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Authors: Timber Hawkeye
Buddhist Boot Camp (3 page)
What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
Relationships are often misunderstood to be a simple commitment between two people; a dedication to each other with a sense of belonging to one another. That kind of limited perspective breeds expectations, possessiveness and disappointment, and it reeks of ownership, greed, ignorance, and selfish desire.
A healthy relationship is an agreement between two people to support one another in their spiritual practice. It is a vow to encourage each other’s dedication, devotion and path, free from attachment or expectations (yet full of caring and compassion). A healthy relationship is based on unconditional love, not on the need to possess. Although you put plenty of “heart” into it, you lose nothing by giving love away.
If each person is equally dedicated to inspire, create, awaken, and enrich the lives of others, then there is no hidden agenda. It is far less important what one receives from the other than what one can give.
Intimacy would suddenly surpass warmth and tenderness to also include patience, vulnerability, honesty, active listening, understanding, connection, and unwavering trust.
There is a healing power inherent in this kind of union, and it is capable of enabling deep transformation for both people. It is an incredible opportunity to actually practice what we learn (from non-violent communication to meditation, listening, mirroring, authenticity, resolve, radical honesty, appreciation, purpose, equality, celebration and mutuality).
Healthy relationships are a collaboration of sorts: two peaceful warriors spiritually supporting one another on their individual journeys to spread positivity and light.
May we all close the gap between what we believe and how we act in the world.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
I got married at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco on September 9th, 1999. I was young, in love, and under the impression that if you “seal the deal” when everything is great, then you don’t end up in a marriage like my parents’ (described by them as “unhappily ever after”), but rather remain youthful, elated, passionate, and optimistic “for as long as you both shall live.” Did I mention I was young and in love?
At the time, neither one of us had any role models for what a healthy relationship looked like, but we had more than enough reasons to be skeptical that any marriage could actually last. (I was a paralegal at a family law firm when we met, and the divorce rate in California was about 75 percent back then.)
We decided not to include “’til death do us part” in our vows. Instead, we said we’d remain married “so long as we both want to stay in this.” Our love was unconditional, you see, but our staying together was conditioned upon happiness and willingness to continue. We were in love, but we were very logical about it.
So we got married under that beautiful dome in front of three hundred friends and relatives, and I still have wonderful memories from that incredible night of 9/9/99. The number nine, as it turns out, didn’t mean “longevity” after all, at least not for us.
Even though we were together for a couple of years before getting married, we had very different expectations and assumptions about what “marriage” actually meant. This difference in opinion ultimately led to a mutual and civil agreement to separate; an agreement that was reached during a couples therapy session just a few months after the big day. We remained best friends for a handful of years after the breakup, but then the universe took us in completely different directions, and we lost touch.
I spent years trying to reproduce the positive aspects of that relationship with others, and then a few more years practicing celibacy while studying psychology and religion at the same time. I wanted to understand what people believe, and why they believe what they do.
When I heard about an old man who introduced the woman he was with as the woman who walks beside him, I finally understood what Antoine D. meant when he wrote, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”
It was clear that I had to redefine what the word “relationship” meant to me, and that two people can actually help one another stay on track instead of lose focus.
I call it a REALationship.
What comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go. —Papaji
A friend called me crying one day because her boyfriend had left her for another woman. I couldn’t understand why she was devastated. “You want to be with a guy who loves you as much as you love him, right? Someone who would never do this to you, correct? And this guy obviously doesn’t fit those criteria, so why are you sad?” It made no sense. At least not to me.
It was clear, right there and then, that my view on emotions is very different from other people’s. I view emotions as the potholes on an otherwise smooth path toward euphoria, while my friends celebrate (yet complain about) the ups and downs of their emotional roller coasters. I’m not a mean, cold-hearted or unsympathetic individual; I simply trace back the origin of the pain we feel and, if it’s self-inflicted—which it almost always is—I say, “If it hurts when you pinch yourself, stop pinching yourself!”
My friends know me very well, by the way, so when they come to me for guidance they actually expect this kind of a reality check. I can understand, however, how or why my comment would seem brutal to an outsider.
I was taught that feelings naturally come and go (like clouds in the sky), whereas emotions are feelings with a story attached to them. Those emotions can last for as long as we keep feeding the story, and this can go on for years. So when people FEEL sad, I understand, but when they EMOTE sad, I get very confused.
Buddhism teaches us that if we get attached to impermanent things (and feelings are a perfect example of things that are impermanent), then our lives will be full of anguish. But if we live each moment without getting attached to it, then we can eliminate the very cause of suffering right there and then, and joyfully live our lives.
As soon as I started studying the Buddha’s teaching I thought, “Now THIS makes sense! It’s absolutely brilliant!”
Although it makes logical sense, it also takes years of retraining the mind to see things this way (especially in the heat of the moment). We all feel sad sometimes, or hurt, angry, excited, anxious, even blissful, but it never lasts for very long, and that’s okay. When one feeling passes, another feeling will replace it.
It’s natural to feel disappointed when things don’t work out as you had hoped, but the only natural response when that happens is to move on. Difficult as it may sometimes seem, it’s still easier than trying to cling to what is no longer there!
All you can do is remind yourself to let go.
Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. —Ludwig Börne
Someone posted the following question on
Buddhist Boot Camp
’s Facebook page: “What is the Buddhist stance on homosexuality?”
The answer is simple: Buddhism has a precept regarding sexuality in general; it does not have a different teaching regarding homosexuality than it does on heterosexuality.
The third Buddhist precept, beautifully translated by Thich Nhat Hanh in his book
For a Future to Be Possible,
is about “cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society.” It is about respecting your own “commitments and the commitments of others,” and not engaging “in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment.” The precept invites everyone to “do everything in [their] power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.”
When a sexual act is an expression of love, loyalty, honesty, warmth and respect, then it doesn’t break the third precept (whether the couple is of the same gender or not). As long as there is love and a mutual agreement between the two people involved, it isn’t sexual misconduct.
Unfortunately, as is the case with all organized religions and philosophies, some sects would argue this point, but I don’t think the Buddha would. Bigotry wrapped in a prayer is still bigotry, and we don’t play that game!
The same answer applied when someone asked, “Can you tell me what the Buddhist views are on women? I saw something very alarming the other day and want to get my facts correct.”
Buddhism equally honors and respects all beings (period). If you witness ANYONE making exceptions to that rule, those exceptions are illegitimate.
The Buddha fully prepared us for this when he said, “Don’t believe everything you see, read, or hear from others, whether of authority, religious teachers or texts. Find out for yourself what is truth, what is real. Discover that there are virtuous things and there are non-virtuous things. Once you have discovered for yourself, give up the bad and embrace the good.”
So just remember:
Compassion has no contingencies.
It doesn’t matter who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love; it only matters that you love! —John Lennon
How a Short Talk Can Make a Big Difference
Carol lived in the same town as her two kids (now in their twenties), but she didn’t really like living there. Though she wanted to move closer to her friends in California, she was worried that her children would feel abandoned if she left.
Both kids knew how miserable she was, so they actually wanted her to move, but they were afraid that she would feel rejected if they encouraged her to leave, so they never said anything.
After hearing all sides of the story for months, I finally suggested that we all get together for a mediated constructive talk, which is something they’d never done before.
In just thirty minutes, Carol confessed how guilty she felt for leaving the kids with their father when they were younger. She explained why it had been important for her to walk out of that abusive relationship when she did, and that this was why she was reluctant to leave even now, thinking that having abandoned them once before was enough.
The daughter started to cry, reassuring her mom that she had never blamed her for leaving their father. She had witnessed the abuse firsthand and thought her mom had done the right thing by walking out.
When the son spoke, he confessed that he had always blamed himself for his parents’ divorce. He didn’t know that it is actually very common for the youngest child in any separated family to feel this way. Hearing his mom’s story provided him with a whole new perspective on his own life and personal relationships.
In the end, both kids gave Carol their support in her decision to move to California, and the son is now a spokesperson against spousal abuse and for the importance of respecting women.
We all have fears, anxieties, shame, and regret in our hearts, yet we rarely share these intimate details with the people we love. If we’re truly committed to maturing as individuals and as a community, we’ve got to start being vulnerable with one another. So if you think it’s time to have a serious talk with your family, then start by setting some ground rules that keep it a safe place for everyone to share without being interrupted, judged or blamed.
There is no finger-pointing in non-violent communication, and no “should” statements. You might even want to have a mediator present to help keep the conversation calm and focused.
Be gentle with one another, and never nullify what someone holds in their heart. Listen with empathy, and speak with compassion. Healthy communication can open many doors and dispel assumptions we didn’t even know we had.
Apologizing doesn’t always mean that you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego. —Anonymous
If you think that love isn’t enough, try going without it for a while and you’ll see that it’s everything. There is a love-shaped hole in our lives, and no amount of money will ever fill it.
Friendships nurture our hearts with that love, just as trees nourish the earth with oxygen. Good friends, therefore, are like a rainforest of affection.
Just as anyone would drown without air in their lungs, someone in depression is suffocating without love in their heart. You never know when a random act of kindness could literally save a person’s life.
So make an effort to meet your neighbors, get to know your co-workers, and befriend your classmates. A stranger is simply a friend you haven’t met yet.
Never underestimate the healing power of love. It is just as important for our survival as the food we eat, yet it’s free and available in unlimited supply.
Love is the strongest medicine.
Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. —Martin Luther King Jr.
How do we know for certain that things we cannot see truly exist?
Look at a picture of food, for example. The flavor, texture and scent are not in the photograph, but we know they’re there.
Our eyes detect only three dimensions (just as a camera captures only two), so whatever it is that makes life happen must exist in a dimension we simply cannot see. The energy that keeps us alive is beyond our five senses and very mysterious. Even though it is out of our control, we trust that it will wake us up tomorrow morning.
Whether we admit it or not, what we have is faith. We have tremendous faith that this unseen energy will keep the earth spinning, the grass growing, and our hearts beating five minutes from now. We don’t know this; we trust it.
Some people refer to this life force as “God,” while others call it “the Universe,” “Emptiness,” “Mother Nature,” or “Father Time.” The name you give it doesn’t matter as much as the appreciation you have for it.
God is not “out there” for us to pursue; God is in our heart to discover.
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. —Frank Lloyd Wright