Blood & Rust (Lock & Key #4) (13 page)

But there had been so much disappointment in those eyes when she told me about her marriage. Self-flagellation. For bad decisions, missed opportunities. I had seen it in her, and I knew. I knew. She was walking on burning coals.

Sex used to be one of my favorite outlets, but once I’d cut myself off from the drugs and the booze to fill the holes, the sex hadn’t been what it used to be. It took effort. And being sober for it was new, and I wasn’t sure I liked it that way. Being conscious, being aware, having to deal with the other person in the mix. Nothing like the aftereffects of high living.

At dinner tonight, Tania had asked me about other women. I’d caught the taunting smirk on her face, which she’d quickly masked with a laugh and a joke.

I’d gotten thrown out of my first rehab for fucking a fellow inmate over the copy machine. That was a new low because I couldn’t even finish.

That was when I’d decided to button it up. Button it all up—at least for a while. A kind of fast. I’d figured, I’d gone the opposite direction, enjoying the ocean view from Party Town Heights. So, why not check out the desert now and see if I could get to the oasis at the end of it?

There had to be an oasis. And I’d be so ready to drink.

Now, with Tania here, in bed next to me—sexy, hungry Tania—after all her frank confessions of the day and night, after her trusting me with thoughts and feelings and insecurities she had trusted to no one else…I was hard as a fucking rock.

Tania’s lips moved, her tongue peeking out against her bottom lip.

That tongue.
Her
tongue.

My fingers cradled her face, and I leaned down and kissed her. She moaned, her body pressing into mine. I tugged on her bottom lip with my teeth. I stroked her upper lip with my tongue. She raised her head a few degrees and kissed me back. She explored my lips with hers, sucking, nibbling. So slowly. So…

A moan escaped my throat, and her tongue invaded my mouth and stroked.

I got my fucking passport and got it stamped.

My fingers slid under that band of elastic on her hip and found
her
.

Warm. Wet. Irresistible.

Her body shuddered, and she cried out.

My head swam. I stroked her wet silk, finding her clit. I listened to her body with every cell in my being.

Tease her. Please her.

I went gentle, I stroked faster, I touched lighter, I rubbed harder.

Fuck, I love this.

I wanted her to come. I wanted to be the one to give it to her. I wanted my mouth on her tits, my fingers in her pussy. I wanted her crying out my name on those swollen lips.

But that would be going too far.

I took in a breath.

Cool it. Enjoy the small shit, goddamn it.

The small gifts in the dark. The ones you couldn’t see, but you knew were there.

I rubbed my cock up against her, and she pressed back, enjoying the friction I offered and offered me more of the same.

I wanted to give her pleasure, relief. She deserved it. She obviously needed it. I wanted to be the one to give her that. I was peeling back layers. A flower was blooming in my hands.

Her body stiffened in my hold as her fingers dug into my scalp. “Wh-what the hell are you doing?” she choked out, her eyes wide open.

She’d woken up, and her logical brain had kicked in.

“Shh.”

“Shit.” She twisted in my hold and planted her hands against my bare chest.

Fuck if that didn’t turn me on more.

“We’re both here, so we might as well?” she asked, her voice tight.

“No. No, it’s not—”

“I don’t want to be your
might as well
,” she blurted.

My hand gripped her jaw.
I don’t either.

A noise escaped from the back of my throat. “It’s not that. You aren’t that.”

“Then, what? Are you doing me a favor, taking pity on me?”

“Fuck no.” My fingers stroked her skin. “You ever touch yourself? Make yourself come?”

“All the time.” She breathed hard.

My dick jumped at the husky sound of her voice. Stubbornness laced with need. Images of her touching herself in a stolen moment in a bed, the shower, on a sofa, her head thrown back, lips parted, fired off in my head.

“Good. So then, you can appreciate this.” I increased the pressure of my fingers. “A man touching you. Now, stop talking and feel this. Enjoy it.”

Her breath fanned the bare skin on my chest. “Butler—”

“Let me touch you, Tania. Let me give this to you.”

Her legs rubbed against mine, and a fever rushed through my veins. I didn’t want to stop. We both wanted this bad. Whatever the hell this was.

“No, don’t. This isn’t…”

“Feel it, Scarlett. Just this. Only this. This is for you.”

My fingers dragged through the soft flesh between her legs. I swirled them through her, back and forth and around. Her eyes widened, hanging on mine.

Whirlpool
. I was in a fucking whirlpool.

Her breath snagged, and her fingers squeezing my arms.

“Vibrator better than this?” I whispered.

“Shut
up
.”

I grinned against her damp skin, my lips nuzzling her throat. She trembled.

“Tell me it doesn’t feel good, baby. Tell me you’re not liking it. Tell me you don’t want to come.” My raspy voice sounded jagged through the darkness as I slowly stroked her.

“Butler—”

“Let me take you there.” My lips danced across the side of her face. “Fucking tell me, Tania. Say it.”

She squirmed in my hold. “Harder.”

Yes.

I intensified the pressure of my fingers, and she cried out. A helpless wild cry. A tide of unexpected sensation pulled me under at the sound.

Her hips rocked against my hand. “So good.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m coming…”

The sounds of my fingers moving in her slickness made the heat bunch in the base of my spine. It had been a long time since I’d given to someone I really wanted to give to. That there had been a reason, a motivation to give, other than the woman was a hot piece of ass who was working me good and I was obliged to do the same.

Forget my cock. My fingers weren’t even inside Tania now. I hadn’t even seen her naked; she still had clothes on. I was only touching her, holding her, kissing her, watching her.

This is crazy.

Her fingers rubbed my neck as our eyes searched each other’s in the half dark. Our lips touched.

I wanted to be naked with her. I wanted more from her. I wanted—

My fingers moved rougher, quicker, pressing harder around her secret flesh.

“Go with it. Take it higher, Tania.”

She gasped, her mouth against mine. “Oh, oh—almost—oh—”

“Get there, baby. Fucking get there for me.”

“Butler!” She detonated.

The priceless bottle of champagne had finally been uncorked. The sweet bubbly liquor flowed over the bottle and into my fucking mouth.

And I drank.

She clung to me, and I held on to her as the orgasm tore through her. I pressed my palm down over her throbbing mound, prolonging the intensity, and she cried out at the further stimulation. Her lips nuzzled my chest as the pleasure tumbled through her.

“Feel all of it, Tania.”

Her muscles finally relaxed in my firm hold.

Her hand slid between the press of our bodies to the steel rod craning through my boxer briefs. Her eager fingers slipped past my waistband and wrapped around the engorged wet tip of my cock.

My body seized.

All I wanted was to plow through her right this very second. All I wanted was to feel her coming on me, moving with me. Those huge eyes taking me in as I drove inside her. Her pleading for mercy, a mercy I wouldn’t give.

Holy shit.

I tugged her hand away. “Don’t worry about me.”

“Let me—let me do something for you. Let me touch you, please.”

“No, you don’t have to.”

Have I ever said that to a woman before in my life?

“I want to,” she whispered.

“Shh.” I buried my face in her hair, trying to get my breathing, my pulse, under control.

That didn’t help. At all.

“You don’t want me?”

“I wouldn’t be touching you if I didn’t want you, trust me. But I didn’t do this to get laid.”

“Then, what? Why not?”

“You were moaning in your sleep, making me crazy. What the hell were you dreaming of anyway? You and George Clooney?”

“No!” She laughed.

“You and your vibrator?”

She only laughed harder.

“Just don’t tell me it was your fucking ex.”

“No, no.” She pressed her face into my chest, and I held her tighter, skimming her chin, her jaw with my lips. “I was dreaming of Gerhard and Astrid. How they were together. Only…”

Jesus, this woman.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Tania, I just had my fingers between your legs. We’re past embarrassing. Tell me.”

“I dreamed that I was Astrid, and Gerhard was looking at me the way I imagine he must have looked at her while he was dressing her for a photograph.”

A sharp prickle laced over my chest.

“Were you naked?” I asked.

“Uh-huh. And he put a long scarf around my neck. Only that.”

My fingers traced a curve up her throat to the slim angles of her face.

“I could feel him touching me. Kissing me,” she continued, her voice breathier. “Then, he put the crown in my hair.”

“Hmm. You looked good with that crown.” My hand smoothed through her hair. “Even better if you were naked.”

She laughed. A satisfied lazy laugh.

“I’m serious. And all this black hair swirling around your neck, like a scarf.”

“You wouldn’t put a cape or that fabric over me?”

“No, only your hair wrapped around you. Much sexier. You’ve got great hair.” My fingers smoothed down the ends of her silky black hair over the swell of her breast. I stroked the full curve, and she let out a low moan. “You deserve a man crowning you.”

She pressed a hand to the side of my face and held my gaze. Comfort and assurance flooded my veins like morphine.

“I feel really idiotic for saying thank you, but I feel like I should. Thank you.”

“For what exactly? The compliment or the orgasm?”

She laughed. “For both.”

“My pleasure. Really. Now, go to sleep.” I tucked her further into my embrace and inhaled the warm musk of her skin, a blend of soap, lust, and sweat dancing in my nostrils.

Years ago, she had pulled away from me, rejected what I’d offered her, and I’d shouted at her, cursed her for being so hard to please, such a snobby bitch. Now, over twenty years later, all I wanted this very second was to beg her to ride my cock, to take me in as deep as I could go.

The groan building inside me was killing me. The words were on my fucking lips.

I bit down on them to stop it all from spilling out of me.

Fucking Karma.

She stroked the sides of my face and brought her lips to mine. A small groan escaped me as she kissed me, enticing my tongue in lazy strokes with her own.

I pulled back, sweeping the hair from her face, and kissed her forehead. “Tania…”

Look at me, considering the bigger picture, thinking of consequences. I’m all grown up.

“That was really good. Really, really good,” she whispered. “And that sounded sort of lame.” She let out a giggle.

My chest swelled at the sound of that relaxed soft laugh. She'd enjoyed it. Enjoyed me.

“Can’t we keep kissing?” she asked.

“That’ll only lead to—we’d better stop here, not complicate things.”

She twisted a lock of my hair around her finger. “You’re right. I agree. I don’t want to complicate things either. Both of us are going back home now after being away a long while, and God knows what we’ll find. Only kissing, I swear.”

My hand cupped her jaw, and her mouth met mine. Everything spun on our tongues—her taste, her enthusiasm, invading and caressing, giving and demanding, playful and forceful, needing.

Needing.

Oh, I needed. Shit, I really needed.

But I needed to stop this more.

My fingers fisted in her hair, tugging her head back. Her chest heaved under mine. My erection was as hard as iron against her middle.

I raised myself up. “We should get some sleep.”

Who was I kidding? I couldn’t let go now.

I slid lower on the bed, taking her with me.
On a sigh, she burrowed her face into my chest again. Her fingers played with the curls of hair there and traced over the bumps and grooves on my skin.

“New scars and old scars?” she asked.

“Yeah. The new one is from Creeper shooting me last year. The old ones are from a few memorable knife fights and from a car accident when I was in high school. Got a couple on my back and down one leg from that, too.”

I rubbed her scalp, unwilling to let go of the thick mane. Not yet.

Her eyes closed, and her breathing finally deepened.

This wasn’t a great idea.

Fuck it.

Outside of getting sober and staying sober, it was the best thing that had happened to me in so fucking long.

Goddamn it, the sound of her moaning my name was going to haunt me.

I sank back into the mattress. Making her come was gratifying. Yeah, I liked having given her that. A whole fucking lot.

I like Tania.

I’d spent hours and hours with her today, tonight, and I genuinely liked her. I wanted to know more of her.

Maybe this is just me blowing off steam before getting home?

No. I was attracted to her; I wanted her.

Tania was a meteor that had torn through the sky over me and blown up on my road, and I had to hit the brakes fast. But she didn’t fit; there wasn’t room for her. Not now. Even if I was ready to take her on, to go there with a woman like her, the specter of what I had done to Caitlyn, of what I had lost because of it…

No
.

No.

Things were good the way I’d set them up now. Things were structured, stacked, and there was a reason for it. A reason for everything. My fucking impulses had only steered me wrong in the past.

Logic said no. Logic got busy in my brain, shutting this down.