Bleeding Heart (7 page)

I gasped. “Calix,”

“Love,” he replied soothingly.

“Please,” I whispered. “I need air.”

He stiffened, before finally pushing away from my back. I didn’t wait for him to fully release me before I shoved myself up onto my palms, darting off the bed. I was running, naked, to the balcony. Oh, but goodness graciousness, I needed air!

Just as I reached out to push through the bronze curtains, I felt thick arms wrap around my waist, slamming my back into a very hard front.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Calix growled against my temple as I shook, like a leaf, in his arms. “You’re fucking ass-naked!”

“Oh God,” I gasped a deep breath of air. “Oh my God.”

“Nova?” The anger in his voice was quickly fading into something that sounded more like concern. Deep concern. So deep, one might even relate it to fear-filled worry. “Shhh, baby.”

My hands webbed over his, which were splayed across my bare belly. My fingers curled inward, my nails biting into the flesh covering his fingers. And then I gave a small, panicked cry - as I thought of everything I had lost in the past two weeks. I felt trapped. I was trapped - I knew this. My mind knew this and my body was aware - but I
really
felt it today. The air moving through my lungs felt thick - so dense, I couldn’t get enough.

Gasping, I cried, “Air!” I reached out for the curtains again with a frantic swipe that only encouraged Calix to tighten his arm around me. “I need air.”

“Shit, love,” Calix pulled me away from the window, dragging me to the bed with him. “Stop struggling.”

I didn’t stop. I needed air. I needed to get outside. I just - I needed to breathe. I knew, distantly, that I was making frantic moaning noises. I knew that I was clawing, reaching, and bucking at him. But I also knew that I was losing a little of my mind. This attack, this was what I had been waiting for from the moment Calix took me. This was me - fighting for the will to
breathe
. Panting, gasping, and sobbing, I fought the strong arms that held me close as he pulled me across the room to the bed. As soon as we were there, he released one arm from around my stomach while holding me in the other with surprising strength.

In the back of my mind, I registered the duvet blanket being pulled around my body, covering me from chin to toe, before Calix hiked me into his arms. I was a sobbing, panicked mess against his chest as he carried me to the balcony. He was still naked, completely naked, but I was covering him for the most part.

As soon as I felt the cool morning air on my face, my panic subsided and I pulled in deep breaths as though I’d been starved. He set me down in the teardrop swing, where I knew he felt I was hidden from sight, before climbing in with me. I couldn’t help but think, that if anyone were watching, Calix had just mooned them. I clutched the duvet to my chin as he covered himself with a corner.

Looking over at me warily, he asked, “You alright?”

Feeling weak, both mentally and physically, I nodded.

“Talk to me, Nova.”

“Yes,” I responded to his previous question. “I’m okay.”

“What happened?” He asked darkly.

“I don’t know.”

“Nova.” My name on his lips was a slow, deep growl.

I blinked. “I,”

“Nova,” Calix said my name again. “Don’t lie to me. Tell me what happened in there, so we can avoid it in the future.”

“I don’t think it’s something we can avoid.” I looked down.

He cocked his head. “Why not?”

“Calix,” He waited for me to continue, his blue eyes pinned on me. I gulped. “I’m afraid.” I whispered.

His face changed. Quickly. Immensely. And he asked pointedly. “Of what?”

“You.” I replied quickly, dropping my eyes from his handsome face. I couldn’t look at him as I said this - but it needed to be said. I simply wasn’t brave enough - I didn’t possess the courage to look at him as I spoke my fears. “Today. Later.” I gasped again. “I don’t know what you’re going to do to me - you’re going to hurt me so badly.”

He frowned. “What are you talking about, love?”

Another tear slipped from my eye and I let the corner of the duvet catch it. “You said yesterday that you’ve had women, but I haven’t had men.” He hissed in a breath, but I continued before he could say anything. “I don’t have experience - and I always hoped, dreamed, fantasized, that the man I gave myself to would be the man I gave everything to.” I hiccupped. “My heart - just everything.”

“I’ll take everything you want to give me, love.” His voice was dark. “I’d gladly take your heart.”

My eyes lifted. “To do what with, Calix?” I felt a kind of stillness settle over me as I spoke again. “You’ve already taken so much from me, I barely even recognize myself anymore.”

“Baby,” Calix clenched his jaw. “There are things I’ve done that I can’t take back - that I don’t want to take back and wouldn’t even if I could. Taking you is one of those things.” He moved closer to me and I didn’t bother scooting back away from him. There was really no point. He would catch me. Calix McKnight would always catch me. “I took you, Nova - the sooner you accept that this is your life, that I am your life, the sooner you’ll be happy.”

“I just need to feel like I can breathe.” I whispered. “You’re suffocating me.”

He shook his head. “Love,” he pushed his hand beneath my back, tugging me effortlessly against his side. “You belong with me, now. If you need to breathe, you can breathe my air.”

I closed my eyes, hating the fact that as soon as he touched me - pulled me into his side - whispered into my hair, I felt a little calmer. I felt a little more like the world in all its nonsensical ways, was making sense. I knew Calix was right. Somehow, accepting him would be the easier path. But every time I considered allowing myself to fall for him, to consensually marry him, to be with him, I couldn’t help but think of all the ways he’d hurt me. He’d broken me in so many ways, ruined me, and yet when I was a panicked mess, he was the only thing that seemed even remotely capable of calming me down.

Was it possible for Calix to be both my destruction and my salvation?

He squeezed me into his side, dropping his head to mouth his words against my hair. “Now, it’s early and we’ve got a big day ahead of us.” He paused, almost as though he were stretching his feelers for my emotions. Was he worried I’d have another mental breakdown? And would I? Calix continued. “What do you say we relax here for an hour or so before the day begins?”

“I,”

“Nova,” Calix shook his head and I tipped my chin back to look up at him in confusion. “Just agree with me, love. We’ll take an hour. We’ll relax. And then you’ll get ready to marry me.”

“When.” I whispered and he tensed.

“Today.”

“But what time?”

Calix was silent and I watched as the realization that although I was the bride, and this was supposed to be my wedding, I didn’t even know the time I was expected to walk down the aisle. I hadn’t chosen or seen my dress. I didn’t even know what the wedding colors were. Calix had done everything - or, I suspected Gabriella had done everything. My part in his day was for little more than show.

Finally, Calix replied. “You’ll be walking down the aisle at one.”

“How late will the wedding go?”

“Probably all night.” Calix answered and I felt my body slump. I didn’t want to party all night with a bunch of people I didn’t know. I didn’t want to force smiles and pleasantries and appearances throughout the entirety of the evening. I just - I already wanted this day to be over.

“Oh.” I said quietly, already feeling exhausted by the thought alone. “I see.”

“The party will continue throughout the night, but we have a flight to catch at 1:00 a.m.”

I gasped, interrupting him. “We have a flight to catch?”

“Yes.” He nodded. “Did you not think I would give you a honeymoon?”

I felt my face heat and I tucked it against his chest to keep the blush from his eyes. “I didn’t think we needed a honeymoon.”

“We definitely need a honeymoon.” Calix scoffed. “If I didn’t take you away for myself, not only would our marriage seem unreal, but I would be a very stupid man.” His voice lowered. “Any man to have a woman as beautiful as you agree to spend her life with him would be living for the honeymoon, love.”

“Calix,” I tensed against him. “I didn’t agree to spend my life with you. I agreed to your demands to save my family.”

“Technicalities, love.” He replied darkly. “Either way, you’ll be spending your life with me and I intend to experience every pleasure life with you has to offer me.”

“But,”

His voice was clinical when he cut me off to inform me of our plans. “We will be leaving the party at 10:00 p.m. You will get yourself ready for the flight and we will leave the house by 11:00 p.m. Your bags were packed yesterday. Everything you’ll need has been supplied for you, therefore you’ll have nothing to worry about this evening apart from getting yourself settled for a comfortable flight.”

Wow, he really had it all figured out. “Where are we going?”

Calix shifted to look down at me, but I didn’t bother to shift to look up at him. “Now, if I told you, it wouldn’t be much of a surprise, would it?”

“I don’t like surprises.” I replied.

He chuckled. “You love surprises, Nova.”

“No, I don’t.” I informed matter of fact.

He argued. “Again, you forget that I spent two years studying you, watching you, learning you, before I took you.” I stiffened and he continued. “I’ve seen the joy you find in getting surprised.”

“By little things!” I scoffed. “Like the coffee being made before I woke up for a change.”

My thoughts moved to memories of my family and I felt my heart clench painfully in my chest. Water pooled in my eyes, and Calix, entirely oblivious, continued.

“Or the way you smiled when you woke to find your mother had placed a bouquet of flowers on your nightstand. Always peonies.” He muttered.

“Peonies are,” my voice cracked and he tightened his arms around me.

When he finished, his voice was deep. “They’re your favorite. I know, love.”

“I miss them, Calix.” I felt my arms moving around his stomach as I spoke the words in such desperate tones.

It was utterly pathetic how I was crying into my captor’s chest, seeking solace from him, when he was the one who’d taken everything away. I should be angry with him. I should want to hurt him. But I don’t. Calix is all that I have to find comfort within, and I’ve always been an entity that required gentle touches, hugs, and comfort. My family had never been one that was absent of touch. My mom never failed to hug me every day, whether I was happy or sad. If I was sad, I simply was given more than one hug and sometimes a kiss on the cheek. The one time my heart was broken, well, not because of the normal high school break up, but still, I had been hurt - my mother had spent the week in my bed with me, holding me as I slept, playing with my hair when I cried, and just talking to me, telling me I had nothing to feel bad about.

Yes, my first break up had been a terrible thing. I’d been with him for two years and really, in all that time, I’d never really wanted the relationship to progress. He was a comfort for me - a friend. But I was often too busy at the animal shelter or living in the world of my books to put the effort into spending time with him. He’d told me I was killing him, that I was holding him back from experiencing life and that he wanted it - needed to live.

I’d broken things off with him, or he’d broken things off with me. I still wasn’t sure about who’d actually done the deed, but after that argument, we didn’t see each other anymore and we didn’t talk. I blamed myself for taking so much of his life and wasting it. My mom spent her time comforting me the way a good mother does when her baby is hurting - for whatever the reason.

That’s how I knew my mom was in agony now, not knowing where I was, or what I was living through. It didn’t matter how old we became, myself and my sisters would never be anything other than her babies. We were her girls - the lives she created, loved and molded. We were good girls, with pure hearts and soft souls. My mom, although she’d never been with a man who wasn’t my father, was a single mom. My father wasn’t home often. His job was important, and that meant that although he talked to mom often, he wasn’t a very large part of our lives. This made mom our sole comfort giver, our guide and our confidant. She protected us girls with her life. And I knew she was distraught now, that I had been missing for two weeks.

I miss my mom.
I thought to myself, not realizing until Calix replied that I’d spoken aloud.

“I know, love.” He pulled me onto his chest and I lay against him, crying and hugging him tight, as he moved his fingers through my hair. “I know, baby.”

“Please,” I whispered a plea he didn’t grant with a reply, and I wasn’t entirely positive he even acknowledged it at all. Then, I snuggled into his chest and I fell into sleep against his warm body, wrapped in the unexpected comfort he provided me.

***

Calix had woken me an hour after I’d had my little cry, carried me back into the bedroom before setting me on the edge of the bed. He’d told me to get myself in the shower and then to wrap myself in a robe before meeting him for breakfast out on the balcony.

Now, I was walking through the bedroom to do exactly as Calix had instructed and meet him for breakfast. I wasn’t all that hungry. My belly was flipping and dancing with nerves for the upcoming hours this daunting day held. However, I did want a cup of coffee.

When I appeared through the bronze curtains, Calix’s blue eyes brightened and he smiled. As my eyes moved past Calix to the yard behind him, I felt my lips part on a gasp of pure wonderment. The back yard had been transformed from something already stunning to something I never could have imagined I’d see in real life.

I didn’t feel my feet carry my body to the railing, but suddenly, I was standing, gripping the stone banister as I peered down onto the elegant beauty of the yard. Four great pillars of an almost Greek appearance had been placed over the stone floor of the patio. They were massive and sturdy, and over their length, swirls of woven soft pink peonies - yes, peonies - my favorite flower - stretched over the stone. Connecting the four pillars was a glimmering, twinkling netting of lights. Through the netting, vines of brilliant, healthy greens had been woven, some hanging, in graceful ribbons, from the netted roof.