Blindsided (23 page)

He was so deep in thought about the minutia of moving that he didn’t hear Jen come up behind him. Hestarted when her slim arms wrapped around his waist and she leaned her head against his back.

“Oh, what’s that?” she asked.

“We’ve got to get a coffeemaker with a timer on it,” he said as he pulled her closer, “I’m too dumb in the morning to make coffee.”

###

“You two seem great for each other,” Maddy said to Nate, her back to him as she did the dishes.

Chelsea’s departure two weeks ago had opened up a new form of loneliness for him, as well as some yawning insecurities. Bill and Maddy’s house was in its normal state of chaos and a little overwhelming, but better than being alone. As much as he loved Bill and Maddy’s kids, Violet and Alexander were a lot to handle.

As if to illustrate his point, Violet, who was supposedly taking a nap, appeared from the back of the house. She was adorable, as always, and currently naked and covered in something dark red and sticky.

“Uh, Maddy,” Nate said while stifling a laugh, “You have a little problem here.”

Maddy turned around and caught sight of her messy three year old. She stood stock still for a few beats and Nate could almost hear her counting to ten to avoid losing her temper.

Nate’s laughter threatened to overwhelm him, but he managed to hide his face behind his coffee cup. Kids were hilarious when you weren’t the one charged with their transformation into responsible adults.

“I know,” Violet responded with the strange solemnity peculiar to children, “I did it anyway.”

Nate tried to aim for the sink when he spat his coffee out in a burst of uncontrollable laughter but he missed by inches. Maddy shot him a dirty look, more for his laughing at her dilemma than for messing up her kitchen. There was another pause as Maddy silently counted.

“There are rules for a reason, Violet,” she said as she led the child down the hallway, presumably to clean up.

Nate wiped up the counter and went to sit in the living room to wait for Maddy. He and Bill and Sean were set to begin recording their new album the next day, and Nate had set himself back up in his LA house. He was actually looking forward to getting back into the studio, recording all those songs whirling around in his head. Too bad it did little to ease his acute need for Chelsea.

“Well that was fun,” Maddy said when she returned. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to remove lipstick from a three year old?”

“When Alex was her age, he gave me headaches. He jumped all over the furniture, he screamed and yelled and was covered in bruises all the time. She gives me headaches because I have no idea what she’s going to do. She smeared an entire tube of Chanel lipstick on herself. Not that that means anything to you, but it’s expensive. Anyway, stop trying to change the subject. We were talking about you and Chelsea.”

Nate sighed. He wasn’t sure he if wanted to talk about Chelsea or not. He thought about her all the time anyway, so it probably didn’t matter if he talked about her, or just thought about her obsessively.

“You met her. Chelsea is great. She’s fucking perfect. Sorry,” he said with a wince. He hadn’t gotten used to being around the kids again. Maddy waved at him impatiently to continue. “She’s funny, she’d never heard of me before we met, so she has no bullshit expectations about me. That’s one of the things I always envied about you and Bill. You knew who he was before he turned into a star, so you always knew who he was without all the fame bullshit. And now, I have that with Chelsea. She’s about ten times smarter than me and she doesn’t put up with me when I’m being an asshole. She gets in my face when we argue. It took me so long to find someone I really connected with, who I thought I could have a relationship with. But I think she’s it. She really sees me. I can be myself with her. It’s great.”

As he was talking, Nate had been trying to inject some enthusiasm into his voice. That was what guys in love sounded like, right? To his own ears, he sounded melancholy, and apparently, he sounded that way to Maddy as well.

“So,” she said, arching one thin eyebrow, “If you’re so happy, why do you sound miserable?”

Nate let out a breath and looked around the living room for inspiration but found none in the family photos littering the room. Despite the rock and roll twist of the tattooed father and the goth mother, the photos were endearing and he suddenly felt stifled by the hominess.

“I need a cigarette. Let’s go on the porch.”

Maddy rolled her eyes, even though he knew she’d steal drags and followed him out the door after making sure Violet was actually taking a nap this time.

“So, things are perfect, she’s lovely, she’s funny, she’s great. You love her?” Nate nodded, “Okay, so why aren’t you out picking up a ring instead of sitting here whining to me?

Nate shook his head and snorted before reaching into his pants pocket and pulling out a velvet box.

“Way ahead of you,” he said with a mirthless smirk before tucking the box back in his pocket.

“Then what are you waiting for?” Maddy exclaimed, clearly exasperated.

“Dammit, I don’t want her to be tied down to a self destructive old man!” he exploded, throwing his hands in the air. “I don’t want her to waste her time with me. She’s so vibrant, so alive. And she has this great career. I can’t ask her to tie herself down to me. I’m only going to get older you know,” he finished lamely.

Maddy, more than used to Nate’s outbursts, paused for a moment, and once again, he could hear her counting to ten. Great, his behavior was on par with a three year old child’s.

“First of all, no saying your old. If you’re old, so am I, and screw that. Secondly, Nate, if she’s everything you say she is, I have a hard time believing that’s something she’d be worried about,” Maddy said, “Have you talked to her about it?”

“Uh, no. I’m a guy Maddy. I tell my bullshit neuroses to you, not my girlfriend. But she’s off on a trip to Korea, not here, so it must be something. She’s in frigging Morocco at the moment.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake!” Maddy exploded, “You know damn well that’s not why she’s off and running again. After what you told me about that guy and her panic attacks, you should bloody well know it’s not about you. Get your head out of your ass Nate, and tell her what you told me. Tell her what you’re worried about and see if she gives a shit. I’m guessing she won’t.”

Nate was stunned. His focus had been so selfish. He wanted to kick the guy’s ass, but that was so not the point. He got it, but Maddy wasn’t done.

“Besides which, I think this whole boo-hoo, I’m too old for her thing is a load of crap. You’re scared shitless aren’t you?”

Nate didn’t answer.

“Aren’t you?” Maddy pressed.

“Yeah, I guess. This is harder than anyone ever told me,” he muttered. He kicked at the porch step idly and felt like a despondent child.

Maddy let out an exasperated sigh.

“Nate, you’re not too old for her. You need to grow up and stop coming up with lame ass excuses for why you can’t be happy. Now just stop it,” she said quietly, “You’re allowed to be happy, Nate. Really.”

“Why don’t I see these things?” he asked.

“Because you’re an idiot,” Maddy said as she made a grab for his cigarette.

###

A little drunk, Chelsea picked up the phone but as it began to ring, she realized she had no idea what time it was in LA. When he answered, he didn’t sound tired. It was five a.m. in Marrakech, but Chelsea had had a few too many drinks to really do math.

“What time is it there?” she asked.

“Uh, nine or so,” he said, sounding confused.

“Oh, good. I was worried I’d wake you up,” Chelsea said, then added belatedly, “It’s Chelsea, by the way.”

Nate laughed. “Yeah, I got that.” His laugh filled her up down to her toes. The stress of the last few weeks fell away, but her heart ached with missing him.

“So, how are you?” Chelsea said as she flopped down onto her bed.

She felt like a teenager again, chatting with her boyfriend.

“I’m ok, babe. How drunk are you?” he answered.

“Uh, a bit,” Chelsea said with another giggle.

“Is it safe for you to be drunk there? I thought they were conservative about women drinking alone.”

“You’re worried about me,” Chelsea said, “That’s so cute!”

She realized she was pointing at him as if he were in the room and giggled again.

“Yes, I am,” he said, his voice tight.

It was lovely to be worried about, Chelsea thought. Lovely, lovely, lovely. If only she could be with him. Suddenly she was sad. So hard to be without him. So hard to stay put and be with him. Poor, poor Chelsea.

She suddenly realized that she hadn’t said anything during her drunken emotional roller coaster.

“I had a chaperone,” she said solemnly.

“Did he try anything?” Nate asked, his voice suddenly stern.

“No, of course not. Silly.”

“Sorry, babe. I’m a jealous man,” Nate said, “I want you to myself.”

Chelsea moaned and rolled over onto her back. It was disturbing, but the hard possessiveness in his voice turned her on. The sound of his voice had set off a dull ache between her thighs, and his growl of ownership sent a lance of need through it.

He’d mentioned that before she’d left and it hadn’t turned her on. They’d had a loooong conversation about having their relationship long distance. And about how she wouldn’t work so hard this time, how she’d sleep and eat, like a normal person. He worried a lot, apparently. And she’d tried. Really. But once she got going, the salve of being on the move, of being in control, of being
away
had proved too much. She was working just as hard as she had been. And she felt… okay. Not great. Just okay.

She looked at her watch. She’d better get off the phone. Her plane left in three hours and she had her Geneva and Marrakech pieces left to write.

“Oh,” she exclaimed, happy she’d remembered to tell him, ”So I was in this music store this afternoon getting a CD for my flight tomorrow and I saw one of your posters. I was standing there staring at you longingly when this super trendy girl came up behind me and snickered at me. She told her friend that I was pathetic, being so old and lusting after a rock star. I almost burst laughing.”

“That’s great. Especially since I’m the old one,” Nate said wryly.

“You’re not that old. Okay, if you lived in some primitive tribe in some remote corner of the world, you’d be ancient, but you live in America, you have money. Most importantly, you have health care. Forty’s not old, and you’re not even forty yet. Who told you forty was old?” Chelsea asked.

The room was upside down. No, she was upside down, hanging her upper body off the bed, the top of her head resting on the floor. Ow. Her head was starting to hurt, so she hauled herself back on the bed.

“I’m not as young as I used to be,” he replied dully.

“I might be drunk, but no one is as young as they used to be. Are you having a midlife crisis?” Chelsea asked.

The small piece of Chelsea that was still sober warned her to tread carefully. She might think it was funny, but that didn’t mean he would.

Luckily, he apparently did, if his laughter was any indication.

“What would that look like, do you think?” he asked, “A Volvo and a white picket fence? I mean, I’ve always had bikes and muscle cars.”

Chelsea laughed along with him, getting into the idea of a rock star’s midlife crisis.

“Maybe you’d shave yourself bald instead of getting a toupee.”

“Hey, I happen to think I’d look good with my head shaved,” Nate said.

“You probably would. You’d look good no matter what you did,” Chelsea said, with a sigh of longing, “But I really like your hair. And your chest. And your arms. I like all of you.”

From there the conversation degraded to phone sex.

###

Nate hung up the phone and smiled. Self destructive maybe, but apparently, Chelsea didn’t think he was particularly old. Maddy was right, he was an idiot. Now all he had to do was figure out what the hell he wanted to do with the rest of his life.

They’d joked about the midlife crisis, but he really had gotten to the point where he needed to do something different. The more time he’d spent with Chelsea, the more he’d realized he wasn’t just uncomfortable with his public persona, he hated it. He didn’t want to have to pretend to be that guy anymore. Chances were, they’d have to tour after this album, but after that, he wanted to travel more like Chelsea did, seeing things, taking it all in.

Okay, maybe not quite like that. He didn’t think he could go that long without eating and sleeping. Which she had better not be doing this trip either. That reminded him. He had other things to worry about right now.

###

Sean looked up from the computer at the rumpled woman lying in his bed. She was blonde, gorgeous and he had no idea what her name was. He had picked her up two days ago and they hadn’t left his bedroom since. Asleep, the woman looked a little like Tasha, a girl he’d gone out with when he was just a kid. Hunh. Interesting. He hadn’t thought about Tasha in ages.