Broken (14 page)

Shelly was right.  I was the professional teacher who was capable of handling anything.  As the days passed by, the routine kicked in and the only time David would cloud my mind was at night when I was alone at home. 

Lily was just as bright as her dad, always curious and full of questions, and I was happy she did not remember who I was. David had yet to stop by the school.  His nanny was the one I would see every morning on the black top.  Their arrangement worked beautifully with me.  I also knew that arrangement would change tomorrow.  Lily made sure to inform me that her dad was going to be present at the back to school night. Just hearing his name made my legs weaken. 

I settled on the sofa with a cup of tea and called Shelly.  Tonight I needed her pep talk more than ever. In about eighteen hours, I was going to be face to face with David.  

“Shelly, did I wake you?”  Her
groggy voice confirmed my question.

“No, I’m good.  I have to get up anyway.  My shift starts in two hours.  What’s wrong?”  I could hear her move around, shuffling things, and then a soft curse escaped her lips.  “Fuck, why do they call it funny bone?  I just hit myself and it hurt like hell. 
Nothing funny about this shit.”

“Sorry girl.  Maybe I should let you go so you can get ready.” 
The sound of the lighter echoes in the phone.  How can she stand those nasty cancer sticks?

“No, it’s all good.  I’m up.  So what’s wrong?  And don’t say nothing because you only call me this late when something happened.”

“Shel, the back to school night is tomorrow.  Tomorrow I am going to be in a room full of parents.  In the same room with David,” I cry on the phone, the pitch of my voice goes higher with each word.

“Hmm, well, the good thing is that it won’t be just the two of you.  The bad thing, you’ll have to talk to him, girl.  I think it’s for the best.”

“Seriously?  How?”

“Well once you see him you’ll stop traumatizing over this whole thing.  Besides, I’m sure he’s moved on.  I mean it’s been what? 
Over a year?  You’ve moved on.”  Have I?  Why can’t I at least pretend that I have?  “Oh shit girl, you haven’t, have you?”

“No, I have,” I keep repeating myself but she knows me too well so there’s no room for lies. 
“Really.”  I take a deep breath and close my eyes.  “Who am I kidding?  If I told you I’ve been dreaming about him this whole time you’d think me crazy.  The truth is I have.  There hasn’t been a day that I didn’t wonder if he was ok, if he remarried, if there was someone else playing with Lily.  Seeing her only made it harder.”  A sob escapes my lips.  I’m going to blow it tomorrow.  I can feel it in my bones.  I’m going to make a fool of myself right there in front of the entire class, drooling over a man who probably doesn’t even remember me. 

No amount of encouraging words from Shelly was able to calm my nerves.  The next morning that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach was still there, only stronger.  I took longer getting dressed and putting my makeup on.  The pencil skirt was shorter, the little while blouse a bit tighter, the heels on my shoes just slightly higher.  I wanted to look good.  I wanted him to see that I was finally healthy, that I did let go of my troubled past and nothing was overshadowing my mind. 

As I walked down the path towards my classroom, I received several glares of approval from some of the dads dropping off their kids and I knew I picked the right outfit.  The day flew by, the kids full of excitement over the things they were about to share with their parents. Big brown envelopes were filled with their drawings, the first letters and numbers they learned, and a special note for their parents to see. 

I drank too much coffee, forgot to eat, and my entire body was shaking by the time six o’clock rolled in.  This is it. 
The moment of truth. It’s not like he’s going to attack me right there in front of the parents.  Maybe he’ll wait for me in the parking lot.  OK, I’ve officially lost it. 

“Ready?”  McKenna’s voice startles me, and I drop the entire folder, the sheets of papers flying all over.

“You bet.  Are you going to stay and help?”  I go down on my knees and start gathering the notes.

“Hello Jenny.”  I don’t have to look up to know who it is.  I’ve been dreaming of that voice.  I force myself up with whatever dignity I have left and put on the teacher face.  The one I’ve practice over and over until I left it was convincing enough that I was a confident woman who was not in the least affected by this man. 

Oh sweet Jesus.  He looks even better than I remember.  His black slacks and white shirt give him an air of superiority.  My mouth goes dry as I gaze over him, drinking him in, hoping to get my fill. 

The rest of the parents are starting to arrive, the classroom fills quickly but all I see is him.  There’s a hit of a smile on his face, showing the tiny dimples that I once kissed.  It feels so hot in the room, and I am forced to fan myself with one of the papers on my desk.  The bell rings, announcing that it’s time to start the meeting.  We all have exactly thirty minutes and there’s so much to go over.  I take a drink of my water and pray my voice doesn’t crack. 

“I’m going to go watch the kids.  See you in thirty.” McKenna walks out and closes the door, locking away my only escape.

“Good evening
, everyone.”  Some of the parents mumble a weak hello back, some younger ones are busy texting and David, well David’s eyes are focused on me.  “Thank you all for coming tonight.  My name is Ms. Harmon and before I go over the packets that are in front of you, I need to let you know that tonight I will not have time to answer your questions individually.  I wish we had more time, but unfortunately we only have thirty minutes and lots to cover.  There are several documents that you will need to complete and return to school by the end of next week. There is a study plan that I’ve put together to give you an idea of what your child will learn in the next couple of months.  You will notice there’s a note from your child included, so please write a few words back and leave it on his or her desk. 

I almost feel the need to pat myself on the back for the way things are going.  The parents get excited looking over their children’s work, and although I made it clear I would not be able to answer their questions, they still bombard me with a ton of them.  “How is my Susie doing?” “Is Matt getting along with the other kids?” “Does Samantha eat her snack?”

The bell rings again and each parent waits to say goodbye.  We shake hands, some hand me their emails, phones numbers.  The only one missing from the room is David.  Seconds later, he appears in the doorway, Lily by his side. She pulls him inside by the hand and starts showing him all the drawings she’s made.  He finally gets in line and I have to lean on my desk for support.  There are two more couples behind him and one in the front. 

“Thank you for coming Mr. and Mrs. Sherwin.  It’s a pleasure meeting you.”  The husband holds my hand longer than necessary, giving me the urge to smack him.  They walk away, making room for David and a smiling Lily.  He holds his hand out for me to take and I swear I stop breathing.  I can’t do anything but reach out and touch it. 

“Ms. Harmon.”

“Mr. Watkinson.” I force the words out of my mouth, trying to keep my voice leveled.  His touch is awakening all kinds of feeling inside me.  For a moment, we forget where we are and simply stare at each other.  It’s not until the man behind him clears his throat that I realize we’ve been holding up the line.

David turns around and smiles at the young couple.  “It’s been a pleasure, Jenny.  As always.” 
As always?
What did he mean by that? I watch him walk away and suddenly feel alone.  What did I actually expect him to say?  That he wants me back?  Silly romantic girl.  I keep forgetting that life is not a movie, and sometimes you don’t get second chances.  You screw up, you’re done.  Why do I feel the urge to cry?

David

She looked so nervous tonight.  Nervous and so beautiful.  I’m either lucky or cursed.  Can’t tell which one yet, but by God I hope it’s the first.  One whole year I’ve been trying to get this woman out of my head.  One fucking year filled with anger and questions.  One year of missing her lips, her touch, her smile, her voice, her laugh.  God, she looked so beautiful.  It was almost a month ago that I found out Jenny was going to be Lily’s teacher.  I looked at the class schedule over and over again, and still had a hard believing that the name on the paper was actually hers.  I mean, seriously, crap like this only happens in movies, right?  It had been one year.  I moved across town.  What were the odds?  Once I knew for certain that Ms. Harmon was indeed my Jenny, I decided to come up with a plan to get her back.  That’s what I’ve been killing myself over for the past few weeks.

“Daddy, did you like my desk?” Lily asks as we drive home.

“I sure did sweets.  I loved the note you left me.”  She smiles from the backseat, looking proud of herself.

At home, I popped
a frozen lasagna in the oven and while Lily was watching TV, my mind drifts again towards Jenny.  Next month is the parent teacher conference.  The one-on-one meeting.  Now is my chance to get her back.

I counted the days down to the seconds until our next meeting.  I probably could’ve found a way to drop off Lily in the morning, but I was not ready.  I had to be prepared because there was no way I would get this lucky ever again.  Tomorrow was the lucky day.  I parked the car in front of the building and made a dash for the front door.  I was tired, my back hurt from sitting all day at my desk, and the rain was putting a damper on my mood. It’s been raining on and off for a few days now, making my commute a pain in the rear.   

“Hi, honey.  Oh you’re soaked to the bone.”  My mom grabbed my suitcase while I tried to peel off the drenched jacked. 

“Thanks, Mom.  I think you should just wait for the rain to stop.  You don’t want to get on the road right now.”

“Nonsense.  Besides, your dad and I have tickets to the movies.  I’ll be fine.  I made you guys a pot of soup and some teriyaki chicken.”

“Where’s Lily?”  I sat at the kitchen table and watch her get ready to leave.  She really was my salvation, and I don’t know what I could’ve done without her help. 

“She’s doing homework.  Ok, I’m off.”  She hugs me quickly.

“Mom?”
 

“Yes
, honey?”

“I can’t thank you enough.”

“Aww, come here.  Are you feeling blue?  You never liked the rain.  Even when you were a baby you would get all sad every time it rained.”  I let her hug me while pretending I was all too macho for that stuff.  Who was I kidding? 

“Mom, call me when you get home.  Be safe.” 

The place smelled like home, taking me back in time.  It always did when she cooked for us. I poured two bowls of soup and set the table for dinner.  Lily was at her desk coloring, her face down and full of concentration.  Like father, like daughter, as my mom always tells me.  She loves anything that has to do with art and her drawings are almost as good as mine.

I tiptoe inside the room and lean against the door, just watching her.  She’s my world, this little girl.  I remember a time when the fear of being a single dad was overwhelming.  These times are long forgotten.  We’re a team now.  She senses me after a while and speaks without turning around.

“Hi, Daddy.” 

“Hi
, sweets.  Whatchadoin?” I sit on the little princess stool next to her desk and watch her finish her drawing.

“I’m working.” 
So tiny, yet so independent.  The day she started school was the day she made sure I knew she was no longer a baby.  It takes all I have not to pick her up and spin her around. 

“I see that.  That’s pretty good. 
Ready for dinner?  Mama Mae made us soup.”

“I’m ready.  What do you think?” She proudly shows me her work of art, and like the softy that I am when it comes to anything Lily, I turn into mush. 

“A plus.  Come on before the food gets cold.”  During dinner, she’s very quiet which is so unlike her.  Usually by the time we’re done eating I have a headache from all the questions she asks.  Why this, why that, how come this, how come that.  Something is very different today and I’m about to find out.   

“Sweets what’s wrong?”  Her eyes grow bigger, and I can tell she’s struggling whether to tell me or not.

“Daddy, can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything. We’re a team, remember?  No secrets here.”  She drops the spoon next to the plate, her serious face now staring back at me.

“Is Ms. J my mom?”  For a few seconds my heart stops.  Or at least that’s what it feels like.  Where the heck did that come from?

“Baby why would you say something like that?”

“Are you mad at me?” Oh no, not the trembling lip. 

“No honey, I’m just wondering where that came from.”

“You can’t tell Ms. J or I’ll get in trouble.  Promise?” She sticks her little pinky in my face and I curl mine around it.

“Pinky promise.”

“Today I was looking for my coloring pencils and when I couldn’t find them, Mama Mae said to look inside your desk.  I saw a picture there daddy.  A picture just like the one on Ms. J’s desk.”

I know exactly what picture she’s talking about.  It’s the three of us at the park, a picture I’ve stared at for so many nights I could probably draw it with my eyes closed.