk much about my father to Calix - and it wasn’t because I was treading safe waters - it was merely because I didn’t have much to say. The man had never worked close to home, and we rarely saw him more than twice a year. Although he was the man who owned my mother’s heart, he really had no place in mine, or my sister’s lives.

The more I spoke of my family, the more I sensed I was breaking down Calix’s resolve to keep me from them. I suspected, deep down, that Calix longed to give me everything I desired - even if it harmed him. This thought made me think about his admittance that I was his one and only weakness. I wondered - could that be the truth? Could I, someone who was so simple, so soft and warm, be the one weakness of someone so strong and controlled as Calix McKnight?

Shifting in his arms, I gazed up into his face. His square jaw was set and I knew he was deep in thought, like he always was when I spoke of my family. This was proof, well, more proof, that I was getting close to acquiring the permission I needed to make a call - or send an email - or even a text message. I just wanted to make contact - any kind of contact.

“Mom raised us girls to want for our family.” I stretched myself to kiss the underside of his firm jaw and he tightened his arms around my belly. We were sitting on the chaise lounge chair and the boat was moving. I was between his long legs with my back settled snuggly into his front. We were watching the rippling waves spilling from behind the boat, an erratic pattern crafted by the spinning of the propellers.

I continued to talk when Calix didn’t reply. “About a year or so ago, she started pressuring me to date a little more than what was normal.” I felt his body stiffen beneath mine and I hurried to explain. “I think she wanted grandbabies. A few of the women she worked with at the vet clinic either had grandbabies, or had one on the way. I think she was a little jealous. Mom’s always adored babies and I was the oldest of her girls. She knows I’m a slow mover - or I was a slow mover until you.”

“What do you mean?” Calix asked and his voice was deep. “Slow mover?”

“In relationships,” I paused. “I’m - well, I’m cautious, I suppose.”

“Cautious.” He spoke the word as though tasting it and I waited for him to continue. “I could see that.”

“You could?”

“Yes.” I felt him nod. “You were always somewhat standoffish toward the men who approached you - and there were many.” His hands formed into fists against my belly and I covered them with my own hands, which were much smaller than his.

It captivated me, how this man was my husband. He was so drastically different from me. I was short and tiny and he was tall and large. We were polar opposites - I mean, if there was a difference to be noted, it could be found between Calix and I. Yet, we were the perfect balance. I evened out the rough edges he possessed and he encouraged discipline to my soft soul.

“I was never interested in any of them.” I said quietly, informatively, honestly. “No one has ever made me feel the way you do, Calix.”

“So you’re not cautious with me?”

“Not nearly as cautious as I should be.”

“You think you should be cautious with me?”

I twisted in his arms again. “You don’t think I should be?” I raised a disbelieving brow. “I mean, Calix, really?”

“I’ll never hurt you.” He vowed and I didn’t bother explaining that so many of the things he had already done had hurt me - destroyed me, even. Calix thought that because he hadn’t beat me to a pulp, that he hadn’t hurt me. What he didn’t realize was that emotional pain was a thousand times more torturous than physical. Physical pain could heal. Emotional pain festered like a gaping wound in a dirty compound. For a man as smart as Calix, I truly didn’t understand how he didn’t know this.

I pulled myself from his arms so that I was facing him. Staring deeply into his eyes, I explained. “I love you, Calix. I’ve told you this, countless times, these past three weeks. Every time I’ve said the words, I’ve meant them with my entire heart and soul. I’m telling you now that I never want to have to live without you.”

He caught my chin, his thumb smoothing over the red of my bottom lip. “You will never live without me, Nova.” He promised. “I’ll never leave you and you’ll never leave me.”

I pressed my finger to his lips. “I’m not done.” I announced. “Can I finish?”

He nodded. “Finish.”

“I love you.” I announced again, just in case it hadn’t made its way into his thick skull the past billion times I’d told him. “I want to have everything with you, Calix. I know how we began was wrong - I know it was twisted and I know I shouldn’t want my life to be with you.” His eyes darkened and a flash of pain tore through his expression, but I continued quickly, because I needed for him to listen to me - to hear what I had to say. “But none of that matters to me now. All that matters to me is that we are together, and that the life we build from this moment on is beautiful and pure and right.”

“What,”

“Shhh.” I warned. “I’m not finished yet.”

He smiled soft and slow. “Go on.”

“I want it all with you, Calix. I want a family - at some point. I’m not saying I want it soon, because I don’t. But I do want to one day, when everything is settled and calm, begin planning to build a family with you. But I don’t want to do that unless the family I build with you can be shared with my family. Jaylah would make a kickass aunty,” I felt tears brim my eyes. “Amy would adore a little one running around. She loves to babysit and teach. She’s a soft soul - like me. And mom, mom aches to be a grandma.” The tears that threatened to spill from my lashes only a moment prior were now streaming down my cheeks in determined rivers I couldn’t find it within myself to be ashamed of. I was passionate about this and I needed Calix to understand that this wasn’t a fight I was willing, in any part, to stand down on. “Please, try to understand where I’m coming from, Calix. I need you. I don’t just want you now - but I need you. But I also need my mom and my sisters.”

“And your father?” His voice was tense but it wasn’t cold.

I remained quiet for a moment and then I cried. “I need him too. I don’t know him well, and I don’t know what he did to your family or why he did it - but he’s still my dad. He’s still the only dad I know and he gave me life, Calix.” He pulled me against his chest and I didn’t know if it was to comfort me or to hide the pained rage that crawled into his expression at the mention of my father, but I didn’t pull away.

I clutched him tight to me. My entire body trembled in his arms as I sobbed into his throat, inhaling his scent, praying to find a calm in his arms.

And then he spoke. His voice was low and gruff against my hair - his breath was warm and shaken. “I love you, Nova.”

Those four words changed my world.

Chapter 18

I sat in a small motorboat with Calix and our basket of food packed, courtesy of the yacht’s talented kitchen staff, as we pushed through the gentle waters off the beach of Kythnos. Kythnos is a small Greek island off the coast of Athens. There is a thin stretch of sand, almost like a natural bridge parting the ocean on either side. The island is known for its countless number of beaches and I think Calix is excited to see my reaction when I finally sink the pads of my feet into the soft warm sand. I’ve been chattering endlessly about lying on a blanket, with my toes in the hot sand - so endlessly, one might even say I’m ridiculously obsessed. I wouldn’t say I’m doing much to hide that possible fact.

With the yacht anchored in the port Merihas, Calix is steering the little motorboat north toward the beach of Fikiado. Although we’re driving north, my eyes are glued on the white houses with the tiled roofs climbing haphazardly up the barren sand colored mountain looming over the beach. Even from where I am in the mini boat, I can see that the streets are narrow, much too narrow for the conventional kind of traffic I’m so used to. Seeing this makes my heart jump in my chest with the fired desire to explore. The island and its way of life are obviously quaint, but the knowledge that I’ve come from a new world lifestyle and I am stepping into this old-world beauty is utterly fantastic.

The day is warm, but I’m happy Calix encouraged me firmly to wear the long white, high waist chiffon maxi skirt with the soft pink, airy tank top tucked in at the waist. It was warm, but the sun could be punishing against my frail skin. When Calix had given me a large white floppy hat similar to those I’d seen wealthy, ridiculous people, wear on television, I’d scowled so deeply at him he’d actually cracked a grin. He argued that I couldn’t possibly spend the day on the beach without the proper protective wear. I’d asked to see his fancy protective wear, and to this, he’d done nothing more than smile. However, in the end, I put the hat on and was currently holding the side down to keep the wind from stealing it away. I have to admit, I had thought on countless occasions in the past few minutes about letting the breeze carry it away, but I had a feeling that if I did this, Calix would accuse me of my ploys - so I maintained a firm hold.

“You’re beautiful, love.” Calix said over the breeze. “Stop scowling.”

“I cannot believe you actually made me wear this hat.”

“I don’t want you getting heat stroke.”

“Umhmm.” I bit down on my bottom lip to keep myself from returning his statement with something smart of my own.

Calix grinned, but he didn’t say anything as we came nearer to the beach. I watched as he killed the motor before jumping barefoot into the water and pushing the boats belly up onto the sandy shore. He looked good. He’d opted to wear dark shorts and a black muscle shirt. I’d never seen him wear anything like this before and I decided, that I loved it! He looked normal and at ease.

Watching Calix now, I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. He was so perfect in all his imperfections. Truly, the man was a dream come to life and I was so terribly lucky to have him.

Calix reached a hand out to me and I wobbled from the boat, careful not to step into the water in my skirt. I definitely planned on swimming in the brilliant blue, but I would first strip from the clothing I’d worn.

Once I was settled on the firm sand covered land, Calix moved back to the boat. He pulled the blanket from where it had been placed carefully on the floor, before spreading it on the beach. I wasted no time in settling myself on the blanket, digging my feet into the warm smooth sand. Giggling audibly, I watched as I wiggled my toes and felt the small smooth shards filter through my toes.

Calix chuckled at my childlike excitement as he settled onto the blanket beside me with the picnic basket between his legs. “Are you hungry, love?”

“Um,” I shrugged. “Not really.”

“Would you like a glass of wine?”

I raised a brow. “They packed us wine?”

“This is our honeymoon, love.” Calix said as though that would explain away my startled shock. “Of course they packed us wine.”

Quirking a grin, I replied smartly. “But of course.”

Calix shook his head at me and I marveled at how far we had come together. Only five weeks prior, if I had shot this kind of sarcasm toward Calix, his head would have spun. But now he just soaked it up for what it was, and grinned. It was a beautiful thing to see that Calix wasn’t the only one who had encouraged a change. There was no doubt that he had changed me, but I had changed him too. And I hoped - no, I prayed that I had changed him for the better. I wanted to be the light that pooled in the base of his soul, lighting up the entirety of the space. I wanted to be the hue that fought the shadows and I wanted to be the angel who fought his demons. I knew, that with patience, I could be that for him.

Speaking softly, I watched him through loving eyes. “Yes, I’ll have a glass of wine, please.”

The shit-grin I loved formed on his very beautiful, very kissable lips, and I found myself aching to kiss him. My entire body was moving slowly toward him and I could see he knew what I was feeling, because in less than five seconds, he’d placed the wine into the sand, gripped my hips, and pulled me into his lap to crush me against him, claiming my mouth. I didn’t care that there was people on the beach, and I was straddling my husbands lap. I didn’t care that I was kissing him with an open need that bordered on hunger. I just didn’t care. In my mind, in this moment, we were the only two souls on the beach. Just me and Calix. Just my husband and I.